Happy Birthday, Eileen!

12 years ago on this very day, at 18:01 I was sitting in my car (a dark blue renault megane, coupe; it was an auto with a dodgy gearbox that would engage as-and-when it chose to. I had to always be prepared when it came to pulling out of a junction because I had no idea if I was still going to be sitting there, or if I was suddenly going to be propelled forwards and out into the road; I've certainly had some cars with "character traits over the years") which was parked in one of 6 parking bays at the end of the small run of terrace houses that backed onto a hospital mortuary. It was dark outside, and cold, so my best friend, and I, had coats, gloves, hats on, and she'd brought out a couple of blankets too that we popped over our laps (she lived in the end house nearest to where I was parked). I'd quit smoking 5 months before that evening, but she chain smoked enough in my car that all the good I'd done was quite possibly undone; I never (yet) went back to smoking so think a small blip considering the circumstances was allowed. 

Just 2 months earlier (on Christmas Eve of all days) her Mum had died; on that night (this day) we should have been celebrating her Mum's birthday, or at least remembering her with a few drinks, as it was the first we'd been through without her (my bestie and her family were more family to me than many of my own family are). Instead we were sitting there so she could give me the results of some tests she'd had done; tests she didn't want her kids (aged 8, 11 and 19) to listen in our conversation. The news wasn't good. She had cervical cancer and it was very advanced - with all she'd had going on the previous year with her Mum suffering from the bowel cancer which eventually killed her, and her own daughter suffering from Chrons disease which had seen her hospitalised, she'd not bothered to get herself checked when she began showing symptoms, assuming it was more just a hormonal imbalance, or due to the stresses of everyday life. She'd only been married for 5 months, to a man who turned out to be an absolutely dispicable piece-of-shit; he was abusive both mentally and physically, and I'm still convinced he was a lot more friendly with her 11 year old daughter than he should have been. 

That night as we talked I think we both knew she wasn't for this earth much longer, which was odd because we'd always been so optimistic about our futures, planning the wheelchair and walking frame races we would have along the seafront in our 90's, and until that night, that moment when she uttered the words "it's cancer" we still believed that we would be challenging each other as old ladies; we'd also still have been winding each other up (the way only 2 best friends with wicked senses of humour can). 

13 months and 19 days later I kissed her forehead, saying my goodbyes after she had passed away before I was able to get away from work. I'd seen her 48 hours before, sat with her, chatted with her, and said my proper "Goodbye" then, knowing her impending death was imminent. She'd not been "with it" as people rarely are in such a situation, but as I left her room for the last time I would do whilst she was alive she opened her eyes and said "love you" to me. 

The anger I still towards so many people has never dissipated; in fact some days it rages through me and I wonder how I am able to control it, because instead of her last year on this earth being calm and her feeling nothing but love, it was horrendous for her. Not just because of the treatments (the hospital actually managed to burn her - internally - during one of her bouts of radiation; they left her alone, in a room for over an hour whilst their gadget (fitted incorrectly) burned away at her cervix)) but also because of the POS shit she was married to. Her own brother, and people she considered to be close friends also caused her more pain and heartbreak than anyone who is fit, healthy and still has a lifetime to breathe should have to deal with. Her husband left her rolling on the floor in agony when her kidneys began to fail; had it not been for a neighbour letting herself in to grab some milk off her she would have died an excrutiating death there-and-then. The neighbour called the ambulance whilst her husband just looked on. Once at the hospital, and delerious from the pain and drugs she was being given, he tricked her into believing she was in a hospital miles away from home so she didn't worry so much when none of us went to visit her. The reason we didn't visit is because he told us she wasn't allowed visitors due to the treatment she was having. She sobbed so much when I finally got to go and see her, by which time she was more herself and realised what he had done. That was the moment her eldest daughter - by then just 20 years of age - stepped in and said "enough". The husband was evicted from the home and a court order issued that stated he was not allowed back all the time my friend was still alive and living there. 

You would think that would have stopped him but it just made things worse. He would phone her, constantly, abusing her as he did so. His family would also phone and abuse her, whilst other friends, people she had loved and trusted, took his word that the reason he was no longer there was down to her daughter; they believed this web of vile lies he had spread about her so they would then call her, telling he she was making a mistake and telling her to "take him back". They didn't believe a word we were telling them about how he had been abusing her for over a year, instead believing that we all had it in for him, that he was some kind of victim. I wonder now how they felt when just 7 months after her death he was engaged to another woman and had moved her into my friends home! He was a nasty vicious bully and I am pretty certain he was touching the middle daughter in ways he shouldn't have. Sadly, since her Mums death her and her younger brother (the 2 younger siblings) have cut ties with their old sister and anyone related to their Mum. That, sadly, is also as the result of one my friends exes (their Dad) being a total and utter prick - all the shit that kicked off after her death is a blog entry (or 6) for another day. 

During all of it she never complained and still did all she could to help out anyone she thought may need help. She was beaten, worn down, physically and mentally by the husband, so-called friends, and even her own brother - he screwed her over as she lay dying, then screwed over her kids once she had passed - I rank him up there with husband POS; they are 2 of the most despicable creatures to ever walk this land and are the reason I do not believe in Karma.

Today is always a tough one for me because of the reasons I've waffled about above but this year it feels even harder and I've no idea why. I wonder if it's because in the past few months I've had a few dreams that she's appeared in (for the first 10 years after her death I never dreamed of her once). I wonder if it's because her eldest (who I see at least once-a-week) and I have been chatting about her more just recently. I wonder if it's because her eldests son (her grandson) came across a photograph of her and said "it's Nanny" when he never met her (he's only 2) and her eldest doesn't have any photographs of her Mum on display. He's never been told about his Nanny yet either because he's not old enough to understand - I may not believe in ghosts but after seeing his reaction to her photo last night, and having him tell me she gives him cuddles but can't kiss him like we do, and that he sees her upstairs in their house, I am begining to wonder!.

I'd love to share a photo of the 2 of us but I don't have one. As far as I am aware there was only ever one taken of us both at the same time - this was because one of us was usually the one taking the pic - and the one that did exist was on her computer (having been taken on a digital camera) and the POS got everything in the house when she died. I had a copy on my facebook page but deleted the page years ago without thinking to save any images and so it is lost forever; unless one of us can finally remember what we changed her own FB password too, as the POS had access to that; until we remember we cannot access her page (if it even still exists) and that's a shame. These days you can give someone access should anything happen to you. She had a whole wealth of stuff on there that at the time seemed like crap, but today would mean so much.