AG Stapleford and Sons

Below is a copy of the letter I have sent today (yesterday as it took me a while to find time to get online and share :)) in regards to some dealings I had with a funeral director in Portsmouth, Hampshire, when my Grandfather passed away… 

To whom it may concern,

Following on from a survey I completed from yourselves - posted back to you in January of this year - I now feel I need to share with you a lot more details than I was able to include on the survey form in regards to a funeral I organised for my Grandfather last year. 

My dealings were with AG Stapleford and Sons in Portsmouth, Hampshire. I was organising the funeral service for my Grandfather who passed away on the 28th May 2022. At the time of writing this - the irony being that it is my Grandfathers birthday today, some 9 months later - I can honestly say if I was asked to give them any kind of rating for service/professionalism it would be a push to award 1 star, and that part of a star would only be due to the lady who actually accompanied the hearse on the day of the funeral. 

We had to visit the branch in Fratton - 104 Fratton Road, PO1 5BZ (which google is telling me is temporarily closed now) because the Powerscourt Road branch was temporarily closed when we needed to use their services. The only reason we used them is because my Grandfather had taken out a funeral plan with AG Stapleford listed as the company to contact.

My initial call to them was greeted warmly and making an appointment to go see them was easy to organise. 

Once inside the building I found it a little uncomfortable that we were seated in front of a large window which looked directly out onto the street, which meant anyone wandering by could gawp in at us - several did (beer cans in hand) as we sat waiting for the director to make phone calls from offices elsewhere within the building. It didn’t bother me too much, however, I would imagine some people could be very uncomfortable to be on show in such a way whilst organising a loved ones funeral; especially if they were particularly upset. 

The director was courteous and talked us through available optional extras that were not included in the prepaid plan. The funeral date was arranged for us and we were told they would let us know once the cremains were returned to them after the service so that a date could be organised for the interment of ashes at the cemetery. We handed over all the details we had regarding the plot the ashes were to go into once ready (my Grandfather was a meticulously organised man and was to be interred with my Grandmother who had died 15 years previous; the plot number, insurance papers and other details were passed over to the director) who told us that they would organise everything for us, including liaising with the stone mason, although we were informed the mason would get in touch with me just to confirm the additional lettering to go onto the headstone (the director had the wording we wanted added to the stone written down but said the stone mason would want to double-check). 

5 weeks after our initial appointment, and 10 days after the service itself, I had heard nothing from anyone, except for a call a week before the service informing me who would be our point-of-contact on the day, and to check we were still ok to go ahead with the date/time that had been arranged.

 

On the day of the funeral the director in charge  was lovely. Respectful and professional at all times; sadly the same cannot be said of the celebrant who made multiple mistakes during the eulogy (some of which are unforgivable). The celebrant had also previously got my name wrong when visiting me to discuss the service and eulogy, and she was also quite off with my mother who was with me on the day of the visit, actually turning her back to my Mum at one point as she was talking. Considering it was my Mum’s step-dad that we had lost I found this quite rude. She had also texted me before her visit (our first point of contact) to tell me she wasn’t able to call me before Friday but would be in touch after the weekend. I had told the funeral director I wasn’t available until after the Friday as I was working away; the celebrant had been told I requested she call me before Friday! The celebrant came highly recommended by the funeral director, but they were not responsible for the mistakes she made on the day. Our family was already fragmented before the mistakes; they certainly didn’t help to heal any issues. To add to the mistakes made during the eulogy, having been told the piece of music I wanted as the coffin was carried into the room was not really suitable, the piece I was told would be better and finally agreed to, was replaced by a hymn which had never even been discussed, and as a non-religious family it was a little inappropriate.

Some family members were running late which wasn’t ideal as there were only 11 people in total (including the late comers) at the service but Kim was brilliant  and told us “not to panic” keeping everything under control until they arrived. Kim explained to me before we went into the building what would happen and let me know when they were ready for us to make our way out of the building after the service. She stood and chatted with us outside after the service too. 

10 days after the service I had a look on Staplefords website to see how long I could expect to be waiting to hear about when my Grandfather's ashes might be ready, so I could let my aggrieved family know a date for the interment. I did notice on the web page it states that someone will contact you the day after the service to check how everything went; I never heard from anyone, but that’s neither here, nor there, in the grand scheme of things. I understand what it’s like to be busy and often things you intend to do end up moving onto the “must do” list and never actually get done. There was nothing on the site about the speed ashes are returned, but a quick google search gave the impression it should be no more than 7 days; as it had been 10 I gave them a call to see if they could give me an idea of how long we would be waiting. The person I spoke to sounded surprised I was calling, placing me on hold for a while. Coming back to me they told me the ashes were already with them, that the director I had been dealing with wasn’t in for another 3 days, but that they would call me when they were back in on Monday morning.

By Tuesday afternoon I was about to call again, as I’d heard nothing, when they did call me to tell me they’d been holding off as they were waiting on someone from the cemetery's office to contact them with regards to the internment. That’s fair enough, although a little naughty when I was told to expect a call the morning before, and equally naughty that I didn’t know the cremains had been returned. 

 

Another 6 weeks then passed by and I’d still heard nothing, so again, I got on the phone, this time being able to speak to the director we were dealing with. A date was finally agreed for the interment and the final costs involved for everything - including stone mason and cemetery charges - were given to me. Having been told contact had been made with the cemetery’s office, I did wonder why I’d not been contacted before I reached out, and I got the impression the interment could have happened many weeks before it finally took place in September, some almost 12 weeks after the funeral . Whilst on the phone I also mentioned the Stone Masons had not contacted me; the director then said they could organise everything with them for me if I wanted them to - as you can see from my first meeting I assumed this was something they were already dealing with for me, and the mason was only meant to be contacting me to confirm the wording. I was then asked for my email address (which I had given at our very first meeting, and which was on the copies of the few bits of paperwork I had been given) and I was assured I would receive an email confirming the date/time of committal either later that same day, or before the end of the following day. I was also told they would confirm the final cost of everything for me and told that the paperwork I needed to sign for the cemetery office would be posted out to me; I was asked to sign this ASAP upon receipt and get it back to them forthwith.

 

After having signed some additional paperwork that was posted out to me, and having them confirm to me all the totals were in place, I was then assured they would get the invoice out to both the solicitor (so they could be paid) and myself. 5 weeks later I was still waiting, so yet again had to contact them (this time I did so via email) to see if everything was ok; partly because the solicitor was also on my case about getting the invoice to her. I was also still waiting for the paperwork that had to be sent back ASAP.

On September 29th 2022 I received this reply “I can confirm the invoice has been sent to the solicitors. I have also attached it in this email for your reference. I will now post out the relevant paperwork to yourself for signing, this is the memorial paperwork and cemetery permit form”. 

The paperwork for the cemetery office and the permit form required ASAP finally arrived with me the 31st October - almost another 5 weeks later. A note was attached asking me to check the details, along with a copy of all the costs so the invoice could be passed to the solicitor; I believed the invoice had already been passed to the solicitor on the 29th September 2022; at least that is what I was told! 

Included with the (now 10 weeks late) paperwork was also a form to be filled in and signed for, for the deeds to the grave itself. I knew nothing about this, didn’t even know it was something that would have to be done. Thankfully (again) google was able to explain to me what it was all about. 

I feel at a time when emotions are very much all over the place, and having never had to organise a funeral before, I spent a lot of time making calls that really I shouldn’t have had to make. I knew nothing about how the process worked, the few things which were explained to me weren’t really explained well, and I was receiving forms to sign that I hadn’t got a clue about. I don’t feel I should have had to rely on google quite so much as I did for answers, especially when we had a very simple funeral service, wanted the ashes placed into an existing grave, a few words added to the stone already in place, and had handed over all the details needed for this to happen.

Whilst everyone I spoke to in Staplefords was courteous, they didn’t seem to have much of a clue as to what they were really doing, or what was going on when it came to a professional level and they certainly were very lax at keeping me informed. 

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I wrote the above back in December 2022, finally sharing a pared down version of it on Google (because they didn’t give enough space to list everything) at the beginning of January 2023. Where would I have been without google. 

Since sharing my review online, and filling out the survey form sent from Dignity at the same time, I have today (22nd February 2023) discovered the signed form for the deeds (which was signed 31st October 2022 and passed on to Staplefords - as requested by them - along with some other forms they needed to be signed) has not been passed on to the cemetery's office. I found this out because today the cemetery's office has contacted me with an abrupt, forthright letter, telling me I should have signed the form upon receipt and got it back to them. They have stated it is a “legal requirement” that I get the form signed and back to them immediately. I’ve let a lot slip by the wayside when I could have created quite a bit of fuss, I’ve given everyone the benefit-of-doubt but now I can tell you I am absolutely appalled. I certainly would not recommend Staplefords, or Dignity, to anyone.  

And as I finished writing that last paragraph my post arrived; I have just opened a letter from the solicitor who was dealing with my Grandfather's estate, which lists invoices that hadn’t been presented before the estate was settled on 9th December 2022. One of these later payments is for AG Staplefords, so now I can only assume the invoice wasn’t sent to the solicitor back in September as I was told it had been. Alternatively there is another option being that for some reason they’ve presented another invoice that I know nothing about, and haven’t been informed of; the 2nd option seems the most likely because the amount paid to them was £848.28 which is £17.48 more than the invoice Staplefords shared a copy of with me in September. I would ask the solicitor for a full breakdown, however, she has already charged me an additional £114 for dealing with this invoice, and as I am charged £25 every 6 minutes for a phone call or £14 for her to just read an email/letter, I’d prefer not to have to ask for any additional information. *point to note not included in the letter - yes, the solicitor really does charge £50 if the phone call lasts 7 minutes... £75 if it lasts 13 minutes and so on... *

As I am sure you can understand, I am now beyond appalled; I am absolutely furious. 

Of course, there is still the chance the invoice was given to the solicitor in September and she overlooked it, however, she was on-the-ball with everything else; the most efficient person, and as I can’t say the same about AG Stapleford and Sons, I do have to assume it was not down to the solicitor making an error. If by chance it was her error, that still doesn’t explain the £17.48 difference though.

I can only imagine the stress and worry all this would have caused my Mum had she had to deal with it all on her own, and I sincerely hope we are a ‘one-off’ because nobody who is organising a funeral, burial, or cremation for their loved one should have to deal with half of what we’ve gone through. We placed our trust in them, assuming them to be professional; they have been anything but. 

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And now for the celebrant!

Firstly she kept calling him by his real name, when he was always known by his nickname - we had informed her of this. Still she said his real name but followed this up almost immediately and without a pause for breath, with his nickname! 

Told me the song I wanted when the coffin was carried into the room was not really appropriate - I wanted the Sailors Hornpipe for 2 reasons. One because he was a sailor; the other because it was used for the tune on the Matey Bubble Bath adverts when I was a kid and my Grandfather always bought me multiple bottles of Matey for Christmas right up until the Christmas before he died. Something that was personal to us but I had to be guided by the celebrant who does what she does for a living and knows what is/isn’t appropriate. However, the song we did agree on (that for the life of me I cannot remember) wasn’t what got used. Instead the hymn “For those in peril on the sea” was used. We are not, have never been, and will never be a religious family, so I feel her choice was far more ‘inappropriate’ than mine! 

She then added an extra poem at the end of the eulogy; I actually thought it was nice, however, the rest of the family questioned why it was included! 

What she should have said is in black; the bits she got wrong are highlighted and what she should have said in blue. 

The eulogy

A Londoner by birth, (insert into here my Grandads name & nickname) as everyone knew him had a complex and difficult childhood.

Born in 1938 as the storm of war spread across Europe, young Dags moved home often, spending time with various members of his family before settling in with his Granny Tookay. 

At the age of 17 he decided to join the Royal Navy, starting his career at HMS Excellent in Portsmouth.

Thanks to the Navy, he travelled the globe.  He served on several ships including HMS Cavalier.  He was on HMS Vanguard when it famously almost took out the Still and West Pub in Old Portsmouth.  On a battleship, he served as a gunner.  She omitted to say this at all.

He spent some time travelling the coast of Africa and in 1958 was part of Operation Grapple, a set of four British nuclear tests in the Pacific Ocean.  

At some point in his career he fell off a mast and lost his teeth – not his finest hour!

In the early 1960’s Dags met Florence, Dumpy as he always called her. She worked in the laundry at HMS Dolphin at the time. She said Dumpy walked!

He was involved in setting off the daily gun salute.  One day he forgot to warn the laundry staff and received a royal telling off from Dumpy.  His fate was sealed.

They married in 1965 and he moved in with her in a flat in Southsea, before moving to Henderson Caravan Park in the mid 1970’s.  She said they then moved into a flat together in Southsea.

As Julia says, he and Dumpy were well matched!  She said “Perfect for each other”

When he left the Navy he went to work as a delivery driver for a local clockmaker. He then joined Boots the Chemist as a delivery man.  He stayed there until retirement.  She omitted to say he was there until retirement. 

Julia, Maureen, Michelle, Sarah, Stephen and Charlotte all have fond memories of Dags. She said, Julia, Michael, Sarah, Stephen, Michelle and Charlotte. The names were listed in the order they should have been read and Michael should never have been included for he had passed away the year before and she completely left out Maureen. 

He wasn’t the kind of man you could easily get one over on, however, Steve once managed to sell him back the chocolates he didn’t want from a selection box he had bought him for Christmas. She added this to one of the last things she said.

He always enjoyed family holidays and get togethers, a very sociable chap.

 

He and Dumpy would join Julia and her family each year for their holidays although they went on a few holidays on their own. Norfolk and Spain were favourite destinations. She said he and Dumpy went on a few holidays.  

He was a little lost when Dumpy passed away in 2007, they were devoted to each other. But he coped well and remained cheerfully independent.

Continuing on a tradition started with Dumpy in the late 1960’s, every week he would drive out to see Sarah and Julia for the day and enjoyed a game of cards during the evening. Playing for pennies he’d jokingly sulk for a week if he lost more than 10p in a night. She said “Every week he would drive out to see Sarah and Julia for supper and a game of cards.”

He looked forward to his weekly visit from Michelle and loved to talk about his navy days with Charlotte, his only great grandchild, when she was home; he was so proud of her when she was accepted into Oxford University. She called Charlotte, Michelle!!!!

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The rest (by rest I mean just a few more sentences I’ve not shared) she did manage to read correctly, and whilst the mistakes she made may seem extremely small and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, when you have an already fractured family it’s the little points and details which are the most important, and somehow she seemed to screw up on each-and-every-one of those points. She basically put the final nail in the coffin (no pun intended) for the family, of which there are only 6 of us left.

In short, from start-to-finish the whole thing has been one complete fuck up. 9 months of phone calls, emails and letters, a family left in tatters, all for a funeral service that could not have been more simple if we/he tried. We made our own way to the crematorium; he had a quick 10 minute services and wanted his ashes scattered atop my Grandmothers grave (in the end we had him placed in an urn and buried with her as my cousin felt this more becoming). That was it. I did the flowers so all they had to do was get him from their building to the crem, back again, and to the cemetery. I can’t even begin to imagine what it might have been like had we wanted the full works. The whole experience has been one of complete and utter shambles. I certainly won’t be recommending any of them, to anyone.

Oh, and then there is the very passive/aggressive letter I received from the Cemeteries office… when I replied I did say "Thank you for your (slightly passive-aggressive) letter dated 13th February 2023 which I have received this morning"