Had a play

with my new camera today and I really do quite like it. Considering it wasn't massively expensive it has a mass of great functions for the novice like me to play with (connecting to wifi is fab, as is being able to log directly on to my FB and Picasa, as well as being able to connect to my phone so if I don't have wifi I can still upload my photos via my phone). 

The remote function is fab and allows you to take a photo using your phone as a remote viewer; I found this worked brilliantly when I wanted to take a pic of the underneath of a flower. Had I not been able to use my phone as a remote viewer I wouldn't have been able to take the photo because of the position it was in with regards to the flower bed; for that option alone it's so worth the money. 

What camera did I get? A samsung WB250F  It's a neat little compact camera but with 14 mp and an 18x optical zoom it does exactly what I want it to do and more.  I like to take a close up.. it lets me do that

If I want to do a panoramic; it lets me do that too

As for the zoom.. I took this photo from 9.2 miles away (The spinnaker tower is my reference point for it).. I'm more than happy with it that's for sure

I wasn't actually after a new camera, but when I had my week off I noticed mine was playing up a bit and it got worse; turns out there was a lens issue and it was cheaper to buy a new one than get mine sorted (I had a really expensive one too which is a real pain in the arse). Now I don't normally use a camera much (I'm not really one for taking photos) but I am thinking long term too and as I am off to the USA next October (sounds a long way off but the way time flies it will be here soon enough) I looked into one that will do what I want it to do over there too (I am going to have some pretty amazing photos ops when I'm there and it will be nice to know I will have a camera that will back up what I can see). 

On the subject of the USA the company I am going to be using have the dates up; so far only for the tours that aren't for singles but I am guessing they will be the same date for those of us that don't have a travel companion and will be going it alone. It does really PISS ME OFF though that it will cost me £800 more to go as a singleton; for that sort of money I'd just as well put another 1k to it and pay for a mate to come along. The annoying thing is when you get a quote for a hotel you pay for the ROOM  not how many people will be in there so how they can justify that extra is beyond me but my choices are very limited. I even asked an ex the other day if he fancied coming; I'd have paid the extra for him so he would have got the whole trip for 1k which is peanuts for a 17 day USA tour but he wasn't interested. Still; I have a month or 2 until I have to pay the deposit, so who knows what may happen by then.  Still if any of you just happen to end up on the same trip as me, be sure to say Hello. :O) 

The other thing I did today was set up an FB page for home..  hahahaha..  I went to tag a photo as being here and it wouldn't let me unless I set up an actual page, so that's what I did. I will admit to cheating; on the maps page I picked an address roughly 5 miles from home (well I don't want random weirdo's to find me) but that's close enough for what I want it for.

He brought me a

Ripple. A proper Galaxy Ripple.

Simple act really; no biggie to most of you, but do you know something? That one simple act means so much. 

"Why?" I hear you ask. 

Because other than family members it's the first time anyone has done something for me without me having to do something for them first for a really, really, really long time; the first time someone has done something without wanting something from me (although maybe the mention yesterday of wanting an xbox wasn't a joke after all :) ) . There was no pomp; no ceremony, no grand entrance, gesture or show off for the world to see. It was a simple act of one friend unobtrusively giving another friend something. In fact it was that unobtrusive when I later posted a photo of said ripple with a Thank You I never even mentioned his name. I knew who he was; he knew who he was; that's all anyone needed to know. 

I didn't have to give him anything for it. He's not asked for anything since. It's not because he'd done something that upset me and it was a peace offering. There was no reason for it other than a status I put on FB saying ..

someone buy me a ripple and pop round with it.. 

go on.. you know you want too :o)

I never expected anyone to even take notice (I know most people on my FB don't even get my updates any more because I waffle so much random crap on there) so the fact that he read it was enough. He then joked a reply about dropping one round at 8.23 that same evening. As someone that often jokes with me about things I never once dreamt he would even be close to being serious, so imagine my surprise when in the middle of watching something on TV the front door went at 8.23. Laughing to myself as I opened the door (because I knew before I even opened it who was stood there)  he handed me the Ripple for myself and a bag of Clusters for my Mum (she was most chuffed) before saying he couldn't stop. There he was one second.. gone the next.. it was that understated; that quick. See what I mean about no pomp or ceremony? 

After being treated quite abysmally by a few different friends in recent times, this one act has restored some of my faith and made me realise that there are other people like me out there. People that do nice things randomly just to put a smile on someone else's face, and for that I am truly grateful. 

Not what I was expecting

when I set my new camera up and popped it on the remote setting. "How fab" I thought to myself; I can run off some shots of me stood in front of the flowers in the shop as a lovely back drop that I can then use on the shops blog and web pages as people like to be able to see the people they are dealing with. I can't begin to explain the depression that washed over me when I saw the results.  Now don't get me wrong; I know I'm a big girl (I'm not just big, I am huge) and I was trying hard to shrink but somewhere along the way I got lost and have put some back on. No idea what I need to do to lose it though because although I got lost I am still good; I don't eat huge amounts of crap and gave up drinking coca cola a long time ago (it's now tea, coffee, sugar free squash and sugar free soda streams) and I allow for the milk I put into my tea and coffee every day. I track everything I eat still and according to weight watchers I am eating less than I should be so why does it come off then go back on again? What's a girl to do? Whatever is to do I need to do it quick or I'm going to get stuck in the aeroplane seats when I fly to Scotland in November. I do know I need to exercise more but there's no way I can A) afford to go to a gym B) work out in front of all those skinny patronising people and C) find the time. Yes there are things I can do at home to help myself in that department and I really must make the effort to start doing them, but even still; for what I eat there is no way I should be the fat bint I have become. I have heard sex is very good for exercise and toning, but who on earth would want to try that with someone like me right now? Don't answer that.. I know there are many that would but believe me I still have standards. 

I do have friends that take pills to help them but what happens once you stop taking the pills? and are they really doing any good? Are they being led to believe they're working but in fact because they know they have paid out for the pills they are in fact eating less and exercising more therefore causing their weight loss? The mind is a powerful tool that is well equipped at fooling us. Then there's the surgery route. I know people that have had a gastric band, but again why put yourself through surgery (that carries risks) and run the risk of problems with it all at a later date? Surely it's better to lose it yourself than result to surgery? How about all these fad diets? They may work for a month or 2 but they can never be good for you as you are not getting a balanced diet and balance is what it's all about. Your body needs fat; it needs carbs, protein and all the other bits and pieces to work properly. Denying it these things may cause it to give you what you want to begin with but what damage is that doing inside that you can't see? Don't even get me started on that lighter life one. Yes if you stick to it you WILL lose weight; a lot of weight but you are having just under 600 calories a day. How can that EVER be safe? Also surely losing a stone a month you end up with excess skin? Then what do you do with that? Surgery? Risk or do you have the body you've always desired for the outside world to see, with layers and layers of excess skin only you (and your partner) sees? How can that ever make you feel good? I feel like I just go round and round in circles and often it's not down to me eating wrong that causes me to put on rather than lose. 

What am I going to do about it? Well I did consider sharing the photos for the world to see but that would really make me feel awful about myself and open me up to all kinds of abuse, so for now I will be keeping those to myself. What I shall do is maybe drop a point or 2 on the weight watcher program while still trying to keep my diet as balanced as possible and see what happens. Maybe in the mean time I'll find me someone willing to help in the exercise department :) 

This morning

while working away I began thinking about things and realised that I really am an idiot who seriously needs to stop thinking about how everyone else might feel, and start thinking about myself and my own feelings for a change. I spend EVERY single day of my life making sure I don't upset this person (because then that other person might get grief for it) and don't upset that person because they'll go running to the other people and so it goes on, yet NOT one of these people gives a SHIT about me and how I might be feeling. It's like being a kid again and not wanting to say something to that person because then the gang might come over and smack my head against a wall., only these days the people have changed and they no longer use physical violence, but you know what? Sticks and stones do breaks bones but WORDS.. It's a lie when they say they can never hurt because words are the nastiest of all. They hurt; worse than any broken skin or bone. Physical injuries heal; words though... They leave a mark on us forever. They ingrain into our psyche where they fester and eat away at us and I am so sick of it. I'm sick of trying to do right for people but it going wrong so I end up the bad guy who gets all the abuse. I'm sick of helping people out who then expect me to do it again, and again and get shirty and bitchy if I don't; they then bitch to others who also give shit.. and so it continues. 

Facebook is a prime example. I love the site. I love catching up with old friends (for someone like me that cannot afford to get out and catch up with people face to face due to having no money to get anywhere or do anything) it's been a great lifeline and way to keep up to date with everyone. After finding family overseas it opened up a whole new world to me and every day I look forward to learning a little something more about them (from their own behaviour as well as their words) which in turned causes me to also learn something about myself and where I come from. It's been a truly wonderful experience. I love people sharing their lives so openly with me; making me a part of their day when we can't physically be together. I love the funny photos people share with me; ones that will often remind me of a time in my past and bring a smile to my face, or just general ones of themselves having a lovely time in their life. I love being able to see friends (and families) children grow so that if I don't see them in the physical for a month or 2, I'm not shocked by how much they may have changed. I love being able to bore people with my random rubbish too (but that's the narcissist inside of me).

Another great thing about FB is how people from all walks of life, nationalities and religions will come together in times of tragedy; it's almost like a massive support group, as well as being an excellent place for getting updates about people that may be caught up in a tragedy in real time. Just recently a cousin of mine got caught up in the Boston Marathon Bombing; the telephone lines were down (or totally overloaded) so it could have taken his family hours (if not a day or more) to find out if he was ok or not? Thanks to the wonders of the internet and FB he was able to let his friends and family know within minutes that he was ok and hadn't been injured. That can never be a bad thing. 

Then there is the other side; the darker side. The side where it truly feels some times like you are being pushed into doing something you really don't want to do. Yes I have friends on my FB that I love to keep in touch with; but then from them come the *others* and these are the ones that cause the issues. The ones that add you because of who else you are friends with, who you cannot deny because of the fall out you would get if you did (believe me I tried once and it was a nightmare; constant harassment about why I hadn't accepted this person, and had deleted that one, made it just too much and I ended up re-adding them). Thanks to shit privacy on there it's not even as if I can add people and keep myself hidden. I have mine set up so that only I can see my friends list (or so I thought) but it turns out that mutual friends are able to see each other). It's these mutuals that I want to keep hidden. Just because I am friends with one person doesn't mean I want to be friends with their friend, their aunt, uncle, sibling or parent. That's when the issues come in to play. Yes I can accept their friend requests and then block them from seeing my posts, photos and bits and pieces on my wall, but in order to do that I have to also block the friend that I want to share things with from seeing them too because otherwise they could say to whoever "did you see Sarah did so and so?" and they've not been able to see it and before you know what's happening they know you've kept them hidden from posts and photo's and so the shit begins again. It's like a never ending circle and being the idiot that I am I allow these people to do it to me, because it's easier to keep the peace, than put up with the fallout and shit that follows. 

I did consider setting up a mirrored account, but again the same thing would happen. Due to shit privacy I couldn't keep myself hidden without blocking everyone and that negates the whole idea of having FB in the first place. 

So what am I going to do about it? I have no idea. I logged off yesterday after the issue I had due to posting in a public area (my own fault in a way but I was just trying to help someone out) and I've not logged back on since but already I am missing certain people and family members, so I am left with the option of being a right sad loner (that's not such a bad thing) or I get brave, delete and block people and then spend the next month fending off all the shit that will go with it, or I log back on and only let certain people in on what I'm up to in the hope the others will get bored and delete me. Problem solved then.

Feeling so

let down right now.

After being asked last night to help out a friend I spent hours talking to people, and researching things to help  as much as I could. Due to the nature of the issue some of it had to be kept from others so I blocked certain people on my FB when I put a notification on there, but forgot that some areas are public and I had to go to one of these areas for some extra research, help and advice on the matter I was looking in to. Now to get a point across and to stop people asking additional questions about the situation if they were able to help, I did add a little embellishment to one of my posts; it wasn't how I felt about things at all - for that part I have always been honest and up front with my friend about my feelings on the issue I was dealing with - but I felt it necessary to say in the hope that it would help and would cause less upset to my friend if someone was able to help with the issue at hand. 

How STUPID of me; someone else (that I had blocked from my own bits) managed to see the post and went straight to my friend with a copy of what I had said, stating how nasty they believed I was being and that I was out of order for saying what I did. My friend then contacted me to ask me if I meant what I had said (hopefully my friend believed me when I tried to explain why I had done it) but I feel so let down. There I was trying to do something to help, something that caused me to have NO SLEEP last night where I was thinking it all through and worrying and as quick as a flash someone else has come along and taken everything out of context. What makes it worse is that I thought I was close to the person that has 'dobbed' me in and thought if they believed I was doing/saying something wrong they would have come to me 1st to get my side of things and to understand why I had said what I'd said before running to my friend to stir things up. 

To say I am saddened would be a total understatement. 

Sleepless nights

are never a good thing; especially for someone like me. Even more so when I've spent most of the day chatting with an ex (yes I am one of those rare breeds of people that stays friends with exes; in fact there is only one I will NEVER have anything to do with again, and that's only because of the way he treated his young niece when  his sister died - that was unforgivable). At the end of the day I know full well that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and so even if they have broken my heart, I accept I have to take some responsibility for the break down (except for the one I'm no longer speaking to - he was a wanker to begin with and will ALWAYS be one).  He doesn't deserve mine (or anyone else's) friendship; he is true SCUM. In fact he's only 1 notch higher than the waste of space, despicable creature that my best friend married (the one that I am still convinced was trying to kill her; who only 7 months after she died was engaged to another woman; the one who made her children homeless just 7 days after their Mum had died and who I think had an unnatural interest in younger girls (I didn't like the way he would look at them) he is really true SCUM of the earth).

Anyway; I digress. The chat with the ex yesterday got me thinking last night (when I should have been sleeping) about how me and him ever became a couple in the first place. We were complete opposites. He comes from a broken home - I had parents that stayed together as they promised in their vows (til death did them part). He grew up on a council estate (nothing wrong with that before any of you think I am judging) I grew up on a private estate. He never had a job when we met and was sharing a flat with a friend; I had never been out of work since before leaving school and still lived at home. He was also everything I would never have dreamed I wanted in a man; I wasn't physically attracted to him when I first met him, and at the time we first met I was still in an ON stage in my on/off relationship with Louis (mind you I knew at that point in our lives we were never going to be on full time, so flicking the switch back to off with him was not a hard thing to do). So why did I end up with D?? Because he made me laugh; so hard. Something I had done so very little of in the 2 years between my Dad dying and my meeting him. He also made me the centre of his world which is something NO man had EVER done for me before. All this I realised somewhere between 2 and 4 this morning. 

Don't get me wrong; he's not a saint. We broke up because he cheated on me with a girl he worked with; what made it worse was that she wore bright BLUE mascara. Who wears bright blue mascara? This all came out on Christmas Eve which made things harder to deal with as I found myself not only single, but also homeless. Happy Christmas Sarah.  I'm not sure if it was the breakdown of this relationship (or the previous one that I still hadn't properly got over) being homeless; or a combination of everything that had happened in the years since my Dad had died (things I had never dealt with) but I had some kind of mini breakdown (thank goodness for my little brother; without him being there for me I have no idea what I would have done or if I would have even got through it). As a result of this I know he (and probably Mum too) find it hard to understand how I could be friends with the ex. If I was them I would probably think the same way, but last night I realised they don't really know both sides of things. They only heard my side of things and if I'm honest I think half of my problems and issues at the time were nothing to do with D and the breakdown of our relationship. I now see they were really to do with me and the issues I hadn't dealt with before I got with him in the first place. Don't get me wrong; he should NEVER have cheated on me, and after we split I had nowhere to move my stuff too and he promised to keep an eye on it for me until I found somewhere but it all ended up being sold to cover his rent he'd not paid, so I not only lost my home, I lost my possessions too. That was out of order. However; I can't blame him for everything and to be honest if the shoe had been on the other foot, there's every chance I would have treated him exactly the same way (if not worse).

When he got back in contact with me (some 6 or 7 years ago now) he apologised to me. Not just an off the cuff sorry, but a really heartfelt, genuine Sorry. Last night I realised I should have said sorry to him too, for I was as much to blame (if not more so in an odd way) for things going wrong (see I really should sleep at night).  I got to thinking about all the things he did for me; how he treated me. Then I thought about all the things I did for him; how I treated him.  I was a bitch. I treated him like he was a possession; I did nothing for him and never once put myself out for him. When I came into some money (from an inheritance) I gave him NOTHING; I spent it all on myself (I had a cracking holiday and bought a new car). I never once thought about how that would make him feel. Yet he never once mentioned it; he never hinted at wanting anything from me. 

He got a job for me; he moved out of the flat he was really happy living in for me (I didn't like his flat mate so wouldn't move in with the pair of them, even though the bills would have been far cheaper if I had done). He said nothing when I quit my job and spent 7 weeks during the summer just bumming around with his friends and our neighbours. He never once complained during that time when he got home from work because I hadn't done any housework. He would come home from working an 8 hour shift (and with a 2 hour round trip cycle ride thrown in - no I wasn't going to get up at 5 to take him to work when he was on earlies, or head out to pick him up at 10pm when he was on lates)  and get on and do it for me. He would cook dinner and go and do the shopping too either before he started a late, or when he finished an early, while I still laughed and joked with his friends. I'd have people round all day while he was working and then expect him to come home and do everything else that needed doing because I didn't have the time to get bits done. He went out of his way to make me happy; how did I repay him? By treating him like he didn't deserve me and therefore had to prove himself to me. How wrong of me is that? 

I thought about the nights I came home late from work and he would have a hot bath and a cup of tea (or chilled glass of wine if we wealthy that week) waiting for me. Often there were scented candles too. I never had anything other than cleaning, cooking or shopping waiting for him. I thought about how when I was laid up with flu he rushed around making sure I was ok for a week, spoiling me rotten (he even walked 2 miles in the pouring rain to get me something from the shop I wanted). What did I do when he had flu? Stayed away so I didn't catch it. 

If I wanted to go out and see my friends; I went. There were no discussions about it; if it's what I wanted to do then I did it. I NEVER once gave up a Saturday night with Donna for him (even when he once asked me to as he wanted us to go somewhere I refused; I'd always said I'd never give up my Saturday nights for anyone, and I stuck to that rule). Occasionally if there was something going on I'd let him tag along on a Saturday (and the charity do's he was always there for those) but even then I spent the evening ignoring him as a Saturday was my night with my friend. I can only imagine how that must have made him feel; yet he said nothing (I even danced at the do's with his friends; I don't ever remember dancing with him). He never argued with me about it. He never pulled me up on it; he just let me get on with it. He let me be, me. Our whole relationship was about me and what I wanted; how he could make me happy, and yet at the time there was nothing that could make me happy. I hadn't got round to grieving for my Dad or the relationship that I'd lost just a few months prior to meeting D. I jumped into a relationship with him for all the WRONG reasons. I know that now; I can see what I did, how I behaved and what a bitch I was. I'm only amazed he didn't cheat on me sooner if I'm being totally honest. I also realised last night (well early this morning) that although I loved him (and I really did love him - deeply) I wasn't *in love* with him, and I think that's where the differences between the 2 of us was. He was in love with me; I was in love with the idea of being loved. He was a giver; I was a taker. Don't get me wrong; I wasn't all bad. I did so some nice things for him too now and again (I think). Yes I did. I had the opportunity to cheat on him one night with a guy that actually made my heart race when I saw him, but I refused to take him up on his offer, because I said it wasn't fair and wasn't a nice thing to do. See; I wasn't all bad. 

It's weird how I've blamed him all these years for breaking my heart, when in fact I broke it myself. Had I been a better/nicer person I might not have gone through such a rough time and wouldn't have spent years afterwards feeling sorry for myself (I now know I actually had no right to feel sorry for myself). I guess the only upside now is that he got out when he could and went on to meet someone else, who he has a son with (he always wanted to be a Dad - but even knowing he'd never have kids with me didn't stop him asking me to marry him - I really was a bitch wasn't I??) and I know being a Dad has completed him. Had he stuck it out with me he'd be incomplete and pretty damn miserable I should think. 

And that ladies and gentleman is how one joking chat with an ex can cause a whole nights lack of sleep and revelations to suddenly put in an appearance. If only I'd realised earlier; I might have saved myself a few years of being miserable. :O) 

Soooooo; I got on a mission

and decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH.  For 11 weeks and 3 days I have been waiting for a reply from my local MP with regards to the leaflet I received through my letter box regarding gay marriage. 11 weeks, 3 days and NOTHING.  So rather than keep being ignored I have taken matters in to my own hands and came up with a little youtube slideshow. It's TOO late for him to apologise to me now, but I am hopeful that maybe he will stumble across it (although I get very few visitors to my youtube page and half my FB friends wouldn't share it) and in future he might make the effort NOT to IGNORE his constituents, and will in fact make the effort to put their minds at rest if they have a query about something. After all it's our taxes that fund his expenses and his website is also government (taxpayer) funded too. 

A couple of people have told me I should tread carefully as he *knows people in high places* but what can they do? Apologise for his ignorance? Yes I've shared it on my twitter, FB and G+ and some friends have shared too, but he is a public figure in a public job receiving MY (and your) TAXES to fund his campaigns, expenses, website (and goodness knows what else) and if he doesn't like someone having the balls to show what kind of creature he is, then he shouldn't be in politics.