Friday, 31 July 2015

Blue Moon....

you know the words, but you/it won't find me standing alone as I am out with the Nutty one tonight, and I will be armed with camera, as even though it's not going to be blue, it will be full and I'm sure if I play around with lenses and filters, I can make it look blue :)  In fact for my fb status I changed the colour of one I took a few years back to blue and added it (and it was taken with a red filter at the time so I impressed myself I was able to change the colour). In fact I am that pleased with myself I'll share it with you all - cos I'm nice like that :)

I want to try and continue along the whole "things I have learned" that I started when I came back from my last camping trip, but other than learning just how marvellous I really am (isn't it amazing how much different life and your own perspective can be when you eliminate negativity from your life?) I've not really learned anything at all this week. Ooh; ooh. I lie. I did learn something. I learned that my body has shrunk by 11 inches.. woop woop.  Obviously that's a total from all over and not just around my middle, which really is still very round, but in just 4 weeks I think that is quite an amazing feat. One day it may even notice :) It's weird because although I am feeling so much better, thinking and acting positively, and believing that I really can have what I want (I now know exactly what that is too, so I have learned something else this week - sheesh, it just keeps getting better) I did still have a slight wobble yesterday when I looked down and saw that my fat round middle, just didn't appear to be getting smaller. However, it has (I got out the tape measure) but the reason it didn't look to me like it was is because I was looking at in relation to the rest of me and it's all relative to each other. One day though it will definitely look a lot smaller - I'd love to say it would look flat but I don't think I have ever had a flat stomach in my life; hormones have always given the appearance that it's rounded, but as long as it's a smaller round then I will be a mighty happy bunny :) 

I actually have nothing of any interest to say - or share (yeah, yeah; I know, I don't normally so today's no different to any other) but I promised myself I would keep this as up to date as I could, and so I'm doing all I can to stick to that :) Oh my; does this mean now I have no drama's I'm going to become even more boring than I was before? Eek; I guess I best get out and find something to entertain myself with :) I have another 10 years of owning this domain, I can't let them go to waste :) Maybe I'll just fill it with photo's. Yeah, that could work :) But I like the idea of getting out and making something of my life far more (photo's can add to that). I like the idea of having something to say, which from now on should all be positive too as the negatives are no longer getting in the way. It's funny because I've slept better, I've not felt stressed or tired, and have in fact felt marvellous since it all changed. I was worried for so long it would only add to the hassle, I now think I should have made the changes years ago. Mind you, it does help that I also have some pretty amazing people in my life right now too, and whether they know it or not, they've helped me get through some stuff recently, and made me see myself for who I truly am; I must remember to thank them. 

Another thing I've noticed, is that along with this new (or should that be improved) me, the confidence and the  positive attitude, work has also picked up. I got told once the shop is an extension of me, and I guess in a way it is, so if I'm feeling on top of things, that has to come across in how I work, and they always say like attracts like; if I'm feeling positive maybe I am sending out those kinds of 'vibes' and am getting back what I put out there :) That leads me on (nicely) to the fact I need to put myself out there more also and I think the more weight that comes off, the more confidence I will have, the more I will get myself back out on the playing fields (metaphorically speaking of course). I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams, if I don't get out there looking for him - and if I've already met him (for all we know I may well have done !!) but staying at home alone isn't going to get anything sorted. 

I had a right scary moment the other morning. Since embarking on this new eating plan, I've noticed that my hair is in the best condition of it's life (normally it's lank and greasy even after it's just been washed). Because of this I don't need to wash it every morning any more, but as someone that can't deal with dirty hair, I bought a dry shampoo to use every other day instead. Spraying it on as per the instructions (I sprayed it outside so as not to choke the dog or cat) when I got back inside and looked in the mirror I was mortified to see I looked like a cross between Morticia and my Mum :) (she thinks that part is highly amusing). I got a glimpse of how I will look with grey hair, and while I actually think it will quite suit me, I'm really not ready to give in to it just yet; it really did scare me.. hahaha. Add to that the spots I've developed (I never really suffered with any kind of acne as a kid, but as a "woman of a certain age" I'm having a nightmare with the bloody things) I really did see into the future.. I no likey it much :)

Had to go black/white with it to hide the blotchy red cheeks :) 

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Memories fade

but the scars still linger..

The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way
Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the Pain away
Memories Fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger

l can relate to these lyrics by Tears for Fears right now; the memories will fade but they will not be forgotten. The scars however will linger, regardless. It's how we choose to deal with those memories, and how we let the scars affect us that matters. I have chosen to let them be a reminder that last week my life changed, in a way I never in a million years could have believed it would. Not changes I would have chosen, not ones I would ever have wished for, but they have happened and I will move on from them, grow stronger from it, and not let it hold me back from enjoying life. It would be easy enough to withdraw inwards, let it beat and wear me down, to break ties with others so they don't get dragged into it further, but what would that solve? A big, fat nothing, other than making me miserable; if those others then choose a different path and want to walk away, that's something I'd have to deal with if it were to happen. I am fully aware that things are likely to get a lot worse before they begin to get better, but I also know that I've been through far worse in my life than I am going through right now, and I came out of that the other side ok; and I came through it without the help of the ones that have departed recently.

Anyway; I'm not here to be all down and depressed, because I'm actually in a mighty fab mood today. Partly I think because I feel relieved (no longer having to watch what I say without the fear it will be taken out of context, twisted and turned into something else is one reason) but mainly because I lost another 4lb this week - that's 20lb in just 4 weeks, and I was away last weekend too, so thought I would possibly have put some back on. To know that I've lost again, and such a large amount this far in, makes me feel mighty happy.  Maybe, just maybe, I will reach my target weight by this time next year? They reckon it takes 30 days to break a habit, and I'm just about to hit 30, so it could be that I've broken the habits that allowed me to become such a heffer. I know I've dealt with the issues I had inside my own head that were stopping me, and to still be doing it with all the shit that's been going on, is proving to me I can (and will) succeed. I feel as empowered about the weight loss now, as I did about the smoking when I finally realised I was living life quite contentedly without them. I've not felt hungry once in those 4 weeks, I have discovered I really like Pink Lady and Royal Gala apples, and I've been experimenting with fat free homemade dressings for salads and steaks, instead of reaching for the mayo - I do miss the full fat mayo, but there are (almost) as equally tasty substitutes :) I also really miss crisps, but came across a recipe yesterday that may help with that savoury craving. that will be free so I could eat them whenever I get the craving too :) Let's hope they're better than the haribo substitutes I made, that were bloody awful and nothing like a chewy, sugary sweet in any way, shape or form :) 

All those years I've spent counting points, calories, cutting out this, that, and the other, and yet suddenly the whole Slimming World thing made sense (I tried last year but never really understood what I was doing, or was in the right frame of mind to try and make a difference). Suddenly it's all clicked and I'm waisting (see what I did there?) away :) Now wonder I'm feeling so mighty marvellous.

Friday, 24 July 2015

I cried myself to sleep last night

Not the little tears that pour out when you're feeling a bit down, or a little bit sad. Not the tears that will burst out unannounced when I'm watching something sad on TV (I really am a wimp when it comes to animals being injured - or worse; killed - or men crying, yet I can watch people being murdered and feel nothing.. eek.. what does that say about me?). Not the tears you have when you're missing someone (even though yesterday I was actually missing 2 people really badly). No, these were the kind of tears that caused my whole body to wrench, my throat to hurt, eyes to sting, and cheeks to feel so sticky they could have been covered in jam. Tears that were so big, they went way beyond those labelled as sobs even. These were the tears of someone that was so angry I thought my whole body was about to explode. I don't think I've ever been filled with such a rage, so intense that my stomach felt as if it had twisted itself round 360' (it still feels like that now). My teeth clenched so tightly together, I'm sure I must have done damage to a couple of them. I've been angry in my life many times, but nothing compared to last night; had I not let it out by crying, I really do think I would have exploded and imploded at the same time.

At one point I felt as though I was drowning in a whirlpool that was endlessly getting bigger by the second. I was down there alone, while other - smaller - whirlpools rose up, spread out and formed their own mini swirling masses; some of these joined up creating bigger and more dangerous versions, and each time they spun, they pushed me further down into the one that had taken hold of me. Others bobbed about on the surface doing their own thing, unable to help. That's when it struck me; the only way out was for me to find the strength and courage to rise up, climb my way out and tackle the ones trying to keep me down.

I still can't quite figure out if I've been betrayed, let down, had my little heart ripped open and spread all over the place, or if I'm just really f**king pissed off, that someone I classed as one of my best friends, has allowed idle gossip and a bitter jealousy to come between us. 

Earlier in the week a friend had posted a really vicious status update on facebook (gotta love social media) about being stabbed in the back by a friend and calling her a 2 faced bitch. Randomly that same day I had de-activated my account because I was spending too much time on there, and I had things to be getting on with; if it's there and I'm logged on then I will check it.  When I logged back on that evening, I got a message from someone asking if I was ok, to which I replied of course I was, and asked why they wanted to know. They then pointed out my friends status; I had a look, could see she was upset, but never once assumed she would be talking about me. We've been friends for so long, I just assumed any issues we may have with each other we'd speak about with the other one privately. Plus, as far as I was aware I have never done/said anything about or against her, so I pootled on with my week.  Then yesterday it was again bought to my attention, and this time mentioned that it could be about me. This then got the one little grey cell tucked inside my head, that is classed as a brain, on a mission. My Mum, being ever astute as she is, noticed I had something on my mind, and asked me what was going on, so I sat down and had a chat with her, telling her what had been put, and between us we came up with only one reason why my friend would have thought it about me in any way, shape or form; idle gossip and jealousy, a truly dangerous combination. My Mum also drew my attention to the 'mutual friends' the friend that has been bitching about me mentioned as also thinking bad of me - I know right, the irony that she's accusing me of being 2 faced and back stabbing, when there she is slagging me off and bitching about me to other friends. Anyway, telling my Mum anything is a really crazy thing to do, because she then got herself on a anger mission and by the time we sat down for dinner, she was seething for me; this set me off even more, so much so that by the time I went to bed I was at my biggest rage ever. 

This morning I decided to tackle my friend about it, and ask if it was in fact directed at me, still never for one moment believing it was, as we've always had the kind of friendship where we would speak to each other if we had a problem with something we'd done or said. I thought it best to get it out there, get it sorted and then move on. So I sent her a message asking, and f**k me, what I get back from her actually blew my little head apart. It really is about me, and apparently it's been brewing for a really long time. Rather than come to me the minute the thought (issue) entered her head, she has stewed on it, then gone and talked to other people about it, and decided I am a pariah who is not worthy of being called a friend. If it wasn't so hurtful, so nasty, so pathetic, and so wrong, it could almost be laughable. The irony of it all will, I expect, be laughed at by myself one day, maybe; when I've calmed down a little bit and don't want to go round ripping the heads off flowers :) 

Now, while I appreciate that she has actually been honest enough with me now to spill what she's been thinking and feeling, it's sadly too late for our friendship. That was wounded the second she decided it was better to talk to others than come direct to me and for the things she's been thinking about me (I think I could have forgiven her for that) but it was killed dead when she then spread all over facebook the nasty shit about me, rather than coming to me directly to find out what was going on and for that I can never forgive her.  I had one evening where I doubted her (last evening) and straight away this morning I pulled her up on it. I never spoke to anyone else about it (except my Mum) I never asked anyone else's opinion of it (or her). I went directly to her, via nobody. She never showed me that same respect, and now a lifetime of friendship has vanished in the blink of an eye, and all over absolutely nothing. The demise of our friendship will remain between just us though; I'm not prepared to share our private issues with everyone else, regardless of the fact she is obviously happy to share what she thinks of me. 

I guess I'm still angry that she let something that could have been avoided, and sorted, come between us, but really I'm totally heartbroken that she would even think of me in such a way. She's the one person I have gone to with every issue I've had in my life. She knows my darkest fears, my deepest secrets, and has been privvy to see deep inside my soul; I've never trusted anyone the way I've trusted her. She knows things about me even Donna never knew, so for it to fall apart over something that is a big, fat nothing, is heart wrenching. The crazy thing is that she would be the person I would go to, to chat about this, had it happened with any other friend. I would have shared with her how I am feeling right now. I do still need to find out who the mutual friends are, and once I do they too will be removed from my life - I only hope they too aren't people I have trusted and cared about. 

It didn't help that it all kicked off yesterday either, as it would have been Louis's 40th and so I was already having a sad day, thinking about how we would have celebrated, and I've been missing Donna really badly the past few weeks too. She would have been with us yesterday, also celebrating, but alas, that was not meant to be. 2 dead people I loved in my life and the closest of friends; yesterday was really not a good one..  today wasn't much better either.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Tents, Dreams and Exploding Soda Streams :)

I have just come back from another marvellous weekend of camping with the same group of friends I went away with last time; I truly am blessed to have this mis-match of people (and we really are all very different in so many ways) in my life right now. They'll never know how just being around them has lifted my spirits to another level - well they will know now if they read this, but they wouldn't have known before. I love how I am able to be me, the whole me and nothing but me. I don't have to watch what I say or who I say it too and they let me speak without interrupting (well sometimes :) ) which is most unusual; often I will get cut off by others in mid-sentence leaving me with no doubt how bored they obviously are with what I was saying :) That's the great thing about a blog; nobody can cut me off. You just don't bother reading to the bottom, but I'll never know if you did or didn't, so my feelings can't be hurt. I call that a bonus :) 

I learned things this weekend too, which can never be a bad thing. I learned that the doctor was right and I really did still need to take care in the sun, because Factor 50 really is pretty useless. I learned how to have a 5 year old wipe the floor with me during a game of Pass the Pigs (so entertaining I now have my own one to play with). I did however pull off an amazing coup to win one game, and I don't mind admitting I was pretty pleased with myself (I think it was the only game I won all weekend). I learned that once the initial shock of having water squirted at you (sorry Meester) has worn off, then a middle-aged man can take on a whole different persona when it comes to retaliation. There was even diving behind chairs at one point :) I learned that no matter how many times I said "Not the face" to the little people, they still squirted me in the face more than they didn't; the best one was the 3 year old that managed to shoot straight into my ear canal - sorted out the wax.. hahahaha.. I learned the best time to shower is pre 7am, however I'd rather not have been up at that time to be hitting the shower block. I learned you never try to make a ludo move when in a game of uckers - I wasn't brave enough to partake in a game after I saw how tense it can get. You really can have too much meat - it was so nice to see a pile of veggies on my plate last night. I learned I can be quite useful at the putting up and taking down of a pretty big tent :) I think though, the best thing I learned this weekend is that it doesn't matter how much a 19 year old stands over you yelling "slower, slower", or how slow you do actually go, once the pressure seal breaks on the Archers/Bulmers combo in the soda stream, there WILL be an explosion, you WILL get coated in sticky liquid, and alcohol WILL be wasted. The last thing I learned (but I already really knew) is that 2 nights is just not enough. I think I could spend 2 weeks with them (well some of them :) ) and it still not be long enough. :)

That's really all I can share about the weekend (not because it's top secret, but because we just had a lovely chilled time hanging out with people we like) but Saturday night did set off some pretty odd dreams for me, and as someone that's had odd dreams for years, for me to find them odd they really must be. Actually, in saying that it was the early hours of Sunday morning. I'd been to the loos (in the rain) and slithered back into my sleeping bag, hoping sleep would arrive (it was 5.19am when I got back) but by 7.30 I gave up and got up. However, it suddenly struck me that during the night at some point, one of the people I was with had tried to hold my hand - not really my hand, but 3 fingers, which got twisted in with their 3 fingers on the opposite hand (it's just easier to say it was a hand hold). It never struck me as odd until I got up, when I wondered why this person would have done so, and also how they managed to do so when we were in completely different sections of the tent (yes we were next to each other, but there was a partition bit, both our bags and loads of other shit I had dotted about, and we were sleeping with our heads at different ends, so any kind of touching was going to be way out of the question. It really was most odd, but it proved to me that although I thought I had been laying there for 2 hours waiting for sleep to arrive, it had in fact been and gone again without me even knowing.  Then last night happened; I woke up 3 times during the night and every time I did so because of a dream. One of them was slightly erotically twisted, and not something I have ever dreamt of before, and hopefully never will again - that involved an old friend. Another was all to do with an ex and his sister, and I really can't ever put into words what happened in that one, and hope I never dream anything like it again also, because it left me feeling pretty disturbed. The last one, that really shook me, involved a man I know who is a really good friend; it was along the same kind of lines as the other (not sure why I am having those kind of dreams) but before hand he had some weird kind of convulsions where his whole body was twisting and jerking at angles I never knew a human body could do. There were some other people around when he started doing it, but they paid no attention, as if it was something that happened all the time. I have no idea what was going on in my head but I hope tonight it behaves a bit better, or at least includes people I don't know instead. 

Ooh; if anyone knows how I can stop this automatically sharing to fb please let me know. I thought the link had to be clicked on to share, but for some reason it seems to do it the minute I hit publish and sometimes I don't want to share what I've been saying. I've no problem if people come across it, but don't need to be telling all my friends every time I write a blog entry. :(

One last thing to share, before I head off and write an entry on my secret blog!!!!! is that I lost another 5lb this week.. hurrah.. 16lb in 3 weeks. I only hope I can keep it up :) 

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

A break from the norm

as in normal of course, not an actual break from someone called Norm, Norman, Norma, or any other name that begins with those 4 letters :) Actually not even sure I should use the word normal when talking about myself, but it's quite fitting and the right word for my description - don't you just love how I ramble a load of crap? :) 

My little old Mumsicle always told me they broke the mould when they made me (or was it that I was mouldy and broke things?). Anywho, she would tell me I was a one-off (I'm taking that as a good thing) and it would appear she may have been partly right somewhere along the lines. 

As you all know, I have had so many doctors appointments recently that the waiting room has become a second home to me (only one more to go.. hurrah.. and that's just for an injection). Yesterday was my last - let's see if we can find something truly wrong with her - appointment, and I am happy to report that I am in such good health I could have the body of a 20 year old athlete (obviously with a fat person's outer shell). My blood glucose was just a mere 2.3, my cholesterol 2.9, kidney and liver functions perfect. The only slight thing is my blood pressure, which is always low anyway, but was lower than it usually is, but still within good limits and she said it could have been where I was a bit de-hydrated (no idea how when I'm drinking so much water these days I must be filled to the brim). 

So why am I anti-normal? Because if you listen to any medical professional, media outlet, or skinny people that have an issue with fatties, you will know that fat people "WILL definitely" (their words) have type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, be a drain on the NHS, and if one person told me the redness in my cheeks that I experience is down to high blood pressure, then 80 people have told me that, before following up with "but then larger people will always have high blood pressure". Will they now? It would appear I have just proved all those people wrong. In fact I was told to keep doing exactly what I am doing as my body is perfectly in sync with itself (of course losing weight will benefit me, but not in the sense that all those ignorant people seem to believe). I told her I am following slimming world (which I am truly loving) and she said that was a good thing. The only other thing she advised is that I try to go swimming 5 times a week. Oh how I would love to do that, but aside from the fact I don't like crowded pools, I also wouldn't let this body be seen in a swimsuit. I have a weight limit though I will be happy to don my cossie, but then I will only go at times when I know it will be quiet. Of course, a lottery win would be fab, as I'd love my own pool; I'd go swimming 7 days a week for her then - I was recently offered a 15ft pool, but don't have a garden big enough (or flat enough) to set it up in. Other than that though, I was told to just keep doing what I've been doing. 

As for the redness in my cheeks? Well, I was a gnome in a previous life, of course :) 

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Feeling marvellous

at least I am now; this morning I was so stressed out about a couple of things I thought my head was going to explode. It could have made for an interesting appointment at the doctors tomorrow when I have my blood pressure check; hopefully though I've decided to say "fuck it" to all those things that have really upset me this week (and there have been many - I really do need to stop letting people influence my moods so much, especially when they really aren't worth it) so it now won't be quite so high as it might have been. Not sure though when I turned into this pathetic creature that allows others to manipulate my moods so much; it's really not like me.  Yesterday I was having a particularly bad day (until the evening arrived and my brother came round) and I kept asking myself what Donna would have said to me if she'd seen how I let these people get away with doing what they're doing; she'd kick me so bloody hard for letting them do it, so I think this morning I kicked myself on her behalf. God I miss her so much. I did almost consider taking myself off Facebook (I know; can you imagine) but that then struck me as being tantamount to giving in to the bullies, and the best way to defeat a bully is to confront them, so I shall continue doing what I do when I want, saying what I want, and if someone doesn't like it they are welcome to hit the defriend button. 

Anyway; all that was a few hours ago, the heavy head I had has lifted and I am feeling marvellous.  End of week 2, and I hopped on the scales this morning to find I had lost 4lb.. hurrah. Actually our scales can be a bit odd so you need to get on and off them at least a dozen times and I had one reading if I leaned slightly to right (the 4lb loss) another if I leaned to the left a little (an 8lb loss) and a 6.5lb loss when I stood dead centre so I chose to go for the lower loss (they did the same last week and I chose the lower) partly because I don't want to get too carried away, but also because I know next week is a mid-cycle week for me which is normally a bloating week, it's always the week I normally don't lose or put on regardless of how good I've been, and I also have new scales coming on Wednesday which could give me a completely different reading altogether (hopefully the lower number as that would give me a real boost on the next weigh in day :) ). Having new ones could also mean that I don't actually lose next week anyway, so by taking the smaller weight loss this week I won't be as disappointed if I do put on :) 

You must be delighted they say? Abso bloody lutely I am :) That's the equivalent of 5 bags of sugar I am no longer carrying around; I think my little feet and ankles are mightily delighted :) 

I did learn last night that I can now happily socialise and eat me some BBQ food, without actually eating anything that's not allowed.. Hurrah as I am away camping soon for a couple of weekends again with friends and there will be plenty of bbq'ing going on so I was worried it would not be that easy to keep to, but the find of Slimming World syn free sausages and burgers (which are bloody tasty) has solved all my problems :) Well, food ones at least. Will take me more than a frozen sausage to solve the others :) I've already worked out how much vodka I can drink too, while staying within my limits - yes I may be a bit of a food bore for a while, but the great thing is I can still have fun, drink,  eat and go away and I should still be able to lose weight. Hurrah again :) That red dress is looking like a distinct possibility :) But I won't get too carried away; I've been here before. 

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

I became a drama queen

today; not sure where she came from, but she not only made things difficult for me, but for several other people too who I am sure are feeling quite frustrated by me right now, and who can blame them? I certainly couldn't.  I also found myself in tears at one point which is most unlike me (unless I'm hormonal which I'm not - no idea why I shared that, you didn't really need to know that :) )

It's not often she puts in an appearance, and while it's no excuse, I had been to the doctors earlier, where the nurse had trouble getting blood from me because she couldn't find a vein - when I donate I have to drink at least 2 litres of water for them to get my veins, but this test was a fasting one, so I'd not drunk a thing for 12 hours before my appointment (not having a cuppa or 2 when I got up at 6 this morning was not good) plus I had to sit in the waiting room for 45 mins which was baking hot and dry as a desert, so by the time I got back to the shop, I was badly dehydrated, had an arm that was throbbing, stinging and full of holes, and I had been told I can't go on the charity walk I was meant to be doing on Sunday with the Nutty one because of some pills I have been put on - basically I have to be a vampire for the next 8 days and so I have had to let her down, and I HATE (caps are needed) letting anyone down. As I said, not an excuse, but as someone that needs tea to even think about functioning, and who is making sure I drink all the water I need to keep hydrated while I diet (or healthy eat) being deprived on a hot day wasn't as good for me as it could have been. 

So, back to my drama llama moment;  I'm going camping with some friends in a few weeks and after chatting to one of the organisers I took the day off as it was arranged I would take one lot of camping stuff and a tent, at the same time as the rest of them go down. Then I got a message off one of the others asking if she could come with me, as she'd been told I was going down in the evening and she wanted to go later. This threw me into total confuddlement, so I sent a message to the others to find out what was going on and when I was going down; for the next 6 hours there were messages going back and forth, so much so I had no bloody clue what was going on. I did come up with a solution I thought would work, and we were going to go with, when another one got thrown in and before I knew it, I was then again not going down until later, so I mentioned that, at which point another jumped in and made a decision for us all that was what I thought was happening all along in the first place. That just added to my confusion, but I am sure it pissed off a couple of the others as when I read back through, it looked and sounded as if I was being a pain in the arse and causing drama, when all I really wanted to know was what time they wanted me to be wherever they wanted me to be, to drive down whoever they wanted me to drive. I think I shall just sit back and avoid them all now until we go so I don't piss them off, or cause any more dramas.  Thankfully they know me well enough to know what I'm like, and that I'm normally quite easy come, easy go, but today it all just got so difficult, when it should have been so simple. I was waiting for a "you're taking so and so at such a time" and I would have gone along with that, but reading back through it's the way I've worded things that ended up making it all so complicated, and if any of you are reading this I am so sorry for being such a drama llama and giving you all a headache.

Monday, 6 July 2015

In the words of James Brown

I feeeeeeeeel good... actually, I feeeeeeel GREAT (more Tony the Tiger than Mr Brown). Even better than that.. I feeeeeeeeel AMAZING.. I really do.  The reason for this amazingness, is not just my 6.5lb weight loss. but also I slept on Saturday night for 6 hours straight. That NEVER happens to me (yes the shouting was needed to get my point across then :) ). Alas last night was back to normal so I do feel a bit tired but still amazing, and while the weight loss was really good, it's still less than I'd normally lose on a first week, but this time round I want to lose it slower; I think part of my problem of not sticking to things before is because I've lost so much in such a short space of time, that I then think it won't matter to be bad once or twice (that takeaway won't hurt, or the bottle of wine turns into 2 or 3 and before I know what's happening I'm back where I started). This time it is for life (yes I do have a weekend away planned where there will be bacon sandwiches for breakfast, but I know that in advance and can plan for it so I am prepared). Someone said to me this morning "but you've been in this position so many times before" (relating to the weight loss you pervs :) ) and it's true, I have, and each time I say it's different, and each time I mean it when I say it, but this time I don't feel like I'm on a diet; I'm not restricting anything, I can eat what I want, when I want. Some foods are completely unlimited which means I can eat as much or as little of those as I choose and I think that is a psychological thing, because I know I can eat so much, I make the choice not to :) I'm not doing this for anyone else, not because I've been told to, because someone has made me feel worthless as a fat person, or because I want to find myself a man. I'm doing this because I want to, and when I wanted to stop biting my nails I succeeded, and when I wanted to give up smoking I gave up, so maybe, just maybe, this time it really will be different :) I want to buy the red dress I've always promised myself - just because I don't have anyone to take me anywhere in it doesn't mean I can't get myself small enough to fit into it and maybe that makes a difference too. Before I'd think that there was no point because there was nobody to take me out wearing it; now I know that doesn't really matter. It's not about anyone else; it's all about me. 

Another thing I'm doing differently this time round, is drinking water. I always hear about how we should drink more, but have never really enjoyed it; until now. Sometimes to make a slight change I'll stick it in the sodastream and give it a bit of fizz, other's I'll add a splash of sugar free summer fruits squash (the robinson's one is delicious) but mostly I drink it just as it is (after it's been in the fridge a while; warm water or straight from the tap is minging). I even downloaded an app to my phone to make sure I drink enough each day to keep me hydrated, and when I can see I've not had enough I am choosing to swap a cup of tea or coffee, for a glass of water. I've NEVER (shouting needed) done that before. I used to worry it would make me pee more, but I've learned that it doesn't; however, when I do pee, I can pee for England, but at least that means my kidneys are working well :) I've also noticed it's making a difference to my skin; now if I could just sort out my dry, almost blurry eyes, then I'll be well on my way to being sorted :) 

I'm off to the docs tomorrow for part 2 of my mot check ups - this one involves blood tests, and I know they are going to comment on my weight, and tell me I've most likely got diabetes and high blood pressure because I'm a fat bint, like they usually do, and maybe they're right this time but I'm hoping they're not, and I know by making the changes that I am making, and by losing the weight those chances will diminish; as will the likelihood of me dying young, and if I'm totally honest that is the thing spurring me on more than anything. Yes it would be nice to finally find someone that thinks me attractive (I really will need to lose quite a bit before that happens) but that's not the reason for doing this. Aside from the red dress (which I really have promised myself for the past 20 years) I really do want to live as long as I possibly can; there are still so many things I want to do with my life, that to pop my clogs early would really piss me off, so anything I can do to help prevent that, I am going to try my hardest; I'm lucky I've made it this far really, but I'd love to make it a whole lot further if I can :) 

I know realistically it is going to take me until this time next year to get to the target weight I have set myself, but even each ounce lost over that time is going to help take some of the pressure off. I know it's not going to be easy (alcohol being the hardest part as that really does pack some cals) but I've quit so much else in life, that this really should be a walk in the part; especially as I don't actually have to quit anything; I just need to keep a check on it and limit my intake :) 

Friday, 19 June 2015


day - something I seem to say a lot these days, which can never be a bad thing :) Maybe I'm not as miserable and grumpy as I thought I was :) 

What caused this newest amazing day  A day out at Longleat with the Nutty one is what.  Aside from the weather (a wee bit too hot for my liking when we were in a car with no air-con - of course I wasn't going to take mine when I knew we would be going through the monkey enclosure.. I may look daft, but really?). However, I guess had it been colder then a lot of the animals would have gone inside, so for the heat and sweaty Betty moments it was worth it :)

Traffic was on our side once we got past Southampton, which meant we arrived at the park earlier than planned, and before it was technically open, but they let us in anyway - always a good sign.  When I've been there before we've not stopped at the African part, choosing to drive through the Giraffes instead, but yesterday we stopped and I am so glad we did. The Nutty one hand fed a Giraffe (when I say hand fed, she held a piece of tree branch and nearly lost an arm when the Giraffe yanked at it so hard). I had queued with her originally to also feed one, but decided I really needed a coffee more, but that worked out better in a way as it meant I was able to get some pics of her feeding one, but also take more pics of the other giraffes while everyone else was clambering for a feed :)  Having not stopped there before meant I knew nothing about the Lemurs, one of which really made me laugh. Talk about having a laid back approach :) He also had the look that said "You wanna take my piccie? Click away humans, click away".. I could imagine him later with an iced Margarita laughing with his fellow Lemurs about how easy to please us humans were. 

Next up came the monkeys; always guaranteed to entertain. We weren't even 20 feet into their enclosure before they were on the car. There was pooping on the bonnet, swinging from the rear wiper, and banging on the roof, but they didn't actually do any damage which was a huge bonus - I could have taken my car had I known they would be so well behaved.  The teeny tiny baby ones were just too cute for their own good as well.

However, no matter how funny the monkeys were they were not a patch on the laughs the deer gave us. One in particular seemed to be a bit of a wind up merchant, who I had a pretty intense argument with. The Nutty one was in hysterics when said deer actually poked it's tongue out at me. At one point I thought he was going to get in the car with us. Such a funny experience (he was on the 2nd drive round we did - first time was good but not quite so funny). Well worth paying the pound for a cup of feed for them.

Actually most of our best photo's and moments came on our 2nd drive round - the first was amazing enough; the 2nd totally phenomenal. It was definitely worth foregoing the maze and not hunting for the fruit bats.

I do love a rhinososserus, so was mighty chuffed on the 2nd drive when all 4 were stood just off the road on my side of the car - another massive benefit of not driving was being able to snap off as many photo's as I could.. didn't know until I uploaded them this morning that I took just under 1300; in one day.. eek. We were also blessed to see the Elephant, who doesn't often venture out of her house, which is where we saw her, but apparently it's very rare to catch a glimpse of her.

The big cats though; well, they just blew my tiny pea brain mind. I had never seen a tiger in the flesh; all the zoo's and wildlife parks I've visited in my life, and the tiger has been the one creature to allude me. Until yesterday. First time round we saw them and they were in the distance laying against a perimeter fence. I was more than happy with that. I could zoom in to a point and see what I was photographing. That would have been enough. However, on the 2nd drive I will admit I almost cried; I'm blaming the hormones, but I felt truly blessed for a tiger walked out of the long grass, across the road and the car in front of us, and laid down on the grass next to us. She was no more than 10 feet away from us. She was sideways on but oh my; to be so close. That was the icing on the cake until we got round another bend to see another one lift her head up from behind the grass she was laying in. She was about 15 feet away from us, but I got some amazing full face shots of her. Talk about being really lucky (after what happened before our 2nd go round which I'll share in a mo, I may now believe in good luck). I think a third of my total photos for the day, were taken of those 2 tigers.

Never thinking it could get better, and that the shots I got of a male and female lion laying side by side on our first go round were wonderful, I was to learn things really can get better. For the 2nd drive we came across a pride laying on the road side, with both males next to each other. I managed to get a pic as they both lifted their head and looked in our direction. Literally as we pulled away, so they moved. Had we been 30 seconds later we would not have seen them. Talk about being lucky. The exact same thing happened with the Cheetahs (I can take or leave them, but know the Nutty one loves them). We had one walk right up to the car before moving behind us. Literally all that was between us and it was the metal of the car. To be so close was just wonderful.

The only disappointing thing on our first drive round was that we never got to see the wolves. Well, we saw the very top of one's back as it walked through long grass, so that kind of counted but not really. Then, as with the rest of trip 2 we turned a corner, to have one walk in the road in front of us, while another slept at the very edge of the road. Again I was about 8 feet away from it. I was almost made a believer yesterday. It did seem weird that we'd toyed with the idea of whether to go round again or not, but something told us too. So glad we listened, because that was the best drive (the monkeys were more fun first time) so we really got the best of both worlds.

I was a bit gutted by the Penguin Island. All week I'd been looking forward to it as the website makes it look as if you can walk with them through their whole enclosure and touch them too, but you can't. They have a 20 feet long fenced in path that you are allowed to enter when told, shuffled along and not allowed to touch them in any way. I never even bothered to walk through as you couldn't really stop to take a photo either.

The other birds though; oh my they were amazing (I used that word a lot to describe yesterday's shenanigans). Rainbow Lorikeets is what they are, and they really are bright, vibrant, rainbow coloured birds. Again they charge you extra for a pot of food for them, £1 for a cm worth of some nectar, but it's £1 well spent as they will fly at you, land on you and chomp away while sitting on your arm. Now, the downside to that is their bums are also on you and the one I was feeding thought it would be a good idea to shit on me as he fed, so I ended up with warm, runny bird poop all down my arm, dripping off my elbow and finger tips. "It's good luck" everyone told me, and as it happened before we drove round for a 2nd trip, maybe they were right, for we truly were very lucky. I have bought a euro millions ticket for tonights lottery though; just in case that luck decides to continue for another day or 2 :)

The day flew by, and the 7.5 hours we were there really wasn't long enough, but hey; it's an excuse to go back another time. Yes it was expensive (we got our tickets for £28 each online, but it's dearer to buy at the gate) but when you take into consideration the costs involved in running such a place, and for the amount of fun we had while there, then it's not a lot at all. I have been there in the past and not seen a single animal (except for an odd zebra bum) but that's a chance you take. Even not seeing anything it's worth it for the experience. You could waste that money and things far less entertaining. I don't think I could ever beat yesterday for the animal side, but you just never know. I'm already saving to go back.

One other bit of good/exciting news (to me at least) that happened yesterday was I got tickets to see Duran Duran in December. No, I really can't afford all these things I've been doing, but I really will be dead for a long time and I don't want to die regretting not taking chances that are offered.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Sat at work

trying to do everything possible to take my mind off the fact I am booked in for a smear test in 2 hours time. I was about to say I didn't need to tell you that, but you know what? I really did, because regular screening can help save lives and for those 5 minutes of embarrassment (which let's face it is only in our minds, because the nurse doing it has seen many women's bits over a long period of time.. and at the end of the day I am sure it's worse for the nurse than for those of us having to go through it) and the uncomfortableness of it (not painful for those of you that have never had one and may be worried about it, but it can be a bit uncomfy) but if it means any potential cancerous cells are caught early enough to save a life, then it is so worth putting yourself through it. I've never missed an appointment in all the years they have been offered to me, but since my best friend died of cervical cancer it's more important than ever for me to get checked - I truly believe they should lower the age limit as well and tests should possibly be every 2, rather than 3 years. If you get the letter telling you to make an appointment, then you really should make one. Don't put it off; your life is worth more than those 5 minutes. There are so many cancer's that you can't do much about as there is no pre-screening to find them and you only know you have them once it's too late, but cervical is one that you can get an indication of - it's not 100% foolproof, as nothing is - but if it's caught early enough it can be cured. Don't let your best friend be sat there one day missing you like mad, because you didn't take those 5 minutes out of your busy life to get yourself screened. And, if like me, you are a fat bint (which let's face it I really am) I do understand that you might want to put it off for a while until you've lost some weight, but if you have to hold your belly back so the nurse can get where she needs to go then so be it (I'm not that big but do know of someone that has told me that before). Again, the choice is yours; 5 minutes embarrassment, or death. I know which I choose. I might even go the whole hog today and see if she will do my tetanus for me too but knowing what my surgery is like I expect I'll have to try and book another appointment for another day.

I did have a big boost this morning which has spurred me on with the healthy eating and exercise (still not sorted out the pilates but some aerobic exercises have been completed successfully). I hopped on the scales Sunday (I know; I was only going to weigh in once a month but had such a good week last week I wanted to check what I was doing was working) and I lost 3.5lb so that was a good thing, but this morning I decided to check my measurements (I did them last at the beginning of the month and again was only going to do them once a month - in honesty I only did my tummy as that is the widest, biggest and most pronounced part of my body) and I've lost 3 inches from it. Hurrah. Maybe those sit-ups are having an effect (yes I've been trying to do 50 a night to begin with (I did only manage 35 the other night though) - hoping to build up to 100 a day). I know the inches lost could just be down to me peeing more over-night but I'll take what I can get right now as it spurs me on to keep going :) 

In other news, I am off for the day tomorrow and heading down to Longleat for the day with the Nutty one, which I have to say I am very much looking forward to. Originally we were meant to be going to London where we were going to visit Madame Tussauds for their Star Wars section. 2 others were coming with us, so we got a great deal on train tickets, then the others let us down, meaning we either had to find 2 other people to come with us (which we tried and failed at), we had to pay another £68 EACH on the train, or it cost us (me because I booked them) £25 but I got some money back on them. We chose that option; better to lose £25 than pay out another £68 when I don't have that much to begin with. I'm a bit more than pissed off in one way about it as the *friend* that has let me down has still not had the decency to let me know he now can't make it; the last thing he said to me was "I need to double check on something and will let you by the end of the day for definite". That was 3 weeks ago.. I've heard NOTHING. Honestly, what is it with people claiming to be friends who always let me down when money is concerned? There are those "If you sort it I will pay you back" that never do. The "if you drive I'll pay for your tickets" who then end up getting you to pay for lunch too so it ends up costing you more. The ones that say "you pay for the tickets and I'll drive and pay fuel" yet whenever I drive they NEVER offer anything to me for fuel and I have paid for the tickets too - and often get stung for the coffees and dinners as well. I know; I'm a fool. Good job they're not all like it. The friends I went (and am going again) camping with I had to practically force them to take money off me; thankfully once I explained that as lovely as it is of them to want to help out and pay for me, I can't moan about others never paying me if I don't pay  my way, they finally agreed to let me pay my share. The battle has begun for the next trip already, but Mr Jones if you are reading this, I am one step ahead of you :) I'm a woman with a plan :) 

I started this before the doctors and am finishing now I'm back.. I can't re-iterate enough how quickly a smear is over and done with. I left work at 11 was back at work at 11.20.. I waited for 5 minutes to book in with the receptionist, 5 minutes in the waiting room and it took 4 minutes to walk there and the same back.. that means the whole experience was over and done with in 2 minutes (this included confirming who I was, talking about smelly feet, and having it done). Please if just one woman reads this and it makes you go then that can only be a good thing. Don't put it off; it really could save your life. 

Ooh.. Ooh.. before I forget. Those of you not on my facebook won't know that I have a new obsession. With Penguins; that's right, you heard correctly. Pengiuns. I didn't even know I liked until a week ago. While looking for somewhere else to go tomorrow (once the London cancelled decision was made we then had to find somewhere else) I remembered once seeing a sign for a Wildlife Park when I was visiting Burford in Oxfordshire, so I googled it. I will definitely be visiting there later in the year, but while on their site I came across their webcams. They have 2. A Meercat one (I don't really get they hype around Meercats; just as I don't get the hype around Pug dogs) and a Penguin one. I never knew how entertaining and funny a penguin could be to watch. While at work I have the cam running in the background, and they've made me chuckle so much at times. They are definitely worth checking out. Yes, I will be adopting one. 

Friday, 12 June 2015

There's a stillness

in the air this evening, as I sit in my little canvas garden room (the 2 side panels down and in their proper place). The light rain (that has just replaced the heavy delude we've had for an hour) is pitter pattering down on the roof, while giant drops still splish and splash here and there. In the fir tree, that is shaking it's excess water all over the plants below, as the wind blows through it, is a pigeon, telling Betty that his toe is bleeding (if you have idea what I mean, the next time you hear a pigeon call, take note.. you might just hear the words "My toes bleeds Betty" coming from him). Listen up; you'll see what I mean.

The sun disappeared a long time ago when the clouds moved in, but hasn't set yet so the sky is that bluey/grey colour, which is getting darker by the second - so much so that the street lamp at the top of the garden has just come on (when I say top, I really do mean top. Our back garden is on a hill, giving us 3 levels. Ground, middle and top. If I stand up straight, the top part is level with my head - not that I can stand there as such because there is a middle level in the way, but it's to give you an idea of how much higher that part of the garden is, and why top is the right explanation.

There are 2 scented candles burning on the low table in front of me (I have the laptop on a taller, one man dinner plate size table) and I have incense burning in the lanterns that hang from the sides of the gazebo that don't have curtains to pull across - ahh.. as I type so the heavy rain has begun again and it is banging down on the roof. I love that sound. If I could sleep under a canvas (or something that gives me a similar sound - caravan, conservatory, shed) roof I would do so every night.. ooh.. I may have to move indoors.. it's getting a wee bit heavier.. 

It actually started to hammer down, harder than Thors hammer, so I had to move back inside. Not because my canvas room was leaking - it really does hold up to the rain well - but because the big (and they really are huge) rain drops were splashing on the patio all around me, spraying water up. Now I have no problem getting wet myself (no rude innuendo's and thoughts please) but I really don't want to get my laptop wet. It's not even a week old yet and I need it to last at least 10 years. 

Back to what I was saying - although the stillness and quiet have definitely been replaced. I could live under a canvas roof (because I really do love the sound of the rain) but I'm not sure I would want canvas sides and a floor that would leak easily. Not that I need either for now as back indoors I can hear it pounding against the window, and the porch roof (which has a door, and hallway between me and it, so that gives an indication of just how hard it's coming down). In fact it's making me feel quite drowsy. Not sure if there is thunder around (it's meant to have been stormy in some places) as the dog is sitting under my desk, shaking. It could just be the sound of the rain making her skittish, but I have a bit of a fuzzy head too, so I think there is a chance we may be lucky and get a rumble or 2 (yes I love thunderstorms as well).

I have no idea where I'm going with this entry now, or what I was going to say in the first place, so think I shall stop and come back another time :) I think I was going to go along a whole calming, romance (I know.. I don't do romance but by that I mean serene, lovely etc) route, but who knows? If I don't then anyone reading this certainly won't. 

Ooh; thanks to those of you that read the last entry. Not sure how you came across it as I never shared it - it was published or you wouldn't have been able to read, but I didn't share for some reason, but hope you weren't too bored by it :) 

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

It's not often

I'm in a good mood these days - ok, that's not really true as I am often in a good mood, but I can still rant when I am.. I can still complain about things.. I can still moan.. A lot... but for some reason this week, today especially, I am in a really good mood. The kind of mood where I have just been asked why I'm walking round singing - I often sing so not sure why I would be asked such a question.. maybe today my singing is even more chirpy.. in fact I had to phone the doctors earlier (I have a bank of appointments over the next 5 weeks and I'm not even ill.. well as far as I know I'm not.. maybe they know something I don't.. eek) but I actually had a cheerful receptionist on the phone.. I know right? A cheerful doctors receptionist? She was even laughing at how many appointments she was having to make for me.. she even (now make sure you're sitting down for this because it's a bit of a shocker from a doctors receptionist) made a joke.. well not so much a joke but she made a funny comment. I know.. it's a good job I'm not ill or that could have tipped me over the edge. Turns out those 5 appointments she's made for me are more than I've had in the past 12 years :)  and they sat fat people are drains on the NHS and unhealthy. This batch I'm having are all because I'm a woman of a certain age and a couple are preventative screenings, so if it wasn't for those I wouldn't be going at all. The blood tests take up 2 appointments too; oddly they have to do one where I've fasted and one when I haven't - never heard that before. To add to it I may have to make a 6th appointment as I am due a tetanus booster but she wouldn't back that in for me just in case I don't need it - they do this to me every time it's due and tell me they are no longer necessary, then I tell them what I do for a job and they stab a needle in my arm :) 

My good mood even continued after the company I ordered something from sent their ugly smelly delivery man, and not the handsome delivery man I usually get; I can only imagine how good the mood would have been if they had sent him. I think I'd have been bouncing off the walls :) Even the thought of the grandfather being round this evening has not changed things - yet; I guess it could change when I see him, as it could just as easily if someone with a negative attitude was to drain me.  Mind you, not sending handsome delivery man isn't such a bad thing. I may not have been able to get any work done for the rest of the day if they'd sent him :) 

What has caused this good mood? I haven't a clue. I wish I did know because the next time I'm in a bad mood or someone has pissed me off I'd be able to take whatever it was and cheer myself up :)  I do wonder if it has anything to do with weight (no I don't know if I've lost anything yet because I am only weighing once a month) and I don't look as though I've lost anything - that's not really an indication as I have so much to lose I should think I could potentially lose 4 stone before it really notices to anyone - but it could be that I'm proud of how well I am sticking to it this time round. Once I realised what my trigger was for the reason why I fall off the wagon, and once I found the way that suits me better, it seems that sticking to it is in fact easier than I've known it to be before. I always seem to be able to stick to it the first week or 2 and am only on week 2, but I have noticed I'm making choices (good choices) automatically this time round rather than thinking about what to have. Earlier I just grabbed a glass of water, whereas before I would have put the kettle on, then told myself that I should be cutting back on tea and coffee and forced water down; the fact I chose it and haven't noticed that I am in fact drinking water is a big thing for me. Last night I even had to force myself to eat extra food to make my minimum amount of calories up; that's never a bad thing. 

Sadly this eating properly (and taking my vitamins too - well I am of that *certain age* as the receptionist at the doctors told me) isn't sorting out the burning cheeks that seem to glow and warm up around the same time every day, but I guess I can't have it all. It is also on my list of things to discuss with the doctor when I go to one of my appointments, as I've been told it could be due to high blood pressure (being a fatty that would be understandable, although my BP has always been spot on in the past and I've been a fatty for a really long time) but it could also be due to something called Rosie something (I'm guessing because of the colour cheeks go with it, they were being ironic when they named it :) )

None of this healthy stuff is making a difference to my sleeping just yet but I'm even hopeful that it might; I felt mighty tired last night and thought that meant I was in for a good night but it wasn't to be, another reason for me being in a good mood being so odd. I know I've had years to get used to not sleeping, but it does get draining after a while; sometimes. Other times I seem to have really good, deep sleep but in small bursts. Those are the nights I think I've not slept at all but will be told by others I was snoring like a trouper. :) I've not noticed an improvement in my eyes yet either which is something I normally do notice when I eat and drink well, but again this morning as soon as I got to work I had a fuzzy head and iffy vision. I am wondering if it's something in the shop that's doing it as I never experience it at home. I opened all the doors and windows today to try and clear some air out as I thought that could be a possible reason for it. I'm sure I can run it past the doctors on one of my many appointments.. hahaha..

The exercise part of being good hasn't actually taken effect yet. I do have the equipment needed - the treadmill needs digging out of the garage and bolting back together - and I was planning on starting the pilates at last yesterday, but it just didn't happen. I know that's just down to me being a lazy arse and I know I will have to start or I am going to have really saggy skin (I'm going to have that anyway but can lessen the effects a wee bit). Have to admit that is one thing that puts me off.. at the moment no man will come near me because I'm a fat old bint, but if I do manage to lose the weight and someone finally decides they are brave enough to take me on, he could end up feeling cheated.. can you imagine? He's gonna see this sexy bodacious babe (I know.. I'm already one of those, but a slimmer version will be like he's getting a super improved me) and then I'll get naked with him (ooh err.. how rude) and he'll feel he's been lulled into a false sense of security because while he'll be expecting trim and sexy, he's going to get saggy and floppy.. hahahahaha.. maybe I really should just remain single :) Not that any of that should really matter because he should want me regardless, but men don't seem to think that way, which is why nobody wants me at the mo. Can't say I blame them.. I look in the mirror and see hideous, so if I'm seeing it then they must be too.. but hopefully that will all be changing.. hurrah.. go me.. hahahahaha.. how many times have I said this? I could have retired if I put £1 in a pot each time I said it :)

Something else I have noticed today.. I have finally decided the new Take That album is really worthy of my time.. I wasn't sure when I first got it, and even after seeing them live it still didn't tempt me, but today? I've had it on repeat and I have sung and danced my way through it several times. There really are some cracking tracks on it.. I think I must have been in the wrong place, or the wrong kind of me before.. this happy me LOVES it :) Except the 2nd song.. that's a bit of a let down but the rest are top tunes :) 

Have to say I am also loving my new laptap/net book thingy. After going round my brothers on Monday to borrow his tablet that doubles as a laptop thingy too in place of my broken iPad (this still saddens me) I was a bit unsure I wanted to leave with his as it was heavy and windows based. He then produced a mini chromebook (let's face it my love for google is renowned.. google drive is the BEST thing ever invented) and I had a little play, decided I wanted one of them instead and this morning it arrived (with ugly smelly delivery man).  It actually reminds me of my trusted macbook, but for a fraction of the price. It's perfect for what I want it for which is to be able to do my own things at work without having to worry about other people viewing it. I know my web pages can still be tracked because I'm connected to the shops network, but at least I have none of my bits open on the shop computere, so if I walk away and someone wants something they won't be able to view what I am up to with my personal pages any more. They also won't be able to log on when I'm not here :) Win, win all round; the shop one stays just for the shop, the chromebook stays just for me, but also means I can pop it in a handbag (one of my larger ones, as although it's only an 11" it's still a lot bigger than my iPad way) and take it with me if I need/want to show someone something. The only downside is a pad can be charged in my car, the laptop can't so it's no good to take away with me unless I have an electric hook up, but if I am away why would I want to play on a pooter anyway? Yes, it was a lot of money to spend just for some privacy, but my privacy is important to me. The messages I send back and forth with people on FB are between me and them, nobody else needs to have access to them. This way nobody will as they have no reason to open up my little book thingy when the shop computer is switched on and good to go. It also means if I spin the screen round to show a customer something, I don't have to worry about what else they may see either.  The crazy thing is I don't really have anything to hide and my brother knows my passwords for everything so it's not as if I want to hide things but it should be down to me who sees what, and there are certain people I won't want to see things that are of no concern to them.  Another great thing is I can have all of my different google accounts logged on and once and easily switch between them (they may not be such a good thing when I find myself writing a blog on here that should be going elsewhere, but as long as I double check myself, I should be ok).  If not it just makes things and life even more entertaining :)

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Sitting here

in my little garden, under the gazebo we so expertly assembled this morning - 2 women, 36 poles, 3 pieces of canvas and no instructions, I think we did bloody well :)  All sorted in half an hour and not a cross word between us - that in itself is a miracle these days. 

Anyway; as a result of said gazebo now being in place, I have spent most of my day sitting in the garden (when I wasn't watching the Canadian F1 race, when I was cooking dinner, and other bits and pieces in between). It has a couple of side panels I have tied back presently, but they can be loosened off to cover the sides, which gives me ultimate privacy from my neighbours either side (there's a lot of sides in those last couple of rows) but still allows me one open side with though which I can view the garden which is currently full of various colours and types of flowers. Right now the coloured solar lights we have dotted about (among flowers and over the archways) are beginning to switch themselves on as the light from the sun slowly fades on another day.  That's one of the only things I really like about the summer - that moment as the sun sets and night takes over. The way the blue changes from light bright, to a mid blue, to darkness. It also means not having to put on a hat, scarf, thick jumpers, coats and gloves if you want to go star gazing (although the meteor shower in December is still the best and worth wrapping up for; I even stayed out through a snowstorm once as I could see the clouds were going to break, and I am so glad I did for that was the night I saw the bright green comet that was bigger than anything I had seen before - or since).  

It's not massively warm though; current temperature is 11'c so it's pleasant to sit in, but still too warm to charge about it - good job I'm just sat here. :) 

What got me thinking about this blog entry though was the way the bumble bees are still buzzing around everything, trying to gather as much as they can before the night takes hold. The sounds of the birds as they call to each other, ready to bed down again until sunrise, when they will wake everyone up with their dawn chorus - which I really do like but wish they would do at a more sensible hour of the day. Mind you the bird sounds are currently being drowned out by the snoring from the dog who i slaying on my feet, and the howling of the cat who is peering at me through the gap in the back door that is just that wee bit too narrow for her to crawl out of. Her eyes are glowing though which is quite spooky in a way. :) 

Not quite so over-keen on the mozzies that are flying around, taking chunks out of me all over, even though I have citronella incense and candles burning; I'm not convinced about them not liking the smell if I'm honest. I think deep down the smell is like a light to a moth, and draws them in closer. Still, compared to the bites my friend ended up with when we went camping, a few nips here and there won't hurt me - his were huge, sore and rather nasty looking. I also know one antihistamine will stop any itching that may occur with me as a result of being bitten.

Ooh look; I got off track again. How unusual for me, although actually I'm still very much on track for it's all those little things I've just wasted your time with as you read it, that once again showed me just how lucky I am to be able to sit here and marvel at all that is around me. So many people are no longer here to be able to share in moments like these, and so many others that are still here probably never spend the time just sitting and appreciating; I know I don't do enough of it.  That's why my little gazebo - that has given me a garden room - is a blessing to me. Instead of being cooped up indoors with crap on the TV, I have been outside enjoying all that nature and the beauty of life have to offer me. Too often I get caught up in stuff - friends falling out, others having major dramas (that are really petty and minor but made out to be the worst thing in the world). People trying to stir up shit, not just for me but for others also. On a day to day basis there is always someone intent on ruining someone else's day (I've been that person too; I've dragged someone else down with me when I've had a bad day, and always felt really bad about doing so. Sadly some people turn their whole lives into a drama and don't give a shit if they take someone else's exceptionally happy day and turn it into something dull and depressing). Out here today there is none of that. I've avoided people so nobody can bring me down (I was in a good mood before the day even started). Any problems and worries I have (and I do have a few) have been pushed to one side for today and now as I sit here, tapping away on a keyboard, sharing how I feel with people I've never met (and probably will never meet ) as well as those that already know me (or at least know the person I choose to share with them) I am extremely grateful to be alive. I am blessed to be sitting her, when so many of the people I have loved are no longer able to, and I hope in 30 years time I get to sit and write another one of these sharing with a new set of people, about how lucky I am to be alive, and I truly am one of the lucky ones. Yes there are things I would like to change, there are people I would like to spend more time with, but right here, right now, I am being shown that there is much more to life than I want's and I would like's. There is beauty in abundance, and all around me at this exact moment in time, tiny little miracles are taking place before my eyes. Flowers are growing, birds are huddling up with their families, even insects which I may not like, but who play a big part in our lives, are going about their business. There's a whole world of things going on in my small garden, each and every one of them a living miracle.

So when you next feel a bit low or think that life is crap, take some time out; go sit in your garden (or a park, the beach, anywhere that's outside) and shut yourself off from whatever is bothering or hurting you and see what there is around you. Realise you are just a tiny spot in the universe, but even your tiny spot can make a difference, and think yourself lucky each and every day that you are alive to enjoy it. So many aren't.

Also; take a chance on life, whether that be making a move on the person you have your eye on (the worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you they don't feel the same way.. that's the worst that can happen and just because they may not want to be with you as a partner, doesn't mean they don't care about you or want you in their life. Take the risk, make the move; Don't sit on your cloud when you're dead with a list of What if's. Life is for living. Get out there and live it. If you think you could start a business then start it. The worst that can happen is that it will fail; that won't mean you are a failure though. How could you be? You took a risk, a chance, a gamble. That makes you a winner no matter what the outcome. 

Don't deliberately go out and hurt someone, but don't let someone else's thoughts and feelings get in the way of your happiness. If they don't like you being happy then they're not really that nice a person to have in your life anyway, and don't let someone else hurt you if you can help it.  I've spent too much of my life worrying about other people; how something I do or say may upset them, to realise just recently that those same people have never once given a shit about my feelings and whether their actions might upset me. Don't let that that happen to you; surround yourself with other people that make you feel good... jeez.. I sound like some preachy life coach and I'm not entirely sure who I'm trying to convince, aside from myself.... hahaha.. maybe it's time I took my own advice :)  

Maybe sitting here this evening enjoying life with a smile on my face it's time I did other things that make me smile.. and I know just the thing......... :) :) :) 

Monday, 1 June 2015

New week

New month; new beginnings; NEW start - how many times have I said that over the years? Actually, not sure I've said that as such, but I'm always bleeting on about changes (making and sticking to them, and other things) and I'm always really positive I'm going to stick to it every time I say I'm going to, that you'll have probably already written me off by now, but I'm not going to write myself off, because this time really does feel different. Maybe that's because the hair is lighter - I'm almost blond, but more of a light golden brown right now, although 2 male friends have both been in to see me today and started their convos with "well hello blondie" so maybe it's lighter than how I see it. 

To get it this light though it really did go through many different shades yesterday; at one point I looked like a pineapple. Add in my exceptionally red cheeks and I really was a catch; no idea why I am single... hahahaha. Prior to the pineapple look I was orange; thankfully the present colour is much more even and livable with :) 

Anyway; I think with this new look, has come a new confidence, because I feel as though I could take on the world right now. It also means I've decided to make the rest of my life about me, and only me. I realised last night I've spent my whole life worrying about upsetting other people and it struck me that those same people have never worried about upsetting me.  Here I am at 45, living with my Mum, having no money because I've always put everyone else before myself; there are all those people out there that have only ever thought of themselves and they seem to have it all, and if they get bored of what they have, they seem to be able to move on elsewhere, leaving a trail of devastation in their wake, with little or no harm to themselves. Now I could never be that kind of person, because it's not in my dna to shit on someone, or treat someone badly. It's not in me to take from anyone, at the expense of someone else, but I also don't have to let people take from me any more. If I want something from now on I will try to get it; if that means someone else doesn't get it, then tough. They wouldn't have thought about me if they wanted it; swings and roundabouts. I also got myself caught up in something last week, and found I bit when goaded; am so angry at myself for it. I should have ignored what was being said, but because of how I was feeling I found myself get pulled into something I want no part of; that will also be stopping. I'm sure it was done to test me (trying to see if I would spill or if I can be trusted with things being told to me, and I am not prepared to play those games any more; that is all part of the new, improved me :) ) Plus, I'll be dead before my time anyway so I just have make the most of life while I am still here; eternity is a really long time to be ashes scattered to the wind.

A thing I have noticed is that there may be something about the whole 'positive thinking' thing. I always try to be as I know life is too short not to be, but recently so many things have happened, and some quite offish things have been said, that I've been a bit of a negative nelly (I really don't like nelly when she takes over). This morning she got shoved back in her box where she belongs (and where I hope she stays for a while yet). I got up with a renewed cheerfulness, and a mission to get not only my life back on track, but also the shop (which suffered one of it's worst months ever last month). Things were so bad at the shop, I've had to defer making a couple of bills payments (not the end of the world as I get 30 days to pay all my bills) but I like to pay them on the day I get them so I know where I am and how much money there is in the pot for other bits. I know there was the delivery issue when I had my week off, and I am certain that had some effect, but I think I was the reason the rest of it was so quiet. This morning though I came in with a renewed vigour and determination to get the shop back on track and it is paying off. I've taken more today than I took in the whole of last week and the week before - combined. I've also spent the day cleaning, tidying, re-arranging and generally taking an interest in how the shop looks - not something I've done for a while because I've been feeling so low myself. Tomorrow I shall work on the kitchen and bathroom, and get all the rubbish bags taking up valuable space, removed. 

As for the healthy eating; well that fell by the wayside too, but a hop on the scales yesterday showed a 10lb loss last month, which considering I had 2 long weekends away, and consumed good food and alcohol, I am more than happy with. Aiming for 20 this month though :) Really I need to lose 70 in the next 16 weeks, but I know that is being a bit unreasonable; however, I will be exercising too so even if I don't lose that much I'm hoping the toning that should occur might give the impression I have. I'm not a fool though; I know I have tried (and failed) many times, and I am also aware each time I was determined as I am today, but before I never made any other changes; I never added everything that affects me into the equation. Maybe this time I could finally do it; I might just surprise myself and achieve exactly what I've set out to. 

In other news - in brief - a night out with the Nutty one on Saturday provided some amusement when she shared with me messages between the 2 of us from the previous Saturday when I was camping; it appears I was a lot more drunkeness than I believed I was :)