Monday, 29 September 2014

I just don't understand

how the heck I can have eaten SOOOOOOO much in the past week, and still lost 7lb - that's right; I lost weight, and I literally ate like a horse (not that a horse would eat the things I ate last week, so I've no idea why someone came up with that comment as a statement in the first place). 

As you all know I'm always starting new diets - every week - and have in my life time tried them all (I put on weight when I stuck to Weight Watchers and I really stuck to it) and I've had a lot of success with some of them (earlier in the year I lost 3 stone by cutting out carbs, but got bored as there are only so many rashers of bacon and sausages one woman can stand and as soon as I started to eat properly again (still sticking to a set amount of calories) I put it all back on. This causes a lot of dilemma as to which way I turn next. Then my lovely brother told me he had just signed up to Slimming World - this is the only weight loss program thing I had never tried as I just didn't understand what people were on about when they told me they had green and red days, and the syns idea seemed to complicated to me. I remembered a friend lost over 7 stone following the plan, so I knew it worked for some, but as I say it always seemed a bit complicated, but as I desperately need to do something, I thought I would give it a try and call on my brother if I got stuck, as he understood how it worked. 

I don't know why I didn't start it sooner, and I know now what a fool I was to let something that is actually so simple put me off. I managed to get my head round the system within a couple of hours, and on Monday last week I kicked off with the (I want to say diet but I really have eaten so much that there's no way I can even think about it being a diet). I've eaten chilli, curry and creamy pasta bakes. I've had massive jacket spuds with beans and cream cheese (I can honestly say fromage frais and cream cheese are my new best food accessories, and both are foods I would never have considered prior to last week). I've eaten muesli, rice, fruit shredded wheat. I've had jacket spuds smothered in coronation chicken. It's been mad. I honestly have never eaten so much and yet I lost 7lb (and on the week when my hormones are normally at their highest and I never lose - in fact I often put on weight during that week). 

The slimming world website itself is really hard to navigate and their food diary is a pig to use (weight watchers have a much better set up) but I still use the My Fitness Pal app (and online site) for keeping track of what I am eating and drinking (that one is free and dead easy to use). Daft as it sounds keeping a track of what's being consumed does become a bit of an obsession, but it works really well for me to make sure I know what I'm up to. However, I can forgive them the bad website and app as their food plans appear to work - and work well. I'll even be able to keep myself on track while I'm on holiday because of how easy it is and that can only be a good thing (although I will allow myself a waffle with fresh cream and lots of fruit for breakfast on a couple of occasions. 

That's right; I'm off on my hols - I'm sure none of you that read this knew that.. hahahaha.. I did take the time countdown I had on here off, as someone said I shouldn't let the world know when I was away or what I was doing, so if you're general public I'm going away at some point in October, and if you're a friend you can be in no doubt what day I'm going, where I'm going or what I'm up to. I think my little old Mumsicle is worried she may miss me, but what she doesn't know - she never reads this - is that she'll be wishing for some peace and quiet as she will have people popping in all over the place to make sure she's ok.. hahahaha.. She'll be glad when I get back for some quiet time. 

Monday, 22 September 2014

It's been a while

since I last sat down and did myself some typing about my usual rubbish. 

The reason for this is because I've not really had anything to waffle about; life is at a nice, calm stalemate - nobody has upset me, slagged me off or been a twat to me (well there is one but that person isn't worth my time) - and I've just been pootling along on the tide :) Work is also going really well too so it really is all good.

Of course in a couple of weeks things will change - and in a truly amazing way - as I am off on my travels (have I mentioned I'm going away?) :) 

I got the tickets through on Friday and all the final documentation has been confirmed; flights are now half an hour earlier going out so please all keep your fingers crossed for me I don't hit any traffic on the way to airport. I did allow myself over an hour in case of slow traffic but that of course has now been cut down. I am hopeful all will be well and I am starting to get a wee bit excited about it all now :) 

Sadly I never lost the weight I wanted to before I go away - not sure why that's a sad thing when the reason I've not lost it is because I've not stuck to my good eating plans and have allowed junk and coke back into my life - but I won't let that stop me. I'm under the maximum weight to be allowed on the helicopter and that's all that matters :) 

Anyway; that's it for now - told you things are quiet. Just thought I'd better pop something down :) 

Monday, 1 September 2014

Ice Bucket Challenge

or should I call it the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, because the whole thing was started to raise awareness for ALS _ MND as it's also known.  As I am sure you are aware by now someone nominated a friend to tip a bucket of ICED water over their head with a $10 dollar donation being made to the ALS charity fund; refusing to do the challenge they had to donate $100. While the money is a great way to raise funds, the whole idea when it was adopted by the rich and famous was to actually raise awareness to the disease. As someone that has a close friend who has a disease that is rarely shared, talked about, or has a high profile in the same way the big ones do, I think raising awareness is a really important thing. 

and then 

everyday people got in on the act... other charities who are unable to think of their own ways to fund raise started getting people to do the challenge for their charity instead, and I think now you'll find 50% of the people that are pouring water (not even iced water) over themselves haven't actually got a clue why they are doing it. I asked 12 friends that have done it why?. Of those 12 only ONE said it was for ALS. 7 said "because I was nominated" and had no clue that they were meant to be raising awareness for an illness, or that they were meant to be making a donation, while the other 4 told me it was for McMillan cancer nurses (don't even get me started on what I thought of this vile group of individuals before they hijacked this for their own ends; what I think of them now they have hijacked the ice bucket is actually unprintable). That is one charity that will NEVER receive a penny from me. 

This is why I have refused to take part in the challenge, and why I have been advised not to put my feelings on the subject onto fb - can you imagine how long I would get banned this time after my rant about breast cancer the other week?. 

Several people have refused to donate to the ALS charity on the basis it tests on animals - yet I bet they use persil washing powder, loreal products or eat mars bars. In fact a list of companies that still test on animals can be found HERE Kind of negates their argument, and while I believe animal testing in this day and age is unnecessary, without it in the past many of us would now be dead, or would have a lot less family members still walking around. We now have the technology to NOT test on them but in order to refuse to donate, they need to make sure they are not using any of these products. 

But I digress; I came here to explain why I wasn't taking part in the challenge after I was nominated, not to get into a debate on animal testing - I'll get into that at a later date.  Aside from the reasons above, the other reason I have refused to take part is because of this whole culture that is appearing where people are nominated to do something, or told to share something via social media, is tantamount to bullying and any form of bullying needs to be stopped and stamped out.  When did it become acceptable to tell someone they have 24 hours to do as you've told them, or they'll have to pay out money? That's like being back at school and being told you have to take in a cheese sandwich for someone the next day or you're going to get beat up. Do the challenge yourself, explaining why, and then ask "are any of my friends as mad as me?" or something similar; give your friends the option to choose to do it without intimidating them into it. If they choose not to do it, don't keep tagging them with comments like "we're waiting". I've even seen a friend tagged in someone else's status because they hadn't got round to doing it yet. That is disgusting. Posting it on the wall of the person who is refusing is bad enough, but to share their name on your own fb status is beyond reproach. Humiliating someone into it is the same as bullying them into it. In fact don't even ask your friends if they're brave enough. Pour your water and then explain why; that way if your friends think it's a great idea or want to do it they can do it in their own way. I think you'd find far more people would be willing to take part that way; in fact even I would have taken part that way, because it would have been MY choice. 

Thursday, 21 August 2014

I didn't really know

what pride felt like until earlier today, but I can honestly say right now I feel so proud I could burst. I used to hear people say they felt proud of their children, friends or family members, and while I thought I knew what it meant, I never really understood the feeling. Then my number 1 went and got the exam result she needed to go to uni and I suddenly learned what it really means, and I could not be prouder if I tried. It's an odd feeling because I'm just her crazy aunt so I've not really got a reason to feel like I do, but I've been there since day 1 and know what she's been through to get where she is today and that's what makes me proud of her. 

Things people don't know (or aren't aware of) because she's not the kind of girl to whine about how hard her life is (except in endless ranting emails and messages to me) are many. Just to get to the stage where she was able to sit in an exam room has been a battle for her. To me nobody deserves to be where she is right now more than she does. 

The week her Mum died, she didn't just lose her Mum... she lost her sister and brother (they went to live with their Dad).. She lost the family dog (who went with the younger kids).. she lost her tortoise (he died the Saturday after her Mum died on the Monday) and then just 2 days later she lost her home (her step-dad is the spawn of the devil and deserves to suffer a long, painful life) when she was evicted; this was her family home and she was cast out onto the streets. This would have been enough to break many people, but she took it in her stride.

Then the only family she had left (her uncle and his he/she wife thing) walked away from her and left her to deal with everything. Not only did she have to deal with the fallout from her Mum's husband things family, from the friends of her Mums that weren't really friends, she also had to deal with it on her own. Yes I was there and her Mums best friends were there, but at the end of the day we couldn't take away what she was dealing with; we could only be there for her when she needed to rant, shout, or cry (something she doesn't do a lot as she has a black stone heart :) ) 

She ALONE, had to organise her Mums funeral; she ALONE had to PAY for her Mum's funeral (us lot did chip in what we could afford). Her own family NEVER gave her a penny towards any of it. Her own family saw her homeless and NEVER offered to put a roof over her head. Her own family shit on her from a great height. Not only did she have to pay for her Mum's funeral, she was also left with the remaining money to be paid from her Nan's funeral who had died just a year before. Everyone else continued on with their lives and NEVER once bothered to ask her if she was ok. Not only was she dealing with all of the stress and strain of multiple deaths, losses and bills that she couldn't afford, she was also very poorly herself and was dealing with her own life threatening illness. 

6 months after her Mum died she herself went into hospital for what should have been a routine operation - something went wrong and she came as close to death as anyone can come without crossing over to the other side. Did her family bother to go and visit her? NO. Did her family bother to send her a get well card? NO. Did her family even bother to text to see how she was? NO. You can bet your arse though if she had died they would have crawled out of the woodwork (AFTER everyone else would have paid for her funeral) to declare how much they loved and missed her. Thankfully it didn't come to that, but the very people that had caused her so much stress when she needed their help, couldn't even be bothered to make sure she was ok when she almost died. 

She came out of hospital a very poorly young lady, but she was determined she wasn't going to let her illness hold her back and she wasn't going to let having no money stop her from following her dreams. For 2 years (that's TWO) years she has worked 18 hour days, 7 days a week, while trying to fit in her studies as she wanted to become a nurse so badly. IF someone in her family had bothered to help her with money she could have taken a day off now and then; she could have spent some time with her brother and sister, but if work was offered she often had to let the kids down (sadly they didn't have their own money so she could take them out and spend time with them at their expense), and go to work - not something she wanted to do, and sadly this is often thrown back in her face in a nasty way because people have NEVER bothered to take the time to find out what she is having to deal with - everyone else is too selfish to even consider she may have a good reason to let people down, and that having to do so may break her heart very often. NOBODY else was going to pay off what was left of the funeral bills. Nobody else was going to help her find the money to live. Her and her fiance often just eat toast and butter for days on end, because they can afford nothing else, and STILL people treat her like she's the worst sister, person, friend or cousin in the world. It makes me so ANGRY I can't put into words, just how much - especially when grown men are giving her abuse. Grown men that should be helping her and trying to make sure she is ok, and yet there they are hiding behind their computers or their phones, giving her abuse about what a bad person she is. She's had to deal with all of this, and yet she was always determined she was going to become a nurse if it killed her (it almost has).

She will now go to uni, but she will still have to work night shifts 4 or 5 days a week just to find enough money to cover her bills and her tuition fees - she's struggled for 2 years and has another 3 to go but she WILL do it because it's what she has worked so hard for; a nurse is who she wants to be. I only hope one day those that have accused her of being a let down, or of not being a better person, NEVER have to go through half of what she's had to go through and deal with. Anyone that dares to tell me she's not a truly amazing person is not someone worthy of my time. She's dealt with all of this.. and today she got the grades she needs to go to uni. That's why I'm proud of her; that's how I know what true pride feels like. I'm so happy for her after all she's been through I could actually cry. Nobody deserves this more than she does. 

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

A bit of repetition

but not at the same time. You see I got asked again today if I could go back in time and change anything, although this time it was worded as "If you could go back and give your pre-teen self any advice, would you?" Not really the usual "would you change anything?" question, but both mean the same thing., and whenever I've been asked in the past I have always replied with a big fat NO; except this time. 

Normally I say No because I always believed it was the things that have happened to me that have made me the person I am today; they've shaped what I've done and who I am, but I now know that's not such a good thing because who I am is someone that's pretty miserable. Don't get me wrong; I'm not always miserable and sure do know how to have a laugh, but if I'm totally honest I've not been happy for years and the reason I've not been happy, is because of what I've gone through, the choices I've made, and the things out of my control that have happened. I used to say No because it meant if I went back and changed things, then some of the people in my life wouldn't now be in it, and it would be a pretty empty life without the kids, so how could I say I would want to change meeting their uncle (who is the biggest wanker I've ever encountered in my life and who I would gladly erase) when that would mean I would be erasing them from my life (and yes I am aware if I didn't know about them to begin with then I wouldn't know how it would feel to miss them). Then I realised that might not be so; they might still have come into my life, but via a different avenue - this then got me thinking about the age old "path of life" scenario and which path we choose is up to us, but where we end up will always be the same point (as will our start point).

I never really believed that before, but being at work on my own, and with it being so quiet, I've had time to mull things over, and the people that say about the path, may be onto something; they may actually have a valid point. So, what would I tell my pre-teen self if I could go back and speak to her (and if she would pay any attention to what she was being told)?

Firstly I'd tell her to quit the ciggies (yes I was smoking before I was a teenager, although I didn't really become a full on smoker until I was about 14). If I knew then just how much money I was going to waste, and what a hold on me they would have for the next 27 years of my life, I would do all I could to talk myself out of them. I'd also try to talk my Dad into giving up in the hope it might mean he wouldn't end up with lung cancer and die at such a young age, although I know full well that was just his day to die (that was his end point) but maybe he could have been a non-smoker when his time came, so he would have had more money to enjoy himself before it was his time to go. 

I digress; this is about me and what I would tell my younger self. A big one would be to NEVER lend someone money unless I know I will get it back - or offer to pay for something upfront expecting that person to pay me back. IF it comes to going on holiday with someone else, either make them pay first and pay them back, or take their money off them before going away. Ok, that might mean I don't get to see Take That in wales, or I miss out on visiting somewhere I've not been before, but if it's a toss up between that and worrying every single week about how I am going to pay the next bill that comes in, then so be it. So many times others have said "yeah I'd love to but don't have the money right now, can you shout me and I'll pay you back later" or they'll say "you pay for the holiday and travel, and I'll pay food, tolls and the odds and sods" only for them to never pay, or to get to the place we're going and have no money on them to pay for food, tolls and the odds and sods. There are exceptions to the rule (only one female) but as for the rest; don't go down that road. True friends will pay their half at the same time and will ensure they have enough money to pay for themselves while away. 

Also be careful when paying for other things (tickets etc). While it may seem a good idea to pay for the tickets and allow the other person to pay you back with dinner, in reality this will rarely happen. When it comes to dinner you will pay your half (sometimes more if a note needs to be broken - just the other week a bill came to £21; the other person only had a £20 note so I handed over £15 as I didn't have change for the extra, and I NEVER got my £4.50 change back from said friend, so I paid £15, they paid £6. Not really splitting the bill is it?) and will then not get back their half of the ticket price. 

NEVER pay someone a share of fuel for something unless they have done something for you, as you will inevitably end up paying way more. £15 to do a 12 mile round trip is a piss take (even more so if you have just paid for everything on a recent trip with that person). £20 fuel charge to someone else to drive, when your own car could do the same journey for a tenner, is a piss take; even more so when you have never been offered anything towards fuel if you are driving. Do NOT let people treat you like their bank. 

Now the biggie, and this one will serve you well. When faced with 2 males that are vying for your affection, do NOT choose the one that makes your heart soar. Choose the one that you really like, who makes you smile, who makes you feel good about yourself, and who treats you well. The whole "treat them mean, keep them keen" theory is bullshit, dreamed up by men that want to play the field. In fact I would tell myself to never treat Karl bad; to be aware of how much he thinks of me and how kind he is to me. I'd tell myself he will treat me well and will look after me; no matter what happens he will never judge or treat me with anything other than respect. I would tell me that he will love me, care for me and look out for me. Just because he may not be the fun guy, the bad boy, the rogue, doesn't mean he's not the right one. Disregard him when you're younger and you'll realise when you're older that he actually has all the qualities that matter. He'll even prove years later what a nice guy he is, by turning up at the hospital the day after your Dad has a heart attack, to make sure you're ok and to see if you need anything. 6 years after you push him aside and think the grass is greener (before realising too late it's not) and he will still be there for you when you need him. I'd tell myself to never push him away. 

Oddly he also works with my Numbers 1's Dad, so there is every chance I could have still had the kids in my life, but via him and a good life, instead of their wanker uncle and a shit life - see how that whole path thing works? I had the choice of a left or right path, both of which could have bought the kids into my life, one of which would have caused far less heartache. However, that's not to say things would have worked out; he possibly would have upped and left me anyway (in fact at some point he would have to or he now wouldn't have his 2 girls, and they would have always been planned for him) but I would still tell my pre-teen me to treat him better and stick with him. Who knows if I would have then wandered off down the hard life path, but at that point I was definitely on the good one. 

Another big one. Put your foot down when it comes to a base for the business. Do NOT let anyone tell you that the first place you're going to look at is a good idea; put your foot down and say no (and mean No). Also when he tells you he has offered someone a job to work alongside you, tell him to get stuffed - she is not right and never will be. Not only will it cost you a lot of money (an amount you will NEVER be able to pay back no matter how many hours you work).

Ooh; a really important one. Do NOT go on the pill - no matter how many doctors tell you that it will help with the hormone issues. Ignore them; the hormones will sort themselves, but all the pill will serve to do is put on weight, and as you are someone that only needs to look at a biscuit to put on a pound, then the pill will take you into obesity and beyond. Once you are in the obesity outer realms, it will be hard to pull yourself back. You must always watch what you eat and do not ever drink coca cola. It will be the worst of all addictions. Not only will the pill piss about with your weight (you'll put on 5 stone in 3 months) but it will make you the most evil of all evils, and even long after you have stopped taking it those little things that didn't wind you up before you went on it and messed around with what your body wanted to do naturally, you will still be suffering from the violent feelings. You won't always act on them, but the way they make you feel inside is not good. To feel so much anger and rage is a bad thing and will only serve to make you more miserable than you are. Obviously as you get older you will find you become less tolerant; when you get to that stage, don't bite your tongue to spare others feelings (they won't give a shit about sparing yours). Just say what you think and be done with it. 

This is what I would tell my young self. These are the things that I feel are the most important and the ones that have shaped me into the woman I am. So YES; if I could go back in time I would change things. I would tell myself things that would alter the course of my life, and the path I would take. That path could actually turn out to be worse than the one I have spent the past 22 years on (that's something I'll never know) and I'm not here to look back; life is all about what's in front of us. The thing now is to make sure when I reach a branch in the road again, I choose the right one.  I learn from my past experiences, to look at who I am, and who I could have been had I chosen more wisely, and to move on from them. 

The only person that can alter the course of our lives is ourselves; we have nobody to blame for how they turn out but ourselves, so from this day forward I plan on making the most of each and every opportunity. 






Friday, 15 August 2014

FUMING

right now. In fact I'm angrier than fuming and if the person that has made me so angry has any balls they'll either front me face to face, or they'll walk away from me and NEVER have anything to do with me again.

What am I talking about? Some sad fuck on my fb that found a status I posted offensive, and as a result has got me banned for 48 hours. Whoever has reported me needs to take a long hard look at themselves as they are someone I consider a friend (I can't believe fb won't tell me who has reported me). Even more so I can't believe fb have banned me, when they won't ban groups that call for all Staffies to be killed; when they were happy to leave a game that centred around people blowing up people in Gaza, or when they allow pedophile groups to operate, and yet they ban me because I have an opinion; not even an opinion as such. I was stating my feelings.

As with all things I have a copy of what I posted (I keep copies of EVERYTHING because you just never know when some 2 faced arsehole may want to stir up trouble) and I shall share it with you when I tell you why I posted it in the first place. 

By 9 this morning I had received 27 pm's to my inbox since I logged of fb last night at 11, to tell me as a female I should show my support to other females and post a pink heart on my fb status to show I care about breast cancer research; it was basically along the lines of saying if I didn't share it then I was being untrue to all women that have to fight this awful disease, and that I was the scum of the earth if I didn't put the heart. Now as much as I am in full support of any way of raising awareness of this killer disease (I lost a really good friend to breast cancer so it's one that is close to me) I get really pissed of at A) being told what I should or shouldn't do ( in life as well on fb) and B) that it's always breast cancer that gets the biggest following and every female seems to think I should be sharing for that and giving my money to breast cancer research, but it was the assumption I am scum and don't care about people if I didn't share it that really PISSED ME OFF (I only use caps when I'm really angry). In fact I find the way it's worded is very akin to Jehovah Witnesses that think it's ok to knock on my door and tell me I will be damned for all eternity if I don't choose to follow their religion, and I won't be told by anyone that I'm not a good person just because I won't do what they want me to do. 

This is what I put as my status.. this is what I was banned for.. 


Goodness... ladies please... my inbox is being flooded with requests for a pink heart to be put as my status for breast cancer research, and while I am all for promoting any kind of research into cancer, I will admit it pisses me off a bit that things are only ever shared for the 1 type.. 


Today is my best friends birthday; she died of Cervical Cancer.. why are we never asked to put a blue heart for that research? or a grey one for people suffering from brain tumours/cancer? or a yellow one for lung cancer research (that one took my Dad) or any of the other cancers that have taken my friends and family? 

I support research into each and every cancer (and make regular financial donations to several) along with other incurable diseases... just because I'm not putting a heart as my status (partly because I don't know how to) doesn't mean I'm not supporting this (and many other) needy causes..

If you are the person that took offence at this and reported me, how about you grow a pair (of boobs or balls depending on your gender) and speak to me about it?  If you are the coward that you appear to be, then when I am allowed back to my fb account I suggest you are not there.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Time to get

really tough with myself - I have to stick to the (I hate the word diet and healthy eating plan suggests lots of boring lettuce and tomatoes) fat busting, weight losing, shrinking Sarah plan - that's the one. I have to stick to the Shrinking Sarah Plan (finally a name for it). Not because someone's told me to, or because I'm worried about how other people view me (if they don't like it they don't have to look) but because I have bought some new clothes for the road trip and I got them not one, but 2 sizes smaller. A risky move I know considering I only have 7 weeks and 5 days until I go, but also a move I know I am capable of (without starving myself) if I just stick to the plan. I don't know why I constantly get myself back into my bad habits (well I do but they're not reasons I'm not prepared to share with anyone). Another thing I know I will have to do if I am to fit into the clothes (I will fit into them) is to exercise and that is something that I really need to embrace. I have many, many different exercise aids (equipment, dvd's and my wii) so there is no excuse for me not to. The only person stopping me is me, but let's face it; read back through my blogs and you'll see how many times before I've been positive I can (and will) do it and yet here I am, yet again telling myself (and anyone reading) that I'm going to do it this time. Mind you, it does feel different this time, and look at how many times I said I was giving up smoking but never did, until that September day in 2011 when I finally made the decision and stuck to it (the same with not biting my nails a few months before the cigarettes). I've proved if I really put my mind to something then I can easily achieve it. This will not beat me. 

Talking of being beaten, I am adding this (it won't beat me) philosophy to all aspects of my life. I took a really long hard look at myself, how I behave, how I let people treat me, how I react to things and how certain things and people make me feel, and I made a decision with regards to that (and them) too. I've spent too long letting other peoples negativity bring me down; too long letting people dictate what I should be doing with my life. I've had *friends* (yes I am now using the term loosely) tell me what to wear. I'm a long skirt, baggy t-shirt kind of girl, or leggings and long jumpers in the winter. That's just me; I've always been that way, always felt comfy that way, and will always be that person. I like boots on my feet, trainers or shoes with thick soles. If I'm going out then yes I like a nice pair of shoes, but I don't see the point in doing damage to my feet with shoes that are not comfy to walk in, just because it's expected or is fashionable, or a designer label. One friend told me I should wear jeans; honestly jeans on my body are so not right. I'm too short and too round; they either end up hanging down so far I tread on them, or the waist band is constantly slipping where to get them to fit round my fat arse and thighs, they are too big around my middle. Jeans just don't work, but she argued and argued with me so much I wasted money on some to shut her up, only to be told when I saw her next "ooh; you're not really built for jeans are you?". Another kept on about my hair (it's fine, there's not a lot of it and it doesn't matter who cuts it, how it's cut or what products I use, it will always do exactly what it wants - I've spent an hour before getting it to look just right, to find 5 minutes later it's gone back to how it wants). The friend said "you've not changed your hairstyle since you were a kid".  Umm that's because I can't.  Short it looks messy and constantly looks as though my fringe is greasy, even if I've only just washed it; long it goes wispy on the ends no matter how many times I have it trimmed, and once it gets shoulder length there's no point attempting to grow it any longer. Again the fringe does it's own thing and the rest just looks a mess. I've often toyed with the idea of just having it all shaved off, but with my fat face it would look even worse (not that it really could look worse). That's who I am; I accept me for that, so why can't they? And that is the 6 million dollar question isn't it? I can only assume they are so insecure in themselves that they then project those insecurities on to others that are sensitive to such things (me in this instance) and by dictating to someone else they make themselves feel better about themselves and their own lives. I will no longer stand for this and take it from them.

Other's that have pissed me off just this week will find themselves receiving the non-friendly Sarah in the future when we meet up. I have a *friend* that currently owes me some money (actually I have several that do) but this one knows just how dire my situation is (to the friend that might be reading this that has recently been decorating you are NOT on this list and NEVER will be; you and I have an agreement and I don't want you to ever think I am talking about you here; I most definitely am NOT) and yet this one is forever sharing things on FB (sometimes I really hate FB) of places they have been, and things they've been doing - things that all cost money, and yet they claim to have none and have made absolutely NO effort to attempt to pay me back. This is the same friend that I asked a favour from just weeks after I had done them a massive favour, at an even more massive expense to myself, who then charged me money for doing me the favour. I really must have had "feckin idiot" tattooed on my forehead; well not any more. I have learned my lesson and I refuse to let people treat me that way from now on. They can all kiss my arse.

Several of them are friends on my FB (the fallout if I was to delete them would ripple out to others that have nothing to do with any of the issues I have, and who I respect enough not to want them to get caught up in it all) so to rectify not being able to delete, I have stopped myself from receiving any of their updates, and I no longer share mine with them. That way they don't get to see what I'm up to and how happy I am (and this week I really am finally happy and in a really great place) and I don't get to see all their nastiness and bitchiness, and I don't have to watch them worm their way into other peoples lives (people that are weak and vulnerable) that they can then try and dictate too. Warning the people would be pointless and just end up making me look like the bad guy until they finally saw what I wold be telling them. Several of these people have tried sending me messages this week trying to stir up shit about others and they have all been told the same "I really don't care and don't want to get involved". And I mean that. From now on it's all about me and the people I love and respect; I don't give a shit what anyone else is getting up to, or what lies (bullshit) they are trying to spread. 

I am feeling bloody marvellous.