Thursday, 20 October 2016

Life, Death and everything in between

I've been doing some thinking recently - never a good thing for my poor little one brain cell - about life, or should I say "death" to be more precise. Not sure why as there are no anniversaries this month of people passing from my life, and as far as I'm aware I don't have any life threatening illness, but it's been there, at hthe forefront of my mind.

Maybe it's my age although I plan on being on this planet for at least another 50 years so can't understand why I would be thinking about it so much right now. I'm not feeling sad, depressed or any other manner of thing that could suggest my thinking about it. In fact I'm quite the opposite right now.  I believe only good things are happening, going to happen. I thought earlier how unlike me that is until I realised it's not at all. I'd always believed myself to be a pessimist yet how can someone who believes things will always work out how I want them too, be pessimistic? That doesn't make sense (then again, neither do I most of the time :) ) I never go into something thinking "this won't work". I always believe it will not only work but be far better than even I could consider it being. Every time I buy a lotto ticket I convince myself it's because I'm going to win. When I started this blog it was because I thought people would be interested (ooh, does that mean I'm a narcissist rather than an optimist? well now, that's a whole other blog entry!!) I try to always see the best in people even when I know there's not actually anything good about them. I think that's why so many 'friends' (loosely used term these days) have treated me the way they have, because no matter how shitty they may be, I always try to justify that they have some nice parts to them and I can always find a positive from all shitty friendships/relationships whether that be getting to meet someone else from it (I'd never have the kids in my life if Id not met their uncle - he screwed me over big time and is most definitely the epitome of the "C" word, and not in a friendly way yet because of him I have 4 amazing kids in my life now). Even the nasty, vile, piece of shit I fell out with a couple of years ago had his 'nice' moments. During those (which admittedly were very few and far between) he made me laugh and laughter is never a bad thing. So you see, things are not all bad. The fundraising page I set up asking strangers to pay for me to have a holiday is another recent example of my optimism. I truly believe there are people out there who will make a donation. I've been honest and upfront about what I want the money for, they know it wont be used for anything else, and I think there are people out there who will understand the passion I have and want to help me achieve that dream. Just because nobody has come across it yet - the company won't make it live until it has at least £100 donated from other sources - I know that if I keep sharing it someone reading this, or the other blog I have set up dedicated to raising the money will make that first donation. From there it's all going to be plain sailing (although I'll be flying out to the states, not sure I could spend that much time on a boat and it would also mean I get to spend less time exploring if I was to spend 4 days crossing the Atlantic ;) )

With all of this going on in my life right now (I have several other projects on the go also) you'd think death and dying would be the last thing to occupy my thoughts, yet it's there, every day, yelling at me to pay attention.  Last night while chatting to Mum I realised I am now the age she was when Dad had his heart-attack. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have been for her. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I had a 21 and 12 year old at home when I took a call telling my my husband of 26 years was at a hospital in Leicester not expected to make it through the next hour. To me back then she was older, wiser, in control and able to cope. Now at that same age I can imagine how terrified she must have been. How young she must have felt, how alone with so much responsibility placed on her shoulders by myself and my brother, because at that point in our lives we needed our Mum more than I think we ever had. I feel so young for my age how she was mentally able to compartmentalise and get through it all is beyond me. I guess you do what you have to do. I've dealt with stuff that I've not been mentally ready to deal with but just got on with it so I should think that was the same for her, but she was so very young - as was my Dad being only a year older than her. How did he cope at such a young age knowing his life was about to end? Knowing his wife was too young to be a widow, his kids way too young to fatherless! I find the whole thing sad yet fascinating. I think about how I would feel if I knew I had such a little time left - let's face it I haven't go a clue how long I have, I just tell myself I'll be here until I'm 96 but for all I know it could end tomorrow and I guess that's what's got me thinking about it so much. I still have so many things I want to do in my life that I don't want it to end tomorrow. That's why I have no shame in setting up the funding page. I'll be dead a really long time, I want to make sure I can enjoy every day that I am here, on this planet we call earth, living a life rather than just existing with one. I have faith I'll keep going until 96, I strongly believe it, but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I have to have a small amount of doubt or I'd keep putting doing everything until later, and as I have learned in this life, later is never guaranteed so I'm trying to take the bull by the horns and get on living this life right now. All I need to make it perfect (other than the money to pay for things, or course) is to find a few more hours in the day to get it all done - although some of that is down to my own bad time management). 

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

All change

I had a little change with this blog - those of you who visit often will probably have noticed, those of you who are passing by on your first visit (RUN.. quickly.. run away NOW.. save yourselves). The reasoning behind it is because I have started another one elsewhere and the template they gave me for it is quite calming and made me feel all mellow. I came back to this one, saw how stunning the photo was as a background (I took and it's of the cove so it's going to be stunning) but realised just how dark it was. I'm not in a dark place any more, so I figured this should reflect me (or there's not much point) which is why it's not all calm, pretty and mellow - all the things I dream of being one day :) 

My other blog isn't anywhere near as interesting as this one, so you can imagine just how boring it is, but it gives me something to do; stops me playing Candy Crush which can never be a bad thing. I've also not been on facebook since Monday - technically that's not true as I got notification someone had replied to a comment I made the other day so I did read that which is being on there, yet not at the same time for I've not posted any crap on my own and haven't really bothered going through anyone else's either. Everyone seems to have got rather boring. I also don't have a lot of friends anymore which could also account for why there isn't much going on :) 

I found a section earlier when I was fiddling about trying to learn how to write an html code that will allow me to set up "members only" areas for which I could charge people to access - if only I had something of interest that I could offer.. hahaha.. I did think it might work for Jase's site that I set him up for he could allow paying members access to certain photo's but he's never bothered to do a thing with it since I spent a week sorting it (and all the social media bits too) for him. I know he's not done anything too, not just because I check to see if he's posted anything, because I also logged on and changed all the passwords. I wanted to see whether he appreciated all my hard work and was going to utilise the bits I'd done for him to promote his photography. I am aware he has a lot going on his personal at the moment, yet when I set them all up he never had a thing aside from work and as he's still able to go out and about to play I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to take 10 minutes out to get on top of things - he could actually make some money from it if he just put in a bit of effort. I guess at the end of the day he's like most people. Love the idea of making money, can't be arsed to put in the effort. If only I could get paid for the amount of effort I put in - not just to his, this one and my other one also. I just don't have anything to offer for paid membership - sadly. (I did manage to sort the hmtl code out I was looking for too,  in case you're wondering if I was able to achieve what I set out to do). Maybe I could just set up a forum on here that people have to pay to access? What would it be for though? Also something like that needs permanent admins to keep a check on things and I don't have the time. Dammit; I'd do pretty much anything right now to be earning some extra pennies. Why do I not have a genius idea to make some? When I say pretty much anything, there are of course some things I would not be willing to do. 

On the subject of making money, recently I've seen some pretty random worthless things selling on ebay for astronomically crazy prices, so I'm chancing my arm with me original iPod. If any of you fancy sharing it to see if we can get a mad price bid going on it please feel free to do so. You'll find it listed HERE. It's got plenty of people watching, nobody bidding. Help this middle-aged woman out, let's share it to the world :) 

Is time flying by this week for anyone else, or just me? Not just this week really, in general? I feel as though I get to work, put the front out and before I know what's happening have to bring it back in again. I remember being told when I was young to make the most of it as times flies when you get older. I thought the person telling me such things was crazy, until I got older (you all thought I was going to say 'old'then, didn't you?) I try so hard to make each day count (fail miserably most of the time). I have so many projects on the go right now I keep promising myself I will get finished - they're not getting even close to being so. I have no clue where the time is going to. It scares me a little as it's my life disappearing away. I don't want to become a pile of ash too soon. Hopefully that won't happen for at least another 50 years which means I get to life this current life over again with a few more years as a bonus. Of course it will never be like it was, but that doesn't' mean it can't be better. I am sure as I near the end a lot will be different; that doesn't necessarily mean it will be bad. I've found a new optimism with regards to life recently, I feel really positive about what is still to come for me. Don't get me wrong, I know there is going to be bad, a lot of bad probable, but my goodness there is going to be some amazingly great stuff too. Just you watch this space (damn these happy pills are good!! ) :) 

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Fuzzy hair and fund raising

This menopause lark just continues to give. By give I am being sarcastic, of course, because it's a bloody pain in the arse (back, legs, head and all other parts in between too). Right now though the thinning hair is really pissing me off and is quite possibly the hardest of all symptoms to deal with, for I have fine, limp, lank and shapeless hair on a good day. I've all the lotions you can think of (most of which just make it more greasy and lank looking than usual - it's not a good look). I considered cutting it all off, but my whole life I've wanted long hair, it's taken me 2 year this time to get it to this minimal length and I am not ready to give up on that just yet (plus short fine hair looks like I have less than a longer length). This has left me with just one option, something I would not have considered had I not given all other options a try. Something that belongs back in the 20th century, yet I've bitten the bullet and gone for it. Today, I had a perm :) My hair still looks fine but thicker than  it looked beforehand. I doubt very much I'm going to leave it curly for normal every day events (being seen out in public other words). I shall straighten it. I know that seems a bit double-dutch and daft; have it permed just to straighten it, but the perm has thickened it out more, so therefore when I do straighten it won't look quite as fine and sad looking as it did. Had I not had to have several inches cut from the length (to ensure it wasn't too fuzzy - we failed, it's so fine on the ends it's still fuzzy) I might have considered leaving it curly.. hahaha.. as if... 

Check out the red cheeks.. bloody menopause
Now, the fundraising. I could tell you it's for a great and worthwhile charity that's going to help lots of people, but that would be a lie and if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that it's not worth telling a lie. No, this fundraising is purely for me :) I remember being told many times that if you "don't ask you don't get" so I've set about asking. Completely random strangers will at some point come across me (my fund raising page) and they may be a really kind person with a £5 or $10. I know they could put it to good use, but how many will? How many people last night bought an extra pint even though they'd had enough already. How many ordered extra food knowing they wouldn't eat it? There are over 7 billion people in this world. If less than 0.00002% of them donated just £10 I'd have more than enough to head off back to the states. That's less than a couple of pints in a pub, the extra sides with your pizza delivery you don't really want. I can't tell you how desperately I want to go back there, but I just don't earn enough to pay for myself. Why should someone else pay for me? Because they're kind, because they know I'll appreciate it for the rest of my life. Just think; if 0.0002% (a few ore person than needed - theres a 0 missing) of people gave £10 I could fly first class.. I literally have no shame any more :) 

I know some people reading this will be shocked I've done such a thing (it really is not like me as I am always the one who ends up paying for things). Others will think what a great idea and wish me the best. There will be others who are disgusted at me - several "friends" who already know have voiced their disapproval, but do you know what? I don't give a shit. Anyone that knows me who thinks so lowly of me is not worthy of my time and are obviously not a friend to begin with. Strangers who think bad of me mean nothing to begin with so certainly won't affect me going about my daily life. What makes me laugh is one person who has voiced disapproval not so long ago donated £300 to a film maker to produce an independent movie. They thought nothing of giving their money away to someone they didn't know, knowing the person would reap the rewards and monetary benefit that could come from endorsements for the film, yet they think I am out of order wanting a few quid to go on a trip for which I will have amazing memories, wonderful photo's but will make no future money from. 

This time, I will raise the funds one way or another (not sure selling my body is such a good thing though unless I sell it by the pound as I am unable to give it away these days; I am going to have a clear out of things under my bed, sell them and add the funds to the pot. I know there's a car stereo under there worth a couple of hundred, plus stuff in the loft; its sat there doing nothing when it could be making money on eBay for me) I won't be going alone. I want to be able to spend time at the places I visit, experience them, learn what I can from them, rather than sitting on a coach for 9/10 hours a day looking out of a window, passing by places I wish I could stop at but can't as the route isn't down to me. I have places picked out that I can spend time at, learn about, enjoy, experience. Sadly my friend pool is extremely limited these days (between weedling out the nasty ones and others dying it's dwindled somewhat) so I can only really travel with Jase (he's the only person who would be willing to come with me so really he is my friend pool), but he'll never be able to come up with his own funds, so it's not just me I need to raise the money for. I need to be able to pay his share too. Number 2 last week expressed an interest also though in all honesty if I can raise the funds, she's available to and Jase hasn't raised anything himself then I may well have to drop him, taking her with me instead. That means I'll have to do the driving but it's only fair if he's not made any effort - currently he's leaving everything to me and after spending hours setting him up with social media outlets to display his photo's that he could sell and not using a single one then I'm not really sure I should be doing anything to help him have a holiday, although as said he's the only person I have that I can ask, who would be willing to spend 3 weeks with me.. I have managed to save £350 myself in the past year so I'm not expecting others to pay it all for me. 

I reckon if the people who still owe me money decided to finally be decent and pay me back I'd be halfway there. The one's who said "I don't have it right now, can I pay you when I get paid the end of the month?". The other's who let you pay the deposit on a trip to then decide they can't go - yet fail to pay back their share which is lost to the travel agent (their small print is awful). The one's who promise to pay you back by a date, yet you never see a penny. Those who you're out with that suddenly don't have any money on them so you end up paying. The journeys you've done where you've paid the fuel, entrance fee and bought the lunches because the "friend" had an emergency bill to pay. The people who've been desperately in need for the deposit on their new home but don't have enough to get it to the estate agent in time so they ask to borrow - never pay it back. The one person whose kids needed new shoes so when they get a puncture or break down they come to me for help, get it, NEVER pay it back. If all of those people did the decent thing what a great start to my fund raising it would be :) Mind you I'd rather anyone who donates does so anonymously (I don't need to feel indebted if it's a friend who's helped me) so I'd not know if it was those people paying me back or not; I'd like to think maybe it is though - I still like to try and see the good in everyone, even those I know really don't have a nice bone in their body. 

For it to go live on the fundraising site I have to raise £100 through the site itself.. once there it's really down to the kindness of strangers.. I'm hoping before then some other people come across this, think I'm worth a small amount of their pennies and help me get on the way :) 

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Family, Friends and a spiritual home

Don't worry, I'm not going all peaced out and loving on you with mention of my spiritual home - ok, well maybe I am; just a little bit :) 

Months ago the Ugly ones (not that any of them are really ugly) let us all know they were coming back to this side of the pond and would be playing just down the road from home. Straight away I got in contact with the nutty one to let her know and to see what she wanted to do about going. She's not been well this year and has hardly been out (well, with me that is, turns out that she has in fact moved on to another set of friends and is going out and about - she just chose to tell me she's not up for it, or in fact forget to ask me). Anyhow, that's another story. I commandeered us both a ticket each and said if she didn't think she would be up for it to let me know and I'd ask my number 2, to see if she fancied tagging along (at 17 I figured she might fancy doing something a bit different). As I said the Nutty one and I haven't seen each other much. I've offered to get takeaways and go spend an evening with her, asked if she wanted to go to the beach for some fresh air, told her to let me know when she's feeling up for a day/night out, and heard nothing - hence why I was so upset (nay, pissed off) when she was a lulworth castle the other week and came out with some crap about thinking I was busy - it would still have been nice for her to ask if I was going. I let it slide though as I kind of knew she was going to do it to me, so it didn't really surprise me that much to see her there. She tried to tell me stuff over whatsapp the next day about how she got crossed wires and stuff, but I didn't bother to read it. At that point she proved herself to not be the person I thought she was, to not be the friend I had believed her to be and I planned on doing the whole ugly kid experience with her then moving on. When she never replied to any of my messages regarding the ugly night (sent via text and messenger - I'd deleted WhatsApp as she was the only person who ever sent me messages using it) I decided she was obviously not well enough to go so asked my number 2, who was well up for it. I can't even tell you how disappointed I was to arrive at the gig on Sunday night to meet up with a mutual friend who had a bit of a go at me for being so mean and nasty to the nutty one and told me I needed to go inside and apologise to her for being so - she had arrived with one of her other friends after all (not the friend who messaged me a few months back to also accuse me of being a bad friend) apparently her Mum and sister sorted her out with a VIP pass; it would have been nice for her to tell me beforehand for had I not bit the bullet and invited my number 2 at the last minute I would have ended up going it alone - a bit mean and naughty also when she knew I had her sorted). Had I been a different kind of person I would have kicked off, but I know it's what she does to people. Keep them close all the time they have a use then move on. Still, it wasn't all bad. I had some good days/nights out with her where laughter was had and new contacts were made. Had it not been for hanging out with her I would not have the ugly ones in my life and wouldn't have experienced some pretty great evenings thanks to them. This is why it wasn't worth me kicking off, why I won't kick off at her, but why I will just walk away and leave her to it. I know whenever they are in town she will be there, and I will always be polite and will be genuinely interested in her health and how she's doing (it's just how I was bought up) but she's killed any hope of us being the good friends I always believed us to be. You do not treat friends the way she has been with me this year.

Right, enough of all that. I wasn't even planning on sharing any of that. I guess it's upset me more than I thought it had.  So, back to Sunday. I picked the number 2 up at just after 10 and in the week had given her free reign of where we could go for the day. She chose Weymouth (a girl after my own heart that one). Driving along the seafront when we got there it was really busy and there wasn't a parking space to be seen. I told her not to worry, I was always able to find a space in this one spot by the fair (well, I think it's called a fair area because it has a couple of kiddy rides). There were many cars in front of us slowing down on the way looking at what could have been parking spaces so I thought if there was a space further down it would have been gone and was already planning on going into town when there it was; on the bend, outside the fair, the space I always seem to be able to park in. It's never failed me yet :) 

We got out the car and made the skyline viewing thingy they have our first port of call. I've been there twice in the last year promising myself I would go up it but never having the time before. It's only open from 11 - 3 (which seems crazy to me but I'm sure they've worked out when they take their money and when they don't). As we got to it there was just 1 person in it, so it looked good for us to have the same thing. Sadly that was not to be and we ended up surrounded by people with kids (one of whom didn't stop screaming the whole time, although I did feel sorry for him as I think he was genuinely terrified). On such a beautiful day we were afforded a glorious vista to see for miles from it, so it was worth putting up with the kids - although they could have cleaned the windows a bit, as it did ruin most of the photo's we took having to do so through grubby windows.

After leaving there we headed into town so I could purchase a jumper or something as it was bloody freezing - by the time I had purchased a warming garment it had heated up and said garment is still in the bag the shop worker put it in when I purchased it. I shall take it out and wear it at some date in the future, I am sure of that. From there we headed to the seafront cafe for a spot of brunch. It's really not the best food to be had, but the queue for the chippy was about 30 deep and we didn't really have the time to waste. 

We mooched around Weymouth for a bit, but before heading back we got ourselves a ride on the merry-go-round. I have not been on one of those since my number 1 was a kid. I think number 2 thought I was going to back out (she really didn't want to go on it) but I bought us a token each and we hopped on that spinney up-and-downy thing. I asked the guy working it beforehand if they had a weight limit - he just stared at me blankly.. hahahaha. I didn't realise quite how fast they go; that thing whizzed round like crazy, Number 2 started to video me but ended up just taking shots of the floor where she couldn't stop laughing. For someone who was so adamant she didn't want to ride on it, she sure did a good job of enjoying herself. :) We also grabbed ourselves some candy floss that we chomped on while sitting on the sand (it's ok. I made allowances for the food that day and still managed to lose 2lb).

Leaving Weymouth behind we headed to the hill up at Bowleaze Cove as it's a good spot to take photo's of where we had just been (it would appear number 2 is a budding photographer so she would be excellent to take road-tripping with me when I go to the US. Ooh, in case you didn't know I have set up a crowdfunding page to help raise funds for the road trip - I know, I really do have no shame left any more :) :) ) You can find it here if you want to share a pound or 10 - please do as they won't let it go live on their site until I've raised $100 via them :) When we got to the hill there parking was non-existent. I mentioned to number 2 that again I never normally have a problem and have always been able to park right by the cafe every single time but it looked as though it wasn't to be. I drove down to the bottom and on the way back up - about halfway - saw a spot so pulled in. When we got to the top, right outside the cafe was not one, but 3 parking spaces. I should have believed and had more faith. They'd never failed me there before, they didn't fail me on Sunday either. My own lack of faith saw up waling up the hill - not that that is a bad thing. The exercise helped burn off the slice of cake we ate with our cuppa while there. When I say slice, I mean chunk. By chunk I mean a whole cake - at least it was big enough to be a normal sized whole cake. I couldn't  eat it all. Mind you, a coffee cake that had overtones of lemon was a bit odd, and number 2's chocolate cake definitely tasted as though it had been made with raisins - most odd. On the way back to the car I saw a sign for a roman temple. In all the many, many, many, thousands of visits, I've made over my lifetime, I had never seen the sign before. We headed up to have a look. I'll admit to be slightly disappointed. I didn't know what to expect but a flat square of stones with a bit of cement (that really could have been made by bodget builders a fortnight ago) were all there was awaiting us. Not somewhere I'll be in a rush to go back to. 

Then we made our way to Lulworth Cove, via Durdle Door. I always feel as though I am going home when I head there. It really is the place I feel most like me. Driving onto the campsite I wanted so badly to be visiting my grandparents and staying in their caravan for a month, but those days ended years ago, so I carried on to the public carpark. Number 2 and I took ourselves on a stroll up to the top of Pimple Hill - I had a play with the 360 google app thing I've got while there.. click this link, take a look and tell me what you think :) Some of the cows grazing on the stroll up there got a bit close and stompy a couple of times. On the way back they'd eaten so were much happier :)  The view from the top is just stunning (as you'll know if you've checked the 360 link). It really helped being such a glorious day. The only thing I didn't like that I could see was the huge crane in the grounds of the house I really wanted to win the lottery to buy. Turns out the people who bought it have flattened it and judging by the amount of steel and concrete I could see they are going to build some modern looking thing that will be totally out of character with the area. I'm all for modernisation but not at the expense of the aesthetics of somewhere. The outside was proper characterful and blended in with the area and surrounding places perfectly. Just goes to show what you can do with money. Once back down the hill we took a stroll through the holiday park. It's not really changed that much since I was a kid. They do now have running water in the vans so no need to run round to the loo's at night, in the dark, cold and rain :) They've added a lot more vans too so taken away some of the grassy and rustic area's but like everything it's about money and if taking away bits gets another £7k per year then they're going to do it.  I do think the touring vans and electric hookup tent pitches are genuinely more private now though than the static vans and that's not necessarily a good thing. It wouldn't stop me having one down there though if I had the money to pay for one, although I'd have wanted the same spot my grandparents had (which was empty for years) but now has a van on it :( I walked number 2 round the whole site taking a little stroll down memory lane which was lovely for me. I'm sure she was bored to tears by it all but if she was she never let on.

Our next stop was the cove itself - now, I am all for paying parking charges if it means I get to park and am near where I want to be, but at £2 per hour, with a minimum of 2 hours, I did think it takes the piss a bit. We weren't going to be there that long as time was already running away with us and we had to get to Southampton on time for the gig. Still, they have you by the short and curlies, so we paid our dues (begrudgingly) and head up to Stair Hole as our first port of call, where my retained knowledge from geography at school was put to use and number 2 had her very own geology lesson from me :) Instagram oddly helps too as I follow a couple of geologists on there - the things you can learn in random places these days :) Of all the places we visited the beach down at the cove was by far the busiest so we stood just back and never actually headed onto the shoreline itself, but number 2 got a good view of it all, and I am sure we will go back at some point too. 

By the time we left if was almost 6pm and part of me was considering not going to the gig at all (I know, can you believe I would have even thought such a thing?). We managed to get there just as they opened the doors to let the minions in so never got to hangout with anyone beforehand - except a guy we met in Bournemouth last year who came and gave me hugs and hellos (bless him he also stood behind me inside so stopped anyone from pushing into me - he should really have stood by my number 2 :) ). Somehow we managed to get front row, center stage (only ever not been front row once and that was because we chose to sit on the sides, not because we couldn't get there to begin with. They were great (as always) although not as good as I have seen them. Had it been my first gig I'd have been wowed (like number 2 was) but because I've seen them sooooooo many times now I have others to compare them too and Sunday is low down on the rankings - still amazing though. The only downside was the guy next to number 2 who got in an altercation with 3 women behind who had done everything they could to push him and number 2 out the way so they could get to the front. Somehow punches got thrown and this guy smacked number 2 in the face. I'd not realised as I grabbed her and pulled her to me that he'd already got her so when I saw she was crying I laughed telling her not to be so daft, these things happen (I thought I'd got her out of harms way). When I found out what he'd done I wanted to smack him myself but security had removed him. It kind of turned out to be a good thing though as she then got a hug from Whit and my favourite song dedicated to her, and after the gig we caught up with Tim (not seen him since last year) and she also got to meet Cordell, Zac and Klaus (hugs and photo's came from T, Z and K) so she was a happy bunny. I think had she not been smacked she possibly wouldn't have got the attention. I've promised her next time (she wants to see them again; I believe she is a convert) that we'll get there early enough for her to spend some time with them before the gig.

I finally fell into bed at nearly 2am Monday morning (to be woken at 5) so was a little bit tired and not with it yesterday but it was most definitely worth it :) 

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Well, that's something I never thought I would do :)

Today, I did something I never thought I would ever do. I set myself up a Go Fund Me account and I'll be honest, I'm genuinely not ashamed to have done such a thing. I've seen people over the years set these things up to raise funds for all kinds of things (a new car, a playstation and one hundred games, a conservatory, paving for a driveway, to finance a competition) and never once thought about diong one for myself. As someone who wasn't allowed to Carol Sing at christmas, or Trick or Treat at Halloween (this was seen as a sign of begging and our family DO NOT beg anyone) I always thought that by setting up funding pages for things other than sending someone with a life-threatening illness away to be cured, was a bad thing. Then I sat back, thought about how badly I really do want to go back to the states before my time on this planet has ended, how unless I win the lottery the chances of me being able to save to do so are pretty slim (as I woudn't feel safe to go alone and whoever I could talk into coming with me I would have to pay for as well - whose going to pay for a trip that's not really what they want to do?) and it struck me that there are peopel in this world (like me) willing to help out someone else, so why not see if any of them are willing to help me. There's only so much stubborness within me, at some point it had to give. Don't get me wrong I am still doing to save as hard as I can and have been sorting through bits and pieces I have that I might be able to sell so I can add to the savings fund myself (I think the total I could raise if I sold everything I actually own would be about about £200 but it all helps - if I thought I could sell my body I would even consider that right now, but I think unless I cut myself up and sold myself by the pound, the chances of selling me are even slimmer than they are that some random strangers are going to fund my trip - that last bit by the way is a lie really as I would NEVER sell myself to anyone for anything; I may have no shame but I do have some standards and I don't want no nasty diseases or itchy bits either :) ). 

I think part of the reason for finally swallowing my pride is that just recently I have realised my own mortality and it's hit me that we really are not here for long and need to make as much of our time here as we possibly can. I keep seeing all these meme's about how life is for living and that we need to make "each day count" but these are shared by people who have the funds to live the life they want, people who don't have to worry about where the money is giong to come from to ensure the electric bill is paid. These are people who earn more in a week (sometimes day) than I earn in a month and while I am no stupid enough to think that just because they earn so much doesn't mean they can afford to do all they want - let's face it we all live on the edge and push our limits to what we can/can't afford - these are also people who have husbands/wives/boyfriends and girlfriends. People who don't have to live with their elderly Mum because tehy are too poor to live alone. People who have someone else that can save with them so they can once a year or so go out and live their lives, live their dreams. I don't have that. I don't have an other half of me that can help me raise the funds, work overtime to put aside some for holidays and days out. It's just me and I tried to better myself by starting up a business in the hope that would make enough money to hire people - helping them make money - and afford me a great wage. Don't get me wrong it's doing ok, but I'm earning less than I was at 16 and am still not at the stage where I can afford other's. Some peopel see this as a failure but to me the fact it's paying it's bills in these economically hard times for small businesses is a result of the hard work and long hours I have put into it. I've sacrificed my life to make this work and it is working; that can never be a failure. Besides what other job could I do? For every job out there, there are 300 people waiting for it and the only skill I have is floristry so I could only ever do retail work which pays peanuts. I consider myself a very lucky person to do a job I adore and to do it for myself, but even lucky people need help now and again which is why I set the funding page up :) 

Just for the record, the company won't put my page on their website lists until it has raised a minimum of £200 so if any of you reading this are feeling generous the link to donate is HERE :)

My ideal dream would be to head out there in September/October 2018 - that's how long it would take me to save my share if I don't go anywhere or do anything for the next 24 months and if I am able to sell all the bits I own but if an anonymous someone will too much money is reading this right now wants to donate £10k (this would stop me sitting in cattle class on the flights) then feel free to hit the link here and donate away. It will all be greatfully received and I could head off in April 2017 instead (if there's enough left after I've paid the taxman his cut - yep, any money raised had to be declared and taxed on :(    

What if I don't raise enough? Not an option; I believe I will raise exactly what I need - I still believe there are good people in this world :)

Sunday, 18 September 2016

Up and down

I love a merry-go-round, sang Howard Donald on the Take That song "Here". 

Sometimes the merry-go-round is great fun, others not so, but one thing's for sure, what goes up must come down, what's down can only go up. I started the week down, really down, in fact at one point I never thought I was going to get back up again. On Tuesday I felt as though my whole world was crashing down around my ears. Having had a bust up with my little old Mumsy I found myself in the position of looking for somewhere new to live (we're all sorted now, but I do feel I've outstayed my welcome and that the 2 of us probably shouldn't be living with each other). Then a wholesaler let me down - not their wisest move. Even less wise was getting the welsh woman that works for them, who I dislike immensely on a good day, to phone me (3 hours after I'd tried to ring them and left numerous messages about them letting me down). When she uttered the words "well it's not my fault" I saw red; first time in 20 years I've proper lost my temper, had it not been for a customer coming in the shop to place a funeral order I really think I would have driven to where she's based and followed up on my promise of ripping her throat out with my bare hands. I literally descended into the "red mist". I was livid. This though then lead to tears - not because I was sad (at the time) but because I was so bloody angry and it's easier to cry than get arrested for GBH (or murder)).  Once the customer had left I'd calmed down a wee bit and this was when the proper tears came, for I picked up my phone to ring Donna. I planned on asking her (telling her, I never had to ask her for anything) that I was going to stay with her for a while (to give Mum and I a break) but of course, there was no answer. She's not there any more. That's when the tears came. That's the first time since she died I've not been able to stop them. My heart broke all over again. I broke and for a while I wasn't sure I was ever going to be mended again. I realised for the first time (proper) that my best friend is truly gone; she's not there, she won't be coming back. I miss her so very much. However, it was also the day I discovered I had chicken pox so that would explain why I was quite so emotional as I was.. 

The week got better though. Not because of anything in particular (for I am still very emotional and could easily cry, but that's just part of the grieving process that I seem to have finally entered - I know that's what it is, I understand it, and I know it will pass when the time is right) but because I told myself I still have a life, I have everything to live for. If I was feeling miserable the only person to make me smile again was me; nobody can take away how I feel, nobody else can make the pain go away. It's one of those things I have to deal with, on my own. 

On my own. Hmmm.. aren't I just? I also realised this week that my 2 closest friends are a short fat guy who is over-opinionated on everything. A pedantic middle-aged guy who is always right - even when he's wrong. A guy who's selfishly considerate (he can be kind on an emotional level but is a selfish twat most of the time). He does give great hugs though and knows when I'm going off on one to just let me get on with it. He doesn't try to make me talk but will listen (for 2 or 3 minutes before interrupting and talking about other stuff) when I need to get it off my chest. The other? A middle aged, pot smoking native american career criminal with anger management issues. They're not Donna replacements (she can never be replaced, and the fat one has been in my life longer than she was, the angry one almost as long) but they are the 2 people I trust more than I trust any others in this world. The little fat man can be trusted because he has a brain like a sieve and forgets most things he's told anyway :) The angry one, just because he's always there for me, regardless. I've been so mean to him at times, taken out my pain, anger and sadness on him, and still he let's me throw more at him. He wasn't in my life for a couple of years (my choice) but I am so glad I got him back. I don't know what I'd do without him sometimes - what I would do without both of them really. 

Don't get me wrong; I have a couple of other friends (yes, really just only a couple) but they're not people I share with. I consider them friends, but they're more like family; I don't see them often - the family that you don't really invite round (and vice verse) or spend time with yet you enjoy being with them when you get together and when we do see each other we pick up right where we left off. Hence why I don't share with them (there are some things you don't talk to family about - besides I don't think we're close enough that I would talk about personal stuff with them).  They do say that as you get older you realise it's not about how many friends you have, but the quality of the ones you do have that matters. That is so true yet it doesn't mean I don't have room for anyone else, I'll just be a lot more wary about who I let in and trust in future. Especially after recent events with people I considered friends. 

The words above don't really make it sound as though I had any up's this week but I did. I see the realisation part of it all as an up, for it means I learned something, and isn't life all about learning? I finally started to grieve (not a nice thing but far better to get it out than keep it bottled up). I lost my temper and while that is never a good thing it reminded me that I can lose it. That I am still alive, very much so. For so long I've sat back, let people walk all over me, backed down, been a pathetic little creature allowing others to treat me bad; this week that changed. I accepted the things I can't control while taking control of the things I can. I'm very much alive and intend to be for a lot longer. There will be more bad days in the coming weeks, of that I am 100% positive, but I also know they won't last. I'll work through them, deal with them and one day the rainbow will shine brightly again. That time is just around the corner. I can feel it, smell it, sense it. Life is about to get interesting. 

Another good thing; I finally got a selfie with the dog.. hahaha.. well.. kind of :) I laid on the ground, camera ready. She ran towards me, I snapped off one shot, before she then launched herself at me wanting to smother me with sloppy staffie kisses, before head butting me so hard I ended up with a bruise - no, for those of you ignorants reading this, the head butt wasn't deliberate, she was trying to give me more kisses. 

Sunday, 4 September 2016

What if the world ended tomorrow?

I've had a really weird day today and it got me thinking about life, love and the universe (on a Friday lunchtime too - not gone midnight, fuelled with alcohol). There I was, sorting out the flowers for the wedding of a childhood friend who is getting wed for the 2nd time tomorrow, when it suddenly struck me out of all my friends, I am the only one who has never found someone willing to love me enough to want to marry me. Every single one of my friends has been married at least once. All of them, every last (non) single one of them. Except me.

Now, I could sit here and tell you it's because I've been too fussy, but let's face it I really didn't set my standards very high at all. I don't even think I set them midway, so I can't use that as an excuse. Of course these days I can say it's down to the fact I am a heffer, but some men aren't shallow enough to look at the outside, they judge someone on who they are on the inside - or at least that's what I've been telling myself for all these years, so I don't sit on my shelf feeling sorry for myself that nobody wants me :) I've spent years using the excuse that I keep myself overweight so that when I do meet someone I'll know he's interested in me for who I am, not what I look like or can offer him (let's face it other than an amazing personality, I don't actually have anything to offer anyone :) ) but even I'm not silly enough to know men aren't shallow creatures. I know for a man to look at me as potential girlfriend material I have to make changes, I have to make myself look better, because at the end of the day we are (humans) a shallow race of people, we do judge books by covers (I too am as bad). I look in the mirror and while I may not like the shape I see staring back at me, I do, these days, like the person staring back at me so that's a good thing at least.

Jase says I give off this vibe that I'm not interested in anyone, that I don't want people to approach me or get close to me. HE says that even when I do have someone I'd love to give it a try with (there was/is someone who interests me) I still act aloof because I doubt he would ever be interested. It's nto that I doubt it, it's just that with some people you know if they are or not by their behaviour and what they say to mutual friends, so it's not worth allowing myself to hope when I know there is no hope - it's not being disinterested at all, it's merely protecting myself from unneccessary angst). With some other people he is absolutely correct, but not all. He was saying how I never go anywhere to meet someone new, again he makes a valid point, yet I have always believed - and most likely always will - that when you're meant to be with someone, you will be with them, regardless. How many people have met in the most random places under the strangest of circumstances? They could be going out to places every night in the hope of meeting someone, yet end up with their future partner because they bumped into each other on the street, got into conversation as their dogs sniffed each others butt in a park, be stood in a field with a camera while you stand the other side with yours. People meet in all kinds of places and due to all scenarios. Heck, I met Jase on a bus going to work one morning. We struck up conversation and here we are, 30 years later, still great friends - best friends even, which is why I don't believe I need to be out and about putting myself out there to meet someone; if it's meant to be it will be. That's what I find so hard at times though. I wonder why? it's not meant to be. Is is because Jase is right and I give out a vibe that yells to people "I'm not interested"? or is it just that I'm meant to be the sad singleton among my peers?

My plan when I was younger would have seen me celebrating a Silver Wedding Anniversary this year, yet I sit here, alone at work, tapping away to strangers in cyber land about how I am still single at my age. Damn right it gets lonely at times. Then again, I guess I don't have time for a full-time relationship so maybe that is why it's not happened and I've not met someone. Maybe I'm not allowed to find someone because I can't commit 110% but surely there are others like me? Surely there are men out there who also have commitments, that don't have the time to give 100% yet would love someone to share moments with? Someone they can pick up the phone and chat with when they have a spare 10. Someone they want to share the random moments with. I can't be the only person that wants those things, those moments, without having to give over 100% of my time? All the things I share with Jase and Nathan are the things I want to be sharing with someone I can say is my Somebody. I don't want to own someone, I don't want to be an "other half", that's not how relationships should be, but I do sometimes want to be part of something, to be important to someone. Yes, I am aware I am important to many people (Nathan especially) and he is an extremely important person in my life - right now he's the one I share everything with. He will always be an important figure in my life, I will always share everything with him. I want what I have with him though with someone in the real world also). If I could take bits of Nathan, an odd bit of Jase (he's not a twat all the time) and mix it with some other bits of people whose company I enjoy I think I could make an almost perfect person. Thankfully I am aware (and glad) that perfect people don't exist, but someone who has just the right amount of imperfections, who appreciates all my own imperfections, would be the perfect person for me. I don't think it's too much to ask, is it?

So, while I wish my friend all the happiness in the world as she embarks on her married journey, I can't help but feel slightly aggrieved (not the right word but I can't think of the one I wanted that would fit correctly) that the universe has provided her with 2 chances at getting it right, while bypassing me completely, not yet giving me one chance.

However, having said all of the above, please do not think I am complaining in any way, or feeling hard done by. I am a very lucky person who is blessed with a couple of amazing family members and although my friends pool has dwindled somewhat in recent months the remaining few (there really are on a few left) are true friends and I can't ask for any more than that. 

Monday, 29 August 2016

Family, friends and wedged in tent pegs

I have just had another most excellent weekend away with my camping friends - they're friends in real life too, not just people I go camping with.... although...  this was only the 2nd time of seeing them this year - that was on another camping trip, so maybe they're not really friends in the real world any more? hahahaha. As if. The old saying about not seeing friends for years but picking up right where you last left off is so perfect for us (well me, for they are related and see each other all the time - hmm... then again., maybe it is just me :) )

This time though I wasn't alone, oh no. I had my number 3 with me. Now I can't get the boy to shut up (jeez he can waffle) but it would appear when in company of people he doesn't know, he's a bit of a shy one. Don't even get me started on his resting face. He looks like a right grump, yet, he's not and by the time we came home he'd really started to come out of his shell. The others have invited him along next year (I think he will definitely be joining us) and I have no doubt by the end of the first day he'll be with them how he almost is with me (they'll then be wishing he'd shut up for 10 minutes :) ).

There's not really much to share. We ate lots, some of us drank lots (not me, only 3 ciders and half a glass of pimms over the 4 days). We took a walk into town, had a pub lunch (more food and drink) before heading back via the river for a paddle. Jase popped by on Saturday for a few hours with his sister; the rest of the time it was just the 12 of us (9 - I should say adults but I'm not sure what we are really - and 3 little peoples (my number 3 is not so little any more so been added to the adults class)).

We did get a tent peg wedged into a tree root - we didn't know there was a root there until the peg went in and wouldn't come back out; I would NEVER harm a tree deliberately. It took 4 of us - me, number 3 and 2 (men, we'll call them men.. hahaha) and that bloody thing was not going to move for anyone. In the end we had to bang it in further which will most likely have done more damage, but it was the only option left to us. 

Not sure letting the kids loose with the face paints was my best plan of action though. Was quite funny going to the shower block in the dark - I must have resembled a giant glowing alien :) 

Friday, 19 August 2016

Happy Days

I may be ending this week a little bit tired - a lot tired in all honesty - but it has so been worth it. I took Wednesday and Thursday off work and went out to play (I know, on a work day). Wednesday saw a planned trip to the Isle of Wight with an early start - really early start. The ferry was booked for 7am (I don't get up in the mornings until 7.05) so to have to be up, dressed, ready to leave home over an hour before I awaken was never going to be easy for me. It didn't help that the night before I got caught up in the Olympics (cycling) and there was a problem forcing it to run late which meant I went to bed a lot later than I had planned; it was well worth waiting up for though. I was on the edge of my seat at one point - I never knew riding a bike could be so exciting.

The ferry crossing was lovely, which is always a bonus when I hate being on a boat. Jase had 2 jobs to do over there which were done by 9.15 then the day was ours to do as we wished.

A coffee and stroll along the beach at Sandown started our time off lovely. I even went for a paddle :) Had I taken a swimsuit with me I do believe I would have stayed there longer and had myself a swim. The sun was bloody hot and being in the water would have cooled me down nicely :) I was surprised at how few people there were -  in fact the 2 days we were out and about really were very quiet for the time of year. Maybe everyone knew I was going to be about so kept out the way - except the family in the pub yesterday that we stopped in for lunch. The place was huge (there must have been 50 different tables). We were the only 2 people in there until this family of 4 entered and sat on the table behind us. An empty pub and they practically sat on my our laps. I just don't understand humans at times. 

We left the beach and headed to the Zoo. Now, I know it's more of a rescue centre, but I will admit I expected a little bit more. There was a cage of Lemurs, followed by another cage of Lemur. If you were lucky you might have seen a Lemur or 2 in one of the other cages. The spider monkey cages had spider monkeys in them. One part of the building - it's all based around an old fort - housed a POO museum (yes, you did hear me right, a poo museum).  I nearly forgot the meerkats, but what zoo doesn't have those.

There were 2 cages with a tiger in each (beautiful creatures) and 1 with 2 lions (male and female) in. I didn't get any photo's of the lions but Jase got one that makes the male lion look like he may have been smoking a wee bit of pot :) 

I'm not convinced about the lesser spotted bearded English Man they keep locked up in one of the cages..!!

The zoo took about an hour out of our day (I did come away slightly disappointed in it - maybe my expectations were too high). After leaving there we had a bit of a mooch about, before finding ourselves at the Garlic Farm (Jase wanted some garlic jam.. I know, garlic, jam? I am yet to be convinced and not brave enough to try it). I did, however, try the garlic ice cream - yes, such a thing does exist. I wouldn't have chosen to purchase any to try, but as we were walking around the grounds this lady decided to talk to me and basically shoved a spoonful of the stuff at me (she'd bought it for herself but was willing to share, for some strange reason :) ) I was surprised it wasn't as disgusting as I thought it would be - in fact it wasn't unpleasant at all. It wasn't however something I would want to eat again, no matter how many times the lady tried to shove another spoonful at me. 

The rest of the day we spent mooching. We had lunch at the Victoria Country Park (a nice place to stop). I inadvertently and unintentionally had some poor lad nearly cry with laughter even though he was trying so hard not to. I decided to sit up on a wall - not a big issue, except I forgot I wasn't wearing leggings and did in fact have a cotton dress on, which meant there was no give to the material. As I just got myself high enough and went to move my fat ass backwards onto the wall itself, so the material pulled taught and I ended up literally bouncing off the wall instead. Jase laughed at me the 3 times I tried (and failed) before I realised what I was doing wrong, successfully (kind of) getting myself up there on my 4th attempt. This wasn't without it's issues though, as the material still failed to shift, but I was in a better start position which is what got me up there. I ended up breaking my dress strap though because of the taught pull and I ended up having to tie the strap to my bra strap to keep the thing from falling down (I just don't have big enough boobies to hold tops up on their own :) ) There is video of the moment that I am sure will be shared on social media at some point. 

We found ourselves driving down some pretty narrow roads which lead us to a small nature reserve where you are almost guaranteed to see a red squirrel. There was another couple at the lookout hut when we got there (he was a right miserable git who I heard say to his wife after Jase had asked him one question "why don't they just fuck off and stop asking me things?". They then made loads of noise (I think they were trying to get us to leave - they gave in before we did). About 5 minutes after they left I saw one on the window shelf of the hut. Luckily (in one way) I'd put my zoom on so snapped off a couple of shots but they were too dark, then Jase walked down to it so he was in my way. It did make its way to where I was but the shot I got is a bit blurry as I didn't get chance to change to a shorter lens and couldn't stand back far enough to get a crisp shot, but I am happy with it. 

Our ferry back that night was 11pm so it was gone midnight by the time I got home. I had to be at work early on Thursday to get the days deliveries ready for the drivers before heading down to Dorset for the day. I still never got to Carisbrook Castle or Quarr Abbey - 2 places I've wanted to visit the last 3 times I've been to the Island. That's a hint if anyone wants to take me :)

Every year a friend and I go to Lulworth Castle as they have an open-air cinema down there. She's not been well and has been unable to come out to play all year (she's not been well enough for me to visit her for an evening either). As Jase knew I how much I love to go but didn't have anyone to go with, he organised to take me (he also knows what a huge Star Wars fan I am and as they were showing 'The Force Awakens' he knew it made it an ever better trip out for me. My favourite place and Star Wars, what more could a girl want? I normally end up on the beach at the cove for half an hour but yesterday it was so busy we'd never have got near, so we headed to Weymouth then sat on the hill at Bowleaze Cove watching the world go by before making our way to the castle. 

I won't lie, when I saw the friend I usually go with (who's been telling me she's too poorly to see me) sitting on a chair a few rows in front of me, I felt hurt - really hurt, but such is life.  There were some great people sitting around me and Jase, I had a perfect view of the screen, the skies were clear, the moon was full and it was Star Wars. Happy Days. The perfect ending to a great couple of days. :)


Sunday, 14 August 2016

Bloody marvellous

the 2 words that best describe my week - with the exception of splitting one of my molar teeth in half on Thursday, but that's a minor inconvenience (a bloody painful one) that can be fixed when I go to the dentist on the 24th - yes, that really was the earliest they could fit me in as an emergency. I did try some acupressure last night which has appeared to work (I'm sure it's all in my mind, but if it stops the pain that's good enough for me). When I say it's split, I'm not joking either. The back part has split in 2 from the front part. That'll teach me not to be naughty and eat a jelly sweet - which was so hard I joked it was going to pull my filling out, right before I felt (and heard) the tooth split. Actually I also managed to get sunburnt again today (fixing new waterproofing to the shed smothered in factor 50 sun lotion). I also smacked my thumb with the hammer (who hasn't done that when playing with nails and hammers?) and as I went to help my little old Mumsicle off a ladder she elbowed me in the cheek. Hmmm.. did I say it had been a good week? :)

Hold on; I also put on 2.5lb this week - the reason for that will become apparent in a bit. So worth it though :) 

Tuesday I had a call from my little fat friend asking if I fancied going out that night to do some photography. He was talking about heading to the new forest and taking photo's after midnight. I had work on Wednesday so thanked him before declining the offer, when it struck me that just the other week I was saying about how short life is, and how I should get out and about more and stop making excuses for not living life, so ended up agreeing. It wasn't until after we were stood on the edge of a lake that I realised I'd not bought  a cardi with me and once the sun went down it was bloody chilly as. Thankfully Jase had 2 work polo shirts in his car that I was able to put on; they surely helped. I managed to capture a lovely sunset shot though. 

The best bit came a few hours later when we headed to the other side of the pond (after we'd been to Calshot for a while to waste time). Not only did I see the triangle shape of Saturn, Mars and some other big star that I still can't remember the name of. That was a pretty special moment. Topped though by the shooting stars we saw (Jase managed to capture one in a photo so he was chuffed to nuts). My chuffed to nuts moment came when we got back to the lake and I managed to set my camera up myself to take some night shots where for the first time ever I was able to capture the Milky Way (to begin with I was more chuffed I'd been able to set the camera up on the right settings and get it in focus - something I'd struggled with on the previous night shoot he took me on). 

I'm still amazed that I actually took the photo. My first proper try - ever. Just goes to show what you can achieve when you have a good teacher. 

Thursday he rang to see if I wanted to go out again, but I'd split the tooth that day which was causing me no amount of pain. I'd  also been out earlier in the evening with Mum. We went to the beach which looks out over the Isle of Wight as the Red Arrows were flying over there for Cowes week. Obviously people on that island would have got a far better view than we did, but considering we were treated to a great show by them - I also got a couple of pics I'm really happy with.  While we were there we had an ice cream (99 with flake, nuts and chocolate sauce - it would have been rude not to). Most delicious it was too. After leaving there it was getting late so we treated ourselves to Fish and Chips - so naughty and no wonder I put on 2.5lbs this week. They were well worth it though :) If I add them on to the previous 2 weeks it's just means I lost 6.5lbs in 3 weeks. Sounds so much better than saying I lost 9 then put on 2.5 

I did tell him I could go out on Friday night if he wanted - Saturday at work was only half a day so wouldn't matter too much if I was super tired). He said it was meant to be cloudy so there was no point going out, which was fine by me. How wrong he was, and how pleased I was that he changed his mind and came to get me. 

We found ourselves in a carpark at the back of beyond where we had the most amazing view of the night sky. The meteor shower which had peaked the previous evening treated us to some consolation shooters - 2 of them were like balls of fire flying through the sky. Sadly every time one whizzed across the sky neither of us had a camera taking a pic at the time. They were that good I'll not forget how they looked though.  Most weird when at 2am so guy came wandering along the hill above us, down the path and out through the carpark gates. He had a head lamp on with a red bike light attached to his rucksack and he appeared to be hiking. Not sure he was seeing as much as he would during the day :)  The moon created a lot more light than we needed so the milky way shots weren't as bright as they were on Tuesday, but I loved how the man gave some great reflections and colours. I'm not overkeen on being in dark, lonely, quite places in the dead of night (you never know who might be lurking) but I do love the photo's I'm getting by being in those, so it's a case of the good with the bad - swings and roundabouts. 

Roll on next week is all I can say. 2 days and 1 night out booked for it already :) 

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

I was thinking earlier

never a good thing in my world, about how much life has changed for me in the past few years. How at the time I thought the changes were bad things that would make life harder to live with, yet now realise they were great changes that have allowed me to finally be the person I am without fear or reprisal. I do still find myself being careful what I say around certain people - sadly there are still many who can't be trusted - but the fear of having a nasty attack made at myself has diminished. Don't get me wrong I would never have wished for Donna to die, I would give anything to have her back on the planet, laughing, smoking, insulting me - I miss her each and every single day, but I would never wish back in my life those who made it so hard for a few years (in truth one of them made it hard for pretty much most of my life). I shall still keep their secrets (that's what separates me from them as I am sure they would happily dish the dirt on me) and some moments and memories of them I shall treasure - things weren't always bad, yet the difference in me, in my life, since I am no longer walking on eggshells is amazing. Even I can see I am not the person I was. It's as though I have broken free from the chains that were keeping me tightly tethered. It sure took me long enough to walk away though. All those years I wasted - for nothing. I do however wish all involved the very best for their futures. I hope they finally get to put their own demons to sleep.

Now, I've wasted enough of my life and time on them, have only really thought about things this morning as I had a reminder pop up on my phone because one of them has a birthday today and I obviously didn't remove all aspects of them from my life (I have now, that will be the last reminder). Time to fill you in on my world :) 

Not that there is much to share really. I've been exceptionally busy at work, which is taking up most of my time. I have been out and socialised a few times, but I don't need to be sharing those details with anyone as they're not interesting enough to others to share. I did laugh as I wrote that knowing how much crap I tend to waffle, the irony of that comment has not been lost on me :) I'm actually going out to play tonight, on a school night (well not because it's the holidays for the awful little creatures, but I do have work in the morning and the chances of me getting home before 2am are very slim.. very slim indeed. I said no to begin with, then thought about how life is short, how I spend too much time sitting round doing nothing, so decided to go for it. Who know's where it might lead me? 

It's funny how when life is good things change for the good too. I rediscovered my love of crafting and as a result have stepped away from spending as much time on social media as I was. Now rather than deal with everyone else's dramas I create something; it's given me a sense of calm again. I guess I really am a creative person after all and it would appear doing something creative gives me a good sense of well-being. I create a calm atmosphere around myself at the same time. Plus I get to see something at the end of it all, am rewarded with something rather than just moving onto another game level. I am aware the bits I'm making are not of a platinum standard but I'm not making them to sell. Besides I am sure a charity shop/event would be more than happy to receive the bits made. They would be able to get something for them, so I get to enjoy life and have a serene calmness enter it, while someone else gets to raise a few pennies to help out those less fortunate or maybe raise enough to help fund a medical need. It's a win/win situation. 

How's the weight loss going, you ask? Well, let me tell you, it's going mighty well indeed. Ta for asking :) Another 4lb off last week - 39.5 in 14 weeks. I'm happy with that. Puts me 11.5 over my planned target, so will also help keep me on target when it does eventually begin to ease off a bit (I am aware I can't keep losing at such a rate for the whole time I am trying). This time next year I believe I will be exactly where I need/want to be. That may seem like a long time, but the way time moves these days it will be here sooner than I am probably ready for. I reckon in another 39.5 it might even begin to notice I've lost some too :) 

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Great end to the week

or should that be great beginning to the new week, as I count Sunday as the beginning? Whichever way it was, it's ended/started, wonderfully. 

I went out to play last night with my little fat friend, but we didn't go out until 10.30pm. Been a really long time since I last went out at that time of night, normally I'd be coming home then ready for bed. We ended up by the lighthouse station at Selsey - never been there before and not sure I'd be that impressed in daylight hours but it was nice enough there last night. Sadly just as we got sorted the thick cloud appeared and wiped out any chance of us being able to snap off a shot or 2 of the milky way, but I'm still learning so more practice at any kind of night shot is not a bad thing :)  I did manage to snap off a red star that we're not sure if it is just a pixel malfunction or a star known as the Giant - I'm going with the giant, although not sure we can see it in our night sky :) We never saw it with the naked eye and I didn't even know about it until my friend sent me a link to it. 

This one has a shooting star in the background - or is it just a plane? :)
 The next shot is one I thought might make a good photo - I'm sure with the right photographer with a better understanding of shutter times, lights and other bits it would have worked how I thought it would, but for a novice with not much of a clue I'm really pleased with it. 

The one below has the red dot in it (which for some reason doesn't want to show up on social media but is bright as a spotlight in the original. 

The very last one has the start of the Milky Way - we were gutted we couldn't wait around for it, but the cloud was thick, there was no sign of any break in it and the weather forecast was showing rain, so there was little point hanging around. 

Mind you by the time I got to bed at 3.30, only to be rudely awaked by a neighbours dogs at 6am I wasn't quite so sure I appreciated it all :) Definitely didn't appreciate people asking me mindless questions or talking to me about things I have no interest in for hours on end later today when I as beginning to feel tired. 

However, the tired/grumpyness is a by product of a good night and I'm still buzzing from the moment I stepped on the scales this morning. Week 12 and I lost 5lb.. whoop whoop.  No idea how but I'll take it - makes up for not losing anything last week :) Mimd you, losing is not such a good thing as Mum pointed out yesterday as we walked the dog that my stomach now wobbles where it never did before so while I am smaller I actually look bigger because the wobble is drawing people's attention to the size of it. Oh joy - now, where did I put my spanx?