Monday, 25 May 2015

There are times

in this life when things change; not always for the better, not always for the worse, not always through choice, but they change, and that change is something that has to be embraced, and life has to move on in a different direction.

For some friends, their lives changed in the not too distant past, and oddly enough as a result of their changes,  I have caught up with other old friends I'd not seen for years, while at the same time finding I am distanced from others that I was seeing more. This is life and it's how it is right now. As a result of this change though, I just got to spend a really enjoyable weekend reconnecting with these old friends, doing what I enjoy doing best: camping. Normally I would feel guilty at having such a great time, because of the heartache someone else had to suffer, but things have moved on, and I think (I'm not 100% certain - about 85%) that the person who suffered is finally coming out the other side. 

A dinner out a few weeks ago with said friends, produced an add-on invite to join them all on their planned camping trip.  Not being able to take my own tent as the place was booked, it was decided I would bundle in and share with a couple of others - I'm not entirely sure that was such a blessing with the snoring that was going on from the person in the sleeping bit next to mine (I know he might read this so won't name him.. hahaha) and yes I am also aware that I snore too so I'm not going to go on about it too much; in fact it appeared that as he snored so I woke up, and as I nodded off and fell back asleep so he would wake up. On the odd occasion we were awake at the same time for a split second - I know this because the tent was quiet :) 

The friend I'd lost contact with (as such) - who will always be my friend no matter what others throw at us and who even though I never saw him as much, I knew he is always there for me (as I am for him) - was there with his wife and he 2 gorgeous daughters, who are possibly the best behaved children I've come across. For 3 and 5 years old I never heard them complain once, even after we walked them 3.5 miles yesterday; something so rare these days. They were also happy to play by themselves and weren't constantly on at people to entertain them... a real rarity. 

The weekend started for them all on Friday - one of them having to come back Friday evening; I picked him up Saturday morning and we had to pop to the supermarket. On a Saturday morning? It was actually really quiet and we were in and out in record time. The drive down to the campsite was also really good - most unusual on a normal day but for a bank holiday weekend, I was mightily amazed.  As we got there, my travel companions number 2 son, who was already there from the previous day text to ask where we were; at that point we were sat at the gate's, waiting to get on the site because we got in the wrong queue and had to wait longer than normal :) 

The day was spent chatting, laughing, catching up. My friends Mum and Dad came down for a bbq dinner with us too which was lovely - bless them, they asked my own Mum if she'd like to come down as well which I thought really kind of them. They bought some really tasty swiss roll cake too which I should not have eaten (for the waist line) but that I could have eaten much more of :) There were many bubbles blown with the kids, and a fair amount of alcohol consumed by a couple of adults - myself included, although apparently I was impressive as I never appeared to be drunk; I didn't feel it either until I got into bed (my blow up mattress with a sleeping bag slung on top) that night. I never made it to the inside of the sleeping bag though as I was trying not to disturb my travel companion in the room next to me, and so I just flopped down on top and stayed there until I woke at 5 yesterday morning.  The others all went to bed about 11 on Saturday but myself and my oldest friend stayed up chatting; it was like when we were younger and had been to the pub together. On the way home we'd always sit on a bench, wall or in a field and chat the hours away; didn't realise how much I missed him, or being part of a family, until this weekend. That's what made it special; these people aren't my family by blood, but they are my family by choice, and to spend some time with them in great surroundings, relaxing and enjoying each others company was wonderful. 

A walk to the local village yesterday is all we did (the grammar of those few words at the beginning of this paragraph sound awful) - stopping for lunch on the way - before we headed to a little river for the kids (that's including us big kids) to do a spot of paddling and fishing. I'm not sure at which point in my life I stopped being able to walk on stones (I'd run up and down beaches and the alley at the back of my house which is pure gravel without a second thought as a child) but stepping into that river (aside from the cold) was bloody painful so I didn't stay in there long; I could have stayed there longer if I'd had the foresight to take along some suitable under water footwear :)

When we got back to camp there wasn't a lively one among us (the walk, food, heat etc wore us out) and at one point I'm amazed we didn't all nod off, but dinner sorted that and then one of the younglings suggested a game of cards; we ended up playing a game I used to love - we played it a bit wrong to begin with as none of us could remember how to play (a google search at 3 this morning finally answered all the game questions) but that too was lovely to sit and play cards, abusing each other in the fun way families should abuse when playing games - nobody taking any of it seriously (although I did win the first 3 games.. hahahaha. :) )  I now need to find more people to teach who I see more often to play it with me :) 

I do find it sad that other things (not such nice things) had to happen to someone I care a lot about for me to have the great weekend I've just had, but as I said at the beginning, sometimes thing change for the better (they worked out better for me but for that to happen it had to be bad for him for a while). I guess it's the roundabout of life; it just keeps moving and you either hang on in there and enjoy the ride when you can, or you fly off and have to find a way back on to it. I'm hanging on for now, but am well aware anything can happen at any time and I could easily be thrown off again in a flash. That's why if something is offered and I want to take up the offer I will do; if someone else doesn't like that I've taken the path that's right for me, then I'm afraid that's for them to deal with. I've spent my life trying to please others and worrying about their thoughts or feelings; life is now all about me, and I am loving every second of it. I know all too soon how quickly and easily it can end; it's for living and if nothing else, this weekend I've learned that when you take the bull by the horns, when you do think just of yourself and nobody else, you really can let your hair down and enjoy yourself.

If any of you that have spent the weekend with me are reading this, I thank you. 

Monday, 18 May 2015

I had

an amazing weekend; sorry if it seems like I'm here to brag.. actually.. no I'm not.. I really did have an amazing weekend :)

Before the weekend itself kicked off, I had a great Friday evening with friends where good food and conversation was had. We even chatted about politics without anyone getting arsey with each other :) Not many people can do that, but then we've been friends our whole lives and know each other well enough to respect our different opinions. I love being round them all, as it reminds me how things used to be in my family when we would all get together; I don't have that any more, as most of the family members that would arrange such things have died, and the other's don't include anyone else any more, so to be able to have that with others (they're such old friends their pretty much family to me anyway; in fact they're probable closer than my family to me these days) is a wonderful thing. For them to include as they do means more to me than they could know; it's nice to feel I belong somewhere, and to something, again. They've invited me camping this weekend and have no idea how much that means to me, or how much I am looking forward to it :) 

Anyway; back to this weekend that's just been and gone - way too quickly. Back last year sometime I saw on  a friends FB that she'd got tickets for a Take That concert that was taking place on Saturday - I knew they went on general sale the following day and had planned to do whatever it took to get myself a couple of tickets (with no clue who I was going with) as I've been to every tour they've done since their beginning (except the last one when they took Robbie Williams back because it pissed me off how it was obvious to anyone with half a brain he was only using the rest of them to kick start his failing career, so I stuck to my guns and didn't got to any). So, I happened to comment on my friends status that I was extremely jealous and was hoping to get some the next day, at which point she told me she had extra (she'd got 4 but needed only 2) so they were mine if I wanted them.. Did I want them? Damn right I did. Now, they cost £85 each which is a massive amount of money - especially to someone like me without any - but I bit the bullet, took advantage of my overdraft and had them off her. 

As it was in Birmingham we discussed options about getting there then settled on booking a hotel at the airport over night and going up by train so we could all have a beer - or 4. The train tickets were a great price, and the hotel not bad either, so between us we booked bits, transferred money to each other and were set. My extra ticket I offered to my number 1 as I'd always promised her when she was younger I would take her one day; I was mighty happy when she said she would love to come. 

She hopped on the train her end of  the track, I hopped on at my middle bit, and we met the other 2 at their end. By 10.30 the frozen mojito's were in plastic glasses, followed by individual bottles of wine with a straw, and our weekend began :) 

Arriving in Birmingham we headed straight for the hotel, unpacked our bags and then headed off for lunch - there were frozen Margarita's on the menu, so it was rude not to - although I think they shook the salt into the drink rather than just pop it on the rim :) 

Once luncheon was eaten it was back to our rooms for some calm before the storm; showers were had, hair was straightened, make up applied, clothes put on, taken off, replaced by others and me and my number 1 were knocking on the doors of our travel companions. 

Yes I am aware I have more than one chin and that I am mirror selfie - ing :) 
The 10 minute stroll from our hotel to the arena was pleasant enough, and we got to our seats just before the support act took to the stage - a band called Lawson who I didn't think I had heard of but I knew several of their songs. They weren't bad but the sound man really let them down, and needs to work on the amount of bass he allows - the thudding sounds drowned out any hope we had of hearing what they were singing. 

I thought it would seem weird there just being 3 of TT left, but to be honest I didn't even notice they were one missing (which is a shame as I've always like Jason). They were as good as when I saw them first with 5 members, and sounded as amazing with just the 3 of them. There were a couple of songs I would have left off the playlist if I was them, and a couple I have liked them to play, but they choose and we sing. I have to admit I wasn't sure how my number one would be with it all as it was her Mum that got me into TT and it was her Mum I always used to go with to see them, but the minute they came on stage, she was into it and looked like she was really enjoying herself; that was a wonderful feeling and a lovely thing for me to see/experience.  There was a section in the middle that I named Non's medley, as they played the 3 songs that remind me of her Mum. The first being the song played at her funeral (which is also the one my Number 1 sang at nursery school when they were asked to sing a nursery rhyme - the girl had no hope). The second was the song me and her Mum used to duet on - and on Saturday night I still sang the backing vocals; it wouldn't have been right to sing the lead ones as she always sang them - and the 3rd was the one song that reminds me of her Mum and always makes me smile when I hear it - that one actually bought a tear to my eye but it also felt like her Mum was stood next to me at that point; it was the closest I've felt to her since she passed which was a really wonderful feeling, tinged with sadness and happiness at the same time. 

The set was pretty spectacular and we had some cracking seats - the photo's make us look a lot further away than we were and the night was over way too soon.

When we left the arena we took a slow stroll back to the hotel via the airport where we bought ourselves a little picnic for a midnight snack - my number one and I did actually eat ours at midnight too. At just before 1 we called it a night; within minutes my number one was out for the count. I however, finally got to sleep around 4.30am thanks to this horrendous whining, whirring noise that got louder and dipped, louder then dipped all night. I finally found the reason was due to a draft that was blowing through the hotel door and was because the window was open only a little - it was as far as the hotel would allow as there was a limiter on it so it couldn't be opened further. Not really a very good system.

Finally nodding off, I was rudely awakened at 7.30am by some crap music playing really loudly - number one who had slept like a log all night had forgotten to switch her alarm off. Once I was awake that was it, so me and her had showers etc then walked to the airport and had ourselves a full english breakfast in Frankie and Benny's before going back to our room to sort ourselves out before we had to check out at 12 noon. We met the other 2 after we'd checked out, had a coffee then made our way to the train station and home again. A flying 24 hours but jam packed with much entertainment and enjoyment. 

This continued when I got home and my little brother picked me up, and came back home for a fish and chip supper with his hubby and our Mumsicle. 

I crawled into bed at 11.30pm a very happy little fat woman :) 

Oh.. I did ride the blue one (that has more red on it than it did when I was there last) and pole danced too - I couldn't hang myself upside down though this time :) 

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

I wonder sometimes

whether I have just surrounded myself with negative arseholes because I like having something to moan about (because I can't find anything on a normal day to.. hahaha) or if it's because I have some kind of magnet inside me that yells at them to "come get me"?  Honestly, there are just so many Negative Nellies that like to try and bring me down at times it's all getting quite boring. Today, however, they have failed. What they said has pissed me off slightly (actually it's pissed me off a lot, but I won't let it bring me down) and it's not enough to dampen the day for me, or take away my smile. 

I woke up at 5.30 in a really great mood (I know; at that time of day) and actually am still in a good mood - luckily for the guy that gave me some mouth from the safety of his car this morning because he wasn't man enough to stop and get out - I didn't actually see it as I was more intent on watching what was going on around me with other traffic, but the only thing he could have  moaned at me for was the parking space I slid in to, which meant he had to pull in from the over-taking he was doing, so he had no right to mouth off, but like I say he wasn't brave enough to man up to me, and I didn't notice anyway, so no biggie. How do I know he mouthed off? Because someone else was outside the shop and saw him mouthing but couldn't catch what he said. 

What happened today to almost put a dampener on my day? A "friend" and yes, the inverted commas really are needed (as they are with a lot of people these days that claim to be friends, yet who all seem to want something from me, or just want to see what shit they can stir up - there are several different groups: those that want something - me to pay for them to go somewhere that they won't bother to pay me back, or who want to go out for dinner but don't have the money, but will half-heartedly offer to pay their share: then there are those that just take enjoyment from trying to stir up as much shit as they can because their own little lives are so sad.. Of course there are also proper, true friends, who genuinely want me for my time and to share in their enjoyment; those that split bills, don't try to stir up trouble, and who accept me for all my little foibles (ok.. some are big foibles, but they still take me (and like me) for who I am). Those of the friends I am most grateful for, and whose company I enjoy above all others. Yes if I had to make a choice between any of them, they are the ones that would be chosen. 

Back to what pissed me off..   I do love going off on a tangent.. 

So; one of those "friends" popped in the shop earlier and while we were chatting (well they chatted while I listened; there was no point trying to stop them because they also fall  into the "look at me, it's all about me" group, of which there is no point trying to have your own voice, for they will completely cut you off, ignore you, and talk about whatever they want to talk about anyway. I used to think it was because I was boring and they did it because they didn't find me interesting (and maybe they still do) but I think it's just because they want everything to be about them, Or maybe it's because I go off track so much, like I am with this :) 

A song came on the radio (actually on the ipod, but it's a dab radio with a dock so easier to say radio) when this "friend" said how they were transported back to our teenage years, and how it reminded them of my first boyfriend (he's cropped up in conversations a couple of times in recent weeks). My "friend" then asked why we split and if we still talked. Told him why we split (6 of one, half a dozen of the other) but that we'd not spoken for years; not because we fell out as we split on really good terms and stayed friends after - in fact for years he was my mechanic and would fix my broken cars; he even came out to the middle of nowhere one night to rescue me when my clutch broke, so we really were on good terms; we just went in different directions and never got invited to the same events to see each other and have a catch up. 

We were chatting and reminiscing, and I said about how he was the only boyfriend I've had that didn't want anything from me (all the others screwed me for all they could get, leaving me with nothing - ooh, just like those "friends" I mentioned above) and he always treated me with the utmost respect (not just because our families knew each other, but because that's the kind of person he was/is). I have heard since that he bullied one of my childhood friends, which I never knew about at the time, and as hard as I find it to believe he could do such a thing, I also trust the friend 100% and if he said he was bullied by him, then he was. I can understand in a way why that may have been so - NO I am not condoning what he did in any way, shape or form, but I could understand why he may have. 

Back to him being one of life's good guys; in my world at least. The "friend" today then passed a really flippant comment and said "yeah well; when you're being groomed you would think the best of someone".  When I asked what he meant and why he said it, he replied "because you were 13 when you got together; he was 3 years older and you stick up for him and say what a great guy he was, so he must have groomed you; that's what blokes 3 years older than young girls do". I can't even begin to tell you how I reacted to such a thing; such a vile, nasty comment. He also said that in light of everything that's gone on with the Jimmy Saville stuff I could probably have him arrested. WTF? Just for the record, I said he was a nice guy because he was/is. There was NO kind of anything funny, iffy or anything else that could be misconstrued in his behaviour. When I stayed round his house I slept in the front room - his parents bedroom door opened into his bedroom so there was no way any funny business could have been going on for him to be grooming me. When he stayed at my house, he slept downstairs and believe me my parents were such light sleepers they would have known if something was going on and would most definitely have had something to say about it. He was always a perfect gentleman and we split (not because I wouldn't do what he wanted but) because I treated him badly. He was even willing to give me another chance, but I'm of the belief that if things don't work out the first time, they never will the second. Of course, now I think I was a fool to let him go, but back then I was young, had my whole life ahead of me and genuinely believed the grass was greener (at times it was, but mostly it's been brown and decidedly dead).

What I don't get is why my so called "friend" would think such a thing in the first place, but to then actually come out and say it. I am genuinely shocked; then again this is the same person that told me I must be a lesbian and need to come out of the closet because I happened to say once that I thought a movie star was a beautiful woman, so I guess from such a twat I should expect nothing else. 

Ooh; I have just had a thought (yes it did hurt my pea sized brain). I started this entry pissed off at someone for the things they had come out with, but now I am beginning to wonder if my "friend" was maybe trying to tell me something. Maybe they don't believe it was me being groomed, but them, and the only way they could tell me was by making it out to be about someone else and not themselves. Maybe I have been a bit harsh and mis-judged them; maybe that's also why they told me I needed to step out of the closet for my previous comment. Maybe, they need to be the one stepping out and have their own issues to be dealing with. 

No; there I go again always looking to find the good in someone, when in truth the "friend" is just a nasty piece of work who is bored and wanting to try and ruin my day. It's not the first time they've tried and I am sure it won't be the last.. 

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Would they be interested?

I came across this earlier when I was deleting old blogs and copying to this new one.. It's from 3 years ago when my best friend was dying of her cancer. If only I thought the police would be interested - it's too late now I know, but even at the time it wouldn't have bee worth it as it was only our word against his and the vile family he is part of - his older brother told me once he had lung cancer and asked me so many questions about it as that's what my Dad died of. It was only a year or so later I found out he'd never had it and was asking me so he could pretend to other people he did have it, so he could fleece them of money. They are a despicable family. 

The Police that is; very doubtful knowing what they are like where I live, but how I would love to be able to chat with them and tell them all that has been going on with D and that piece of shit that she was married to. If I was to contact them I think this is what I would write.. 

I have a rather odd query; or thing to share. I'm not sure and the reason I haven't gone down to a station is because I may well be wasting your time and it's easier to mail you first as you can walk away and deal with other things if you need to than if I was to come down and someone has to deal with me there and then and in one go. I also don't really want to get in to trouble for wasting police time (I believe I could get in to trouble for that?). Get on with it woman. I will have to give you some background details so this may be rather long winded. For that I apologise and hope you have a cuppa and some biscuits with you. Ok I'm wasting your time. Sorry but this is really hard because I'm not even sure there is anything wrong. Here goes. My best friend is currently battling cancer (in the past 2 weeks she has been told she's terminal). She is married to a vile creature (thankfully they have no separated) and I don't know why but a niggling voice in the back of my head is telling me that he was gradually overdosing her on the morphine she was given to help control her pain (phew.. there I've said it). He's a total control freak with a very aggressive personality who basically took control of her and her family. They only married in September 1010 after he came back to the UK from Canada (and I still believe he HAD to leave the country under some cloud of odd behaviour).

At the time my friends Mum was dying of cancer herself. Now stupidly they had a history before he left for Canada and she wasn't happy in the relationship she was in and before he came back they struck up a friendship again. This is where I think she got duped. He had nowhere to go when he came back to the UK. His parents (who are also vile and have sent some very nasty/threatening text messages to my friend) wouldn't take him in and he knew my friend had her own place and that with her mum being ill she was in a vulnerable position and I believe he used that (and her) to get him somewhere to live when he came back. No crime in that and it was her choice. At the time I thought him an ok kind of guy still. Then things changed.

Just recently a neighbour of hers walked into her house to find her writhing on the floor in absolute agony with him standing over her shouting abuse at her; thankfully the neighbour called an ambulance and she was taken into hospital, where she was told her kidneys have failed (something that can be caused by a morphine over-dose and he has control of her pain relief because he said he doesn't trust her with it). 

I didn't hear anything until the Wednesday but apparently she had been admitted on the Saturday.  She told me when I saw her this week that in the hospital when she came round and asked where she was he told her a hospital in the new forest. why he would do this is beyond me but I can only assume it was so none of her friends could visit; he had her phone and wouldn't hand it over and she was in no fit state at that point to argue with him - this is where another big lie comes in - when I asked him on the Wednesday why he hadn't phoned to let me know she was in hospital he told me he didn't have my number. Another LIE; he does have my mobile number, he also knows the name of my business so could have got the number. He had my best friends phone on him and she has my shop, home and mobile number stored on her phone, her daughter has my number. I am pretty much logged on to facebook 24.7 and at the time he was a friend of mine on there; my business also has a facebook page he is friends with so he had numerous ways to get hold of me.I always knew he was a bullsh**er but put that down to middle child syndrome and wanting to big himself up but didn't realise he was an out and out liar.

After this happened, my friends daughter took over and I believe the police were called to remove him from the property where a restraining order was taken out against him; that evening he called my home phone (proving he did in fact have my number) and was screaming abuse at me about her daughter. I finally hung up on him when he told me that her daughter "would be sorry" because he said when my friend died he was her next of kin and was therefore the one to organise her funeral; when I told him her daughter may have something to say about that, his exact words to me were "then I'll let her rot on a slab". This is a man that was meant to be madly in love with his wife saying this to me, one of her closest friends. 

I truly believe (from the bullying and abuse my friend told me she was suffering at the hands of him and his parents - his mother threatened to beat her 9 year old son, and I heard the piece of shit husband himself once threaten to knock him out when he was doing nothing wrong (believe me if he was in the wrong I would have told him off)) that he was in fact trying to kill her off with a morphine over-dose that he would have made look as though it was her choice. YES, my friend was dying, but after he was gone, she fought with all she had to have as much more time as she could get, so there is no way she would have tried herself; just the fact of what he said to me about leaving her on a slab, and the fact the neighbour found him standing over her as she was writing on the floor in agony, prove to me he was trying to. Sadly, yes she was dying anyway and I will admit I am an advocate for euthanasia if that is what the dying person wishes, but

I DO NOT agree with attempted murder; no matter what the circumstances. 

Sadly there was no proof that he was giving her additional morphine, and it was only our word against his so I never  bothered to contact them; the fact that just 6 months after she died he had a new fiance and she moved into my friends home - the one he forced her to sign over to him; the one he had her daughter removed from just a week after her Mum had died - shows just what kind of vile creature he is. 

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I've just had 8 days off (plus what's left of today) working only 4 days the previous week, having had 4 days off before that, because it feels like I've only had yesterday and today off. How is that possible? Even worse is that I don't feel as iff I have done or achieved anything during that time (although looking around our home I can see there have been some things that are completed -  but still so many left to do).  There just aren't enough hours in the day; tomorrow I'm back at work and it all starts again - fitting life in around the working day, rather than round the fun day (not that this week off has been fun as such - other than the day out on Monday which was tiring as I did the driving, and the one on my birthday; yep I had a birthday in the week and pootled down to Exbury Gardens in the New Forest - not somewhere I would choose to go again and more expensive than it is worth, but it was ok for somewhere to spend a couple of hours, and I took a couple of photo's (ok there were 3) I am pleased with) but the rest of the time has been filled decorating and walking the dog - a lovely pastime in itself :) 

I did catch up with some old friends yesterday when I was invited to a BBQ with them all; my friends kids (my godson included) and their girlfriends came too, so a few glasses of wine were drunk, some laughs were had. and I was again reminded of where I fit into the food chain of life.

Ooh; one exciting thing (well for me; probably not for any of you out there, and definitely not for those of you that don't like tattoos) but my alien is finally green :)  He's also had a few stars aded to his outer limits just so he's not stuck out like a sore thumb on his own :) 

And that ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, is that; the sum extent of my time off :) 

Swings and roundabouts

but not the park kind - the metaphorical (what a big word for so early in the morning) kind.

A few months back when yet another friend talked over me as I was saying something and twisted my conversation round to being all about them (something that happens to me so often I don't even bother trying to stop people any more). I know I talk a load of shit and am a bore, but sometimes so do others, but am I rude and talk over them? No! I show them the decency to let them finish no matter how uninterested I may be; that's because I was bought up with manners and don't need to make the world all about me - although this blog does just that, so maybe I do :) This particular day though I wasn't the only one to notice as another person who is also not an attention seeking, bad mannered person, was there to witness it and commented on it to me at a later date. I explained it's something that happens all the time and I've just got used to it. That's when it struck me. 

Why should I be used to it? 

Do I de-value myself that much? Do I think myself that unworthy of other's time, that I am willing to let them have so much of mine? Do I really believe myself inferior to them?

NO. I do not, and so that day I made a promise to myself; from then on I would start to treat people in the exact same way they think it's ok to treat me. 

I now read messages that people send me and don't bother to reply, or I choose to ignore the specific question they ask me and will talk about something else (it's amazing how many people do that and how often).  I invite people out on days that suit me and when they can't make it, will make a whole big deal of "oh; but I never get to see you any more" even though I get only a Sunday off and they have proper weekends, but always expect me to be free on the Sunday they choose to do something, and at the time they dictate to me. I know living with my Mum is difficult for having people round, but I am always expected to visit others, so now I offer them to come my way but meet somewhere else that I enjoy so they have to battle rush hour traffic to spend a few hours in my company; so that I get to go to bed as soon as they leave (almost) and don't have to then drive home late at night. It also means they use their fuel and not mine as I really have such limited funds even a 10 mile trip somewhere eats into my fuel allowance. I now play the whole "well I phoned you last time so it's your turn to phone me" thing that seems to be a big deal to people. As I am at work so much, and have so little free time, I often genuinely just don't get round to phoning people, but you'd think that made me the worst person in the world. I plan on ringing, but other things happen during the day/evening and before I know what's happening, I am planning to ring them the next day, and so the cycle continues, but the way I see it, if they were really wanting to see me, they'd ring me regardless of who rang who last time. 

Add to this I have now decided that if someone wants to go somewhere for the day or evening (theme park, concert, day out exploring) then they can now pay for it, and I will pay them back, because I am sick to death of paying out for stuff and being told "I'll pay you next week" and next week never comes. The best ones are those that tell me about something, wait for me to book then tell me they're not sure they have the money right now but will get it to me, then they never do. From now on I will be that person (not with everyone of course; there are some people that pay straight away and always share all the bills associated with days out) the one who says "I tell you what; I'll pay for dinner for you instead of giving you the cash". Then when dinner comes I won't have enough money for both of us (that's happened to me so often). The best are the ones that then offer to pay for something I am not interested in, or don't want, instead of paying me the money I've shelled out, and I am expected to be grateful they would do that for me.

Another big thing is that I am no longer concerned about sharing my opinion; if they believe their thoughts on something are right, then that is fine, but I will NOT then back down if I have my own thoughts on the subject also. The world is made up of differing thoughts, ideas and opinions. I am open to any of mine having a new light shone on them, and I will always try to be objective and give an explanation why I think differently - this is often met with replies of "you are wrong - you haven't got a clue; the best one being "well you're just jealous" and all other manner of derogatory comments. Just because I dared to use my own voice; what was I thinking?

There are those that expect me to take a day off work to spend their birthday with them, yet I never see them on mine. 

As a result of this new me I have noticed something very interesting. Certain people have become closer to me in my life, and I get to see them, talk to them, and enjoy their company far more than I did previously (maybe that's because they also share some of the people that have treated me as the lesser friend, so we have something in common). Other's however have suddenly become very distant and argumentative (more so than normal) They will also allow their other friends who don't know me to argue with me too over things (those crap things that get posted online and fb - you know the types?) whereas before they would have stepped in. I guess in a sense what I've found out is who is a true friend, and who has just been using me for their own entertainment.

Am I sad that because of this I may lose certain people from my life? Umm... that would be a no. There are enough negative forces in the world; I don't need the psychic vampire types sucking the life blood from me any more. Besides if they actually thought anything about me, they wouldn't behave towards me the way they do. My life is now about me, and not all about them and it is mighty wonderful. Now if only I was brave enough to delete those people on fb that I have because of another friend, that I end up having to be nice to so that someone else doesn't get a load of shit for me falling out with them from my life; it truly would be fab then :) 

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

What a fabulous

day out I had yesterday with the Nutty one for her birthday. In keeping with our tradition of trying to go out somewhere every month (was originally meant to be every other month but due to things we want to do cropping up that has changed - although next month is off the table as I am already out with other peoples and definitely can't afford 2 days a month - am struggling with 1) we headed off out to play.  Because it was the Nutty one's day she got to choose where we went this time, and her choice was the mystical home of King Arthur - Glastonbury.  Like Lulworth is to me, Glastonbury is to her, so at 9.30 on the dot yesterday morning I picked her up and off we headed; a slight detour to her Mum's was made so she could open her pressie before we got underway. 

Stonehenge taken by the Nutty one as we passed it by
By lunchtime we were parked up and heading into our first 'new age' shop; by the time we got to our 3rd I was so mellow and chilled from all the oils, meditative music and incense every shop was burning. If any of you fancy ever buying me some nice jewellery then head off to any of the shops down there; they all have some beautiful pieces, at fairly decent prices.  I love how most of the businesses are totally independent - very rare to find in this day and age.  The BEST bit while I was there was when some woman accosted me (in a nice way) in a shop, after she had followed me up the street to ask me where I bought the clothes I was wearing (yes there really were some strange people wandering around the place :) ) I've never in my life before (that I can remember) have someone tell me how nice I looked and that they liked what I was wearing :) 

Who put that telegraph pole in the way? 
By 3pm we'd exhausted ourselves and been into all the shops - a couple of them more than once - so had to decide where to go next; home or somewhere else to explore? We chose somewhere else. Seeing as we were so close to the caves, we decided to head off to Wookey Hole to see how busy it was; thankfully it wasn't which is a bonus with the kids being on school holidays. We booked our tickets for the 4pm tour, which gave us half an hour to make our way to the entrance (7 - 9 minutes walk away) and to have a nose at bits on the way, which is where I saw a little Robin sitting on a branch by the side of the path who didn't seen phased by us at all and was happily singing us some lovely little tunes. 

4pm arrived and we were the only 2 in the queue; the ranger/guide arrived and we were still the only 2 in the queue. The tour started and guess what? It was still just the 2 of us :)  We ended up having our very own private tour of the caves; the great thing compared to the last time I visited 12 years ago, is that now you can take photos (only IF you turn the flash off - but I don't like using a flash anyway so that wasn't an issue). It's not easy to get good shots without the proper lighting but I managed to snap off a few that I'm quite proud of. 

The very best part of the day though was the hall of mirrors and finally seeing an image of myself in one where I'm slim again.. hahaha.. been a long time since I've looked in a mirror and seen that :) 

From there we headed through Cheddar Gorge and stopped at every little parking area for a photo op for the Nutty one - I took a few but having been to Zion national park and seeing how amazing that is for a gorge, as lovely as Cheddar is, it's just not on the same level. I did however, love the proper Billy Goats that were wandering along the gorge edges; I tried to photograph them but they were hiding themselves in bushes so not easy enough to capture.

After leaving there we couldn't decide which was to go home; I was going to use the A303, the Nutty one suggested the A30, A36 and M27, so to keep it fair we got google to chose for us. I will NEVER do that again. Doris (that's what we named the woman that talks the directions) is an idiot and sent us down narrow country lanes, across country, up country, down country, and back again; talk about stress levels rising. 

We finished the evening like so many others by stopping at the pub for our dinner - thankfully they were still serving this time when we got there :) 

Tuesday, 7 April 2015


I am an aries - not that I believe any of that crap if I'm honest. With multi-millions of people (I'm sure someone out there probably knows the correct amount, but I'm really not that bored this evening) having the same star sign, I just don't get how the horoscope in a paper can be correct - also if you've ever looked at them you'll see all 12 say exactly the same thing but are just worded differently.  I'm also not athletic in any way (as they are meant to be) those of you that know me and see me will be able to attest to that - in fact here's a photo to prove it  - obviously I'm the big green one :) :)

I am independant and generous (too generous hence how I live in my overdraft and get shit on from great heights so often) but I'm not moody, self-involved, impulsive, impatient.. umm... wait a second...  ok.. so those traits are maybe true :) In fact I've just found this and I'm quite shocked by how true it really is.. It's like I'm reading someone's biography of me.. I'm genuinely a bit spooked as for 44 (yes I know it's nearly 45 but if anyone asks, this year will be my 35th birthday) but in all that time I've always thought about the star signs as complete poppycocks (what a word) and a load of rubbish; now I'm having doubts.. wait.. no.. can't do that.. it's not one of my traits :) 

Anyway; I am digressing (something I do a lot) :) Check out that link though; it really does describe me :)

The reason the whole aries thing came up today is because I was chatting with someone about the day (it's the day someone very special to me died 13 years ago) and I mentioned that it's the time of year. Best friend on 26th March, Grandad 27th March, The man I would possibly be wed to right now is today,  (we had a really odd 7 year on/off relationship that nobody could possibly have understood - not entirely sure we really did, but we always believed one day we'd end up married to each other; we never once had a cross word or argument in all that time. I've never forgiven his Mum for choosing my birthday as his funeral day - she told me it would mean I never forgot him.. like that would ever have happened to begin with) my lovely Nanny (she was so lovely she could never just be a nan) this Saturday and my Dad on Monday - now they didn't all die the same year (Best friend 2012, Grandad 1992, Louis 2002, Nanny 1985 and Dad 1993) but they all died at this time, and this time is?? That's right; during the star sign of Aries.  

It would appear that anyone I love dies during this time. However, this negativity also has some positives as I have 4 friends with birthdays on Monday (the day my Dad left this earth) so that happiness will over-shadow the sadness. Today I have my lovely bro-in-laws birthday so that negates more sadness and I was born in this month as was my cousin (the day after me - for years I loved that I was the older one; now I wish I was the younger :) ). There is another cousin the day after again, but I don't like her so she doesn't count - and a cousin later in the month but she is out of the Aries sphere. My childhood best friend has a birthday at the beginning of the month :) 

So as you can see, I think it transpires that if I love someone, they will die during the reign of Aries (as far as I am aware nobody else I love has passed in a month that's not during aries) so if you end up popping your clogs in the future during this time, be assured I must have loved you. If you don't? Well move along quickly.. you're not loved here.. hahaha

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Oh what a night

sang some group back in a decade at some point in time :) I do know, but right now the brain is a bit foggy and I can't be bothered to google it to see - it's not really important in the grand scheme of things. 

Don't get excited; it wasn't a night in a "wow; what a night" kind of way that leads to loads of gossip - in fact to anyone that might find themselves reading this, it was boring; but to me it was fab; alas it wasn't real - well not the really good bit; the rest very much was..  hahaha

First of all getting into bed last night was a feat in itself (the shoulder/neck/back issue is still occurring and is far more painful than it was yesterday - so much so that this morning I even popped some pain pills, and I don't take pills unless I really have to). Because I have one of those memory foam mattresses (which is comfortable and well worth the money it cost) I was able to get myself in a great position so that my aching body parts were supported; getting into that position though wasn't easy, as I couldn't put my arm down to balance myself, but I managed it eventually, without too much hassle to myself. However, at 3am, when the wind that had been blowing hard all night, pushed my bedroom window wide open I found myself in a right predicament. The slightest movement caused me pain that almost took my breath away; it was sharp, twisting and very much hurting :) Next to me the dog had stretched out full length, and then wedged herself under me too (she's like a door stop in that she wedges without fully disappearing under me) and because of the mattress I had sunk. Normally when I need to get out I will just push myself up, but the back/neck/shoulder stopped that, so I found myself having to roll, but because of the dog I couldn't roll the way I wanted/needed to. In the end I must have looked like a weeble (they wobble but don't fall down, don't you know?) because I was rolling from side to side, trying to build up enough momentum to propel myself out of bed (it's a good job I sleep alone and the dog doesn't know how to use a camera phone; I'd be the laughing stock of the interweb today if she did :) ) Finally, I was able to free myself from the mattress and made it to the bedroom floor; it was at that point I realised my mistake. The floor is the other side of the bed from the window, and it was the window I needed to be at.  Of course on a normal night I would just climb over the bed, lean on the window sill while pulling the window shut; but last night wasn't normal. My bed has no end and there is a fish tank (one of the many) between the bottom of the bed and the wall, so I had nothing to rest against, and even if I did it was on the side of my bad back/neck/shoulder, so I wouldn't' have been able to put pressure on it anyway. After 10 minutes of sinking (remember it's a memory foam mattress so each part of body that touches it sinks into it) and with much huffing and puffing from both me and the dog (who refused to move to make life easier for me, so I still had to try and climb over her) I got the window shut.  To get back into bed myself, I literally just had to let myself drop from where I was, hoping I landed on my side of the bed, and not the dog. I can't even begin to describe the pain that ripped through my whole upper body (from shoulder to shoulder, back to front and straight down the middle of my back) as I flopped down onto the mattress, but I think it must have been enough for me to pass out, as I don't remember a thing until I woke up an hour later to find the dog still in the same position, but I was on top of the quilt rather than under it, as I would have been if I'd stayed awake after my landing.

This then left me with a dilemma. I had to decide whether to risk moving so I could pull the quilt out from under me, then pull it over me (I was sure the heat would help with the neck/shoulder/back). I felt brave so tried moving, and gave up on that idea almost as quickly as I had it - thank goodness I'd been able to close the window because it wasn't then as cold for me as it could have been. 

Still lying there awake at 5 I almost considered giving up for the night, but it would appear the sleep fairies decided to give me a break; not only that the dream-maker paid me a visit and I had the most wonderful dream, that felt so real I was smiling when I woke up again, just before the alarm went off. Now I am fully aware that it was just a dream, but I also know from past experience that dreams can come true (they have for me often; although I hope the one from Saturday night doesn't - which was oddly an almost exact replay of a dream I had a few years ago) but even if the one I had in the early hours of this morning doesn't come true (I have no reason to believe it won't) it has made me realise again just how amazing life can be and put me in such a great, positive mood, that I feel I could take the world on and win today - of course the pain pills could also be making me feel invincible, but they won't take away the good feeling the dream left me with (and I'd not taken anything before I had that so they can't take the credit for it :) ) 

The only downside is that I was due to give blood this afternoon but when I contacted them to let them know what pills I'd taken I was asked to postpone (I guess they can't run the risk that someone who receives my red stuff might be allergic to the ingredients; I have re-booked though so all is not lost).

Actually there are 2 downsides because I bought new man tools last night, but with my back/neck/shoulder as it is won't be able to use them until I can hold them - I really wanted to play with my man tools :( I would say I could pop a couple of pills and then I wouldn't feel much for a couple of hours, but not sure I should be playing with man tools when I'm not totally in tune with myself, and it could hurt a hell of a lot more than it already does when the pills wear off :) pushed 

Monday, 30 March 2015

Who knew decorating

could be so bloody painful?

I know when it happened; it was the point I leant back on the ladder to reach a piece of wall that was above and behind me; that's when I pulled, twanged or twisted a muscle in my neck/back/shoulder area and it bloody well hurts I can tell you. 

There aren't many times in my life that I want a man around, but I'll be honest right now I could use a really good, deep, massage and a mans hands would do this much better than a females because they can get more pressure to the point it's needed.  It's my own fault though really; I should have done some neck warm ups beforehand, and had a nice soak in the bath rather than hopping in the shower last night; but we live and learn. Besides, how many other people warm up before they get a paintbrush out? Yes, I am well aware there will be a couple of you that have answered that you do; like the *friend* once that told me they warm up every time they get out their car to go for a walk, after I twanged my hamstring, when they were forgetting that EVERY single time they had ever been out walking with me, they'd never once made any effort to warm up - these people that want to tell lies, really do need to remind themselves they need a good memory if they are going to do so. 

If my stupid man tool hadn't broken on me Saturday afternoon when I was in full flow with it, then I wouldn't have been painting in the first place either to twang a muscle - damn those man tools :) I am off to buy a new one this evening to replace it but by the time I get home it will be too late to use it (they're quite noisy) and tomorrow I am giving blood when I leave work so won't be able to use it then as it will be too heavy to lift (after giving blood you can't lift anything for 24 hours). Then Wednesday the Grandfather is round, so I won't be able to do anything then so I will have all these man tools, but won't be able to play with them.. grrrr  :) However, the colour paint we got for the kitchen is amazing, and looks fab; had I not broken the man tools I wouldn't have found that out until next week :) 

On the subject of people with tools, I have today messaged someone about the 2 tattoo's on my wrists (the alien being completely the wrong colour with no definition and the flowers that are nothing like they should be). They've come highly recommended and I've seen their work so am hopeful the alien may finally be the colour he should have been to begin with, and the flowers might end up looking pretty rather than dull and clunky - but we shall see.  I'm sure I'll post photo's if they are sorted and look better. I know it means paying out more money that I don't really have, but walking round with art I'm not 100% happy with is not a good thing, and apparently this guy is well priced so it shouldn't cost me too much - she says knowing that my life doesn't really work that way and it will probably end up m costing me far more.. hahaha.  I'm hoping if he can do them he can fit me in when I have my week off in a couple of weeks; I only plans for 2 of the days so am sure me and him can work around each other to come up with a suitable time that works for us both :)

Adding to my pain - did I mention I need a damn good massage?? ;) is sage accounting package (I know it's not a physical pain, but believe me the bloody thing causes me mental pain all the time; I hate it). Last week Clive re-set it for me so I've spent 3 days re-adding 6 months worth of accounts, daily takings, invoices and all the other bits that have to go on there because for some reason the bank statements weren't reconciling. I finally got one to work (hurrah) for the very next one to tell me the last one wasn't in balance.  I have now decided enough is enough and I will hand over the 4 folders of paperwork I've been spending my time on to Clive, and tell him to get on with it. :) I know using sage we get our accountants bill cheaper, but I'd rather pay the extra and stick to quickbooks; that's a doddle to use. 

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

It's been 3 years

since I last saw my best friend alive; this time tomorrow it will be 3 years since her life ended. I know time flies by but how can it be 3 years already? 

I still pick up the phone to call or text her; I've not deleted her yet - I just can't bring myself to do so. She's still on my fb - although her profile has been deleted but I know that was done by her daughter so I can't remove her, it would feel wrong. Maybe that's silly of me; maybe thats just my way of dealing with her loss, and now it is her loss I feel. The anger I felt to begin with has diminished. I'll never lose that completely, but it's not directed at her, but at the piece of shit that she married. My hatred of him will never diminish, and I wish I had the proof I need to show that he was trying to kill her - the operation she had to have for her kidneys, I know was caused by him. The fact he left her lying on the floor writing in agony and wasn't willing to phone an ambulance prove to me he felt nothing for her; he physically and verbally abused her while she was dying - what kind of man would do that to a dying woman? How he told me when she died he would leave her "lying on a slab then" when he told me he would be the man to deal with her funeral and I told him her daughter would have something to say about that those; those were his words - I'll leave her lying on a slab then. What a despicable, vile piece of shit. I only hope one day he suffers; and suffers badly.  If only I had proof, but alas it's just my word against his and the police wouldn't be interested in anything I have to say; he's too clever and can twist things to make it appear as if he is the victim (I only wish he was).  I should have done more to talk her out of marrying him; her last few year of life were horrendous enough with the death of her Mother, illness of her daughter and dealing with her own cancer, but adding him to the mix made things 100 times worse. He is the vilest of scum and he should be the one I'm talking about as dying 3 years ago; not her. He should be dead (nobody would mourn him if he was, that's for sure) but he's not. He bullied her, abused her children verbally (I hope to god he never did it physically, but I'm sure he thought about doing so, he's that sick and twisted). He's living in her house with the woman he moved in less than 6 months after she died.  I only hope she doesn't have children, because my best friend wouldn't leave her kids alone with him; he threatened to beat her son at age 8 (as did his disgusting mother on another occasion) and the way he looked at her middle daughter used to un-nerve me; the things he said to her were very iffy too and I don't blame her for not leaving him with them. I'd never have let him nowhere near either of them. I am still angry as you can tell, but nothing like I was to begin with; even just a year ago this rant would have gone on for 10 pages. 

I wasn't there the day she died - I'd said I would leave work and go down as I knew it was her last day, but her other friends told me not to; they said she would still be ok and I had no need to leave the shop early. They were wrong, and I got the call from her eldest (my number 1) to tell me she'd passed away on the Monday afternoon - the 2nd worst call of my life (the first being the call from my bestie to tell me that Louis had died - that can't have been an easy call for her to make and I would never have got through that time without her).  The day before she died she was sleeping most of the time so we never got to speak, but I got to spend alone time with her and I filled the silence with many words of my own; the last words she ever said to me were when I left the evening before, and she had been dozing most of the evening and I'd only had 1 or 2 words out of her, but after kissing her forehead I told her I'd see her the next day, and as I walked out the room she shouted after me "love you". 

I am so lucky though to have so many amazing memories that only happened because of her; because we were friends.  I have the most amazing young woman (she's no longer a little one) in my life thanks to her; not many women would share their children, but she allowed me to build such a bond with her first born I feel like we're so much more than Sarah and Number one. I feel as close to her as I think I would be to a child of my own if I was to have any. Sadly due to her death and the younger 2's Dad being an arse, I don't get to see the younger 2 any more (not such a bad thing with the middle one as she's definitely got a bad chip on her shoulder and issues that need to be dealt with; I'd like to have helped her but their Dads attitude (and ultimately her's now) have put paid to anyone being able to help (he still owes me money for the funeral flowers he ordered for his kids) which is a real shame. I understand why she's behaved like she has (in one way) but in another I wish I could make her sit down and see how awful her behaviour is. Just the other week a friend of hers was telling her how proud her Mum would have been of her - her friend didn't know her Mum, had never met her. I knew her Mum, I knew her inside out, and I wanted to tell her that her friend was wrong; her Mum would be gutted to see how she's turned out. She was the child her Mum had such high hopes for; she believed she was going to go far in life, that she was a beautiful child inside and out but alas she's not turned out that way. Worse than being gutted her Mum would be disappointed but how do you tell a child that when she's dealing with grief? I'd like to shake her and tell her words I know her Mum would have said, but they would do no good. She thinks the world owes her a favour and sadly until she sees how awful her behaviour has been then that's not going to happen; the worst part about it is that her attitude and her falling out with (and upsetting everyone - she's upset many of her Mum's friends with her attitude and I know my number 1 will never have anything to do with her again because of how she's behaved towards her) but all this affects her younger brother; because of her he has now lost his older sister and his Mums' friends can't see him without his sister and nobody wants to see his sister because of her behaviour. My best friend would hate to see what she'd left behind; the devastation and destruction. The very things she hated in life that have taken hold with her death. My friend was the glue that kept it all together; if she was still alive and this all happened and was going on she would be dying inside. She would hate how things have turned out. 

This wasn't meant to be a rant about things; it was meant to be about my memories. Times that were fun, and until she married vile shit features, we really did have some fun times. We should still be having those times, but life doesn't ask what we want so I have to remember the memories and keep her spirit alive by remembering, and by smiling. We did some really crazy things and got away with doing crazy things to others too. She had the best sense of humour of anyone I've ever known, and when we got together we bounced off each other. So many evenings we laughed so hard we'd be in pain, unable to see through the tears, and short of breath where the laughter was coming so hard and fast our lungs couldn't keep up. For 20 years we spent pretty much every day together and not once did we ever have an argument; how many friends can say that? She bought out the best of me and I think I allowed her to be who she really was and that's why our friendship worked so well. The fact neither of us wanted anything from the other helped. So many friendships are built around people that want something from the other; in fact a lot of my friendships are built that way. There are those that want me for cheap flowers, trips out, nights out, holidays. Everyone seems to want a piece of me for their own gains; my bestie wasn't like that. She just wanted my friendship and if we went somewhere (anywhere) it was always a 50/50 split. If I paid for the hotel, she'd pay the fuel and food. If I paid for dinner one day, she'd pay for it the next. If I drove one night, she drove the next time we went out. We had an equal friendship; I've never had that with anyone before or since. She was unconditional in every sense of the word. She wanted nothing from anyone, but would do everything for others - this was her biggest downfall and saw her treated like shit by many people she treated as (and considered) friends (those people are a rant for another day).

She promised me before she died if there was such a thing as life after death, she would come back and prove it to me (we both used to believe there was such a thing) but as yet she's not come back, she's not shown me it's real and there has been nothing that's happened that would suggest she's dropped by so my faith and belief in the spirit world has been tested - is still being tested. I still want to believe there is and that she will show me, but she's had 3 years and nothing as yet, and as much as a wind up merchant as she was, I truly believe if she could have come back because life after death is real, even she - with her humour - wouldn't have left me this long.

Tomorrow will not be a day of sadness; I will remember the crazy things we did. I will laugh at the things we found funny, and I will spend the evening with my number 1 where we will remember her Mum but we won't dwell. We will talk about our lives as they are now, because after all is said and done, we are still here. We still have life and we have to live it; that's the best way to honour my bestie's memory. Life truly does go on :)

Monday, 23 March 2015

I went to London

and bought a heat magazine; actually I didn't technically buy it, the nutty one did, because I had only just got myself the coffee I'd been gasping for, for over 2 hours and I wasn't putting that down to go into a shop for anyone :) 

We planned the trip at the beginning of the year (we have trips planned for every other month for the rest of the year, with an additional one next month for both our birthdays; we'd do something every month but sadly funds don't allow us that luxury). Originally we were going to Longleat but it turns out it closes some days and the day we wanted was one of them. Must admit after working 17 days straight (and having done way MORE overtime than I anticipated - I wasn't even aware there were quite so many hours in a day) a day off was muchly needed, although with hindsight I should possibly have just stayed in bed all day.. But then if I had I'd have missed out on a great day in our capital city, and you only live once. 

Outside the Natural History Museum with my heat magazine :) 

Now, I will admit I am not a fan of cities and London is a place I usually avoid, but I fancied visiting the Imperial War museum so to London we had to go (we never actually made it to our planned stop, so will be going back). However, that morning as I was getting ready the news channels were making a big thing out of a toxic cloud that was heading our way and they were saying only to travel to London the day we went if you absolutely have to; I contacted Nutty to see what she wanted to do (secretly hoping she would say let's go somewhere else - I know it would have meant we lost money on our train tickets but we got such a good deal it was something I was happy to forego). She said she still wanted to so off we went. 

The train going up was busy but thankfully not packed out (I guess we went at the right time) and aside from being gasping for coffee (what kind of train doesn't have a buffet car attached? More to the point what kind of train station doesn't have a coffee vending machine before you get on the train?) we had a good journey up there. 

I was pleasantly surprised at how un-crowded it was (the thing I really hate about London is people) and we were able to make our way easily across the city to the Natural History Museum (we decided to go there on our way up). Stunning building on an architectural level, but I am so glad it was free to get in because had I paid, it would definitely not have been worth the money. The fact there had to have been over 30 different schools visiting with lots of little people, didn't help and because of this half the time we literally had to ignore things to get by them or we could have been stuck in a room with hundreds of kids for hours (not really my thing).  I'm also not really that interested in Dinosaurs, and the amount of taxidermy put me off a bit - thankfully I have seen the creatures they have in there in the flesh so I passed by those displays. 

After leaving there we walked over the road to the Victoria and Albert Museum - I could have spent all day in there and still not seen it all (I never did find the photography exhibition I wanted to find on the 3rd floor). I actually walked for over 3 miles while in the building and I am sure I didn't get to see half of it :) That being free is a bonus, but I would happily have paid to visit it and I personally think they should be charging. There was so much to look at, although I will admit the amount of pots they had on the top floor was a little bit too much; there is after all only so many pots you can view in one go :) 

Again the building itself that houses the V&A is stunning; I wish now I'd taken my new camera, but I was a bit wary about wandering round London with a decent piece of kit.  I have no idea what the building was used for before so will be having a nose around google at some point to see if I can find it out; I will also definitely visit again in the future, when I have more time. 

Finally after leaving there we hopped on a bus for 2 stops, and found ourselves in Harrods - my first ever visit to the store. It's an ok place and again somewhere we didn't have long enough to spend our time in, but at the end of the day it's also just a department store and I'm not a shopper. 

We did have some fun in the Disney department (which is nowhere near big enough) and lunch in the Disney cafe (we were definitely too old for that). :)  We also had ourselves some ice-cream in the ice-cream bit which I know has a name but no idea what that is - as you can tell I pay a lot of attention to such things. I'm not really an ice-cream person but I picked out one that sounded ok; however I ate very little of it as it was really sickly, but if you like ice-cream then it would be worth a visit (if you have enough funds as it was extremely expensive for what it was).

 He got angry :)  and Darth wasn't very helpful :) 
We didn't really plan our train back very well as we were booked on the 19.09 one which meant we then had to get across London on the tube during rush hour; what an experience that was, although I will admit again it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We'd already said if we couldn't both get on the same tube we'd meet the other end, but somehow we managed to squish our flabby bodies into a carriage; how people do that every day is beyond me. Aside from the obvious dangers of being so crammed in, it's not nice being pushed up against total strangers. People are also so bloody rude and ignorant. When we got to our stop the tiny lady in front of me wanted to get out but I could see she had a bag that was stuck so was giving her time to sort herself, as some impatient bint behind me was trying to shove me forward; needless to say the lady got her bag out safely. I understand the woman behind might have wanted to get home but she could have caused injury to the one with the bag, and for the sake of 20 seconds everyone got out safely. I think you have to be a certain breed of person to do London and I am not one of those :) The train was heaving and we were lucky to be able to find seating together as it had filled up so much; thankfully after 2 stops things thinned out and we were able to move to a better seating area.  

Had planned on eating in the pub when we got back (my car was parked up there) but by the time we got back they'd already stopped serving (earlier than usual but I guess that's because it was quite quiet in there) which was a bugger, so a packet of salt and vinegar crisps was had, and we left about 15 minutes after we arrived when we had been planning on staying for the rest of the evening. 

All in all though a good day out was had ;)

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

This could be a long one

so you might want to make yourself a cuppa and get comfy - I have a cuppa myself, but am perched on the awful wooden stool thing I have at work, so am far from comfy, but it will have to do for now. 

I am going to rant (ish). I may rant is what I should have said; what I'm really going to do is make a few observations and ask some questions (obviously I'm not expecting answers as I have no idea whether this post will be seen by anyone to begin with - so maybe I should have said I will be asking rhetorical questions). I did warn you it was going to be a long one. :)

I'm sure I've ranted about the narcissists and attention seekers that seem to be creeping into FB at an alarming rate, but just recently I've begun to notice it more among people I had never considered before. I've even perused the option that I could be one too - this blog in itself could also lend weight to me being one. However; what leads me back the other way (the way that I'm not and I'm really just some grumpy middle aged woman that likes to rant) is the fact that it doesn't bother me a single jot if nobody reads this. I don't sit and write this for anyone other than me (in fact for years I kept it private and all my posts were just drafts). All my life I've wanted to keep a diary (I know some people that write in one every night) but I've never been disciplined enough to keep one up together (or had the time) which is why I've never written the book I would dearly love to be able to write, but then blogging came along, and I realised if I was to start a blog in the way I would write a diary, I would be more inclined to spend time on it - and I do - so it's more for me to keep a track on what I've been up to, or how I've been feeling, than it is garnering attention from others. The only reason I ended up changing the settings so others could read it, is because one day I was talking about death, grieving, and how the pain never goes away, and I (in my narcissistic way) thought that maybe someone just beginning their grieving stage, feeling at their lowest, could possibly come across what I had to say, and they would be able to see that it does get easier (it never gets better) but you do reach a stage eventually where you are able to laugh again; to live again. I know when I reached my lowest point with my Dad (he laid the foundations for everyone that has followed) actually speaking to someone that had been through the various stages, helped me to deal with certain stages when they arrived. I never knew about the anger at the person that had died - had I known when I was going through it, that it was all part of one of the stages of grief, I may have not had such guilty thoughts and feelings for being so angry. 

Anyway; I'm not really here for that (I just wanted to see if I was an attention seeking narcissist or not and I don't think I am - your opinion may differ). 

What's got me on one this morning (and for the past few weeks) is attention seeking from others - or more their ignorance (yeah; I think that's what pisses me off more - ignorance). 

I'm one of those people that will share a lot on fb (no; really, I do :) ) - I find it's a great way to keep in touch with people, and to catch up with those you may have lost touch with; I do have my phone connected to it most of the time, and I log on when I get to work. Not because I want the world to see I'm there, but because some days I can spend 10 or more hours in the shop on my own; having fb logged on gives me the feeling that I'm not totally alone - there is life inside the computer I can access at any time if the solitude at work is too much.  It's an odd kind of place though, where I've certainly got to see people in a different way to how I thought they were. People I've known for years appear at times more angry, sad, pathetic or downright ignorant than I ever thought they were, or have experienced them in the real world. I post random stuff on my account - some of it gets responses; some of it doesn't, but one thing I have never, and will never do is post something just looking for attention. If I want interaction with people I'll either send them a private message or respond to something they've posted. This is where the really annoying (piss me off) side of fb and people come into play. I have some friends that will deliberately post things they know are going to wind people up the wrong way (religion and politics being particular faves of some). To be that desperate for attention when you have a family and big network of friends I find quite sad, and in a way I feel an odd sympathy for those that do, but at the same time I want to shake them and tell them if their life is that bad then change it. 

Then there are those that have a crush on (or blatantly fancy someone on their fb) and will put up status posts related to that, in the hope the person will see it, realise it's directed at them and they'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. WTF is that all about? To the person who's not on the receiving end, it's reads like desperation and is reminiscent of kids in the playground. As a grown up (adult) if you like someone, get off your arse and tell them. Don't play the cryptic route and then whine to friends that you seem to be getting nowhere, or that the person you like obviously doesn't like you. They may not even know your status is about them. If the amount of death that's surrounded me from people close to me that have died so young, has taught me anything, it's that you can't sit back and wait for life to come to you. At the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen is the person you desire doesn't look at you that way. If they are a decent person (or good friend to begin with) they will continue to be so and in time you will both laugh about it; if they're not and they get shitty about it, or start to blank you, then know what a lucky escape you've had because they're an obvious twat and move on; either way at least you'll know and won't waste a year or 2 of your life wondering, and then being gutted, if they meet someone and move on with their life. 

Now the cryptic's (I actually got told by a friend once that I had been posting quite cryptic status updates - when I asked the friend why they hadn't posted at the time on the status to let me know it was (at which point I could have answered what it was all about - I really am that honest and transparent) so we could have moved on, they said they just thought I was messing about, but there are those that will post cryptic's and ignore all comments and questions from people; they really piss me off. If you don't want to answer people, don't post the bloody status in the first place. That is total attention seeking; ooh look at me, I'm going to get you to notice me, but once you do, I'll ignore you. If you don't want to share what's going on, then don't post anything. It really is pathetic - although not as bad as those that will reply to a cryptic comment question with the words "I'll PM you". FFS - I'd expect that of a child (maybe) but an adult? Again if you only want certain people to see select things, only share with those people. Don't share with everyone - unless of course you are seeking people's attention, at which point you become pathetic. I recently saw on my news feed someone posted about looking forward to going out that evening; half an hour later when it got no response they posted about how they were looking forward to going out and having a catch up. An hour later another post showed they were already out; that evening when they got back the next post was along the lines of "oh my; I wasn't expecting that". This was the post that finally got a response, with someone saying "ooh do share". There never was any sharing and the next day another status similar was posted. That is just so sad and ignorant as can be. 

I think I've said before (I am getting on a bit so often repeat myself) but I have my fb set up so I can share with who I want; there are some things I'll share on there that I don't want my Mum or older relations to see (not because I'm keeping things hidden, but because I couldn't be doing with the 20 questions that will follow). There are grown up style status updates I may not want the kids to see (especially if I've used bad language - rare, but it happens) so they will be stopped from seeing such updates. As much as I can be an open book about things, I can also be very private and I choose what I share on fb and who I share it with, just as I choose who I share what with in real life (I know fb is real - sometimes - but you know what I mean?) Yes I share photo's of places I'm out and about with friends, and I'll tag myself at places with people (sometimes just so a certain group of people that know me don't get on at me to get out more, because they think I spend all my time at home watching tv or reading books - they think that because I don't share my life with them, no matter how much they think I do, or how well they think they know me - and believe me some of them think they know the whole, real me, when they haven't got a clue). I keep a lot of my life private and share with only select people. I can guarantee over 90% of people have no idea I had an odd 6 year part-time relationship with a guy in Andover, that only really ended about 18 months ago. When friends were telling me I needed to get out more, they didn't know I wasn't even at home. I'd laugh some mornings when I could see some status updates, with friends complaining about the traffic they were stuck in on their 4 or 5 mile journey to work; I could have been sat on the A303, or A34 for over an hour, worrying about whether I was going to make it to the shop in time to open up, and they had no clue (mind you I did try to stick to Friday and Saturday nights only if I was staying over), so while I'm being told I live my life over fb and people always know what I'm up to, they actually have no clue what I'm really doing - they only know what I want to share; however, I won't share unless I am willing to commit to that share 100% which is why it pisses me off when people play cryptic.

My last rant (this hasn't turned out to be quite as long as I thought it would, although there is still time for it too) is the ignorants that don't like it when people act the same way to them. The worst thing about a lot of messaging services these days, is that they will show you when someone has read the message that's been sent to them. This is the biggest piss me off thing going. Sometimes I will get a message and I'm at work; I may be busy, but not enough that I can't stop to read the message that's come through. in case it might be important or urgent (yes I know a phone call would signify urgent, but some of my friends may not have enough credit to call, but can access their messaging services without it affecting their phone balance). If I read it and it's not something that needs an immediate response I will pop it to the "to-do" list, once I have finished all my work jobs. I never fail to reply, but don't always do it immediately. I expect my friends if they don't reply to a message I send straight away don't do so because they've glanced, seen it's not important and will respond later. However; those same people that don't respond to me straight away, still expect me to do so to them the second I read the message. I've had it before where I've not replied so 15-30 minutes later another message has been sent asking if I received the message ok (they know I have because their service tells them I have). Luckily if I can see it's from the same person I don't bother to open and will read the 2nd message when I'm ready to respond to the first; in doing this though I've then had a whatsapp message bleep on my phone, from the same person asking if I got the 2 earlier messages on fb from them? In opening the whatsapp, they can then see I've read it, so if that's not replied to it's followed up with a text asking me why I'm ignoring them - I'm not; I'm just trying to run a business. These very same people are the ones that will read my message, and not reply (I have no problem with that) but what does piss me off is that will then spend the next 8 hours posting crap all over fb, and when they finally do reply they'll come out with some crap like "sorry I didn't reply earlier; I've been so busy I didn't have time to stop". NEVER lie to me; just tell me you didn't think it was urgent so got on with sharing your crap first. I can't stand people that lie when it's obvious they are lying. 

I can't even begin to tell you what I think of those that get on their fb and share the status "I'm deleting my account after today for personal reasons" and who then either don't delete it after everyone has sent them comments asking why or not too (these are never responded to from the status poster) or a week later they will re-activate their account and their first status back will be "I'm back; did you miss me?" Nope - didn't even notice you had gone you attention seeking twat. 

Will I share this post? No idea until I go to close it down (google does share it to my g+ page the minute I hit publish though, which is another thing that pee's me off because I then have to log that page on to delete the post, if I don't want everyone to read it and only want to share with a select few).  I probably will share it, but not because I'm looking for attention; more for those that might see a part of themselves in it and realise their actions at times do affect others - mind you I guess a proper attention seeker or narcissist would never see themselves as one of the people I've ranted about to begin with, so therefore I once again make myself look like one - maybe I really am after all.