Monday, 6 July 2015

In the words of James Brown

I feeeeeeeeel good... actually, I feeeeeeel GREAT (more Tony the Tiger than Mr Brown). Even better than that.. I feeeeeeeeel AMAZING.. I really do.  The reason for this amazingness, is not just my 6.5lb weight loss. but also I slept on Saturday night for 6 hours straight. That NEVER happens to me (yes the shouting was needed to get my point across then :) ). Alas last night was back to normal so I do feel a bit tired but still amazing, and while the weight loss was really good, it's still less than I'd normally lose on a first week, but this time round I want to lose it slower; I think part of my problem of not sticking to things before is because I've lost so much in such a short space of time, that I then think it won't matter to be bad once or twice (that takeaway won't hurt, or the bottle of wine turns into 2 or 3 and before I know what's happening I'm back where I started). This time it is for life (yes I do have a weekend away planned where there will be bacon sandwiches for breakfast, but I know that in advance and can plan for it so I am prepared). Someone said to me this morning "but you've been in this position so many times before" (relating to the weight loss you pervs :) ) and it's true, I have, and each time I say it's different, and each time I mean it when I say it, but this time I don't feel like I'm on a diet; I'm not restricting anything, I can eat what I want, when I want. Some foods are completely unlimited which means I can eat as much or as little of those as I choose and I think that is a psychological thing, because I know I can eat so much, I make the choice not to :) I'm not doing this for anyone else, not because I've been told to, because someone has made me feel worthless as a fat person, or because I want to find myself a man. I'm doing this because I want to, and when I wanted to stop biting my nails I succeeded, and when I wanted to give up smoking I gave up, so maybe, just maybe, this time it really will be different :) I want to buy the red dress I've always promised myself - just because I don't have anyone to take me anywhere in it doesn't mean I can't get myself small enough to fit into it and maybe that makes a difference too. Before I'd think that there was no point because there was nobody to take me out wearing it; now I know that doesn't really matter. It's not about anyone else; it's all about me. 

Another thing I'm doing differently this time round, is drinking water. I always hear about how we should drink more, but have never really enjoyed it; until now. Sometimes to make a slight change I'll stick it in the sodastream and give it a bit of fizz, other's I'll add a splash of sugar free summer fruits squash (the robinson's one is delicious) but mostly I drink it just as it is (after it's been in the fridge a while; warm water or straight from the tap is minging). I even downloaded an app to my phone to make sure I drink enough each day to keep me hydrated, and when I can see I've not had enough I am choosing to swap a cup of tea or coffee, for a glass of water. I've NEVER (shouting needed) done that before. I used to worry it would make me pee more, but I've learned that it doesn't; however, when I do pee, I can pee for England, but at least that means my kidneys are working well :) I've also noticed it's making a difference to my skin; now if I could just sort out my dry, almost blurry eyes, then I'll be well on my way to being sorted :) 

I'm off to the docs tomorrow for part 2 of my mot check ups - this one involves blood tests, and I know they are going to comment on my weight, and tell me I've most likely got diabetes and high blood pressure because I'm a fat bint, like they usually do, and maybe they're right this time but I'm hoping they're not, and I know by making the changes that I am making, and by losing the weight those chances will diminish; as will the likelihood of me dying young, and if I'm totally honest that is the thing spurring me on more than anything. Yes it would be nice to finally find someone that thinks me attractive (I really will need to lose quite a bit before that happens) but that's not the reason for doing this. Aside from the red dress (which I really have promised myself for the past 20 years) I really do want to live as long as I possibly can; there are still so many things I want to do with my life, that to pop my clogs early would really piss me off, so anything I can do to help prevent that, I am going to try my hardest; I'm lucky I've made it this far really, but I'd love to make it a whole lot further if I can :) 

I know realistically it is going to take me until this time next year to get to the target weight I have set myself, but even each ounce lost over that time is going to help take some of the pressure off. I know it's not going to be easy (alcohol being the hardest part as that really does pack some cals) but I've quit so much else in life, that this really should be a walk in the part; especially as I don't actually have to quit anything; I just need to keep a check on it and limit my intake :) 


Tuesday, 30 June 2015

All is not as it seems

When I sat down to write an entry today, the plan was to rant - I know; so unusual for me. I was going to rant about neighbours that went above and beyond Sunday to PISS ME OFF - I really did need to shout then. I was going to rant about *friends* - yes the little flowery star things are also needed - and how so many seem to think it's ok to shit on me, talk about me, make up lies and stories about me, and some even try to use other people against me (I may still sneak in an odd moan but not a rant). The only thing I will say is that it's NOT an affair when both people are single (again the shouting was needed) and for the record I'm not having an affair that's not an affair; this is just another sad story going round about me. However, accuse me of something enough and I might just do it so they really have something to talk about :) I was going to rant about *friends* - those little flowery stars again - that seem to think I am their personal credit/debit card (how I'd fit into their purse or wallet is beyond me, but I can't really rant about them, when I'm the idiot that lets them do it to me - ok; I may have a little moan further down). I was going to rant about how sad I felt when I realised that pretty much 90% of my fb friends don't bother getting my status updates (if they had they would have known I'd asked a favour) but I can't get rid of a lot of them because of the fall out for others. 

Then I stopped, and decided to eat my breakfast before writing anything - I had a nice crunchy pear and a really sweet, juicy nectarine for those of you interested; the nectarine really was very juicy :) While eating said juicy (did I mention it was tasty too?) fruit, I was taken back to some sad news I heard from someone last week, and this again bought me back to reality and made me realise that while I can rant, nobody likes a miserable person, and the only person really affected by my ranting is me. I'm the one that makes me miserable if I let all these things and people get to me. By ranting about it all I effectively give them some weird kind of warped power over me, and they are NOT (again the shouting was needed) worthy of my time or my energy. I've spent too much time stewing over the nasty bits, I've neglected the good bits. I am aware the hormones are playing some part in my moods. Also having an internal thermometer at the moment which appears to be set as high as possible, added to the external temperatures being so warm are also factors in my short temperedness (I really do HATE - yes shouting is needed - the heat). Also the lack of sleep I am getting is also playing a factor (last night I managed 2.5 hours spread out over an 8 hour period) but even they are not an excuse for me allowing people to treat me in the way they do. 

Even after saying I wasn't going to give these people my time any more, I've allowed them 2 paragraphs. Pfffftt...  

Now; the nice bits. :) 

Last week I sent a friend a message, because while laying in bed at some ungodly hour of the night - or was it morning? - I had a moment when all the shit stuff was going through my head again (I say moment but of course you know I mean a good few hours?) when it struck me that of all the people in my life - past and present - one has never asked me for anything (as I was saying that I realised there is another - cue Star Wars moment, although the other is relatively new in a way to it all so although that person counts in a big way, they weren't part of the epiphany - they are however, very important to me in my life as it is these days, are someone I really think the world of, and someone I hope will be in my life for a really long time to come - the things I am about to share about my other friend, also apply to the newer/older one).  As I was saying, the epiphany friend has never asked me for anything, other than my time as a friend. Whenever we've been anywhere we've treated each other as equals in every sense of the word. We've never knocked each other in front of people, said things about each other to other people, and nobody has ever tried to use this friend against me, in the way some people have tried to use other friends; shoe on the other foot, nobody as far as I'm aware has tried to use me against my friend either. The reason for that is because anyone that tried, would fail, and I am sure those that would want to try would know they really would be wasting their time. It struck me just how lucky I am to have this person in my life (I've always known it and have told many people that know me this friend is the one person I know I could call on for help no matter where they were, or what they were doing. I would never call on them, but it's nice to know I could, and the same thing swings back the other way; there aren't many people I would run halfway round the world for, but this one friend I more than would).  Because of my whole philosophy these days on telling people that matter, that they matter, in case something happened and I departed this life before I was ready, I told this friend exactly what, and how much they mean to me. I tell people I love them all the time because I really don't want to pop my clogs knowing people may not know how I felt, but I've never really thanked a friend before the way I did last week. I expected to get a "you daft cow, what you on about?" response, so it made it even more special to me when I got a lovely reply back. I got a warm, fuzzy feeling knowing that at least one person knows how much they mean, and that without them my life could have taken a totally different route. They've given me so many wonderful memories and shared many of my happy times with me; for that I love them dearly (in a non-lovey way) and am so grateful to have them in my life. Those are the friends I should be concentrating on.

Thinking about that friend (well there are 2 of them if you read the small print between the lines and the other one will know who I mean when they read this) took me off in a another direction as I was thinking about those friends that get me to pay for things with the proviso they will pay me back.. hahaha.. and no, I'm not ranting but this bit needs to pave the way for the next. I've no idea where these people think I get my money from when they say "I'd love to go but don't have the money on me right now, so can I pay you back as soon as I have it?", What I should say at that time is "I'm really sorry, but I don't actually have enough to pay for myself as it is, so either you pay me now, or I'll find someone else that can come". These are people that know how dire my finances are (I got paid today and am more overdrawn for the start of July than I was for the start of June and not a single bill has been paid yet) and still they expect me to go deeper in my over-draft to pay for them as well; and still I do. These are also the friends though that say to me "you know you can talk to me about anything, at any time" then when you do start to talk, will cut you off in mid-flow to tell you about their cousins, nephews, aunts, friends, workmates, nieces, ex, who just happens to have something far worse happen to them than you have, or who's relation went through something 10 times worse than yours did, and you end up wondering when it became a competition about who had what, and then don't bother to talk to them about anything any more.  However, these kind have been counteracted in the past 10 days by 2 others who have actually done for me, what I normally do for others. 1 of them sent me a message to say that Duran Duran are playing in Bournemouth in December, and she asked if I would like to go, to which I replied "of course". She then offered to spend the time on the phone to get tickets and paid for mine while ordering hers; I did transfer the money to her that very evening, but the fact she offered to pay first was a huge bonus; mind you having said that when we went to TT last month she paid for the tickets, I paid the hotel, so I should have expected nothing less from her. She's all about doing it right. It was just nice to be on the receiving end for a change. 

I was also on the receiving end for 2 other outings - those of which I have still to pay for. I got a message from a friend to say she had booked for a few of us to head off somewhere, and she'd paid the full amount, then sharing how much we had to pay and so I asked for her bank details so I could transfer the money to her and she told me "not to worry" and to pay her when I see her; that won't actually be until one of the outings which makes me feel bad as it's not a small amount of money; however, I also know that another friend who is going (the one that gets the mention along with my real friend in the start of my good bits) will have already paid for both of us (yes I know you probably have; I'm on to you) and that makes me feel even more appreciative to have such people in my life. They both know they will get their money (I've never not paid my way in my life) but it's so lovely to have people like that who are wiling to put themselves out for me first, when it's usually the other way round. 

So in essence, rather than concentrating on the negative, which only gives me bad heads, makes me miserable and generally ruins my day, I shall be thinking about all the good there is in my life and how that good can make up for all the bad just by being there, whether I'm in their company or not. Life is always so much better when I concentrate on the positive, and I really do have so many things to be positive about; time to say goodbye to the negatives again, and start to enjoy. I was having a pretty amazing life until I let all the negativity back.. so join me as I say Hello to happiness :)  :)  :) 

Oh; and if you're reading this and thinking you could be one of the bad friends (either to me or someone completely unknown to me) you might want to ask yourself "why?" you are thinking that about yourself, because the things I have said can apply to so many different people, yet not apply to exactly the same people at the same time; those it does apply to will already know it's about them, for I will have told them (except maybe that person.. or possibly the other person :) hahahaha .. in fact would I have told them at all, for some seem to think the only way to communicate is via other people and never by going direct to the source - which is me by the way) but if you think it could be about you maybe you should consider what kind of friend you are to people. 

Ooh; ooh.. The weight loss... yeah.. hahahaha.. it didn't really happen (same old, same old) lost 1, put on 2, stuck to my calories like shit sticks to a blanket. Spoke to doctor about it on one of my many appointments, to be told at my age and because of what the hormones are going through it's to be expected. Well I disagree, I don't expect it, I don't want it.. I was big enough to begin with so I signed up with Slimming World again.. people seem to do well on that and they aren't as restrictive so I'm hoping to lose some, and keep the loss off this time.. I do have a weekend away planned in the not too distant future that may involve alcohol one evening and possibly bbq food, but it's just one weekend out of many, and I will still try to be good :) 

Friday, 19 June 2015

What an AMAZING

day - something I seem to say a lot these days, which can never be a bad thing :) Maybe I'm not as miserable and grumpy as I thought I was :) 

What caused this newest amazing day  A day out at Longleat with the Nutty one is what.  Aside from the weather (a wee bit too hot for my liking when we were in a car with no air-con - of course I wasn't going to take mine when I knew we would be going through the monkey enclosure.. I may look daft, but really?). However, I guess had it been colder then a lot of the animals would have gone inside, so for the heat and sweaty Betty moments it was worth it :)


Traffic was on our side once we got past Southampton, which meant we arrived at the park earlier than planned, and before it was technically open, but they let us in anyway - always a good sign.  When I've been there before we've not stopped at the African part, choosing to drive through the Giraffes instead, but yesterday we stopped and I am so glad we did. The Nutty one hand fed a Giraffe (when I say hand fed, she held a piece of tree branch and nearly lost an arm when the Giraffe yanked at it so hard). I had queued with her originally to also feed one, but decided I really needed a coffee more, but that worked out better in a way as it meant I was able to get some pics of her feeding one, but also take more pics of the other giraffes while everyone else was clambering for a feed :)  Having not stopped there before meant I knew nothing about the Lemurs, one of which really made me laugh. Talk about having a laid back approach :) He also had the look that said "You wanna take my piccie? Click away humans, click away".. I could imagine him later with an iced Margarita laughing with his fellow Lemurs about how easy to please us humans were. 


Next up came the monkeys; always guaranteed to entertain. We weren't even 20 feet into their enclosure before they were on the car. There was pooping on the bonnet, swinging from the rear wiper, and banging on the roof, but they didn't actually do any damage which was a huge bonus - I could have taken my car had I known they would be so well behaved.  The teeny tiny baby ones were just too cute for their own good as well.


However, no matter how funny the monkeys were they were not a patch on the laughs the deer gave us. One in particular seemed to be a bit of a wind up merchant, who I had a pretty intense argument with. The Nutty one was in hysterics when said deer actually poked it's tongue out at me. At one point I thought he was going to get in the car with us. Such a funny experience (he was on the 2nd drive round we did - first time was good but not quite so funny). Well worth paying the pound for a cup of feed for them.



Actually most of our best photo's and moments came on our 2nd drive round - the first was amazing enough; the 2nd totally phenomenal. It was definitely worth foregoing the maze and not hunting for the fruit bats.

I do love a rhinososserus, so was mighty chuffed on the 2nd drive when all 4 were stood just off the road on my side of the car - another massive benefit of not driving was being able to snap off as many photo's as I could.. didn't know until I uploaded them this morning that I took just under 1300; in one day.. eek. We were also blessed to see the Elephant, who doesn't often venture out of her house, which is where we saw her, but apparently it's very rare to catch a glimpse of her.



The big cats though; well, they just blew my tiny pea brain mind. I had never seen a tiger in the flesh; all the zoo's and wildlife parks I've visited in my life, and the tiger has been the one creature to allude me. Until yesterday. First time round we saw them and they were in the distance laying against a perimeter fence. I was more than happy with that. I could zoom in to a point and see what I was photographing. That would have been enough. However, on the 2nd drive I will admit I almost cried; I'm blaming the hormones, but I felt truly blessed for a tiger walked out of the long grass, across the road and the car in front of us, and laid down on the grass next to us. She was no more than 10 feet away from us. She was sideways on but oh my; to be so close. That was the icing on the cake until we got round another bend to see another one lift her head up from behind the grass she was laying in. She was about 15 feet away from us, but I got some amazing full face shots of her. Talk about being really lucky (after what happened before our 2nd go round which I'll share in a mo, I may now believe in good luck). I think a third of my total photos for the day, were taken of those 2 tigers.


Never thinking it could get better, and that the shots I got of a male and female lion laying side by side on our first go round were wonderful, I was to learn things really can get better. For the 2nd drive we came across a pride laying on the road side, with both males next to each other. I managed to get a pic as they both lifted their head and looked in our direction. Literally as we pulled away, so they moved. Had we been 30 seconds later we would not have seen them. Talk about being lucky. The exact same thing happened with the Cheetahs (I can take or leave them, but know the Nutty one loves them). We had one walk right up to the car before moving behind us. Literally all that was between us and it was the metal of the car. To be so close was just wonderful.


The only disappointing thing on our first drive round was that we never got to see the wolves. Well, we saw the very top of one's back as it walked through long grass, so that kind of counted but not really. Then, as with the rest of trip 2 we turned a corner, to have one walk in the road in front of us, while another slept at the very edge of the road. Again I was about 8 feet away from it. I was almost made a believer yesterday. It did seem weird that we'd toyed with the idea of whether to go round again or not, but something told us too. So glad we listened, because that was the best drive (the monkeys were more fun first time) so we really got the best of both worlds.


I was a bit gutted by the Penguin Island. All week I'd been looking forward to it as the website makes it look as if you can walk with them through their whole enclosure and touch them too, but you can't. They have a 20 feet long fenced in path that you are allowed to enter when told, shuffled along and not allowed to touch them in any way. I never even bothered to walk through as you couldn't really stop to take a photo either.


The other birds though; oh my they were amazing (I used that word a lot to describe yesterday's shenanigans). Rainbow Lorikeets is what they are, and they really are bright, vibrant, rainbow coloured birds. Again they charge you extra for a pot of food for them, £1 for a cm worth of some nectar, but it's £1 well spent as they will fly at you, land on you and chomp away while sitting on your arm. Now, the downside to that is their bums are also on you and the one I was feeding thought it would be a good idea to shit on me as he fed, so I ended up with warm, runny bird poop all down my arm, dripping off my elbow and finger tips. "It's good luck" everyone told me, and as it happened before we drove round for a 2nd trip, maybe they were right, for we truly were very lucky. I have bought a euro millions ticket for tonights lottery though; just in case that luck decides to continue for another day or 2 :)


The day flew by, and the 7.5 hours we were there really wasn't long enough, but hey; it's an excuse to go back another time. Yes it was expensive (we got our tickets for £28 each online, but it's dearer to buy at the gate) but when you take into consideration the costs involved in running such a place, and for the amount of fun we had while there, then it's not a lot at all. I have been there in the past and not seen a single animal (except for an odd zebra bum) but that's a chance you take. Even not seeing anything it's worth it for the experience. You could waste that money and things far less entertaining. I don't think I could ever beat yesterday for the animal side, but you just never know. I'm already saving to go back.


One other bit of good/exciting news (to me at least) that happened yesterday was I got tickets to see Duran Duran in December. No, I really can't afford all these things I've been doing, but I really will be dead for a long time and I don't want to die regretting not taking chances that are offered.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Sat at work

trying to do everything possible to take my mind off the fact I am booked in for a smear test in 2 hours time. I was about to say I didn't need to tell you that, but you know what? I really did, because regular screening can help save lives and for those 5 minutes of embarrassment (which let's face it is only in our minds, because the nurse doing it has seen many women's bits over a long period of time.. and at the end of the day I am sure it's worse for the nurse than for those of us having to go through it) and the uncomfortableness of it (not painful for those of you that have never had one and may be worried about it, but it can be a bit uncomfy) but if it means any potential cancerous cells are caught early enough to save a life, then it is so worth putting yourself through it. I've never missed an appointment in all the years they have been offered to me, but since my best friend died of cervical cancer it's more important than ever for me to get checked - I truly believe they should lower the age limit as well and tests should possibly be every 2, rather than 3 years. If you get the letter telling you to make an appointment, then you really should make one. Don't put it off; your life is worth more than those 5 minutes. There are so many cancer's that you can't do much about as there is no pre-screening to find them and you only know you have them once it's too late, but cervical is one that you can get an indication of - it's not 100% foolproof, as nothing is - but if it's caught early enough it can be cured. Don't let your best friend be sat there one day missing you like mad, because you didn't take those 5 minutes out of your busy life to get yourself screened. And, if like me, you are a fat bint (which let's face it I really am) I do understand that you might want to put it off for a while until you've lost some weight, but if you have to hold your belly back so the nurse can get where she needs to go then so be it (I'm not that big but do know of someone that has told me that before). Again, the choice is yours; 5 minutes embarrassment, or death. I know which I choose. I might even go the whole hog today and see if she will do my tetanus for me too but knowing what my surgery is like I expect I'll have to try and book another appointment for another day.

I did have a big boost this morning which has spurred me on with the healthy eating and exercise (still not sorted out the pilates but some aerobic exercises have been completed successfully). I hopped on the scales Sunday (I know; I was only going to weigh in once a month but had such a good week last week I wanted to check what I was doing was working) and I lost 3.5lb so that was a good thing, but this morning I decided to check my measurements (I did them last at the beginning of the month and again was only going to do them once a month - in honesty I only did my tummy as that is the widest, biggest and most pronounced part of my body) and I've lost 3 inches from it. Hurrah. Maybe those sit-ups are having an effect (yes I've been trying to do 50 a night to begin with (I did only manage 35 the other night though) - hoping to build up to 100 a day). I know the inches lost could just be down to me peeing more over-night but I'll take what I can get right now as it spurs me on to keep going :) 

In other news, I am off for the day tomorrow and heading down to Longleat for the day with the Nutty one, which I have to say I am very much looking forward to. Originally we were meant to be going to London where we were going to visit Madame Tussauds for their Star Wars section. 2 others were coming with us, so we got a great deal on train tickets, then the others let us down, meaning we either had to find 2 other people to come with us (which we tried and failed at), we had to pay another £68 EACH on the train, or it cost us (me because I booked them) £25 but I got some money back on them. We chose that option; better to lose £25 than pay out another £68 when I don't have that much to begin with. I'm a bit more than pissed off in one way about it as the *friend* that has let me down has still not had the decency to let me know he now can't make it; the last thing he said to me was "I need to double check on something and will let you by the end of the day for definite". That was 3 weeks ago.. I've heard NOTHING. Honestly, what is it with people claiming to be friends who always let me down when money is concerned? There are those "If you sort it I will pay you back" that never do. The "if you drive I'll pay for your tickets" who then end up getting you to pay for lunch too so it ends up costing you more. The ones that say "you pay for the tickets and I'll drive and pay fuel" yet whenever I drive they NEVER offer anything to me for fuel and I have paid for the tickets too - and often get stung for the coffees and dinners as well. I know; I'm a fool. Good job they're not all like it. The friends I went (and am going again) camping with I had to practically force them to take money off me; thankfully once I explained that as lovely as it is of them to want to help out and pay for me, I can't moan about others never paying me if I don't pay  my way, they finally agreed to let me pay my share. The battle has begun for the next trip already, but Mr Jones if you are reading this, I am one step ahead of you :) I'm a woman with a plan :) 

I started this before the doctors and am finishing now I'm back.. I can't re-iterate enough how quickly a smear is over and done with. I left work at 11 was back at work at 11.20.. I waited for 5 minutes to book in with the receptionist, 5 minutes in the waiting room and it took 4 minutes to walk there and the same back.. that means the whole experience was over and done with in 2 minutes (this included confirming who I was, talking about smelly feet, and having it done). Please if just one woman reads this and it makes you go then that can only be a good thing. Don't put it off; it really could save your life. 

Ooh.. Ooh.. before I forget. Those of you not on my facebook won't know that I have a new obsession. With Penguins; that's right, you heard correctly. Pengiuns. I didn't even know I liked until a week ago. While looking for somewhere else to go tomorrow (once the London cancelled decision was made we then had to find somewhere else) I remembered once seeing a sign for a Wildlife Park when I was visiting Burford in Oxfordshire, so I googled it. I will definitely be visiting there later in the year, but while on their site I came across their webcams. They have 2. A Meercat one (I don't really get they hype around Meercats; just as I don't get the hype around Pug dogs) and a Penguin one. I never knew how entertaining and funny a penguin could be to watch. While at work I have the cam running in the background, and they've made me chuckle so much at times. They are definitely worth checking out. Yes, I will be adopting one. 









Friday, 12 June 2015

There's a stillness

in the air this evening, as I sit in my little canvas garden room (the 2 side panels down and in their proper place). The light rain (that has just replaced the heavy delude we've had for an hour) is pitter pattering down on the roof, while giant drops still splish and splash here and there. In the fir tree, that is shaking it's excess water all over the plants below, as the wind blows through it, is a pigeon, telling Betty that his toe is bleeding (if you have idea what I mean, the next time you hear a pigeon call, take note.. you might just hear the words "My toes bleeds Betty" coming from him). Listen up; you'll see what I mean.

The sun disappeared a long time ago when the clouds moved in, but hasn't set yet so the sky is that bluey/grey colour, which is getting darker by the second - so much so that the street lamp at the top of the garden has just come on (when I say top, I really do mean top. Our back garden is on a hill, giving us 3 levels. Ground, middle and top. If I stand up straight, the top part is level with my head - not that I can stand there as such because there is a middle level in the way, but it's to give you an idea of how much higher that part of the garden is, and why top is the right explanation.

There are 2 scented candles burning on the low table in front of me (I have the laptop on a taller, one man dinner plate size table) and I have incense burning in the lanterns that hang from the sides of the gazebo that don't have curtains to pull across - ahh.. as I type so the heavy rain has begun again and it is banging down on the roof. I love that sound. If I could sleep under a canvas (or something that gives me a similar sound - caravan, conservatory, shed) roof I would do so every night.. ooh.. I may have to move indoors.. it's getting a wee bit heavier.. 

It actually started to hammer down, harder than Thors hammer, so I had to move back inside. Not because my canvas room was leaking - it really does hold up to the rain well - but because the big (and they really are huge) rain drops were splashing on the patio all around me, spraying water up. Now I have no problem getting wet myself (no rude innuendo's and thoughts please) but I really don't want to get my laptop wet. It's not even a week old yet and I need it to last at least 10 years. 

Back to what I was saying - although the stillness and quiet have definitely been replaced. I could live under a canvas roof (because I really do love the sound of the rain) but I'm not sure I would want canvas sides and a floor that would leak easily. Not that I need either for now as back indoors I can hear it pounding against the window, and the porch roof (which has a door, and hallway between me and it, so that gives an indication of just how hard it's coming down). In fact it's making me feel quite drowsy. Not sure if there is thunder around (it's meant to have been stormy in some places) as the dog is sitting under my desk, shaking. It could just be the sound of the rain making her skittish, but I have a bit of a fuzzy head too, so I think there is a chance we may be lucky and get a rumble or 2 (yes I love thunderstorms as well).

I have no idea where I'm going with this entry now, or what I was going to say in the first place, so think I shall stop and come back another time :) I think I was going to go along a whole calming, romance (I know.. I don't do romance but by that I mean serene, lovely etc) route, but who knows? If I don't then anyone reading this certainly won't. 

Ooh; thanks to those of you that read the last entry. Not sure how you came across it as I never shared it - it was published or you wouldn't have been able to read, but I didn't share for some reason, but hope you weren't too bored by it :) 

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

It's not often

I'm in a good mood these days - ok, that's not really true as I am often in a good mood, but I can still rant when I am.. I can still complain about things.. I can still moan.. A lot... but for some reason this week, today especially, I am in a really good mood. The kind of mood where I have just been asked why I'm walking round singing - I often sing so not sure why I would be asked such a question.. maybe today my singing is even more chirpy.. in fact I had to phone the doctors earlier (I have a bank of appointments over the next 5 weeks and I'm not even ill.. well as far as I know I'm not.. maybe they know something I don't.. eek) but I actually had a cheerful receptionist on the phone.. I know right? A cheerful doctors receptionist? She was even laughing at how many appointments she was having to make for me.. she even (now make sure you're sitting down for this because it's a bit of a shocker from a doctors receptionist) made a joke.. well not so much a joke but she made a funny comment. I know.. it's a good job I'm not ill or that could have tipped me over the edge. Turns out those 5 appointments she's made for me are more than I've had in the past 12 years :)  and they sat fat people are drains on the NHS and unhealthy. This batch I'm having are all because I'm a woman of a certain age and a couple are preventative screenings, so if it wasn't for those I wouldn't be going at all. The blood tests take up 2 appointments too; oddly they have to do one where I've fasted and one when I haven't - never heard that before. To add to it I may have to make a 6th appointment as I am due a tetanus booster but she wouldn't back that in for me just in case I don't need it - they do this to me every time it's due and tell me they are no longer necessary, then I tell them what I do for a job and they stab a needle in my arm :) 

My good mood even continued after the company I ordered something from sent their ugly smelly delivery man, and not the handsome delivery man I usually get; I can only imagine how good the mood would have been if they had sent him. I think I'd have been bouncing off the walls :) Even the thought of the grandfather being round this evening has not changed things - yet; I guess it could change when I see him, as it could just as easily if someone with a negative attitude was to drain me.  Mind you, not sending handsome delivery man isn't such a bad thing. I may not have been able to get any work done for the rest of the day if they'd sent him :) 

What has caused this good mood? I haven't a clue. I wish I did know because the next time I'm in a bad mood or someone has pissed me off I'd be able to take whatever it was and cheer myself up :)  I do wonder if it has anything to do with weight (no I don't know if I've lost anything yet because I am only weighing once a month) and I don't look as though I've lost anything - that's not really an indication as I have so much to lose I should think I could potentially lose 4 stone before it really notices to anyone - but it could be that I'm proud of how well I am sticking to it this time round. Once I realised what my trigger was for the reason why I fall off the wagon, and once I found the way that suits me better, it seems that sticking to it is in fact easier than I've known it to be before. I always seem to be able to stick to it the first week or 2 and am only on week 2, but I have noticed I'm making choices (good choices) automatically this time round rather than thinking about what to have. Earlier I just grabbed a glass of water, whereas before I would have put the kettle on, then told myself that I should be cutting back on tea and coffee and forced water down; the fact I chose it and haven't noticed that I am in fact drinking water is a big thing for me. Last night I even had to force myself to eat extra food to make my minimum amount of calories up; that's never a bad thing. 

Sadly this eating properly (and taking my vitamins too - well I am of that *certain age* as the receptionist at the doctors told me) isn't sorting out the burning cheeks that seem to glow and warm up around the same time every day, but I guess I can't have it all. It is also on my list of things to discuss with the doctor when I go to one of my appointments, as I've been told it could be due to high blood pressure (being a fatty that would be understandable, although my BP has always been spot on in the past and I've been a fatty for a really long time) but it could also be due to something called Rosie something (I'm guessing because of the colour cheeks go with it, they were being ironic when they named it :) )

None of this healthy stuff is making a difference to my sleeping just yet but I'm even hopeful that it might; I felt mighty tired last night and thought that meant I was in for a good night but it wasn't to be, another reason for me being in a good mood being so odd. I know I've had years to get used to not sleeping, but it does get draining after a while; sometimes. Other times I seem to have really good, deep sleep but in small bursts. Those are the nights I think I've not slept at all but will be told by others I was snoring like a trouper. :) I've not noticed an improvement in my eyes yet either which is something I normally do notice when I eat and drink well, but again this morning as soon as I got to work I had a fuzzy head and iffy vision. I am wondering if it's something in the shop that's doing it as I never experience it at home. I opened all the doors and windows today to try and clear some air out as I thought that could be a possible reason for it. I'm sure I can run it past the doctors on one of my many appointments.. hahaha..

The exercise part of being good hasn't actually taken effect yet. I do have the equipment needed - the treadmill needs digging out of the garage and bolting back together - and I was planning on starting the pilates at last yesterday, but it just didn't happen. I know that's just down to me being a lazy arse and I know I will have to start or I am going to have really saggy skin (I'm going to have that anyway but can lessen the effects a wee bit). Have to admit that is one thing that puts me off.. at the moment no man will come near me because I'm a fat old bint, but if I do manage to lose the weight and someone finally decides they are brave enough to take me on, he could end up feeling cheated.. can you imagine? He's gonna see this sexy bodacious babe (I know.. I'm already one of those, but a slimmer version will be like he's getting a super improved me) and then I'll get naked with him (ooh err.. how rude) and he'll feel he's been lulled into a false sense of security because while he'll be expecting trim and sexy, he's going to get saggy and floppy.. hahahahaha.. maybe I really should just remain single :) Not that any of that should really matter because he should want me regardless, but men don't seem to think that way, which is why nobody wants me at the mo. Can't say I blame them.. I look in the mirror and see hideous, so if I'm seeing it then they must be too.. but hopefully that will all be changing.. hurrah.. go me.. hahahahaha.. how many times have I said this? I could have retired if I put £1 in a pot each time I said it :)

Something else I have noticed today.. I have finally decided the new Take That album is really worthy of my time.. I wasn't sure when I first got it, and even after seeing them live it still didn't tempt me, but today? I've had it on repeat and I have sung and danced my way through it several times. There really are some cracking tracks on it.. I think I must have been in the wrong place, or the wrong kind of me before.. this happy me LOVES it :) Except the 2nd song.. that's a bit of a let down but the rest are top tunes :) 

Have to say I am also loving my new laptap/net book thingy. After going round my brothers on Monday to borrow his tablet that doubles as a laptop thingy too in place of my broken iPad (this still saddens me) I was a bit unsure I wanted to leave with his as it was heavy and windows based. He then produced a mini chromebook (let's face it my love for google is renowned.. google drive is the BEST thing ever invented) and I had a little play, decided I wanted one of them instead and this morning it arrived (with ugly smelly delivery man).  It actually reminds me of my trusted macbook, but for a fraction of the price. It's perfect for what I want it for which is to be able to do my own things at work without having to worry about other people viewing it. I know my web pages can still be tracked because I'm connected to the shops network, but at least I have none of my bits open on the shop computere, so if I walk away and someone wants something they won't be able to view what I am up to with my personal pages any more. They also won't be able to log on when I'm not here :) Win, win all round; the shop one stays just for the shop, the chromebook stays just for me, but also means I can pop it in a handbag (one of my larger ones, as although it's only an 11" it's still a lot bigger than my iPad way) and take it with me if I need/want to show someone something. The only downside is a pad can be charged in my car, the laptop can't so it's no good to take away with me unless I have an electric hook up, but if I am away why would I want to play on a pooter anyway? Yes, it was a lot of money to spend just for some privacy, but my privacy is important to me. The messages I send back and forth with people on FB are between me and them, nobody else needs to have access to them. This way nobody will as they have no reason to open up my little book thingy when the shop computer is switched on and good to go. It also means if I spin the screen round to show a customer something, I don't have to worry about what else they may see either.  The crazy thing is I don't really have anything to hide and my brother knows my passwords for everything so it's not as if I want to hide things but it should be down to me who sees what, and there are certain people I won't want to see things that are of no concern to them.  Another great thing is I can have all of my different google accounts logged on and once and easily switch between them (they may not be such a good thing when I find myself writing a blog on here that should be going elsewhere, but as long as I double check myself, I should be ok).  If not it just makes things and life even more entertaining :)





Sunday, 7 June 2015

Sitting here

in my little garden, under the gazebo we so expertly assembled this morning - 2 women, 36 poles, 3 pieces of canvas and no instructions, I think we did bloody well :)  All sorted in half an hour and not a cross word between us - that in itself is a miracle these days. 

Anyway; as a result of said gazebo now being in place, I have spent most of my day sitting in the garden (when I wasn't watching the Canadian F1 race, when I was cooking dinner, and other bits and pieces in between). It has a couple of side panels I have tied back presently, but they can be loosened off to cover the sides, which gives me ultimate privacy from my neighbours either side (there's a lot of sides in those last couple of rows) but still allows me one open side with though which I can view the garden which is currently full of various colours and types of flowers. Right now the coloured solar lights we have dotted about (among flowers and over the archways) are beginning to switch themselves on as the light from the sun slowly fades on another day.  That's one of the only things I really like about the summer - that moment as the sun sets and night takes over. The way the blue changes from light bright, to a mid blue, to darkness. It also means not having to put on a hat, scarf, thick jumpers, coats and gloves if you want to go star gazing (although the meteor shower in December is still the best and worth wrapping up for; I even stayed out through a snowstorm once as I could see the clouds were going to break, and I am so glad I did for that was the night I saw the bright green comet that was bigger than anything I had seen before - or since).  

It's not massively warm though; current temperature is 11'c so it's pleasant to sit in, but still too warm to charge about it - good job I'm just sat here. :) 

What got me thinking about this blog entry though was the way the bumble bees are still buzzing around everything, trying to gather as much as they can before the night takes hold. The sounds of the birds as they call to each other, ready to bed down again until sunrise, when they will wake everyone up with their dawn chorus - which I really do like but wish they would do at a more sensible hour of the day. Mind you the bird sounds are currently being drowned out by the snoring from the dog who i slaying on my feet, and the howling of the cat who is peering at me through the gap in the back door that is just that wee bit too narrow for her to crawl out of. Her eyes are glowing though which is quite spooky in a way. :) 

Not quite so over-keen on the mozzies that are flying around, taking chunks out of me all over, even though I have citronella incense and candles burning; I'm not convinced about them not liking the smell if I'm honest. I think deep down the smell is like a light to a moth, and draws them in closer. Still, compared to the bites my friend ended up with when we went camping, a few nips here and there won't hurt me - his were huge, sore and rather nasty looking. I also know one antihistamine will stop any itching that may occur with me as a result of being bitten.

Ooh look; I got off track again. How unusual for me, although actually I'm still very much on track for it's all those little things I've just wasted your time with as you read it, that once again showed me just how lucky I am to be able to sit here and marvel at all that is around me. So many people are no longer here to be able to share in moments like these, and so many others that are still here probably never spend the time just sitting and appreciating; I know I don't do enough of it.  That's why my little gazebo - that has given me a garden room - is a blessing to me. Instead of being cooped up indoors with crap on the TV, I have been outside enjoying all that nature and the beauty of life have to offer me. Too often I get caught up in stuff - friends falling out, others having major dramas (that are really petty and minor but made out to be the worst thing in the world). People trying to stir up shit, not just for me but for others also. On a day to day basis there is always someone intent on ruining someone else's day (I've been that person too; I've dragged someone else down with me when I've had a bad day, and always felt really bad about doing so. Sadly some people turn their whole lives into a drama and don't give a shit if they take someone else's exceptionally happy day and turn it into something dull and depressing). Out here today there is none of that. I've avoided people so nobody can bring me down (I was in a good mood before the day even started). Any problems and worries I have (and I do have a few) have been pushed to one side for today and now as I sit here, tapping away on a keyboard, sharing how I feel with people I've never met (and probably will never meet ) as well as those that already know me (or at least know the person I choose to share with them) I am extremely grateful to be alive. I am blessed to be sitting her, when so many of the people I have loved are no longer able to, and I hope in 30 years time I get to sit and write another one of these sharing with a new set of people, about how lucky I am to be alive, and I truly am one of the lucky ones. Yes there are things I would like to change, there are people I would like to spend more time with, but right here, right now, I am being shown that there is much more to life than I want's and I would like's. There is beauty in abundance, and all around me at this exact moment in time, tiny little miracles are taking place before my eyes. Flowers are growing, birds are huddling up with their families, even insects which I may not like, but who play a big part in our lives, are going about their business. There's a whole world of things going on in my small garden, each and every one of them a living miracle.

So when you next feel a bit low or think that life is crap, take some time out; go sit in your garden (or a park, the beach, anywhere that's outside) and shut yourself off from whatever is bothering or hurting you and see what there is around you. Realise you are just a tiny spot in the universe, but even your tiny spot can make a difference, and think yourself lucky each and every day that you are alive to enjoy it. So many aren't.

Also; take a chance on life, whether that be making a move on the person you have your eye on (the worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you they don't feel the same way.. that's the worst that can happen and just because they may not want to be with you as a partner, doesn't mean they don't care about you or want you in their life. Take the risk, make the move; Don't sit on your cloud when you're dead with a list of What if's. Life is for living. Get out there and live it. If you think you could start a business then start it. The worst that can happen is that it will fail; that won't mean you are a failure though. How could you be? You took a risk, a chance, a gamble. That makes you a winner no matter what the outcome. 

Don't deliberately go out and hurt someone, but don't let someone else's thoughts and feelings get in the way of your happiness. If they don't like you being happy then they're not really that nice a person to have in your life anyway, and don't let someone else hurt you if you can help it.  I've spent too much of my life worrying about other people; how something I do or say may upset them, to realise just recently that those same people have never once given a shit about my feelings and whether their actions might upset me. Don't let that that happen to you; surround yourself with other people that make you feel good... jeez.. I sound like some preachy life coach and I'm not entirely sure who I'm trying to convince, aside from myself.... hahaha.. maybe it's time I took my own advice :)  

Maybe sitting here this evening enjoying life with a smile on my face it's time I did other things that make me smile.. and I know just the thing......... :) :) :) 

Monday, 1 June 2015

New week

New month; new beginnings; NEW start - how many times have I said that over the years? Actually, not sure I've said that as such, but I'm always bleeting on about changes (making and sticking to them, and other things) and I'm always really positive I'm going to stick to it every time I say I'm going to, that you'll have probably already written me off by now, but I'm not going to write myself off, because this time really does feel different. Maybe that's because the hair is lighter - I'm almost blond, but more of a light golden brown right now, although 2 male friends have both been in to see me today and started their convos with "well hello blondie" so maybe it's lighter than how I see it. 

To get it this light though it really did go through many different shades yesterday; at one point I looked like a pineapple. Add in my exceptionally red cheeks and I really was a catch; no idea why I am single... hahahaha. Prior to the pineapple look I was orange; thankfully the present colour is much more even and livable with :) 




Anyway; I think with this new look, has come a new confidence, because I feel as though I could take on the world right now. It also means I've decided to make the rest of my life about me, and only me. I realised last night I've spent my whole life worrying about upsetting other people and it struck me that those same people have never worried about upsetting me.  Here I am at 45, living with my Mum, having no money because I've always put everyone else before myself; there are all those people out there that have only ever thought of themselves and they seem to have it all, and if they get bored of what they have, they seem to be able to move on elsewhere, leaving a trail of devastation in their wake, with little or no harm to themselves. Now I could never be that kind of person, because it's not in my dna to shit on someone, or treat someone badly. It's not in me to take from anyone, at the expense of someone else, but I also don't have to let people take from me any more. If I want something from now on I will try to get it; if that means someone else doesn't get it, then tough. They wouldn't have thought about me if they wanted it; swings and roundabouts. I also got myself caught up in something last week, and found I bit when goaded; am so angry at myself for it. I should have ignored what was being said, but because of how I was feeling I found myself get pulled into something I want no part of; that will also be stopping. I'm sure it was done to test me (trying to see if I would spill or if I can be trusted with things being told to me, and I am not prepared to play those games any more; that is all part of the new, improved me :) ) Plus, I'll be dead before my time anyway so I just have make the most of life while I am still here; eternity is a really long time to be ashes scattered to the wind.

A thing I have noticed is that there may be something about the whole 'positive thinking' thing. I always try to be as I know life is too short not to be, but recently so many things have happened, and some quite offish things have been said, that I've been a bit of a negative nelly (I really don't like nelly when she takes over). This morning she got shoved back in her box where she belongs (and where I hope she stays for a while yet). I got up with a renewed cheerfulness, and a mission to get not only my life back on track, but also the shop (which suffered one of it's worst months ever last month). Things were so bad at the shop, I've had to defer making a couple of bills payments (not the end of the world as I get 30 days to pay all my bills) but I like to pay them on the day I get them so I know where I am and how much money there is in the pot for other bits. I know there was the delivery issue when I had my week off, and I am certain that had some effect, but I think I was the reason the rest of it was so quiet. This morning though I came in with a renewed vigour and determination to get the shop back on track and it is paying off. I've taken more today than I took in the whole of last week and the week before - combined. I've also spent the day cleaning, tidying, re-arranging and generally taking an interest in how the shop looks - not something I've done for a while because I've been feeling so low myself. Tomorrow I shall work on the kitchen and bathroom, and get all the rubbish bags taking up valuable space, removed. 

As for the healthy eating; well that fell by the wayside too, but a hop on the scales yesterday showed a 10lb loss last month, which considering I had 2 long weekends away, and consumed good food and alcohol, I am more than happy with. Aiming for 20 this month though :) Really I need to lose 70 in the next 16 weeks, but I know that is being a bit unreasonable; however, I will be exercising too so even if I don't lose that much I'm hoping the toning that should occur might give the impression I have. I'm not a fool though; I know I have tried (and failed) many times, and I am also aware each time I was determined as I am today, but before I never made any other changes; I never added everything that affects me into the equation. Maybe this time I could finally do it; I might just surprise myself and achieve exactly what I've set out to. 

In other news - in brief - a night out with the Nutty one on Saturday provided some amusement when she shared with me messages between the 2 of us from the previous Saturday when I was camping; it appears I was a lot more drunkeness than I believed I was :) 

Monday, 25 May 2015

There are times

in this life when things change; not always for the better, not always for the worse, not always through choice, but they change, and that change is something that has to be embraced, and life has to move on in a different direction.

For some friends, their lives changed in the not too distant past, and oddly enough as a result of their changes,  I have caught up with other old friends I'd not seen for years, while at the same time finding I am distanced from others that I was seeing more. This is life and it's how it is right now. As a result of this change though, I just got to spend a really enjoyable weekend reconnecting with these old friends, doing what I enjoy doing best: camping. Normally I would feel guilty at having such a great time, because of the heartache someone else had to suffer, but things have moved on, and I think (I'm not 100% certain - about 85%) that the person who suffered is finally coming out the other side. 

A dinner out a few weeks ago with said friends, produced an add-on invite to join them all on their planned camping trip.  Not being able to take my own tent as the place was booked, it was decided I would bundle in and share with a couple of others - I'm not entirely sure that was such a blessing with the snoring that was going on from the person in the sleeping bit next to mine (I know he might read this so won't name him.. hahaha) and yes I am also aware that I snore too so I'm not going to go on about it too much; in fact it appeared that as he snored so I woke up, and as I nodded off and fell back asleep so he would wake up. On the odd occasion we were awake at the same time for a split second - I know this because the tent was quiet :) 

The friend I'd lost contact with (as such) - who will always be my friend no matter what others throw at us and who even though I never saw him as much, I knew he is always there for me (as I am for him) - was there with his wife and he 2 gorgeous daughters, who are possibly the best behaved children I've come across. For 3 and 5 years old I never heard them complain once, even after we walked them 3.5 miles yesterday; something so rare these days. They were also happy to play by themselves and weren't constantly on at people to entertain them... a real rarity. 

The weekend started for them all on Friday - one of them having to come back Friday evening; I picked him up Saturday morning and we had to pop to the supermarket. On a Saturday morning? It was actually really quiet and we were in and out in record time. The drive down to the campsite was also really good - most unusual on a normal day but for a bank holiday weekend, I was mightily amazed.  As we got there, my travel companions number 2 son, who was already there from the previous day text to ask where we were; at that point we were sat at the gate's, waiting to get on the site because we got in the wrong queue and had to wait longer than normal :) 

The day was spent chatting, laughing, catching up. My friends Mum and Dad came down for a bbq dinner with us too which was lovely - bless them, they asked my own Mum if she'd like to come down as well which I thought really kind of them. They bought some really tasty swiss roll cake too which I should not have eaten (for the waist line) but that I could have eaten much more of :) There were many bubbles blown with the kids, and a fair amount of alcohol consumed by a couple of adults - myself included, although apparently I was impressive as I never appeared to be drunk; I didn't feel it either until I got into bed (my blow up mattress with a sleeping bag slung on top) that night. I never made it to the inside of the sleeping bag though as I was trying not to disturb my travel companion in the room next to me, and so I just flopped down on top and stayed there until I woke at 5 yesterday morning.  The others all went to bed about 11 on Saturday but myself and my oldest friend stayed up chatting; it was like when we were younger and had been to the pub together. On the way home we'd always sit on a bench, wall or in a field and chat the hours away; didn't realise how much I missed him, or being part of a family, until this weekend. That's what made it special; these people aren't my family by blood, but they are my family by choice, and to spend some time with them in great surroundings, relaxing and enjoying each others company was wonderful. 

A walk to the local village yesterday is all we did (the grammar of those few words at the beginning of this paragraph sound awful) - stopping for lunch on the way - before we headed to a little river for the kids (that's including us big kids) to do a spot of paddling and fishing. I'm not sure at which point in my life I stopped being able to walk on stones (I'd run up and down beaches and the alley at the back of my house which is pure gravel without a second thought as a child) but stepping into that river (aside from the cold) was bloody painful so I didn't stay in there long; I could have stayed there longer if I'd had the foresight to take along some suitable under water footwear :)

When we got back to camp there wasn't a lively one among us (the walk, food, heat etc wore us out) and at one point I'm amazed we didn't all nod off, but dinner sorted that and then one of the younglings suggested a game of cards; we ended up playing a game I used to love - we played it a bit wrong to begin with as none of us could remember how to play (a google search at 3 this morning finally answered all the game questions) but that too was lovely to sit and play cards, abusing each other in the fun way families should abuse when playing games - nobody taking any of it seriously (although I did win the first 3 games.. hahahaha. :) )  I now need to find more people to teach who I see more often to play it with me :) 

I do find it sad that other things (not such nice things) had to happen to someone I care a lot about for me to have the great weekend I've just had, but as I said at the beginning, sometimes thing change for the better (they worked out better for me but for that to happen it had to be bad for him for a while). I guess it's the roundabout of life; it just keeps moving and you either hang on in there and enjoy the ride when you can, or you fly off and have to find a way back on to it. I'm hanging on for now, but am well aware anything can happen at any time and I could easily be thrown off again in a flash. That's why if something is offered and I want to take up the offer I will do; if someone else doesn't like that I've taken the path that's right for me, then I'm afraid that's for them to deal with. I've spent my life trying to please others and worrying about their thoughts or feelings; life is now all about me, and I am loving every second of it. I know all too soon how quickly and easily it can end; it's for living and if nothing else, this weekend I've learned that when you take the bull by the horns, when you do think just of yourself and nobody else, you really can let your hair down and enjoy yourself.

If any of you that have spent the weekend with me are reading this, I thank you. 









Monday, 18 May 2015

I had

an amazing weekend; sorry if it seems like I'm here to brag.. actually.. no I'm not.. I really did have an amazing weekend :)

Before the weekend itself kicked off, I had a great Friday evening with friends where good food and conversation was had. We even chatted about politics without anyone getting arsey with each other :) Not many people can do that, but then we've been friends our whole lives and know each other well enough to respect our different opinions. I love being round them all, as it reminds me how things used to be in my family when we would all get together; I don't have that any more, as most of the family members that would arrange such things have died, and the other's don't include anyone else any more, so to be able to have that with others (they're such old friends their pretty much family to me anyway; in fact they're probable closer than my family to me these days) is a wonderful thing. For them to include as they do means more to me than they could know; it's nice to feel I belong somewhere, and to something, again. They've invited me camping this weekend and have no idea how much that means to me, or how much I am looking forward to it :) 

Anyway; back to this weekend that's just been and gone - way too quickly. Back last year sometime I saw on  a friends FB that she'd got tickets for a Take That concert that was taking place on Saturday - I knew they went on general sale the following day and had planned to do whatever it took to get myself a couple of tickets (with no clue who I was going with) as I've been to every tour they've done since their beginning (except the last one when they took Robbie Williams back because it pissed me off how it was obvious to anyone with half a brain he was only using the rest of them to kick start his failing career, so I stuck to my guns and didn't got to any). So, I happened to comment on my friends status that I was extremely jealous and was hoping to get some the next day, at which point she told me she had extra (she'd got 4 but needed only 2) so they were mine if I wanted them.. Did I want them? Damn right I did. Now, they cost £85 each which is a massive amount of money - especially to someone like me without any - but I bit the bullet, took advantage of my overdraft and had them off her. 

As it was in Birmingham we discussed options about getting there then settled on booking a hotel at the airport over night and going up by train so we could all have a beer - or 4. The train tickets were a great price, and the hotel not bad either, so between us we booked bits, transferred money to each other and were set. My extra ticket I offered to my number 1 as I'd always promised her when she was younger I would take her one day; I was mighty happy when she said she would love to come. 

She hopped on the train her end of  the track, I hopped on at my middle bit, and we met the other 2 at their end. By 10.30 the frozen mojito's were in plastic glasses, followed by individual bottles of wine with a straw, and our weekend began :) 

Arriving in Birmingham we headed straight for the hotel, unpacked our bags and then headed off for lunch - there were frozen Margarita's on the menu, so it was rude not to - although I think they shook the salt into the drink rather than just pop it on the rim :) 



Once luncheon was eaten it was back to our rooms for some calm before the storm; showers were had, hair was straightened, make up applied, clothes put on, taken off, replaced by others and me and my number 1 were knocking on the doors of our travel companions. 

Yes I am aware I have more than one chin and that I am mirror selfie - ing :) 
The 10 minute stroll from our hotel to the arena was pleasant enough, and we got to our seats just before the support act took to the stage - a band called Lawson who I didn't think I had heard of but I knew several of their songs. They weren't bad but the sound man really let them down, and needs to work on the amount of bass he allows - the thudding sounds drowned out any hope we had of hearing what they were singing. 

I thought it would seem weird there just being 3 of TT left, but to be honest I didn't even notice they were one missing (which is a shame as I've always like Jason). They were as good as when I saw them first with 5 members, and sounded as amazing with just the 3 of them. There were a couple of songs I would have left off the playlist if I was them, and a couple I have liked them to play, but they choose and we sing. I have to admit I wasn't sure how my number one would be with it all as it was her Mum that got me into TT and it was her Mum I always used to go with to see them, but the minute they came on stage, she was into it and looked like she was really enjoying herself; that was a wonderful feeling and a lovely thing for me to see/experience.  There was a section in the middle that I named Non's medley, as they played the 3 songs that remind me of her Mum. The first being the song played at her funeral (which is also the one my Number 1 sang at nursery school when they were asked to sing a nursery rhyme - the girl had no hope). The second was the song me and her Mum used to duet on - and on Saturday night I still sang the backing vocals; it wouldn't have been right to sing the lead ones as she always sang them - and the 3rd was the one song that reminds me of her Mum and always makes me smile when I hear it - that one actually bought a tear to my eye but it also felt like her Mum was stood next to me at that point; it was the closest I've felt to her since she passed which was a really wonderful feeling, tinged with sadness and happiness at the same time. 



The set was pretty spectacular and we had some cracking seats - the photo's make us look a lot further away than we were and the night was over way too soon.

When we left the arena we took a slow stroll back to the hotel via the airport where we bought ourselves a little picnic for a midnight snack - my number one and I did actually eat ours at midnight too. At just before 1 we called it a night; within minutes my number one was out for the count. I however, finally got to sleep around 4.30am thanks to this horrendous whining, whirring noise that got louder and dipped, louder then dipped all night. I finally found the reason was due to a draft that was blowing through the hotel door and was because the window was open only a little - it was as far as the hotel would allow as there was a limiter on it so it couldn't be opened further. Not really a very good system.

Finally nodding off, I was rudely awakened at 7.30am by some crap music playing really loudly - number one who had slept like a log all night had forgotten to switch her alarm off. Once I was awake that was it, so me and her had showers etc then walked to the airport and had ourselves a full english breakfast in Frankie and Benny's before going back to our room to sort ourselves out before we had to check out at 12 noon. We met the other 2 after we'd checked out, had a coffee then made our way to the train station and home again. A flying 24 hours but jam packed with much entertainment and enjoyment. 

This continued when I got home and my little brother picked me up, and came back home for a fish and chip supper with his hubby and our Mumsicle. 

I crawled into bed at 11.30pm a very happy little fat woman :) 

Oh.. I did ride the blue one (that has more red on it than it did when I was there last) and pole danced too - I couldn't hang myself upside down though this time :) 


Wednesday, 6 May 2015

I wonder sometimes

whether I have just surrounded myself with negative arseholes because I like having something to moan about (because I can't find anything on a normal day to.. hahaha) or if it's because I have some kind of magnet inside me that yells at them to "come get me"?  Honestly, there are just so many Negative Nellies that like to try and bring me down at times it's all getting quite boring. Today, however, they have failed. What they said has pissed me off slightly (actually it's pissed me off a lot, but I won't let it bring me down) and it's not enough to dampen the day for me, or take away my smile. 

I woke up at 5.30 in a really great mood (I know; at that time of day) and actually am still in a good mood - luckily for the guy that gave me some mouth from the safety of his car this morning because he wasn't man enough to stop and get out - I didn't actually see it as I was more intent on watching what was going on around me with other traffic, but the only thing he could have  moaned at me for was the parking space I slid in to, which meant he had to pull in from the over-taking he was doing, so he had no right to mouth off, but like I say he wasn't brave enough to man up to me, and I didn't notice anyway, so no biggie. How do I know he mouthed off? Because someone else was outside the shop and saw him mouthing but couldn't catch what he said. 

What happened today to almost put a dampener on my day? A "friend" and yes, the inverted commas really are needed (as they are with a lot of people these days that claim to be friends, yet who all seem to want something from me, or just want to see what shit they can stir up - there are several different groups: those that want something - me to pay for them to go somewhere that they won't bother to pay me back, or who want to go out for dinner but don't have the money, but will half-heartedly offer to pay their share: then there are those that just take enjoyment from trying to stir up as much shit as they can because their own little lives are so sad.. Of course there are also proper, true friends, who genuinely want me for my time and to share in their enjoyment; those that split bills, don't try to stir up trouble, and who accept me for all my little foibles (ok.. some are big foibles, but they still take me (and like me) for who I am). Those of the friends I am most grateful for, and whose company I enjoy above all others. Yes if I had to make a choice between any of them, they are the ones that would be chosen. 

Back to what pissed me off..   I do love going off on a tangent.. 

So; one of those "friends" popped in the shop earlier and while we were chatting (well they chatted while I listened; there was no point trying to stop them because they also fall  into the "look at me, it's all about me" group, of which there is no point trying to have your own voice, for they will completely cut you off, ignore you, and talk about whatever they want to talk about anyway. I used to think it was because I was boring and they did it because they didn't find me interesting (and maybe they still do) but I think it's just because they want everything to be about them, Or maybe it's because I go off track so much, like I am with this :) 

A song came on the radio (actually on the ipod, but it's a dab radio with a dock so easier to say radio) when this "friend" said how they were transported back to our teenage years, and how it reminded them of my first boyfriend (he's cropped up in conversations a couple of times in recent weeks). My "friend" then asked why we split and if we still talked. Told him why we split (6 of one, half a dozen of the other) but that we'd not spoken for years; not because we fell out as we split on really good terms and stayed friends after - in fact for years he was my mechanic and would fix my broken cars; he even came out to the middle of nowhere one night to rescue me when my clutch broke, so we really were on good terms; we just went in different directions and never got invited to the same events to see each other and have a catch up. 

We were chatting and reminiscing, and I said about how he was the only boyfriend I've had that didn't want anything from me (all the others screwed me for all they could get, leaving me with nothing - ooh, just like those "friends" I mentioned above) and he always treated me with the utmost respect (not just because our families knew each other, but because that's the kind of person he was/is). I have heard since that he bullied one of my childhood friends, which I never knew about at the time, and as hard as I find it to believe he could do such a thing, I also trust the friend 100% and if he said he was bullied by him, then he was. I can understand in a way why that may have been so - NO I am not condoning what he did in any way, shape or form, but I could understand why he may have. 

Back to him being one of life's good guys; in my world at least. The "friend" today then passed a really flippant comment and said "yeah well; when you're being groomed you would think the best of someone".  When I asked what he meant and why he said it, he replied "because you were 13 when you got together; he was 3 years older and you stick up for him and say what a great guy he was, so he must have groomed you; that's what blokes 3 years older than young girls do". I can't even begin to tell you how I reacted to such a thing; such a vile, nasty comment. He also said that in light of everything that's gone on with the Jimmy Saville stuff I could probably have him arrested. WTF? Just for the record, I said he was a nice guy because he was/is. There was NO kind of anything funny, iffy or anything else that could be misconstrued in his behaviour. When I stayed round his house I slept in the front room - his parents bedroom door opened into his bedroom so there was no way any funny business could have been going on for him to be grooming me. When he stayed at my house, he slept downstairs and believe me my parents were such light sleepers they would have known if something was going on and would most definitely have had something to say about it. He was always a perfect gentleman and we split (not because I wouldn't do what he wanted but) because I treated him badly. He was even willing to give me another chance, but I'm of the belief that if things don't work out the first time, they never will the second. Of course, now I think I was a fool to let him go, but back then I was young, had my whole life ahead of me and genuinely believed the grass was greener (at times it was, but mostly it's been brown and decidedly dead).

What I don't get is why my so called "friend" would think such a thing in the first place, but to then actually come out and say it. I am genuinely shocked; then again this is the same person that told me I must be a lesbian and need to come out of the closet because I happened to say once that I thought a movie star was a beautiful woman, so I guess from such a twat I should expect nothing else. 

Ooh; I have just had a thought (yes it did hurt my pea sized brain). I started this entry pissed off at someone for the things they had come out with, but now I am beginning to wonder if my "friend" was maybe trying to tell me something. Maybe they don't believe it was me being groomed, but them, and the only way they could tell me was by making it out to be about someone else and not themselves. Maybe I have been a bit harsh and mis-judged them; maybe that's also why they told me I needed to step out of the closet for my previous comment. Maybe, they need to be the one stepping out and have their own issues to be dealing with. 

No; there I go again always looking to find the good in someone, when in truth the "friend" is just a nasty piece of work who is bored and wanting to try and ruin my day. It's not the first time they've tried and I am sure it won't be the last..