Sunday, 8 November 2015

Just realised it's Sunday

Thought I would start this by telling you about my hair dilemma..hahahaha.. I’m not sure who is crazier after it; me or my Mum?. At the moment the grey hairs are growing quicker than I can keep up with them (I have considered allowing them to do their thing but I’m really not at that place right now) so I have to dye every month, but touch the roots up every 2 weeks. That’s the plan, but I’ve not done anything since the weekend before I went to see Ugly Kid which was back in the middle of September (as you know because I’ve told you all about it in many previous blog posts :) ). Anyway, last week I had an appointment with a bride (something I do often) but I realised just how bad my roots were how we both stand when I'm writing out a brides wedding requirements shows off the grey so badly I might as well have a spotlight on it, and I really didn't want to stand there with a 2 inch grey stripe down the middle of my head, so I tried drying my hair a different way - that didn’t work. Then I got the straighteners out but that just highlighted it further, so I tried to give it some curl (I thought the distraction might work) but nothing was helping. While I swore, ranted and raved at the mirror, Mum came out and opened the cupboard under the sink. You know the one that stores your detergent, cleaning fluids, dusters and polishes? Next thing she tells me turn round and tilt my head towards her. Without asking I did as she said, thinking maybe she had a reusable dye under there (you can buy touch up brush things over here and Mum is always picking up stuff that might work at a later date). I can feel her brushing stuff onto my hair and she’s smiling away as she did. When she stopped I looked in the mirror and the little old genius had removed any trace of grey from my head. As I was then running late (because of how many times I had changed my style) I grabbed my bag and ran. It wasn’t until I got home that evening, that I actually asked what she had used, and do you know what it was? Liquid boot polish; she’s covered my roots and hair with boot polish. It worked but I’m not sure I’d like to use it again :) 

So, I survived. There is life without facebook and this week I proved it to myself. I got so fed up with  a news feed that was full of either vague-bookers (seriously people if you DON'T want people to ask, or aren't prepared to answer when they, don't feckin share it on social media - attention seeking is pathetic and all you end up doing is making people switch off to anything you might have to share that you may feel is important.. it also pisses off those of us that you ignore when we ask). There are an unprecedented amount of people spouting politics and religion, or those using the time-hop thing and sharing photo's from this time last year. I don't get that; we saw your photo's at the time, treat us to some new ones. Honestly, I use it as a way to keep in touch with people and see what they are up to in their lives right now. If I wanted politics and religion shoved down my throat I'd go to a council meeting, the houses of parliament, hyde park speakers corner or a church. Oddly the only people that have actually noticed I've not been on there (at least they're the ones that have messaged me to check I'm ok as I'm always on there and haven't been) are the ones that play candy crush and they've missed me for help getting through to the next episode or who need extra lives to carry on playing. The only other person was the nutty one but that was because she's not well and thought I might have contacted her more because she's not (in my defence I've sent her many messages that have been read and not replied to, so I admit I've not bothered as much as I could have). The only time I've been on fb was  Wednesday to wish my number 1 a happy birthday, Friday because I did share something I thought funny, yesterday where I shared a post from the shop and wanted to wish someone luck last night as she was taking part in the festival of remembrance, and this morning because I got an email to say someone had friend requested me, and as I like this person I logged on. Other than that I've not logged onto it at all, and when I did all I saw again were re-posted photos, politics and religion which just proved me to I've not missed out on anything. Obviously I logged onto the shop fb but I can't see anything on that as it's a business page so I only see other business posts and thankfully they use it to share other stuff. I did think not being on there I would maybe get some more of the cross-stitch I promised myself I would finish 5 years ago, but that never happened. I bought a couple of new books and thought I may get through those too, but that never happened either (no idea what I have done really) but at least I've not wasted it on social media, and that's something I'm quite proud of. 

Something struck me at 4 the other morning (aside from the dog’s paw where she was trying to shove me off the bed to give herself more room). I realised that after Donna died, I became an odd part (not an odd person, I’ve always been one of those) but more like a jigsaw bit that fits the space in a puzzle on 3 sides, but no matter how hard I try the 4th side is just the wrong shape to fit. I’m the black piece in the picture. 3 sides fit perfectly but there’s that one that is the wrong shape. I think maybe that’s why I’ve felt so lost. I never fitted in anywhere as a child - I was the one that got bullied and the girl among the group of boys. Don’t get me wrong, people hung out with me because they wanted to (I think ;) ) but somehow I never fitted. While the few girls in our group had boyfriends, they were from within our group; mine were always from outside. I’ve always been the 3rd person (ooh; that’s why I was speaking about myself in the 3rd person after all :) ). Even when I was with Donna’s brother I was the odd one (until me and him split and Donna and I became a little twosome - I’m sure some people (lots of people) thought we were a lesbian couple.. hahaha). Then when I with Darren I was again the odd one, as Donna’s boyfriends were from within, he was on the outside. I don’t think I’ve been with anyone from within the circle, so I guess it stands to reason that I wouldn’t fit in one now. I lied; Louis was within the circle, but look what happened to him. I don’t need to be the centre of it all (I know, that sounds totally different to who I am.. hahahaha..). With Donna again it was different. There was never any kind of power struggle between us. We just fitted and as much as we let people into our circle - anyone was welcome - we were also happy with just each other for company and she was always there whenever I needed her. I could have left work tonight, driven down there, let myself in and had dinner with them and she would not have known I was going down. It was just a given that I could turn up at any time (day or night) without an invite and I fitted. The same went for her when I wasn’t living at home - actually she could have still turned up when I was. There was never any question of being invited; the word invite didn’t exist between us. Halloween (having just passed us by) was the one night we got together every year without fail. It was the one year we could be our true selves ;) There would always be a party somewhere and after we’d get back to hers, get the tarot cards out and pretend we knew what the future held for the next year for us. I always find myself at such a loss on Halloween these days since she’s not been with me any more. Maybe that’s why I noticed my not fitting this year, because I saw how they were all dressed up and having fun and it reminded me that those days for me are no more. Ahh well; such is life as they say. 

Something struck me at 4 the other morning (aside from the dog’s paw where she was trying to shove me off the bed to give herself more room). I realised that after Donna died, I became an odd part (not an odd person, I’ve always been one of those) but more like a jigsaw bit that fits the space in a puzzle on 3 sides, but no matter how hard I try the 4th side is just the wrong shape to fit. I’m the black piece in the picture. 3 sides fit perfectly but there’s that one that is the wrong shape. I think maybe that’s why I’ve felt so lost. I never fitted in anywhere as a child - I was the one that got bullied and the girl among the group of boys. Don’t get me wrong, people hung out with me because they wanted to (I think ;) ) but somehow I never fitted. While the few girls in our group had boyfriends, they were from within our group; mine were always from outside. I’ve always been the 3rd person (ooh; that’s why I was speaking about myself in the 3rd person after all :) ). Even when I was with Donna’s brother I was the odd one (until me and him split and Donna and I became a little twosome - I’m sure some people (lots of people) thought we were a lesbian couple.. hahaha). Then when I with Darren I was again the odd one, as Donna’s boyfriends were from within, he was on the outside. I don’t think I’ve been with anyone from within the circle, so I guess it stands to reason that I wouldn’t fit in one now. I lied; Louis was within the circle, but look what happened to him. I don’t need to be the centre of it all (I know, that sounds totally different to who I am.. hahahaha..). With Donna again it was different. There was never any kind of power struggle between us. We just fitted and as much as we let people into our circle - anyone was welcome - we were also happy with just each other for company and she was always there whenever I needed her. I could have left work tonight, driven down there, let myself in and had dinner with them and she would not have known I was going down. It was just a given that I could turn up at any time (day or night) without an invite and I fitted. The same went for her when I wasn’t living at home - actually she could have still turned up when I was. There was never any question of being invited; the word invite didn’t exist between us. Halloween (having just passed us by) was the one night we got together every year without fail. It was the one year we could be our true selves ;) There would always be a party somewhere and after we’d get back to hers, get the tarot cards out and pretend we knew what the future held for the next year for us. I always find myself at such a loss on Halloween these days since she’s not been with me any more. Maybe that’s why I noticed my not fitting this year, because I saw how they were all dressed up and having fun and it reminded me that those days for me are no more. Ahh well; such is life as they say. 

Something struck me at 4 the other morning (aside from the dog’s paw where she was trying to shove me off the bed to give herself more room). I realised that after Donna died, I became an odd part (not an odd person, I’ve always been one of those) but more like a jigsaw bit that fits the space in a puzzle on 3 sides, but no matter how hard I try the 4th side is just the wrong shape to fit. I’m the black piece in the picture below. 3 sides fit perfectly but there’s that one that is the wrong shape. I think maybe that’s why I’ve felt so lost. I never fitted in anywhere as a child - I was the one that got bullied and the girl among the group of boys. Don’t get me wrong, people hung out with me because they wanted to (I think ;) ) but somehow I never fitted. While the few girls in our group had boyfriends, they were from within our group; mine were always from outside. I’ve always been the 3rd person (ooh; that’s why I was speaking about myself in the 3rd person earlier - I never understood the whole 3rd person bit, surely if it's just me, talking about me it would be in the 2nd person? :) ). Even when I was with Donna’s brother I was the odd one (until me and him split and Donna and I became a little twosome - I’m sure some people (lots of people) thought we were a couple.. hahaha). Then when I with Darren I was again the odd one, as Donna’s boyfriends were from within, he was on the outside. I don’t think I’ve been with anyone from within the circle, so I guess it stands to reason that I wouldn’t fit in one now. I lied; Louis was within the circle, but look what happened to him. I don’t need to be the centre of it all (I know, that sounds totally different to who I am.. hahahaha..). With Donna again it was different. There was never any kind of power struggle between us. We just fitted and as much as we let people into our circle - anyone was welcome - we were also happy with just each other for company and she was always there whenever I needed her. I could have left work, driven down there, let myself in and had dinner with them and she would not have known I was going down. It was just a given that I could turn up at any time (day or night) without an invite and I fitted. The same went for her when I wasn’t living at home - actually she could have still turned up when I was. There was never any question of being invited; the word invite didn’t exist between us. Halloween (having just passed us by) was the one night we got together every year without fail. It was the one year we could be our true selves ;) There would always be a party somewhere and after we’d get back to hers, get the tarot cards out and pretend we knew what the future held for the next year for us. I always find myself at such a loss on Halloween these days since she’s not been with me any more. Maybe that’s why I noticed my not fitting this year, because I had a news feed full or friends partying with each other dressed up and having fun and it reminded me that those days for me are no more. Ahh well; such is life as they say. 

I learned this morning that a fish tank heater really, really burns when you put your finger on it. Yeah, I know, stupid thing to do, but I never even thought about it. Was cleaning the girls tanks, turned the sockets off to remove the filter, popped the heater on the side. As I went to grab something out of the tank I caught the bottom side of my little finger on it and there was pain, and a funny kind of burning smell. It also melted through the plastic on the edge strip of the tank - the bloody thing was turned off but still hot enough to melt. I now have a lovely bright red finger and not amount of aloe vera is helping. Still, I won't make that mistake again :)

And that is it.. I've done nothing else but work and avoid social media and I've had a marvellous week because of it :)  I might try it again next week. 

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Who really gains?

Just realised the heading could apply to so many different things, but I'm not clever enough for it to be political, or pissed off enough for it to be about people; no, I'm talking about the clocks going back by an hour.

Every year when it happens we get told we "get an extra hour in bed". It's made out as if we are getting a huge gift of an hours extra sleep, but do we really? I'm sure there are some that went out last night and had a skinful who will wake up , get up, then realise they have an extra hour, but that won't have been spent in bed. The only people that truly gain are those who like to laze around in bed during a Sunday morning, but i can honestly say I know only one person that would do such a thing. Everyone else I know, and I guess pretty much most other people, actually lose out in a way. "What is she on about?" I can hear you collectively saying, but think about it. We have a routine every day, regardless of whether we want one or not, and at the end of the day if you are someone that turns an alarm off on a Sunday you're still not going to sleep any longer than your body needs so you won't gain an hours extra sleep at all. Even those that have to get up at 2 or 3am for work will probably have woken after the same amount of sleep as normal, because that's what they are used to. If they are able to get that extra hour, they still really won't gain in the end. I'll use myself as my example. I went to bed last night at midnight (normal on a Saturday for me). I probably got to sleep about 1am (I have a clock I stole from my brother that tells you the time every hour and heard it tell me when it was 1am so I definitely still awake then). I woke up just after 2am and 4.30am (thankfully I dropped back of again quite quickly). At 7 my neighbours dog woke me with their usual morning barking (this is where I notice a slight difference as they always wake me at 6 so I can only assume she had already changed her clocks and was therefore getting up at her usual time). Still not ready to get out of bed, I turned over and thankfully slept for another hour, getting up at 8 (this is normal for me on a Sunday). That means in new time that I was up at 7. Not a bad thing but it limited how what I could get on an do so as not to disturb other people (I am not as inconsiderate as my neighbours and tend to think before I go about making much noise before certain times of day). Now, instead of gaining an extra hour of sleep what I have actually gained is an extra hour of awake, and do I really need to be awake for another hour longer than normal?

How did I work this out? Quite easily. I am technically now awake an hour earlier than I would be, but I won't be going to bed an hour earlier?  In fact I shall actually be going to bed an hour later than I would normally, because when I climb into bed at 11 tonight, it will technically be midnight to my body clock. In effect I think I'd rather lose the hours sleep when they go forward, than have to force myself to stay awake an hour longer when they go back.

Now back to my normal weekly round-up of all that's been going on with me.........

yep.. that's pretty much it :)  The virus/cold/cough thing I had going on, is still..... yep.. going on although it's much better than it was. Never known one to last so long, but from what I can make out I'm not the only that's been suffering and I've been far luckier than others too. Anyone reading this who has been caught by it has my sympathy and wishes for you to have a speedy recovery.  I even had to take  sick day off work, which is so unlike me. 

I did have a couple of hand-written personal letters arrive this week, which is always nice. The speed of modern day messaging has taken away that whole art of letter writing (which I've moaned about before so won't bore you with again). They gave me something to do during those quiet times when I could have been feeling sorry for myself. I don't often use a pen and paper I will admit, but that's because my handwriting is so bad these days. The brain tends to think quicker than the hand can write, so I scrawl and miss out words, so I type and print. That's not a bad thing in another way either as I waste far less paper when I type, so not only do I save the planet (the trees) it also costs me less to post out my reply as I can get more than 3 times as many words per sheet.

Much excitement was mine on Friday - actually there was semi-excitement last Sunday to begin with. While I was away with Jase the previous week, we stopped at a cafe somewhere and I was able to get myself a raspberry slush (the ONLY flavour I like and thankfully the one most places seem to sell). Last Sunday while sitting at my pooter with not much going on (normal Sunday for me) I had a google search to see if you could buy the stuff to make my own, and you could have knocked me down with a feather (albeit a really big one of course) when I found a company that make it (I found a few others too but to be honest they seemed to be exceptionally cheap and if things like that are too cheap it worries me the flavour won't be good). I ordered myself just one of the smaller bottles as I didn't want to end up throwing too much away, but I should have ordered the biggest they do, for it was perfect and tasted exactly like the ones you buy in cafes (I have since ordered a large bottle - or 2). They also sent me some pouch things for mixing them in that you freeze and squeeze, but to be honest they don't make a lot and it's difficult to get the slush out, so I mixed the whole lot up, popped it in an ice-cream style tub and froze it. It's not as easy to get out (I had to use a hammer and chisel to break it up) and a blender to slush it, but it gives me the raspberry slush that I love so much. :) My tongue may never be pink again... 

I have nothing much else to share; it's been very quiet in life and work. However, I'm feeling better and tomorrow begins a new week... who knows what it may bring :)

Sunday, 18 October 2015

It's been a week of

highs (which were wonderful moments) and lows (which involved lots of coughing, pulled muscles and a minging cold - I didn't know it was possible to pull a neck muscle through coughing; I do now and I can't even begin to describe how bloody painful it is). 

This time last week (Sunday 11th) I was full of cold, with a chesty cough and throat that felt as if it had been scrubbed with sandpaper (on a too regular basis). Thankfully I had nothing much to do (not sure I could have done if I'd had too - I almost fell asleep watching the F1 race and I've NEVER done that before). I also didn't have to work on Monday (I was meant to be off from the Saturday until tomorrow, but my holiday didn't start until Sunday and I had to work Tuesday, so it all went a bit pear shaped). I spent Monday again doing as little as possible, except coughing, sneezing and I even considered cancelling my few days away with Jase that we had planned, because I was feeling so rough; I thought about it even more after work wore me out on the Tuesday, but Jase had organised and paid for it and I didn't want to let him down. Plus, it was visiting my favourite place and I didn't want to pull out of that. I figured it would either kill or cure me... it did neither but I'm glad I went.

I wasn't quite so pleased with the 5am wake up call on Wednesday morning. Jase had said the previous week he'd like to take a photo of the sun rising over Corfe Castle (he's a very good photographer and I was hoping to get some tips off him - which I did get; some very good ones) and when he first said it I laughed and told him he had no hope. Then I realised that coughing all night meant I wasn't getting any sleep as it was, so phoned him on Tuesday and told him I could be ready by 6am (this gave us enough time to get there and for him to set up his camera before the sun rose). As it was he was knocking on my door at 5.30 and we were on the road 10 minutes later. This turned out to be a bit of a blessing, when we took a turn earlier than we needed to, and did a 15 mile detour before finally arriving at the Castle. Thankfully it was still dark and he was able to get the shots he wanted. I learned some great tips from him while there, and also got to crunch around in the frost (yes, it was really frosty and most crunchy under foot - I was a bit of a wally and realised I'd left my hat at home so had to put the hood up on my coat (which made me look like a loon) and could have done with a pair of gloves to stop my fingers from freezing; by the time we got back to the car I thought my big toe on both feet must have had frostbite!!). 

After leaving there it was still extremely early and we were at a bit of a loss about what to do and decided to take a slow drive and see where we ended up. About 3 miles away we saw a sign for a place called Blue Pool on one of the brown tourist signs. I'd heard about it before but assumed it was just a large pond, but we took a drive round there to have a nose. We got there just before 9 but it didn't open until 10, so we sat in the car trying to decide what we should do, and came up with the idea of driving to Portland (we couldn't get into the campsite we were staying at until 12). Just as we were about to drive away a guy that works at the pool came by and said we could go in as we were there and pay when we came back out, so that's what we did. It's basically a walk around a pond which I think was once possibly a quarry with paths set out on different levels (I never saw anything that said what it is) but it was a nice enough stroll, we took some good photo's and once the cafe opened grabbed a cuppa and slice of tiffin. There was a deer walk that I suggested following but Jase said there wouldn't be anything about (this turned out to not be true as a lady we got chatting too said there had been loads, but you live and learn). We did find ourselves in the kids playground where Jase got me to jump off a log, and have a go on the swings.. been a really long time since I had a go on a swing, especially one for kids (I did worry I was going to break it.. hahaha). The reason he made me was for photographic purposes (I can only imagine how hideous I must look in them). 

We left the Blue Pool and headed off to the campsite at Durdle Door. It's the first time I've stayed there since I was a kid, and although I'd rather have been in my Nan and Grandads caravan like I was back then, the wooden pod I got to sleep in was perfectly adequate and much better than a tent would have been (it got down to freezing temps at night, and with the cold I've got the last thing I needed was to be cold). Now the dead spiders everywhere show they don't really got a proper clean, and had I seen the amount of huge black spiders that were living behind the lights above the bed I probably would have never stayed there, but I didn't see them until I was packing up to leave. The bed was comfy, the addition of heating was a bonus (the heater in Jason's pod wasn't anywhere near as good as mine) and 2 plug sockets kept camera's and phones fully charged (something you don't get with a tent). Having to wander to the loo's and try to cook outside reminded me that it wasn't glamping, it was just sleeping in a wooden tent - albeit one with additional bonuses and comfy beds :) We stopped there long enough to have a cuppa, and I also tried my first ever Dragon Fruit.

Once we'd unpacked, and got ourselves sorted, we then headed off to Portland, with a drive along Weymouth seafront of course - actually we never stopped at Weymouth at all, when we had originally planned on spending a day there doing the sealife centre, crazy golf, and the viewing tower (gives us an excuse to go back at a later date - once I've won the lottery of course). There's not a lot to do at Portland Bill (unless you climb the lighthouse which I've done before) but like most areas along the whole Jurassic coastline, it's somewhere you can easily wile away 4 or 5 hours without even realising. I could have sat on the rock I was on for hours just watching the waves roll in, the skies darken, the sunrays work their way through the clouds that were building. We had lunch in the cafe there which was typical cafe food, but it was hot, and a fair price; after we haD a nice wander along the rocks. 

It was dark by the time we left Portland, so we headed back to the pods and cooked up a chilli (and the irony is that it was SOOOOOO cold temperature wise outside, that by the time we dished up the chilli IT was in fact chilli to eat too). After we'd finished we walked from the campsite to the top of the field at Durdle Door so Jase could show me how to photograph the stars (something I have always wanted to be able to do). The sky was amazing and for the first time in my life I saw the Milky Way - the lack of light pollution made a huge difference. He managed to capture a decent pic or 2, but it was so cold, the wind was blowing so strong, that I ended up having to hide behind a boarding sign because I was freezing and was coughing like I was never going to stop. I lasted about an hour before realising if I didn't get into warmer air I was probably going to end up with pneumonia. I did agree to go to the pub on the campsite (The Blue Crab) but stayed for just one drink before calling it a night at 10pm and putting myself to bed. Had I been feeling normal I'd have stayed later and had a cracking night (especially as some army lads turned up after I did) but alas I was poorly so went to bed. 

We had discussed getting up for the sunrise on Thursday and I'd said I'd like to watch it from the top of Pimple Hill (not it's proper name but what it's always been known as in my family) as from there you can see across to Portland, Weymouth and Lulworth Cove. I came to just in time to hear a car starting so legged it across my pod, pulled back the curtains and saw Jase about to drive off without me. He said that he'd knocked on my door and tried to phone me but I'd not heard him; I thought I'd been awake the whole time but if I had been I'd have heard him. Anyway, he waited for me to whizz over to pee, then I hopped in with him as he'd decided to drive to the Cove and take some sunrise pics from down there. I wasn't that keen on it as I'd wanted to do it from the top of the hill, but I'm actually glad he changed our plans, as it was glorious down there. Aside from a few fishermen getting ready to go out, we had the whole place to ourselves. I took some photo's, but then wandered round to the cliff bottoms, sat myself on a rock and had an hour to myself just watching the tide ebb and flow. It truly is the most beautiful place to me. If I believed in such a thing I'd say it was my spiritual home. 

We got back from the beach about 9.30, headed back to the campsite where I had a shower (it was so nice with the site being quiet as I never saw another soul in the shower block the whole time we were there; I can imagine in the  height of the season though it would be horrendous as there were only 5 showers which would need to be shared between about 300 women - not a nice thought). Cooking breakfast was a challenge as the wind was so strong, and we seemed to be on the main pathway for it. In the end we built a barricade around the cookers and managed to fry up a pretty mean feast; it was stone cold by the time we ate it though as the temperatures were only just above freezing :) 

Jase had said he'd quite like to visit Monkey World (not somewhere I was particularly interested in; had been there years ago and thought it a waste of money) but he was driving and I'm an easy come, easy go kind of person with such things, so off we pootled. Thankfully it wasn't too busy, and I had a good time. It's not somewhere I would go back to and it's not somewhere I could spend more than a couple of hours at, but some of the primates there didn't look too sad and it's nice to see how they take these poor creatures that have been abused, rescue them and rehabilitate them. For the most part they seemed happy (there was one that appeared very distressed and it upset me to see it). There was also a very angry Chimp; really angry. Up by the cafe and exit, the last part is more open and you can stand on a viewing platform. When I got to it I was alone and was watching a chimp who was happy in his own world chomping away on a leek.

While watching him I could hear another one start to get irritated (I couldn't see it) and then all hell sounded like it was breaking loose in another part of their enclosure (that I still couldn't see). I've seen movies where a chimp will get angry, make a whooping sound and beat it's chest, and that's just how it sounded when these others kicked off. The one I was watching, turned his head slightly, looked as if to say "here they go again" then went back to his chilling and chomping. I stayed there for a while when Jase and another couple came along and joined me. Next thing this big old chimp wandered into view and was sat up on a hill further over. He looked like he could have been the one ranting before the others arrived, and you could see the other apes with him were going out of their way to avoid contact with him. Next thing he started whooping, stood up and began to beat his chest, bent down and picked up a rock in each hand, one of which he then launched in our direction. Thankfully he hit an overhang bit that was in front of the fence we had been leaning on. I dread to think what would have happened if he'd been a better shot. When we walked by their inner enclosure the super thick glass you can look through had several big chunks chipped out of it, so I can only assume he tends to throw a lot. God help anyone if he one day get's through the glass (which sounds crazy but is obviously weakened by the chunks missing). I'd not like to be on the receiving end of his anger. 

It was teatime when we got back, and we had planned to walk down to the door itself. A 45 degree angle for 700 metres it's a bit steep, but well worth the view when you get there (coming back up is not quite so nice). Jase had wanted to photograph the sunset over the door, but after chatting about it, he realised with his hip as bad as it was he wouldn't be able to get back up the cliff, and there was a lot of cloud building, so we put that on hold until a later date (if the main path is at a 45 degree angle I dread to think what the path I used when I went down and back up last year is at, as it was far steeper than the proper pathway).  In the end we chose to go to the pub onsite and grab some dinner (cooking again in the strong wind and cold put us off a bit). However, I have to admit we should probably have cooked our own as the food there leaves a lot to be desired. We both had cheeseburgers but the burgers themselves were as tough and tasteless as cardboard, and they came with a giant slug on top (it was a gherkin but resembled a slug).

We stayed long enough for a drink, before I submitted to the illness and lack of sleep and took myself off to bed just after 10.

Originally when we had talked about going away I wasn't expecting to get home until late on Friday as we were going to try and make the most of the time away, but I think my constant coughing was pissing Jase off a bit, and the new phone he's been waiting weeks for was delivered on Thursday, so I think he wanted to get home for that, so after we got up again before dawn and climbed the hill for the sunrise (which was hampered by thick cloud and was sooooooo windy we couldn't actually stand on top of the pimple) we packed up and started on our way home (we did have breakfast in the Blue Crab, which like the previous evening with the burger wasn't really the best. They had no hash browns so Jase asked if we could have sautéed potato instead, to which he was told NO. Apparently the chefs are Romanian and wouldn't have known what it was or how to cook it. A bit naughty advertising Hash Browns for their breakfast if they don't have them). 

On the way back we did stop at the New Forest Wildlife Park - I really do think this is my favourite tourist/animal place of them all. I could spend all day, every day there and not get bored. The 5 wolves were out and closer to the fence than I have ever seen them before. I also had another chat with the guy that owns the place and he was telling me some of the new ideas he has for other bits and pieces down there. It will be really interesting if he can pull it off, and I think it will make it an even bigger attraction than it is now. 

It was most definitely a whirlwind 3 days, and did nothing to temper my never-ending wish to be able to afford to give up work and spend my days exploring. I know some people that live for their work and could think of nothing more boring than spending their days visiting different places, but I would truly love to be able to do so. There is so much beauty on this island we all live on; I'd love to be able to visit it all. I'm not a jealous person by nature but am truly jealous of those people that don't have to work and who are able to get out and about and enjoy all there is on offer.

Saturday and today were spent popping more pills. swigging more cough mixture, hoping that I can feel slightly more human when I go back to work tomorrow. I have to admit if I worked for someone else I'd be phoning in sick and I'm not one for taking a sickie. 

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

I got asked

those 2 age old questions this morning - not age as in how old I am, but age as in they've been around for so long they're now part of history. I've been asked them many times and always answered the same thing, until this morning when I actually thought about them.

What were they?  If you could live your life again would you live it differently, and what would you change if you could? We've all been asked them (of that I am sure). Some people will probably have answered 'No' as they are happy with how their life has been, and how things have worked out for them. Some people will have answered 'yes' and have a big, long list of things they would want to change.  In the past I've always answered with a 'yes' I'd live it again, and a 'no' I wouldn't change anything.  Now it's always been asked as a theoretical question, but this morning it struck me that I actually can live it again.

I can see some of you sat there now, shaking your heads, wondering what this crazy woman is on about, as surely I can't live my life again unless I, A) have some kind of time machine (I don't) or B) am about to die and be reincarnated (I'm not). Actually, that poses another question and theory all together, because if you believe in reincarnation and would use that idea as your way to live your life again differently, you would technically be changing everything, for you would never come back as the person you are now, and the people who have been there and the places you have roamed and grown up in, would be different. The only way anyone could ever change how they've lived their life up to a point, would be if they have a DeLorean with a flux capacitor. Now I don't have one of those but I do get to live my life again, and if I choose to, I get to do it differently too. 

Before I get onto how I get to relive things, in relation to the other question about whether I would change anything about my past, the answer to that will always be 'NO'. Life isn't about "what if's" and regrets. Besides what would I change? Also, how would I know to live it differently? If the slate was wiped clean then surely so would everything else be, at which point I'd have no clue as to how I should be doing things!! Say I'd taken the plunge and gone to work in the USA as I always wanted to do. My life would have been different.... or would it? Ok, so I'd be in another country - that I love to visit - and I wouldn't have ended up with 'shit for brains' who then screwed me over and left me in debt. But.. without him I wouldn't have my number in my life and as I couldn't have a number one of my own, she worked out to be a pretty good substitute. Now you could say that I could still have her even if he'd not left me in debt, but if I'd had money after we split I wouldn't have hung around, so wouldn't have got to know her, love her, and have her and those younger siblings of hers in my life. I would never have had/shared the fun times I did with her Mum . Our friendship was built around my loathing of her brother, and both our lack of money. Yet even though we were possibly the poorest 2 people I've ever known, we had an amazing time hanging out with each other, coming up with different things to do with the number one that would be fun for not only her, but us also. If I'd had money I would have been hanging out with other people and doing different things, and I really wouldn't swap one evening with Donna for anything else. We would laugh so hard sometimes I was sure I was going to die. So you see, her brother screwed me over big time, but only in a financial way; what I got from him doing so brought me far more happiness and laughter than any amount of money could have done. You could argue that I may have met other people who I would have laughed with. If I'd had money I may have thought about adopting a child of my own instead of sharing my number 1, but I think life has a funny way of working itself out in the end, and I was never meant to be a Mum - but I make an amazing crazy aunt. I realise now that as much as I love kids, to be tied to one would not have been the life for me. As much as I moan about having to work, I love my job; if I'd had kids I would have had to forego what I do on a daily basis, and I think eventually I would have ended up resenting them. Spending my days running round after someone else, doing their washing, cooking, cleaning, making sure they always had everything they needed would have driven me mad. So, No, I wouldn't have changed any of it, although it would be nice if he now grew a conscience and paid me back. I wouldn't refuse having some money now :) 

I could say I'd change my time with Darren - who let's face it was a massive waste of space and of my time. Or was he? Living with him taught me that I could do things for myself, that I could share my space with someone. Oddly I became more independent when I lived with him than I'd ever been before, which is quite weird when I was one half of a couple. That independence I gained though, opened up the way for my life to go down a different path. I learned things about myself that I may not have learned had I been with someone else. Without that independence I would never have headed off to the states on my own last year - or maybe I would as I was willing to move there on my own so that argument is kinda moot but not at the same time. I learned how to be a housewife living with him.. hahahahaha. What a great thing to learn :) I'm sure I must have learned something else.. I just can't think what :)  I still wouldn't change it though and I have never regretted it; he was the right person for me at that point in my life. 

There are so many things we could say 'What if' to but what is the point of that? It doesn't make you happy to think about how different things could have turned out, and how do we know anything would have been different? Take me living in the US for example. Had I done so I would have had to work, so I'd have been in exactly the same situation I'm in now, just in a different country. Then when I had time off, rather than wish I could be over there visiting, or getting out and about and seeing some of the country, I'd most likely have to had time off and spend my holiday just visiting the area I lived in, as I would have friends or family over to stay, so although I'd be there, I wouldn't actually be able to get out and explore. By living here, my family and friends can be seen any day, so I get the opportunity then to head off states side and actually explore the country - if I had any money that is, which is why it would now be nice for people to pay me back... and back in the real world.... People often think the grass is greener, but it's really not. It's the same shade which appears different due to the light and shade cast by the fence. Once you step onto the other side, the side you've come from will look greener. The good thing is, you can often step back. That which you left behind, can still be found. Unless of course you've screwed someone over, then you can step back but you will find yourself on a different patch of grass. I know a couple of my exes have regretted stepping over the fence into greener pastures, and while they were able to step back, they were never allowed on my patch of grass again, just as I would never expect to be allowed back on to other's grassy patches. Some things once done can never be undone. They can be moved on from, but they can never be gone back to. Unless you have no self-respect of course, and sadly many people really don't have any. 

Back to the first part of the question of if I could live my life again would I do it differently.? What is this IF? The way I see it I CAN live my life again, and I most certainly will do things differently. No people, I've not lost my marbles at all. Think about it. I am currently thirty eight years old (plus 7 :) ) and as far as I'm concerned, I will live to be at least 90, which means I have only lived half a life. The rest is still out there for the taking, so in effect I get to live my life again. I've had 38 + 7 years to live, I now get that again and can start over. This time though it will be different. Not because the first time out was so bad, but because this time round I have a lifetime of knowledge and experiences to draw on.  Sadly some of the people I'd like to share the future experiences with are no longer able to join me (in the physical sense at least) but also some of the people that have caused me the most grief and pain, have no place in the next part so it's swings and roundabouts. You have to take the good and the bad.  I know towards the end things will slow down a bit, but they were slow at the very beginning, and therein lies that thing they call the 'circle of life'. 

I have no idea what the next half of my life will be like. I can guarantee there will be heartache, pain, tears and sorrow, but there will also be laughter, happiness and joy. That's just part of life, but the rest?? Well that's a blank canvas, the picture as yet to be determined. 

Sunday, 4 October 2015

I'm not sure

I actually learned anything this week - well I guess that's not technically true as I learned that having some kind of tummy bug at the same time as a minging cold will make me feel like shit, but that's an experience more than a learning. But you don't need to hear how I spent 14 hours praying to the god known as Hewey. 

It wasn't all bad this week though which was a bonus. I did think I might be on some kind of come down from the amazing week previously, but aside from the cold/sickness thing all was good. In fact I'd go so far as to say it was great. Not sure what exactly, but something happened within me personally this week (or maybe it started last week and has just continued) but I feel in a really good place. I know I've said before that things are good, and that's true, they have been and I've felt calmer and less stressed about things, but this week I really did feel as though I had some kind of personal awakening. Of course I can't explain what, as I don't know myself, but my head feels clearer than it's felt for years. Things that have been getting me down and affecting my mood no longer mean anything and don't matter - I wouldn't normally let things disappear on me that quickly; I'd push them to the back of my mind but they'd never go completely. However, this week so much clutter has gone, things that were there lurking have gone also, and I feel quite marvellous. 

It appears the difference in me has been noticed by others too, as my Mum asked me the other day how the pills were working (the ones for my wonky hormones) and I said I wasn't sure they were yet - I've not been taking them long enough for them to be working - but she then said to me "Well don't stop taking them" because she said I've been a nicer person.. hahahaha. I must be calmer and nicer if she's brave enough to say that to me. The funny thing is she's actually not been a pain in the arse which is why I've been nicer. I bounce off people the way they are with me; if someone snaps at me, I'll snap back. If someone is grumpy with me then I'm grumpy back. That's why I've been happy in recent weeks, because I've been hanging out with people that have been happy with me, and I thought that was what was making me feel better, but I think it's not them, or anyone else at all; I think it's me. I finally believe all the crap I tell other people - that the only person that can make me happy, is me, and right now I'm doing a pretty good job of it. 

I was quite excited yesterday by a discovery I made - quite by chance. While out walking the dog the other week I came across a clump of toadstools (I do like finding different fungi's) and it struck me that I'd not seen any of the fairy/elf style toadstools that were often found in the woods and fields when I was a  kid; the red one with the white dots on top. The atypical toadstool that you see in all the fairytale stories that involve the woodland folk.  I even began to doubt if I had actually seen them before in real life, or if they just existed in the books I'd read, it had been that long since I'd seen one, and as someone that is in different fields and woods at least once a week, the lack of their presence suggested that they no longer existed. Then yesterday I decided I wanted to try out a walk I'd heard about in the New Forest, so after the appointment I had with a bride, I grabbed Mum and the dog and dragged them along with me. Have to admit the walk wasn't as good as I'd assumed it would be from what I'd read about it, but it was a lovely place to have a stroll just the same. Before getting back to the car park there was another arboretum thingy so we headed off for a look at that too. There were kids everywhere pulling up bracken, jumping on (and off) trees, and parents just sat there letting them behave like it too (bad parents) but we got round the other side and as we were chatting something caught my eye sitting in the middle of a field, a few feet from a tree. At first I thought I was imagining it, but as I got closer I could see that it really was what I thought it was; a red toadstool with white dots. 

I can't even tell you how excited I was to find it - especially with the kids and dogs there were running round uncontrolled by anyone; the fact it was standing was a miracle in itself. I know it's crazy to get excited by something so mundane, but it bought back to me how often things like that happen in my life. How I'll talk about someone I've not seen for years and would love to hear from, and suddenly I hear from them. How I can answer a question with Nathan (and him with me) before he's asked. How if I really want something I end up getting it, and it struck me that if I don't get something then I obviously didn't really want it to begin with. Oddly enough as I was writing that and thinking about things, a message popped up on my FB so I stopped to read it, and top of my news feed was this... 

Another coincidence? Or is someone out there trying to tell me something? hahahaha.. 

Sunday, 27 September 2015

It's all been a bit Ugly!!!!! :)

So I learned Sunday night - well the early hours of Monday morning really, and especially around 11am on Monday, that late nights and me no longer agree with each other. I think I'm getting old :)  That's not strictly true though; the late night was fine, it was having to get up the next morning that did me in :) 

Why was I out late? Well in case I've not already told you, I went to see the mighty Ugly Kid Joe (also saw them Tuesday and Friday which you'll know if you keep reading :) ) Ahh Reading, well Reading as in the place and not reading, as in sitting down reading a book (no wonder English is such a hard language to learn!!). Anyway, Reading (the place) and what a place - I don't really mean that in a good way either. As always UKJ is a night out with the Nutty one (she went to see the Dalai Lama on Saturday, so really went from one extreme to the other :) ). Now, back to Reading; what a bloody nightmare that caused us, and a fair bit of unnecessary stress too. I did take a wrong turn on the way (nothing new there for me) so we had to ask Google to help - which she (I don't like my google being a she, but hey ho) got us where we needed to be (a car park directly opposite the venue, if you ignore the T shit hole shop in between, so really nice and close). We go to pull into said car park to find the bloody thing closed; from sodding midnight on Saturday until 6am Monday. How bloody inconvenient; even more so as the Nutty one has ruptured her Achilles tendon so walking too far is a definite no-go for her. Not the kind of people to let such a thing halt us in any way, and knowing we were in a big town we figured finding another car park close by would be easy enough. How stupid we were. For an HOUR we drove round the bloody place, up and down sodding one way systems before finding a car park by the train station, for that to be a short stay one, so was no good. Eventually (after a 3 mile drive because of their crap one-way system) we found the long stay car park for the train station. A quick jaunt through it would see us the other side, with a just a short stroll to the venue; simples you would think? But NO; you can't enter a bloody train station in this day and age without a sodding ticket, leading us to a mile long walk. Now this is not an issue for me, but the poor Nutty one has enough trouble on a normal day, let alone when she's got a bad Achilles (thankfully when we headed home at midnight the barriers were down so we didn't have to walk the streets and tunnels to get to the car). She did it though and when we got into the venue (a really nice place - if you're ever after a venue in Reading; head to The Bowery) they had some nice big, comfy sofa's so while I got drinks, she was able to rest her feet. The seat was a fair way back from the front, but I could see ok (ish) so we said we'd stay there. Then as time got nearer she decided she might not be able to see, so we worked out a pillar a couple of rows back from the front would be a good spot so she could lean against it; when we got there 2 guys right on the front row moved, and told us to take their places. Who were we to argue and that's how we ended up leaning on the barriers at the front (this year though there was no sweaty body pressed against my cheek as Whit never came off stage; in fact he was very subdued compared to how he'd been the previous times we'd seen them, but that didn't stop us from jumping, rocking and having a bloody good evening). My favouritist song (ever) got dedicated to a guy stood behind me who has become my new best friend... hahaha.. What a great guy he is. I clocked him the minute he walked into the building (he couldn't really be missed as he had a 10 inch long, multi-coloured mohican). We got chatting (like you do) and by the time UKJ came on stage me and him were bouncing and rocking out together (it's a good job his wife/gf wasn't a jealous woman as she was with him :) ) It was the best mohawk I've seen in a really long time. It saddened me when he was saying a woman earlier had dragged her little one away from him saying awful things because he had piercings, tats and the hair. Pisses me off so badly when people judge someone on how they look on the outside, because he is a genuinely lovely guy. 

Not the most flattering shot of me, but if you ever see this guy out on the street, be sure you go say Hi. he's lovely :) 
I did have one girl try it on with me (not in that way). People bunched up a bit before UKJ came on so I moved along a bit and some woman was stood to the side of me, so I told her to shifty in and stand in the spot I'd been in. She asked if we'd been there since the beginning (uh yeah, otherwise we'd have been right down the back). She thanked me for the offer but stayed to the side; just then this tiny little dolly bird thing, with boobs bursting out of her top, and a rugby player looking kind of guy who was obviously just there to keep the g/f happy, tried to squeeze in between me and the nutty one. You can imagine my surprise at this and when I challenged her she said "I want to get in so I can see".. hmmm.. my reply was along the lines of "well you're not fuffing standing there" (where she wanted to stand would have put her almost centre stage). I suggested she move to the other side of me, which she eventually did squeezing out the other woman, and through the whole set she did everything she could to get herself noticed. So sad when people have to act that way. She picked on the wrong person though trying it on with me (especially when me and the nutty ones were the only people in the building larger than a size 10 :) ). I wasn't letting some little waif push me aside - oh no :) Not sure any of this really has much to do with learning?? Yes; I learned Reading is a nightmare place to park. that people are not always as they seem and that I'm getting a bit old for late nights and early mornings :)

On the way home I finally learned how to properly use the cruise control on my car; it helped with their being no traffic about :)  We hit the M3 and they had 50mph road works pretty much all the way, so I stuck the CC on 50 and just steered; I can see why other people use it so often. I always use my speed restriction when I'm around town, but the CC was a first for me. I only hope when I use the motorways in future they will be clear enough for me to do the same again :)

Me and Gav - the man that makes it happen :) 
Tuesday; what can I say about Tuesday? So many things, but really not enough time for half of it :) I honestly wasn't entirely convinced about going (I know; shock horror, how could I say such a thing? - it was *one of those* days). I am so glad I did though,so very glad I did. We got down to Bournemouth in super time and had a couple of hours to kill before we could get into the venue (we had VIP passes - I know; go us - so got in a lot earlier than everyone else). The Nutty one had joked earlier about us being the only ones with VIP and bugger me she was almost right; it was just us and our new friend Karl (the guy with the mohawk). Hanging out with the band you've loved for 23 years is a very surreal experience. I felt like I was eavesdropping on their sound check (that in itself was like a mini-gig just for us). They sounded AMAZING (I can't use that word enough right now). The Nutty one missed a moment. She'd asked Whit if she could ask a favour, to which he replied (you can have whatever you want). Let's not even go there with what I might have wanted!!! :) She actually wanted them to do the "L" sign for her to use on the Lupus website, and they did it without question. They may sound/act on stage like a rough rock band, but they are such lovely, normal people. One of the guys from the support band Hailmary (they're pretty good I must say, and worth checking out) was telling me that they're even nicer when you know them as friends. 

There's a better photo of them but I look awful in it, so this is one to share :) 
We hadn't planned on being at the front, in fact we had no intentions of being anywhere near the front, I ended up on the front row and I am so glad I did, for during my favourite song, Whit and Sonny leaned forward and sang 3 lines from it to me :) I also had Whit do the same with 2 other songs :) I'm sure they probably do it to lots of people, but having spent time with them before, and then having that, really made my evening :) Of course the Nutty one wasn't filming or taking pics at that point, but hey ho. I have the memory of it, and the mans eyes.. oh his eyes... as he stared directly at me. It was quite unnerving the first time he did it, as eye contact is something that can be awkward, but once he stares at you, you have no choice but to stare back. It sure made me smile. I'm sure he does it to many people, but in that moment he has a knack of making you feel special (and not in my usual way :) ) His girlfriend is a very lucky lady.

The reason I ended up front row was down to a couple of completely random guys (story of my life this week :) ). One was obviously off his head on some kind of drug (if he wasn't then I'd be even more concerned by his behaviour), the other was as drunk as a skunk and both of them grabbed me from where I was happily situated a few rows back, with a wall to lean on and keep upright, but they man-handled me and made me stand right at the front. Well, who was I to argue? hahahaha. Mind you, the drunk one then kept touching me up and kissing the back of my neck; it's a good job I know how to handle people like that and was wearing my spanx to keep all the wobbly bits in (I have mentioned spanx in the last paragraph of this entry).

The drummer is missing.. he was off drumming :) 
Ahh; and Tim. How could I forget Tim? What a great guy, who is originally from my neck of the woods - he moved to Australia 25 years ago, but still remembers his home town :) We had a good waffle with him before and after the show. He's playing guitar with Richards/Crane (and very well he plays it too) but again, like the rest of them he's just a normal guy, who happens to play a guitar alongside a rock god (who is also a really normal guy).

Then Friday happened; possibly the most amazing, surreal, real, odd, annoying, stressful, perfect day of my life :)

The Nutty one was meant to get to me before 3 but got caught up at work and didn't arrive until almost 3.30. We had to be in Brighton for 5.30, and the times on the satnav apps were saying it would take us over that. I was also having a massive confidence crisis too thanks to the arsehole taxi driver the previous day. I got myself all stressed we weren't going to make it on time but the nutty one kept assuring me it would 'be fine' which was annoying in one way, but lovely in another as her positivity obviously worked because we got there with 10 minutes to spare. I even managed to park directly behind the bands tour bus :)

Walking to the queue of others waiting to go in early we bumped into Whit and Gav stood outside a doorway nobody was waiting at :) We got a big smile from them both and a lovely hug from Whit. Gav was lovely too and when he was signing people in he made us feel super special; after the chat and hugs already, then him treating us almost likes friends when he was signing people in, we got some very odd looks from others :)  Inside it was the same, and young Zac bless him gave me a massive old bear hug and was really chatting with me; he also hugged me later in the main room and gave me a wave as he was about to go up on stage. Annette and Whit had a good waffle too, and while everyone else seemed to go out of their way to avoid talking to them, I wandered over and had a chat, and snapped off a great selfie of me and Whit (oh and he likes to play Words with friends :) )

Sonny was really chatty with me too and even Klaus and I had a good waffle. Cordell was great, gave me a big hug and thanked me for sending the pics I'd sent him from Tuesday (he asked me for them so I wasn't being some stalker type). The others in the room all kind of radiated to us like we were part of it all, and when the support act guys singled us out too, that was really the beginning of what was to be a good night. We were treated as if we were part of it all. So lovely. Hahahaha..  I might have a little bit of a crush on Gav - who would know such a thing about me? hahaha..

I did have another photo taken with all the guys in which they have great expressions on their faces, but I look like a gimp; might have to photoshop myself out of one and into the other.. haha.. that would work. A couple from our area hooked up with us and were lovely. They met up with us after too and we introduced them to Tim. OMG; Tim. What an absolutely wonderful man. We didn't see him before he went on stage as he had friends with him, but he stepped on that stage he clocked us and waved to us both. During Hailmary's set he came and stood with us for a couple of songs, then caught up with us after the gig. We hung out chatting with him for a while until he was ready to meet up with the others to go for dinner. We've promised when he's in the UK next to meet up for a beer or 2 with him, and I know we really will. He really is a lovely guy. Cordell was lovely last night too, and gave me a massive hug as well as a kiss on the cheek when he came off stage, and made a point of doing so again when we left. Lee Richards stopped for a chat with us, and hugged us too (so many hugs). I also got a hug off Gav (who chatted briefly after the gig as he was still working). He told us it would cost a fiver but I got a freebie :) :) We could have spent a lot longer with them but it was getting late, I had an early start and a long drive home. The only downside to the night (which musically was phenomenal) was some dinny bitch next to me who spent the whole gig taking selfies and uploading them to Facebook so I spent most of the night viewing her gurning via her phone screen, and when she wasn't admiring herself, she was jabbing her boney elbows into my arms to try and get me to move, so the drunken waste of space whose face she was chewing off in some of her selfies, could get on the front row as well. I may be covered in bruises but I took my ground. No way was I letting him in as well. The drive home was odd; we both said we felt like we'd been out and spent an evening with friends. Was so surreal, yet extremely wonderful, and any confidence issues I had well and truly disappeared.

Spanx; I complained about this stuff recently - at the time the complaint was justified - but my goodness it has become my new best friend. Figuring I didn't want to look like Jabba the Hut on Tuesday, I dug the stuff back out of the deepest, darkest depths of my wardrobe.  I have 2 lots, one is a medium control, one a firm. I've never worn either for longer than 5 minutes because they were (are) most uncomfortable and because they make me sweat like a pig. However, they do make a difference and pull in my loose wobbly bits so they're not quite so loose and wobbly. Obviously they can't work miracles, but they sure do help. Now maybe it's because it was cooler on Tuesday when I first plied myself into them (I can only imagine now how someone has to push and squeeze themselves into a wet suit - most awkward and not easy to do) but I was able to feel not quite so uncomfy in them and nowhere near as sweaty as the last time I wore them (that all changed once I got to the gig and hundreds of people packed in around us, and the light show started.. and... well let's just say I melted, but then that's where the beauty of the elastic, nylon stuff really comes into it's own. Not only do they pull you in and tighten any loose bits; they also help you shed pounds by making you sweat more than you ever thought was possible. It was like one of my hormone night sweats, but a thousand times worse. I think I would have been drier if I'd stood under the shower, or taken a dip in the sea. The worst part though, the very worst thing, is when you need to pee. These things are crutch-less (I have the all in one job with thigh tighteners, so can't speak for just the body suit ones) and as great as that may sound to some of you, let me tell you that having just an opening slit to pee through is really NOT easy in any way, shape or form (I have to wear undies over the top of them too as I can't bear the thought of my bits rubbing against trouser seams, or being exposed if I was to wear a dress - it also wouldn't be nice for other people to witness). While wearing undies (as overs) stops this, I'd prefer to wear them under the whole thing and think they must have been designed by a man. No woman would leave other women exposed in such a way, and they'd definitely not make it as difficult when it comes to peeing. I know that hook and eye, and poppers on a gusset area are not easy (the bit from the back to front disappears and you have to contort yourself into the most uncomfortable position to grab it, stretch it back round and then re-attach yourself, whilst hoping that either the poppers hold their position or the hooks and eyes don't dig in, but I am sure if they were to create a longer back flap (I know how that sounds but it's really the only word I can use) that then attaches further to the front rather than underneath they would sell a lot more of the things. Of course if you have time to undress yourself, then pull it back up, tuck everything back in and have room to move in toilets the size of a kids dolls house, then you could just pull the whole thing down, but as there is no room in club loos, you have to just hope and pray that you make it through the slit and don't end up pissing all over yourself. How nice that would smell when you then begin to sweat. Haven't I just conjured up a lovely image for you all?? hahahaha. Of course you could just not drink anything so you wouldn't need to pee, but dehydration is not a nice thing; I'd rather smell of wee than dehydrate :) That Kim Kardashian woman that is always pictured in her spanx must stink, because she always looks as if she's wearing ones that are a couple of sizes too small for her as well... euch.. 

Friday, 25 September 2015

Confidence Dented

BIG TIME; way more than it should have been, but I guess less than it could have been. All the same though, it's taken a pretty big bashing, a hard knock, and I'm angry at myself for letting someone I've never met before (will most likely never meet again) who had to resort to abusing me because he wasn't/isn't intelligent enough to hold a conversation with someone, get to me so badly. Especially today as I am off to see Ugly Kid Joe again tonight, but right now I'm terrified at the thought of being in a room with so many people; if one person can say what this creature said to me, then so can others. I'm not stupid, I know many people have thought it (I often think it myself) and on more than one occasion I've had *the look* from people (normally men, and unless you are a fat bird - or man, I guess they get *the look* from women too, then I couldn't explain it to you and you probably wouldn't understand) but until yesterday nobody had ever used the word FAT when having a bash at me (and let's face it I have been abused by many, many people in my lifetime). He added the 'See you next Tuesday' word after, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest, as among some of my friends that's classed as a term of endearment. It was the fat word that hurt, and I can't even begin to tell you just how much. 

I'm not stupid, I know I'm fat, I tell people I'm fat, I look in the mirror and see the fat woman staring back at me. I spent many years alone because of my fatness (sorry guys, but most men are too shallow to look beyond the outer shell to see the woman who hides herself behind the layers of blubber - and that's exactly what I did, I used it to hide in the hope people would look beyond it, and see the real me). I know this, you know it, I used those layers to keep myself hidden away , so yesterday, not only did his words hurt me, they also exposed me, and feeling exposed is something I experienced in my life a really long time ago, and hoped I'd never have to experience again - oddly it's the biggest reason I allowed myself to get fat to begin with so having my life opened up to me in such a way, has also opened up a massive can of worms, that should never have been allowed to escape. 

I have no doubt by this time next week his words will be buried in a memory vault somewhere, but right now it is all I can think about, and knowing that tonight there will be so many people around that could be thinking the same is really messing with my head.  I know it's totally stupid to think that way, but I believe part of the reason is because it's only me and the Nutty one going out. Maybe if there were more I could hide in among a group of people, but with it being just the 2 of us, I will be exposed again. 

When I was a kid and had Anita and her cronies smacking me around the head with their bags (a house-brick was used once and is the reason I have an extra dimple on my cheek) or bashing my head into a brick wall (which they did on more than one occasion - in a one-on-one or even a 2-on-one I could have held my own against them, but there were always a minimum of 3 of them doing it). They'd call me all kinds of names (never fat though because back then I wasn't) and to make me feel better Mum would tell me the old rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". Now I love my Mum, and I know she was trying to make me feel better, but she LIED. Cracked skulls, broken arms, split lips, torn cheeks; they all healed, and pretty quickly (I do have a very amazing self-healing body) but the words? The tongue is more vicious than any brick, wall, weapon or fist. Word scars never heal; they may fade a bit, but they're always there, lurking in the background, waiting for that next time. 

The man that caused my confidence meltdown is no better than those girls in Infant school, who were replaced by Natalie and Sara when I moved up to the seniors (I went to a different school to my earlier bullies to avoid them, but they just got replaced with new ones, who made the first 3 years of high school a bloody nightmare - that did stop once I eventually took out the main girl at the age of 14, but by then the damage had been done). I've dealt with bullies my whole life (shit, even some of the people that were meant to be real friends in my life have actually been nothing more than nasty bullies) but in recent months I've finally defeated them all, and was beginning to see some kind of light. Life was looking good (and I'm sure it still will be) but right now I feel like that vulnerable girl who first realised she could create her own barriers to keep people out (for I was just a girl still when the barriers went up - they've come down many times, just to be built a lot higher the next time the abuse ended and I had to start again). I look back and remember who I used to be; the girl with curves (I was never skinny and never wanted to be, but I sure had curves in the right places). The girl that could wear anything without having to worry how she looked; the girl that loved her dungarees, vest tops, and chunky shoes. I should never have let her get away, but she showed me my escape route; she was the one that pointed out how easily I could pile on the pounds, that it really wouldn't take much to do so either. She was the one that put on 4 stone in 3 months just by taking the pill (even that gain never made me fat - a bit chunkier and more solid than I had been, but not fat). That girl learned how easy it was, and she saw that as her escape. Some days when I look in the mirror I really don't like her, and if I could travel back in time, I'd slap her myself (HARD). I'm not sure if she's caused me more issues, or if she helped me escape; that's something I'll never know. What I do know is that I have to push the vile creature that abused me into a dark corner of my mind somewhere (I could never erase him; he now has his place among all the others) and I have to move on. Maybe I need to find that younger version of me; maybe I need to slap her (hard) and then maybe I need to move on and make sure it never happens again. Right now though I need to draw on every ounce of strength I have left, to get me through the day. I have my favourite band playing live tonight; their music can lift me higher than any drug could. This could be the last time I ever get to hear them live too, so I need to make sure I block out all the negativity and people around me, and just get my ears prepared. 

Sunday, 20 September 2015

What a week

it's been all quite marvellous, and from today it's only going to get better too; wait until I sit down to write next weeks, week :) 

It didn't start quite so good, in fact Monday morning I considered locking up the shop and going home again. I had a particularly bad nights sleep (or should that be awake? as there really wasn't much sleep had at all - 2 hours max).  I then got to work and as I was putting the planters out the front the heavens opened on me and I was drenched right down to my undies, so spent the whole day in damp clothes (not a nice thing). My first customer came in with a complaint (not my fault at all and she did apologise in the end, but not really what I needed). Then the RUDEST man phoned me up about something and actually hung up on me in mid-sentence; for 2 pins I would have shut the shop, walked over to where he lives (it's less than 150 steps away) and smacked the vile little creature about the head - really HARD.  I wouldn't mind but I was actually trying to help him (those of you that know me proper should head over to the shops page where I've transcribed our whole conversation). I also had my number one call me a fool and tell me to man up, but that was in response to a chat we had last night, and she was justified in what she was saying.  Thankfully that was the only damp part of the week, and by the time Monday lunchtime arrived, things were moving along marvellously :)

Hahaha.. I was sat at work Monday afternoon and decided to have a sort out of bits on my pooter, which lead me to this blog also where I saw that I'd deleted some photo's by accident (the downside to google is how everything is linked and I'd deleted a photo album on my G+ not realising it contained all the ones from my blog entry, so I've had to replace them all.. Anyway.. that's by the by.. while there I came across an entry I'd written about a book review I'd left... it can be found by clicking HERE. Oh my goodness, how I was stalked on the internet because of that review. The author himself gave me shit and constantly bombarded me with emails (until I blocked him). His friends and family did too; it was chaos for a few months. In fact I'm not proud to admit this (and wasn't at the time either) but I bowed down to their bullying and edited the review down to something a lot less honest than it had been originally. Because of my cowardliness I've since re-shared the blog entry with the review.. hahaha.. I'm not quite so scared of people these days :) I also found my review of IT that I left and that still stands as much today as it did when I wrote it. Great book, one of the best ever written (in my opinion). My review of that can be read HERE.. if you've not read it, I suggest you put aside a couple of evenings and give it a try. I'm not saying you're going to love it, you may not even like it, but it's one you should consider - in my humble opinion :)

One thing I do need to get out of the way, and then I should hopefully not have to discuss anything else to do with a certain set of people, is that not only is one of these people nasty (not something that I did know before) but what I didn't realise is that they are actually nastier than I though they were. It suddenly struck me that they've actually been messing with the mind of a genuinely mentally unstable person. What kind of sick f(*k would do such a thing to a person with mental health issues? I thought they were just being an arse, but that is so below the belt it's on the soles of feet. And there ends my dealings and discussions about them from this day forward. I will waste no more of my time and energy trying to figure out why they (and others - they are not alone in this) have done (and are doing). They will gain nothing from it, so it all seems pointless to me, but then I guess I'm not them, don't have the same nasty streak as them, and am not inside their heads (thank goodness, for I think I would be more than a little disturbed if I was). 

Tonight I am off to the first of 3 Ugly Kid Joe gigs :) When I booked the tickets the 3 nights seemed like a good idea - I had money for fuel back then, and someone that could cover me at the shop. Now though it's not seeming quite so bright of me, as I have no money and nobody to cover the shop. As I won't be getting home until 2 or 3am (tomorrow, Wednesday and Saturday) I may find I'm a little bit tired by next week. However, it will all be more than worth it, and I have no doubt raw adrenalin will keep me going :) If they are half as good as they were the past 2 times I've seen them, then we are in a for a trio of great nights :) 

I read through the book I've been writing the other night - I've been promising to write one for years and have been currently giving it a go for the past 18 months. I realised that while the concept is a really good one, and I think it will make a good story, my actual writing skills are shit (even that awful author guy that stalked, harassed and hounded me for so long over the honest review I left about his book (see a couple of paragraphs above) is a better writer than I am, so that says how bad my tale is). Once I have finished reading IT in the evenings (can't believe I read it in one weekend the first time round, as this time it seems to be taking me forever) then I shall break up each chapter and do a re-write of the whole thing. Hopefully it may make it a bit more interesting and readable.

As you can see I've not really learned (or done) much at all this week, but not every week can be filled with new things. My brain can't be overloaded and have too much shoved into it at one time :) Just because I've not learned though doesn't mean it's not been a pretty good week. I had someone tell me they love me (and it was a genuine comment, not just something flippant, or the kind I use when telling friends). It's too little, too late, but it was nice to know that there is someone out there that loves me. I caught up with an old friend for coffee on my day off, Jase sent me some ideas of places he wants us to visit when we go away next month. Not sure we'll fit them all in (we only have 2 nights and 3 days) but knowing what we're like I'm sure we'll get quite a few of them in :) It should be a good mini-break and having separate sleeping pods means we won't fall out with each other so all should be good :)

I did learn that I don't need to mix up the whole bottle of hair dye to do my roots (not that I did my roots today; I went for a full all over cover - there really was a lot of grey), but apparently as long as I seal the bottles I can mix up only what I need; I always thought you had to mix the whole lot. For 33 years I've been dyeing my hair and I only just learned this :) From now on the roots can be done every 3 weeks; hurrah :) It won' t keep the grey at bay, but it will certainly help :)

Thursday, 17 September 2015

I know it's midweek

well sort of; to some Wednesday (yesterday) is midweek, but for the purposes of this blog post, today is midweek - in my world at least :) 

I also know I usually do my 'Things I've learned' which does include things I've done that I've never done before, on a Sunday, but today I have done something I've never done before, and honestly never thought I would do to begin with. Will I be doing it again? Yep; I believe I may do it for the next couple of days.

First of all though, let me tell you how I am having the day off today. It's been weird to have a day off for no reason. Well, there is a reason as such because the Mother is out for the day so I've been in charge of the dog. I never needed to take a whole day off to spend with her (to be honest I could probably have left her on her own all day, as she's a lazy little fat bum and is happy enough to spend all day in bed) but I am a good dog owner, and hate the thought of her being left for more than 5 hours on her own. I could have just come home lunchtime and taken her for a stroll, but Becky is back at college part-time and has to complete so many hours work experience, so she is now going to work all day Thursday - bonus that she has to do it for college, as I don't have to pay her because it's work experience; not that I've paid her for years anyway because she knew we couldn't afford her, but she wanted to keep working for the experience herself. Now she has to do it though it means I get it even better. Anyway, back to my day off. From now on I have decided to take a Thursday afternoon off (a whole day once a month) and today happened to be the day I'd chosen as my whole day off, which worked out perfectly with Mum not being about for the dog. It's amazing how much you can get done when there is nobody else around to distract. I got my shopping and washing done (almost got the washing dry but a bloody cloud appeared and put paid to that). I dropped off something to a friend (he was at work so I didn't stop). I picked up some shopping for another friend who is housebound right now and stayed for a chat when I got there. I popped in to see another friend at work and had a coffee and catch up with him. I hoovered my car (which was full of New Forest mud :)  I've not actually hoovered since before our first camping trip as I kept telling myself it would be a waste of time when I still had more weekends booked. I don't clean the windows or outside of the car (I have a brother for that). I sorted the cat's bits out, walked the dog, paid my bills, cleaned and tidied indoors, did a water change on all 3 fishtanks, and was still finished, showered and back in my PJ's by 1.30pm. How is that possible? The only downside is being reminded how much I love being a housewife (yes, I am aware I'm not married so not a wife, and don't have my own house but you know what I mean). Those 7 weeks off I had when I was Darren proved to me that if I had the money to pay my bills, I would most definitely be happy not to work. Sadly I don't have any money and will most likely still be working until the day I die. :(

Back to why I started this in the first place.. It was because of my little Marcel (one of the rescue fish). He's had a swim bladder issue ever since I took him on.. Sometimes it's worse than others. I've tried all sorts; potions, lotions, antibiotics but the one thing that has always worked in the past are peas. Frozen peas that have been cooked and skinned. However, for the past few days he's been bobbing about upside down and although I put some peas in, he's not been getting any; his tank mates (Mildred especially) are bigger than him and will bash him out of the way for any kind of food. Worried about him popping his clogs (someone actually suggested I bump him off, but he still gets about and is healthy in every other way; it also doesn't seem to cause him any problems, and I know that to euthanise a fish they suggest putting it in a bag of water then placing that bag in the freezer - to me that sounds really Cruel) but I am digressing. Trying to see what else I could come up with I got myself onto the internet and found a man that seems to know about these things (gotta love the web sometimes). He suggested I spear a piece of pea onto a cocktail stick and hold it near the fish so he can eat it without it sinking. Sounded like a top idea; I tried it this afternoon and he was having none of it. At my wits end wanting to help him, I scooped him into my hand, making sure he was still in the water, mushed up some peas to make them easier to eat, put them in my hand also, again making sure they were in water, but not enough so they (and Marcel) could float away, and the little bobbing thing chomped away on them for a good 20 minutes. It was almost as if he knew I was trying to help him :) I feel like a really good fish Mummy right now :) Not sure it's going to help (he's still upside down) but he's a lot more active than he was, and has been able to avoid Mildred's amorous advances :) So, what did I learn? That it's possible and quite easy to hand-feed a fishy :)