Thursday, 21 August 2014

I didn't really know

what pride felt like until earlier today, but I can honestly say right now I feel so proud I could burst. I used to hear people say they felt proud of their children, friends or family members, and while I thought I knew what it meant, I never really understood the feeling. Then my number 1 went and got the exam result she needed to go to uni and I suddenly learned what it really means, and I could not be prouder if I tried. It's an odd feeling because I'm just her crazy aunt so I've not really got a reason to feel like I do, but I've been there since day 1 and know what she's been through to get where she is today and that's what makes me proud of her. 

Things people don't know (or aren't aware of) because she's not the kind of girl to whine about how hard her life is (except in endless ranting emails and messages to me) are many. Just to get to the stage where she was able to sit in an exam room has been a battle for her. To me nobody deserves to be where she is right now more than she does. 

The week her Mum died, she didn't just lose her Mum... she lost her sister and brother (they went to live with their Dad).. She lost the family dog (who went with the younger kids).. she lost her tortoise (he died the Saturday after her Mum died on the Monday) and then just 2 days later she lost her home (her step-dad is the spawn of the devil and deserves to suffer a long, painful life) when she was evicted; this was her family home and she was cast out onto the streets. This would have been enough to break many people, but she took it in her stride.

Then the only family she had left (her uncle and his he/she wife thing) walked away from her and left her to deal with everything. Not only did she have to deal with the fallout from her Mum's husband things family, from the friends of her Mums that weren't really friends, she also had to deal with it on her own. Yes I was there and her Mums best friends were there, but at the end of the day we couldn't take away what she was dealing with; we could only be there for her when she needed to rant, shout, or cry (something she doesn't do a lot as she has a black stone heart :) ) 

She ALONE, had to organise her Mums funeral; she ALONE had to PAY for her Mum's funeral (us lot did chip in what we could afford). Her own family NEVER gave her a penny towards any of it. Her own family saw her homeless and NEVER offered to put a roof over her head. Her own family shit on her from a great height. Not only did she have to pay for her Mum's funeral, she was also left with the remaining money to be paid from her Nan's funeral who had died just a year before. Everyone else continued on with their lives and NEVER once bothered to ask her if she was ok. Not only was she dealing with all of the stress and strain of multiple deaths, losses and bills that she couldn't afford, she was also very poorly herself and was dealing with her own life threatening illness. 

6 months after her Mum died she herself went into hospital for what should have been a routine operation - something went wrong and she came as close to death as anyone can come without crossing over to the other side. Did her family bother to go and visit her? NO. Did her family bother to send her a get well card? NO. Did her family even bother to text to see how she was? NO. You can bet your arse though if she had died they would have crawled out of the woodwork (AFTER everyone else would have paid for her funeral) to declare how much they loved and missed her. Thankfully it didn't come to that, but the very people that had caused her so much stress when she needed their help, couldn't even be bothered to make sure she was ok when she almost died. 

She came out of hospital a very poorly young lady, but she was determined she wasn't going to let her illness hold her back and she wasn't going to let having no money stop her from following her dreams. For 2 years (that's TWO) years she has worked 18 hour days, 7 days a week, while trying to fit in her studies as she wanted to become a nurse so badly. IF someone in her family had bothered to help her with money she could have taken a day off now and then; she could have spent some time with her brother and sister, but if work was offered she often had to let the kids down (sadly they didn't have their own money so she could take them out and spend time with them at their expense), and go to work - not something she wanted to do, and sadly this is often thrown back in her face in a nasty way because people have NEVER bothered to take the time to find out what she is having to deal with - everyone else is too selfish to even consider she may have a good reason to let people down, and that having to do so may break her heart very often. NOBODY else was going to pay off what was left of the funeral bills. Nobody else was going to help her find the money to live. Her and her fiance often just eat toast and butter for days on end, because they can afford nothing else, and STILL people treat her like she's the worst sister, person, friend or cousin in the world. It makes me so ANGRY I can't put into words, just how much - especially when grown men are giving her abuse. Grown men that should be helping her and trying to make sure she is ok, and yet there they are hiding behind their computers or their phones, giving her abuse about what a bad person she is. She's had to deal with all of this, and yet she was always determined she was going to become a nurse if it killed her (it almost has).

She will now go to uni, but she will still have to work night shifts 4 or 5 days a week just to find enough money to cover her bills and her tuition fees - she's struggled for 2 years and has another 3 to go but she WILL do it because it's what she has worked so hard for; a nurse is who she wants to be. I only hope one day those that have accused her of being a let down, or of not being a better person, NEVER have to go through half of what she's had to go through and deal with. Anyone that dares to tell me she's not a truly amazing person is not someone worthy of my time. She's dealt with all of this.. and today she got the grades she needs to go to uni. That's why I'm proud of her; that's how I know what true pride feels like. I'm so happy for her after all she's been through I could actually cry. Nobody deserves this more than she does. 

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

A bit of repetition

but not at the same time. You see I got asked again today if I could go back in time and change anything, although this time it was worded as "If you could go back and give your pre-teen self any advice, would you?" Not really the usual "would you change anything?" question, but both mean the same thing., and whenever I've been asked in the past I have always replied with a big fat NO; except this time. 

Normally I say No because I always believed it was the things that have happened to me that have made me the person I am today; they've shaped what I've done and who I am, but I now know that's not such a good thing because who I am is someone that's pretty miserable. Don't get me wrong; I'm not always miserable and sure do know how to have a laugh, but if I'm totally honest I've not been happy for years and the reason I've not been happy, is because of what I've gone through, the choices I've made, and the things out of my control that have happened. I used to say No because it meant if I went back and changed things, then some of the people in my life wouldn't now be in it, and it would be a pretty empty life without the kids, so how could I say I would want to change meeting their uncle (who is the biggest wanker I've ever encountered in my life and who I would gladly erase) when that would mean I would be erasing them from my life (and yes I am aware if I didn't know about them to begin with then I wouldn't know how it would feel to miss them). Then I realised that might not be so; they might still have come into my life, but via a different avenue - this then got me thinking about the age old "path of life" scenario and which path we choose is up to us, but where we end up will always be the same point (as will our start point).

I never really believed that before, but being at work on my own, and with it being so quiet, I've had time to mull things over, and the people that say about the path, may be onto something; they may actually have a valid point. So, what would I tell my pre-teen self if I could go back and speak to her (and if she would pay any attention to what she was being told)?

Firstly I'd tell her to quit the ciggies (yes I was smoking before I was a teenager, although I didn't really become a full on smoker until I was about 14). If I knew then just how much money I was going to waste, and what a hold on me they would have for the next 27 years of my life, I would do all I could to talk myself out of them. I'd also try to talk my Dad into giving up in the hope it might mean he wouldn't end up with lung cancer and die at such a young age, although I know full well that was just his day to die (that was his end point) but maybe he could have been a non-smoker when his time came, so he would have had more money to enjoy himself before it was his time to go. 

I digress; this is about me and what I would tell my younger self. A big one would be to NEVER lend someone money unless I know I will get it back - or offer to pay for something upfront expecting that person to pay me back. IF it comes to going on holiday with someone else, either make them pay first and pay them back, or take their money off them before going away. Ok, that might mean I don't get to see Take That in wales, or I miss out on visiting somewhere I've not been before, but if it's a toss up between that and worrying every single week about how I am going to pay the next bill that comes in, then so be it. So many times others have said "yeah I'd love to but don't have the money right now, can you shout me and I'll pay you back later" or they'll say "you pay for the holiday and travel, and I'll pay food, tolls and the odds and sods" only for them to never pay, or to get to the place we're going and have no money on them to pay for food, tolls and the odds and sods. There are exceptions to the rule (only one female) but as for the rest; don't go down that road. True friends will pay their half at the same time and will ensure they have enough money to pay for themselves while away. 

Also be careful when paying for other things (tickets etc). While it may seem a good idea to pay for the tickets and allow the other person to pay you back with dinner, in reality this will rarely happen. When it comes to dinner you will pay your half (sometimes more if a note needs to be broken - just the other week a bill came to £21; the other person only had a £20 note so I handed over £15 as I didn't have change for the extra, and I NEVER got my £4.50 change back from said friend, so I paid £15, they paid £6. Not really splitting the bill is it?) and will then not get back their half of the ticket price. 

NEVER pay someone a share of fuel for something unless they have done something for you, as you will inevitably end up paying way more. £15 to do a 12 mile round trip is a piss take (even more so if you have just paid for everything on a recent trip with that person). £20 fuel charge to someone else to drive, when your own car could do the same journey for a tenner, is a piss take; even more so when you have never been offered anything towards fuel if you are driving. Do NOT let people treat you like their bank. 

Now the biggie, and this one will serve you well. When faced with 2 males that are vying for your affection, do NOT choose the one that makes your heart soar. Choose the one that you really like, who makes you smile, who makes you feel good about yourself, and who treats you well. The whole "treat them mean, keep them keen" theory is bullshit, dreamed up by men that want to play the field. In fact I would tell myself to never treat Karl bad; to be aware of how much he thinks of me and how kind he is to me. I'd tell myself he will treat me well and will look after me; no matter what happens he will never judge or treat me with anything other than respect. I would tell me that he will love me, care for me and look out for me. Just because he may not be the fun guy, the bad boy, the rogue, doesn't mean he's not the right one. Disregard him when you're younger and you'll realise when you're older that he actually has all the qualities that matter. He'll even prove years later what a nice guy he is, by turning up at the hospital the day after your Dad has a heart attack, to make sure you're ok and to see if you need anything. 6 years after you push him aside and think the grass is greener (before realising too late it's not) and he will still be there for you when you need him. I'd tell myself to never push him away. 

Oddly he also works with my Numbers 1's Dad, so there is every chance I could have still had the kids in my life, but via him and a good life, instead of their wanker uncle and a shit life - see how that whole path thing works? I had the choice of a left or right path, both of which could have bought the kids into my life, one of which would have caused far less heartache. However, that's not to say things would have worked out; he possibly would have upped and left me anyway (in fact at some point he would have to or he now wouldn't have his 2 girls, and they would have always been planned for him) but I would still tell my pre-teen me to treat him better and stick with him. Who knows if I would have then wandered off down the hard life path, but at that point I was definitely on the good one. 

Another big one. Put your foot down when it comes to a base for the business. Do NOT let anyone tell you that the first place you're going to look at is a good idea; put your foot down and say no (and mean No). Also when he tells you he has offered someone a job to work alongside you, tell him to get stuffed - she is not right and never will be. Not only will it cost you a lot of money (an amount you will NEVER be able to pay back no matter how many hours you work).

Ooh; a really important one. Do NOT go on the pill - no matter how many doctors tell you that it will help with the hormone issues. Ignore them; the hormones will sort themselves, but all the pill will serve to do is put on weight, and as you are someone that only needs to look at a biscuit to put on a pound, then the pill will take you into obesity and beyond. Once you are in the obesity outer realms, it will be hard to pull yourself back. You must always watch what you eat and do not ever drink coca cola. It will be the worst of all addictions. Not only will the pill piss about with your weight (you'll put on 5 stone in 3 months) but it will make you the most evil of all evils, and even long after you have stopped taking it those little things that didn't wind you up before you went on it and messed around with what your body wanted to do naturally, you will still be suffering from the violent feelings. You won't always act on them, but the way they make you feel inside is not good. To feel so much anger and rage is a bad thing and will only serve to make you more miserable than you are. Obviously as you get older you will find you become less tolerant; when you get to that stage, don't bite your tongue to spare others feelings (they won't give a shit about sparing yours). Just say what you think and be done with it. 

This is what I would tell my young self. These are the things that I feel are the most important and the ones that have shaped me into the woman I am. So YES; if I could go back in time I would change things. I would tell myself things that would alter the course of my life, and the path I would take. That path could actually turn out to be worse than the one I have spent the past 22 years on (that's something I'll never know) and I'm not here to look back; life is all about what's in front of us. The thing now is to make sure when I reach a branch in the road again, I choose the right one.  I learn from my past experiences, to look at who I am, and who I could have been had I chosen more wisely, and to move on from them. 

The only person that can alter the course of our lives is ourselves; we have nobody to blame for how they turn out but ourselves, so from this day forward I plan on making the most of each and every opportunity. 






Friday, 15 August 2014

FUMING

right now. In fact I'm angrier than fuming and if the person that has made me so angry has any balls they'll either front me face to face, or they'll walk away from me and NEVER have anything to do with me again.

What am I talking about? Some sad fuck on my fb that found a status I posted offensive, and as a result has got me banned for 48 hours. Whoever has reported me needs to take a long hard look at themselves as they are someone I consider a friend (I can't believe fb won't tell me who has reported me). Even more so I can't believe fb have banned me, when they won't ban groups that call for all Staffies to be killed; when they were happy to leave a game that centred around people blowing up people in Gaza, or when they allow pedophile groups to operate, and yet they ban me because I have an opinion; not even an opinion as such. I was stating my feelings.

As with all things I have a copy of what I posted (I keep copies of EVERYTHING because you just never know when some 2 faced arsehole may want to stir up trouble) and I shall share it with you when I tell you why I posted it in the first place. 

By 9 this morning I had received 27 pm's to my inbox since I logged of fb last night at 11, to tell me as a female I should show my support to other females and post a pink heart on my fb status to show I care about breast cancer research; it was basically along the lines of saying if I didn't share it then I was being untrue to all women that have to fight this awful disease, and that I was the scum of the earth if I didn't put the heart. Now as much as I am in full support of any way of raising awareness of this killer disease (I lost a really good friend to breast cancer so it's one that is close to me) I get really pissed of at A) being told what I should or shouldn't do ( in life as well on fb) and B) that it's always breast cancer that gets the biggest following and every female seems to think I should be sharing for that and giving my money to breast cancer research, but it was the assumption I am scum and don't care about people if I didn't share it that really PISSED ME OFF (I only use caps when I'm really angry). In fact I find the way it's worded is very akin to Jehovah Witnesses that think it's ok to knock on my door and tell me I will be damned for all eternity if I don't choose to follow their religion, and I won't be told by anyone that I'm not a good person just because I won't do what they want me to do. 

This is what I put as my status.. this is what I was banned for.. 


Goodness... ladies please... my inbox is being flooded with requests for a pink heart to be put as my status for breast cancer research, and while I am all for promoting any kind of research into cancer, I will admit it pisses me off a bit that things are only ever shared for the 1 type.. 


Today is my best friends birthday; she died of Cervical Cancer.. why are we never asked to put a blue heart for that research? or a grey one for people suffering from brain tumours/cancer? or a yellow one for lung cancer research (that one took my Dad) or any of the other cancers that have taken my friends and family? 

I support research into each and every cancer (and make regular financial donations to several) along with other incurable diseases... just because I'm not putting a heart as my status (partly because I don't know how to) doesn't mean I'm not supporting this (and many other) needy causes..

If you are the person that took offence at this and reported me, how about you grow a pair (of boobs or balls depending on your gender) and speak to me about it?  If you are the coward that you appear to be, then when I am allowed back to my fb account I suggest you are not there.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Time to get

really tough with myself - I have to stick to the (I hate the word diet and healthy eating plan suggests lots of boring lettuce and tomatoes) fat busting, weight losing, shrinking Sarah plan - that's the one. I have to stick to the Shrinking Sarah Plan (finally a name for it). Not because someone's told me to, or because I'm worried about how other people view me (if they don't like it they don't have to look) but because I have bought some new clothes for the road trip and I got them not one, but 2 sizes smaller. A risky move I know considering I only have 7 weeks and 5 days until I go, but also a move I know I am capable of (without starving myself) if I just stick to the plan. I don't know why I constantly get myself back into my bad habits (well I do but they're not reasons I'm not prepared to share with anyone). Another thing I know I will have to do if I am to fit into the clothes (I will fit into them) is to exercise and that is something that I really need to embrace. I have many, many different exercise aids (equipment, dvd's and my wii) so there is no excuse for me not to. The only person stopping me is me, but let's face it; read back through my blogs and you'll see how many times before I've been positive I can (and will) do it and yet here I am, yet again telling myself (and anyone reading) that I'm going to do it this time. Mind you, it does feel different this time, and look at how many times I said I was giving up smoking but never did, until that September day in 2011 when I finally made the decision and stuck to it (the same with not biting my nails a few months before the cigarettes). I've proved if I really put my mind to something then I can easily achieve it. This will not beat me. 

Talking of being beaten, I am adding this (it won't beat me) philosophy to all aspects of my life. I took a really long hard look at myself, how I behave, how I let people treat me, how I react to things and how certain things and people make me feel, and I made a decision with regards to that (and them) too. I've spent too long letting other peoples negativity bring me down; too long letting people dictate what I should be doing with my life. I've had *friends* (yes I am now using the term loosely) tell me what to wear. I'm a long skirt, baggy t-shirt kind of girl, or leggings and long jumpers in the winter. That's just me; I've always been that way, always felt comfy that way, and will always be that person. I like boots on my feet, trainers or shoes with thick soles. If I'm going out then yes I like a nice pair of shoes, but I don't see the point in doing damage to my feet with shoes that are not comfy to walk in, just because it's expected or is fashionable, or a designer label. One friend told me I should wear jeans; honestly jeans on my body are so not right. I'm too short and too round; they either end up hanging down so far I tread on them, or the waist band is constantly slipping where to get them to fit round my fat arse and thighs, they are too big around my middle. Jeans just don't work, but she argued and argued with me so much I wasted money on some to shut her up, only to be told when I saw her next "ooh; you're not really built for jeans are you?". Another kept on about my hair (it's fine, there's not a lot of it and it doesn't matter who cuts it, how it's cut or what products I use, it will always do exactly what it wants - I've spent an hour before getting it to look just right, to find 5 minutes later it's gone back to how it wants). The friend said "you've not changed your hairstyle since you were a kid".  Umm that's because I can't.  Short it looks messy and constantly looks as though my fringe is greasy, even if I've only just washed it; long it goes wispy on the ends no matter how many times I have it trimmed, and once it gets shoulder length there's no point attempting to grow it any longer. Again the fringe does it's own thing and the rest just looks a mess. I've often toyed with the idea of just having it all shaved off, but with my fat face it would look even worse (not that it really could look worse). That's who I am; I accept me for that, so why can't they? And that is the 6 million dollar question isn't it? I can only assume they are so insecure in themselves that they then project those insecurities on to others that are sensitive to such things (me in this instance) and by dictating to someone else they make themselves feel better about themselves and their own lives. I will no longer stand for this and take it from them.

Other's that have pissed me off just this week will find themselves receiving the non-friendly Sarah in the future when we meet up. I have a *friend* that currently owes me some money (actually I have several that do) but this one knows just how dire my situation is (to the friend that might be reading this that has recently been decorating you are NOT on this list and NEVER will be; you and I have an agreement and I don't want you to ever think I am talking about you here; I most definitely am NOT) and yet this one is forever sharing things on FB (sometimes I really hate FB) of places they have been, and things they've been doing - things that all cost money, and yet they claim to have none and have made absolutely NO effort to attempt to pay me back. This is the same friend that I asked a favour from just weeks after I had done them a massive favour, at an even more massive expense to myself, who then charged me money for doing me the favour. I really must have had "feckin idiot" tattooed on my forehead; well not any more. I have learned my lesson and I refuse to let people treat me that way from now on. They can all kiss my arse.

Several of them are friends on my FB (the fallout if I was to delete them would ripple out to others that have nothing to do with any of the issues I have, and who I respect enough not to want them to get caught up in it all) so to rectify not being able to delete, I have stopped myself from receiving any of their updates, and I no longer share mine with them. That way they don't get to see what I'm up to and how happy I am (and this week I really am finally happy and in a really great place) and I don't get to see all their nastiness and bitchiness, and I don't have to watch them worm their way into other peoples lives (people that are weak and vulnerable) that they can then try and dictate too. Warning the people would be pointless and just end up making me look like the bad guy until they finally saw what I wold be telling them. Several of these people have tried sending me messages this week trying to stir up shit about others and they have all been told the same "I really don't care and don't want to get involved". And I mean that. From now on it's all about me and the people I love and respect; I don't give a shit what anyone else is getting up to, or what lies (bullshit) they are trying to spread. 

I am feeling bloody marvellous. 




Monday, 11 August 2014

Say Hi

to Kevin :)

Looking very yellow

A combination of one of the things on my besties bucket list (to get a tattoo), the joke we always used to have about little green aliens with big willies coming to take us away (I know he looks yellow in this pic but I shall explain that) and many hours spent trying to come up with the right drawing that would sum up what it all meant to us both; plus the skill of a young lady (I was her first ever proper paying customer) at eclipse tattoo who was armed with needles and ink :)

Now I will be honest; there is a small mistake on him. The black dot in the centre of his eye, is actually meant to be white and the bit surrounding should have been black. Not something that can be rectified as such, but I will go back and get the outer eye section in black, so it will be a reverse of how it should have been. I just don't like 2 white bits next to each other and spent ages trying to work out what colours I wanted (and where I wanted them) so it's imperative I get it as right as possible, and it's colour that is the other issue I have. I was offered a lime green, or a darker green; being a cheerful kind of person (when nasty people aren't stirring up shit) I chose the lime green, but as you can see in the pic above it's turned out yellow. Now I don't know if that is because she didn't shake the bottle enough so it didn't mix properly, or because my skin didn't take it properly? However when the sun went down he did take on a limey tinge.

Looking slightly lime green 

Now because he had that limey tinge I was hopeful that would mean the yellow was lifting and he was in fact going to be green, but this morning, he's back to yellow again, so it looks like I'm going to have to get him done in the darker colour - I could leave him yellow, but the whole point is that he had to be the little GREEN alien; at no point should he be the little yellow one.

Next day and still too yellow

So; what's the reason behind him, how did I come up with the name Kevin, and why is it so important he is green? 

It all goes back to me and my bestie; our big thing was that we were always waiting to be abducted by the little green aliens with the big willies.  When she was taken ill she wrote a bucket list (sadly she didn't get to complete much of it) and one of the things on that list was to get a tattoo. Other friends decided to work their way through the list in her memory (they may have even had a tattoo) but there were 3 things on there I knew I was able to do in her memory. 1 was to go camping (I take her younger kids once a year; something I would have done anyway but it's still a tick off the list for me as far as I'm concerned). 1 was to go to the theatre (again something I would do but each visit since had felt like I am doing it for her) and of course the other was having a tattoo. As I already have several (Kevin is number 6 for me) it was a no brainer to have one in memory of her, but also as a tick from her list. I'm sure there are many things I could have had (hearts, swallows and all the basic stuff people often have in memory of someone - I have a rose in memory of my Dad) but when it came to my bestie there really was only one thing I could choose - a little green alien with a big willy. This is why it's so important to me that he is in fact green and not yellow, although I am sure she would laugh at the fact that while we were waiting for the green ones, we could have missed on being taken by the yellow ones. Hmm, maybe I will keep him as he is after all. 

Now, because of work there is no way I could have a big willy on show - unless I was to have him somewhere he wouldn't be seen, which there is then no point in having him to begin with - so I spent ages trying to work out what I was going to do about it. A chat with my friends son (thank you Kyal) and he suggested that I put him in a pair of shorts; that way I know he has a big willy lurking so am covering the brief (in more ways than one) but I also don't have a big willy on display. I then decided that if he was going to be wearing shorts, he just as well have a bandana and flip flops too, hence why he has turned out the way he has. The colours in the shorts also mean something; my besties favourite colour was pink, and mine is blue, which is why he's in pink shorts which have blue flowers on. He really is personal and means something to me on so many different levels.

His name? It could only ever be Kevin :) I would not have thought about naming him to be honest, but my work colleague asked me last week (she was there when I was designing him and helped me with her opinion) whether I was going to name him, and that got me thinking about whether to or not. Then I had a flashback to a night many years ago, that was in fact the night I laughed more than I have currently have at any other point in my life. In fact I laughed so hard, and for so long, I had to check my own pulse several times to make sure I was still alive. This laughter was born from a conversation my bestie and I were having about a guy called Kevin, that we had spoken to, and knew much of, but had in fact never met. It would mean nothing to anyone else, and would be so hard to even attempt to explain what we found so funny, but funny we found it, and because of that night he could only ever be called Kevin. It was nice when the lady that owned the tattoo studio asked if he had a name (again not something I would have thought of) and I was able to answer straight away that he did. 

Where is he on my body? On the inside of my left forearm; his feet start just above where the creases of my wrist end. No idea why I chose there, but it seemed like as good a place as any. I was aware that the area I had chosen would probably be quite painful - and even the lady on the reception at the studio asked if I wanted him on top rather than under - but I'd made my mind up, and had told myself that my friend went through 13 months of horrendous and constant pain, so for me an hour or 2 was nothing in comparison. As it turned out it didn't hurt in the slightest (he's actually hurting more today where he's stinging a bit as the wound starts to heal). 

It's my besties birthday on Friday so I think my timing was just right. I miss her every day but now every time I'm feeling a bit sad about her not being here any more I'll be able to look at Kevin and have a little chuckle to myself. Those memories help keep her alive - just in a different way. 



Saturday, 9 August 2014

Wolves and Sheep

Goodness me; I have this week learned many things - running a fuel tank too low can blow fuel injectors, that in turn can blow injector coils, and the combination of these things ends up costing lots of money - I have learned that a friend really does think I'm stupid and as such will NEVER find me doing them a favour again - and I have discovered that one of the wolves that hangs around the flock is in fact not just anti-social to it's partners friends (especially if they are of the opposite sex), but that they are one of the nastiest wolves out there.  I was genuinely quite shocked at the hints and traits they gave away - I can only assume I caught them with their guard down - but my goodness they've given me some ammo if they ever decide to cause me any kind of problems; the things they gave away to me could see them dumped by their partner, and ostracised from the family they have been so lovingly welcomed in to. I do find it quite scary how these people are able to get away with what they do for so long, and how very clever they are. I never for one minute would believe this new one would have come out with the things they did, and with such venom towards someone I thought they really liked - I know they've never liked me so it's not an issue - but to let someone believe they are genuine and care about them when they are being so sneaky and vile behind their back, is quite shocking (and with some of the people I know in life I am not easily shocked these days). 

Anyway; enough of the nasties and doomers - they waste too much of my time as it is. 

No idea what's going on with me weight wise; I was doing so well again, then a few people said nice things and before I knew it I was not bothering to stick to it and have put some back on, and one half of my brain is screaming at me that I have 8.5 weeks to go and really need to shift a load of weight (I'm way behind on where I wanted to be at this stage) while the other part of me is laughing and telling me to say *feck it*. At the moment the other part is winning, and as much as I don't want it to, I also can't be arsed to stop it. Not good. Not good at all. I am going to be the fat one that can't get in the plane because I'm too heavy for it to take off.  Had I stuck to my plan at the beginning of the year I would by now be 6 stone lighter than I am; what is wrong with me that I can't make myself stick to something that is not only so easy, but so much better for me? I am truly a fruitcake of some kind. 

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Sitting in

your front yard, drinking lemonade.. oops.. no.. those are song lyrics :) which you can check out HERE 

Instead, I find myself sitting in my back garden, under the shelter of a rather large gazebo. On the table before me (that is really the desk I use indoors, that I had to clear off to bring outdoors) is a large glass of mixed fruit cider - made by the St Helier cider company, who I had never heard of before I bought their drink, and can find no reference to on the internet - my macbook (pro of course) and my iPhone - check me out with all my apple gadgets; no wonder I have no money.  While sitting here drinking the wonderful liquid that is the fruit cider (possibly the BEST drink that has ever been invented and one which I wish I had bought more of) and playing candy crush (I know I really do need to get a life) I began to reflect on the week that has just passed. 

It really didn't start well. I had to take the car in for its MOT; I will admit I was convinced it would pass (normally I am convinced a car will fail so this new positive me was odd to experience) but I was sadly proved wrong - BIG TIME. It failed; dismally, and as yet it is still at the garage waiting to be fixed and be legal again (I dropped it off at 8 on Monday morning - it's now 5 on Saturday evening so it's been away from me for a really long time). The garage aren't even entirely sure they are going to be able to fix it; they *think* they know what the problem is, but until they actually get down to replacing the part they believe is causing the problem, they won't know if they have indeed fixed it. This means I could end up paying out over £600 to have to scrap the car at the end of the day; not a scenario I am relishing. Yes I did look into purchasing a new one the other weekend when I was out with my brother, but when I sat and looked at my finances with a level head, and not an *ooh I could have a brand new car head* I saw that there is absolutely no way I can afford it (to just sort out the repair bill this week I have had to beg, borrow and raid piggy banks - I'm still not sure I have enough, so will also have to dive deeper into my overdraft). For those few days though it was lovely to think that I could possibly have a new one :) 

It then went from bad to worse when I found out that someone I consider a friend, has in fact been spreading awful lies and shit about me to people that should never believe them, but who in fact have believed what they've been told.  Now I have no problem with anything anyone wants to say about me; all the time they're talking about me they're giving someone else a rest, but this time they've not just involved me, and to involve someone else in their twisted little world is so out of order I can't even begin to explain how angry it has made me feel. I just don't get why they would do such a thing?  What makes it worse is that I can't even tell the other person (the one they've included in their sick and twisted little game) because A) It would just be denied and they are exceptionally good at lying B) I would end up looking like the bad guy no matter what I did, and C) the other person truly believes the one's telling the lies are their friend, and they would either not believe me (and I look bad) or they would see their friends for who they are, walk away from them and I then get shit from the ones that have caused the problem and again (I look like the bad guy) so I am in a no win situation no matter what I do. That part of it really pisses me off.  I did consider having a chat with another mutual friend to ask them if they could intervene on my part, but what's the point? Besides it's not fair of me to drag other people in to it (plus these others aren't friends with a don't like the liars to begin with so that could cause all kinds of shit too). Honestly; it's worse than when I was at school. I really thought when I walked out those school gates for the last time, all this silliness and pathetic crap was over and done with. 

Anyway; just when I was about to complain (I know.. me?? complain? unheard of) I had a lovely message from a proper friend that re-installed my faith in human nature, and then last night I hooked up with the Nutty one and had a proper catch up, ramble about everyone that's pissed me off, and down right good laugh.

Our plan was to picnic on the beach at Stokes Bay, but as with most of our plans things didn't work out how we envisioned. We had literally been there 5 minutes (possibly even less) when I said how lovely the Isle of Wight was looking, and that as my chauffeur she should have taken me there instead. Next time we are parking the car and hopping onto the hovercraft - nothing like living on the edge :) We only had 2 hours over there before we had to come back, but we made the most of those 2 hours that's for sure. I think my highlight was the little old man on his motor scooter that we had a selfie taken with :) The nutty one has the photo so I'll see if I can get a copy off her before I post this :) 

Here he is :) 

Have to say out of all the off the cuff things we have done, last night was the one where I saw the Nutty one smile the most (except for when she was kissing the strange men at the first UKJ gig we went to) :) She'd never been to the Island before and had never been on a hovercraft either, so she got to experience 2 new things last night, and to see someone smile like she did, put a huge smile on my face. See; there may be shit people out there waiting to stir up trouble and be mean and nasty, but there are also some amazing people out there. She is definitely one of the amazing ones that's for sure. :) She makes me glad I joined the fat club that night - at which we are both still excelling.. hahahaha..  Actually I lost again last week but only 1.5lb - but a loss is a loss :)