Monday, 25 April 2016

Been there, and back again

I went on my little holibobs, had a good time (ish) and returned again this time last week. Since then it's been all systems go; so much so, I need another week off :)  This time one where I get some sleep though.

My week off started on the Sunday with a great trip to the Isle of Wight with the family. We visited the Donkey Sanctuary (I adopted Doris for my BIL at Xmas). What a great little place. It's not huge but it's free - there is a donation bucket and if you don't donate then you should feel ashamed of yourself. The donkeys all have their names on their halters so you can be in no doubt who is who. They have little name boards for each one describing their personalities, etc and pretty much everyone we encountered that worked there were lovely (of course there is always one, but you get 'the one' in all businesses). Oddly enough the car park attendant was the best person with the most interesting information we met. From there we went to the Alpaca Farm - don't bother wasting your money. What a huge disappointment that was, and we had to pay to get into that one. Dinner was in a cafe at Alum Bay (because it was so windy nobody would ride the cable cars with me). Aside from those 3 places we didn't visit anywhere else - except for a coffee stop in Shanklin where my brother had an ice-cream on the beach (an outside covered seat because it was pissing it down with rain and blowing a hoooly so we couldn't sit on the beach itself) but we did cover the whole of the island and as a family that are happy to sit in a car watching the world go by, it was a really good day :) 


Monday saw our plans to visit Lulworth Cove (I know, me at the Cove, who would have thought it?) and Weymouth change, when the weather was just vile. Wind, rain, more wind, more rain, so instead we headed off to a craft shop, some normal shopping in between, then we found ourselves in Southsea at the DDay Museum. First time there and although it's not somewhere I would choose to go again, but it was a nice way to spend an hour or 2 - the DDay Museum at Omaha Beach in Normandy took me 4 hours to go round, so I was a bit disappointed in ours, but it was nice enough and as informative as it needed to be. The tapestry is well worth taking a look at. Before coming back home I let her have an hour in the amusements (I am such a good daughter) :) 

The original plan for leaving on the Wednesday was for us to get on the road at 5am. This then changed to 9.30 and by 10.10 Jase finally turned up. He'd been laid up with man flu for a couple of days previous but when he arrived at mine he was full of the joys and I found myself really looking forward to getting away for a few days. It was just after 11 before we finally began though as he had to stop at Sainsbury on the way. Traffic going down was a lot quieter than I thought and even with 2 pee stops we were still at the cottage in Sennen Cove by 3.30pm - the exact time the satnav said we'd arrive.

The cottage is beautiful - 300 years old, walls as thick as can be, in gardens that are equally as lovely. I've never seen such tall, thick stemmed bluebells like the ones in the garden.  Now, when it came to rooms I had the 2 single bed one with a snug above, that was at one end of the house, and my bathroom was at the other end - I had to walk through the lounge, kitchen and down the hall passageway to get to it. The only other room in the house was the one Jase was in that was off the lounge, huge, open, light and airy with it's own bathroom, so he literally fell out of bed and into the bathroom. When he wanted to pee in the evening he rolled off the sofa he was lolling on, took 2 steps left and was at the door to his room. My room had the lovely olde worlde cottage feel to it with tiny windows (thankfully there was one either side of the room or it would be have extremely dark). I had a fireplace in my room but it wasn't a working one. 


The outbuilding (which we think is a private art studio, for the owner as we know, is an artist) had a flat roof with a glass panelled edging on one side offering the most glorious views over the gardens, leading out to the Atlantic Ocean. 


The swimming pool (unusable the time of year we went) looked like a great size and I'd love to be able to afford to go there when it's in use; I should imagine I would be in it quite a bit. :) 

After settling in that evening we went for a little drive. I saw Lands End car park - very nice it was too - before we drove round to the Minack Theatre - that was closed. I did get out the car and was walking down the hill to see if I could get a couple of photo's from above when I was yelled at to get back in the car ...  eek. I did as I was told and we left quickly and quietly :) The rest of the evening was spent in the cottage chilling out with a book. 

Climbing into bed that night I could hear the TV from the other room where I'd left Jase watching some crap reality tv stuff, so I snuggled down, switched off the lights and settled down. An hour later I was still awake (most unlike me, especially when I'd had so much fresh sea air and had been awake for 21 hours before I went to bed). Nearly 2 hours later I was still laying there when I heard noises from the snug above me, before I felt something grab at my wrist. Part of me believed I had nodded off and was dreaming, but the other part of me knew I was awake. When it happened a 2nd time I grabbed my quilt and headed to the lounge as quick as I could. I laid myself out on the sofa, convinced sleep would hit me as soon as I popped a cushion under my head. The sun rose just before 6am, I was still awake, then resigned myself to the fact I was going to have to wait until the next night before sleep would join me. 

Jase got up about 9.30 (I'll be honest listening to him in his room snoring his head off pissed me off a tad by the time 4am arrived, but it wasn't his fault I couldn't sleep). After showering and sorting himself out we left the cottage just after lunch heading for the Tate Gallery in St Ives. We went via Sainsbury in Penzance, and St Michaels Mount (we didn't stop there for me to take photos). When Jase went to Sainsbury I stayed in the car. It was a really hot day and after 10 minutes I realised the car doors had locked when he left and I didn't have a window open. 20 minutes later I was cooking and if I'd been a dog someone would have broken a window to rescue me. By the time Jase arrived back I was just about to pass out, and couldn't get the door open quick enough for some fresh air. He laughed at me and asked 'why' I hadn't opened the door. Ummm.. he'd locked them and I didn't want the alarm to go off so I looked like a tit. Lunch was a coffee and slice of cake in Porthleven, before we finally made our way to St Ives. What a tiny place (by that I mean the roads). We never stopped though as Jase realised he wouldn't be able to climb any of the hills due to him having had his cold, he was suffering a bit with his breathing, so we drove through, by and back to the cottage, via Sainsbury again where we picked up the bits needed for dinner that night (Jase cooked a chinese dish which was very nice). By the time 11pm arrived I was dead on my feet so took myself off to bed, where my head hit the pillow and I found myself in dream land. Until midnight, when I woke up, get freaked out again in the room and headed back to the lounge. By 12.45am I'd had enough. It was officially my birthday, I'd had one hours sleep since 5am on the Wednesday, I could hear Jase snoring again and it all got too much. I cried, I actually cried. Proper big heaving sobs followed. I know it was only frustration and anger that I couldn't sleep, but the crying just made me angrier with myself. In the end I googled train times, deciding I just wanted to be at home with my little old Mum, Dog and Cat - now any of you that know me will know I have NEVER been homesick and only ever want my Mum if I'm really ill. I look forward to my holidays as a break from Mum (in a nice way because I love her dearly but living with her we do need time away from each other now and then for our own sanity) so to want to come home, I must have been feeling low. At 5am I had to go for a walk outside because had I not, I would have walked into Jason's room and held a pillow over him. There is only so much snoring you can listen to when you are desperate for sleep. He arose from his pit at 9.30. Because I wanted a fry up, I cooked. I also washed up, dried, put the pans away, cleaned the kitchen down, before heading off for my shower (I know, it was my birthday and I did it all - go figure). I did shit myself while cooking when I turned round to find a man staring at me through the window. He was from rentokil and had been told the place was empty - this lead us to figure out that could have been why we had to make the beds and had no heating; nobody knew we were there. I got Jase to ring the property manager and he left her a message (we found out that evening we had been given the wrong number). A chance meeting with the gardener gave us the number of a man, who in turn gave us another number and 12 hours later someone phoned us and told us how to get the heating working - this pleased Jase immensely and he hugged the radiator for half an hour. Sadly it did nothing for me, as someone that keeps a window open in my bedroom in the middle of winter, heating set to as high as possible just about finished me off. 

We headed out at 12.30 towards a Tin Mine - I thought it was one we could go round, but it was in fact just ruins so I was a bit disappointed, but Jase wanted to visit the place and enjoyed it so at least he was happy. We did stop at a working one for a coffee on the way to a lighthouse he wanted to visit, but he didn't want to go round the working one, so we never stayed longer than to eat/drink. When we got to the lighthouse I took the ice-cream he bought me and walked off to have some me time, because I'll be honest I really wasn't enjoying myself. I wanted to walk to Lands End or visit the Minnack while it was open. We left the lighthouse and went back to the cottage where we discussed getting the Indian Meal I had said I wanted for my dinner. I planned on sitting on the roof terrace, watching the sun setting while I chowed down, but after researching for half an hour, Jase decided we would do a sit in meal. We ended up at the first table by the door so constantly had people walking by, and the drawer they kept the cutlery in was just behind my head so I kept getting workers bashing me as they opened it. I'd decided I needed alcohol (and lot's of it) only to find I was in the only Indian restaurant that doesn't sell alcohol. My birthday and it all seemed to be conspiring against me. By the time we got back to the cottage I'd resigned myself to the fact it's a birthday that needs to be filed under 'shitty days' and left at that only for Jase to put on some shit film that I had to sit through. When I said I wasn't enjoying it he told me there was nothing else on, so I just kept quiet waiting for the day to end. It was at that point I realised just how alike Roger he is. He won't go anywhere without a satnav, had told me I should do more with myself, how to do my hair, made me watch what he wanted, cooked me with the heating and visited the places he wanted. The only difference is he doesn't have the nasty, two-faced lying streak that Roger does and he has never spread around malicious lies about me - in everything other way though they could be the same person. I'd made my mind up to sleep in the lounge that night so had to wait for Jase to go to bed at 1am before I could bed down. I did tell him this but I think he thought I was joking. I never joke when it comes to Roger.

Yet again sleep didn't happen and I found myself watching more crap TV.. until 5am. The channel I was on ended then and before I knew what was happening I was asleep, properly asleep. I slept solidly for 2 and a half hours. Now, in the grand scheme of things thats not sleep at all, but in comparison to what I'd had previously it was a miracle and because it was solid, sound sleep, I did feel a little bit better for it.

Several people asked why he never offered me his room to see if that would help with my 'not sleeping'. When I mentioned it he replied "I never even thought of that". We still had 3 days to go - the offer never materialised. 

Jase got up at 10 by which time I had been sitting on the roof terrace for 2 hours (I'd have been out there longer but I had to shower and make/drink coffee). He did make me laugh later when he told me he would have liked us to get out and about with 5am starts but because I like my sleep he'd not bothered to set an alarm. I'd not slept - which he knew - and would have been more than happy to go out at such a time. I was up at that hour the day we headed off so no idea where he got that crazy notion from.  He cooked breakfast about 11, and after he'd washed (I dried, put away, cleaned round etc) we sat in the lounge chatting.. and chatting.. and by 2.30pm I was bored shitless so grabbed my camera and headed off to the garden for some fresh air (an old damp cottage that smells of the wood burner that's had heating on high for 20 hours does not make for good air or help tired eyes). Jase did come out about an hour after and showed me how to do a couple of things with my camera. He also brought out the telescope and set it up on the roof terrace where he played for an hour getting it ready to photograph the moon that night - he never let me play with it at all). He did have a little snooze for an hour when we came back in. 

3 photo's taken on different days, at different times. I see a pattern emerging
At 7 he said we needed to get out so we drove to Lands End (just a mile away but we had to go by car) and while there we sat and watched the sunset, which was lovely.  We stopped for dinner in the hotel there, before heading back to the cottage, waiting for it to get dark enough for some night sky shots.


We got back at 10pm and Jase said the best time to go out would be 1, so at 11 I curled up in the chair and actually nodded off, only to be woken 45 mins later as Jase had decided it was a good time to get the moon. I never got to play with the telescope again as he took the shots he wanted and then said we needed to head up to the roof and do the sky shots. I took all the different lenses and filters for the telescope too but for some reason he only used the one he'd brought with him that his friend had leant him. At least I learned how to set the camera attachment up to it though so will be able to play myself at home. 

Normally he's very good at showing me how things work, but he was a right grump. He took my camera playing with a setting to focus and when I asked what he'd done he said "focused'. When I asked if he could show me how he replied 'not really, it's just something I know how to do and you'll have to practice next time on your own'. He also shouted me when he told me to do something and I didn't know how to do it. I know he was cold up there, but it did piss me off massively and was uncalled for. I was quite chuffed with one of my shots though - the fact I can see Cassiopeia is a bonus as I see that at home every night :) I also managed to catch Venus but she blurred a bit so wasn't a good shot. 


I went to bed (in the bedroom) when we got back indoors at 3am. I slept, genuinely slept, until 7am. 4 whole hours that felt like I'd slept for a month. I think part of it was because earlier in the day I'd aired the room. It was windy outside so I'd opened both windows and let that wind blow through. I'm sure that made a difference as I sleep at home with a window open. 

Again it was midday before we left the cottage and we found ourselves at the Seal Sanctuary. There was a tractor with a seating trailer that took people from the entrance, but I'd done so little walking I chose to walk to the park - not realising just how steep the hill was to get there :) Jase sulked a bit as he didn't want to walk so I shouted at him not to be a martyr and to get on the tractor but he refused. When we got to the top he really snapped at me, so I let him walk on ahead and bit my tongue to stop me from kicking off and saying something. I spent most of the day wandering round alone and loved every second of it. I spent about an hour watching the 2 sea lions chasing each other back and forth, but I fell in love with a big old grey seal who had the cutest looking face to him. 

When we left there we headed back to the cottage for a couple of hours before driving down to the cove for the sunset (which was nicer than the one the previous night, except the sand was too wet to sit on and the rocks too bloody uncomfortable. Once I'd got into a good enough position I couldn't move and by the time it was over and we had to head back I'd got stuck in the one position and was as stiff as a board :) )


When we got back I packed up ready for leaving on Monday morning, which took a really long time to arrive as yet again, I didn't sleep. 

We left the cottage behind at 10am stopping off at some Japanese Gardens on the way back. They were nice but I felt not worthy of being charged to visit them. Jason liked them though so that's all that matters. 

Again the journey back was like the one going and it took us just over 4 hours to find me sitting on my sofa with my first decent cup of tea since I left - for some reason down there no matter how hard I tried my tea was weak as dishwater (I even used 3 teabags once and still nothing).

I went to bed at 11 and I slept solid for 8 hours straight. It was almost heavenly :) 

Then it was all over and I had to go back to work. 

I forgot to mention our trip to Mousehole... yep.. that's about it. Nothing to see; nothing to do; nothing to talk about it.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Goodness; what a week


It started with a bang on the head, and ended with only some of the grey hairs being covered :) 

Our new (2nd hand) garage door was fitted on Monday (which was a bank holiday so I was here) and to do so they had to attach 2 wooden battens either side with a chunk cut off the bottom where it was too long, but not wide enough. Being ever the intelligent creature that I am (no, really, sometimes I have my moments) I remembered there was a tin of wood preservative left in the shed, so decided to get straight out and give them a coat (or 2) just in case it rained. Prevention is after all better than cure. Once that was done I moved onto the gate - it's been a while since that was last treated - and before I knew what was happening there was brown wood paint on anything that didn't move :) There's more protection in our garden than there is in a condom factory!! Somehow, I also managed to get spots of paint all over the bonnet of my car; no idea how as I had moved it at least 30ft away from where I was painting :) 

Sadly there wasn't any protection later in the day when Mum handed me a huge piece of metal that had been taken off the old garage door, where she asked me to pop it behind the shed. "Watch your legs" she said as she passed it to me as it had a chain with a metal clamp swinging on the bottom. If only she'd warned me about the same attachment that was at the top, I would have avoided a 4 inch round, 2 inch thick metal clasp swinging round, smacking me on my temple. To say I saw stars would  be an understatement. Even now, 7 days later, it still hurts. For hours after I couldn't see straight, my head pounded, the blood pulsing in my veins with every pump of my heart, but thankfully by the next morning it had eased up. 

On Wednesday I had a message from the friend of a friend telling me what a bad friend I am being because I've not been there for my friend. Very difficult to be there when someone doesn't want you there to begin with - I have tried but keep getting the brush off, but then I guess she can't slag me off and tell her new friends what a shit friend I am if we're known to be spending time together. Oddly this is exactly the same behaviour my friend showed towards the woman she was best friends with when I first met her. She lead me to believe her previous friend was an awful person, but it would appear that maybe the reason is because of how my friend was treating her. A lot of what was said between them when their friendship ended now make perfect sense to me. At the time I believed my friend (as this person that messaged me does now) but now she's shown her true colours. At the end of the day cutting people off from my life is not an issue any more, and I have time, tolerance or patience for those who attention seek or who treat people in a bad way. She's been very clever at playing the 'great friend' yet in reality looking back on things, she's really not been unless she's getting something out of it. Once my money ran out, so did she.As for the lies she's told me - she really does need to learn about being tagged on Facebook. Just because she doesn't see my updates and bits, doesn't mean I don't see hers, or her new friends playing up to her narcissism.  Found this on the internet and it sums things up perfectly. Where do I meet these people and what am I thinking when I let them in? I left the school playground a really long time ago and have no intention of going back. 


Thursday I took the day off. I had to go into town to collect my glasses (which have made a huge difference to my life already). Mum has needed new ones for years but keeps putting off getting them as she's been waiting for the hospital to get to her with a date for the op she needs (she'll be blind if they don't sort her out sooner; 9 weeks now since they told her she was a 'top priority and emergency) but the longer she goes without glasses the more her reading eyesight is failing, so I wanted to make sure she got some. Supersavers have them for £25 including single lenses which is all she needs, so I told her I would pay for them for her, so planned on getting her sorted (which I did, after a mini-argument where she kept telling me not to spend any more money). I also needed to go to the pet shop to change the light I'd bought on Saturday that was the wrong size. Added to this I needed to make a few phone calls and knew I was likely to be kept on hold for a while so didn't want to make them at work in case a customer came in and I had to hang up. Sky were one of the companies I needed to phone as our satellite had been playing up since the storms we had on Sunday. Spoke to a lovely man who booked us an engineer for Saturday morning. Sadly whatever he did never worked and I ended up being kept on hold for 2.5 hours (that's Two and a Half hours) on Saturday trying to get through to them about it being fixed again - finally gave up, phoned first thing this morning, got an engineer sorted for tomorrow and so far (it's currently 13.15) the thing hasn't played up at all.. hahaha. Sods law I believe that's called. Not had a message yet though to let me know what time between 9 - 5 the engineer will arrive. Lord help them if they don't turn up.!!!

Back to Thursday. Getting ready to leave Mum called me into the room with her fish tank in, where she told me she could hear running water. Told her it was just the filter, but she decided to take a look underneath and it's a good job she did. Turns out the tank had sprung a leak - only a small one as I'd have noticed the water levels dropping, but enough that it had been happening for a really long time, for the unit it was standing had been slowly rotting and was literally just days away from collapsing - I dread to think what damage that could have done. I doubt the fish would have lasted either. Thankfully she noticed before we'd got to the pet store or I'd have been really pissed off. And that's how the small amount of money I had managed to get together for my holibobs with Jase was spent. It's a good thing me and him are simple people that are happy to go to free places - woods, beaches, rivers etc. It's also a good thing that place we are staying has such extensive grounds and overlooks a bay, cove and rocky shoreline - apparently there is a stream in the grounds as well so we could spend a whole day exploring/photographing where we're actually staying. All of this is a good thing as neither of us can afford to go out and about too far - although I do have a birthday coming up and you never know who may be popping a few quid in a card for me :)

Friday evening saw me stood on a cold shoreline near the New Forest, looking across the water to where a cargo ship was being loaded up at Southampton Docks. I was there because Jase came to collect me telling me to make sure I took my camera with me. He was so patient as he taught me how to photograph lights and bits at night. The docks are lit up like Xmas Trees so it was the perfect place for him to teach me what some of the other buttons on my camera do in preparation for when we go away, so that he can just get on with taking photo's and not have to keep worrying about me. I also got to use my tripod for the first time. Now, my photo's weren't anywhere near as good as his, but I can home with a better knowledge and understanding, and know for next time what I need to do (not to do) so hopefully should get an odd good one here and there :)

It needed more like behind but when I cut the image in half, I have 2 fairly decent photo's :)








Tuesday, 29 March 2016

I try too hard

apparently; that's why people don't like me.. hahahahah. 

First of all who are these people that don't like me? Do they have any bearing or relevance on my life? If they're friends (which let's face it they can't be if they don't like me) then why have they not told me this themselves? I'll be honest, I'd be more inclined to believe it if someone said I didn't try enough for I reached that point where I no longer bother to make the effort for those that won't make it for me. I wonder if these are the same people that think I try too hard? The ones who have treated other friends in teh same way they've treated me, who have given up and walked away from them, only for them to tell then make out the one that has walked away is a nasty person who was mean. Well boo fudging hoo. I fell for it (but then I am a dick that tries to see the good in everyone). I believed a 'friend' had been treated badly by another friend, and then I became that (other) friend and now know that it wasn't the one who walked away that was the bad person. I now understand what they meant when they told the 'friend' how hurt they felt at how they had been treated. Isn't it odd how some people play the victim so well? How their other friends will suck up to them because of how mean their 'so-called friend' is being to them? I only hope one day these suckers also see what I have seen and realise they too have been pulled into the web of lies and deceit. And yet, I try too hard. To fit in apparently, to get people to notice me. Let's just think about that for a moment. People will constantly talk over me, interupt me, and pretty much ignore anything I have to say at times. Now, if I was the kind that tried too hard, would I not try to stop this from happening? I just figure they're not interested in anything I have to say so sit in the background and listen to everyone else. As for wanting to be noticed. Well of course we all want people to notice us if we're in a sociable environment, yet at the same time these days I am the one you will most likely find sitting in the corner, trying not to draw attention to myself - again it goes back to people talking over me so I often think I get invited along as just an adfter thought, therefore I don't need to draw attention to myself. I'm the one at a gig when everyone else is trying to get the attention of the band who will say "there's no point hanging round so let's just make a move home". If that's trying to hard, then I hold my hands up and am guilty as charged. Heck, I barely update my FB status any more and only share things that I consider to be humourous - again if that's trying too hard then I really do.

Had this person said they find me aloof and not very socialable I could have understood, as I really am not that socialable these days and don't put myself out for others any more. I figure if people can't put themselves out for me then I shall return their favour. As for people not liking me. Really? What I think it really boils down to is that I no longer give a shit. If people aren't prepared to make the effort with me, then neither am I with them, and people don't like that. They don't like that I've seen them for who they really are and that I'm not prepared to put myself out for them any longer, and it's not liked. Well you know what? Tough shit. Don't like it, walk away. I certainly won't bother trying to stop you.

Now onto normal every day Sarah crap :)

Did I tell you I need to wear glasses again? It seems like every other opticians appointment results in me being told I need them. In 2 years at my next appointment they'll probably tell me I don't need them any more :) I'm sure that's why the boy (and he really was a boy) serving me with the frames I chose thought I was going for them because they were the cheapest. I'd happily admit that, if that was the reason, but I got them because I genuinely liked them. Had they fallen into the higher priced bracket it wouldnt' have made any difference. In fact I found the designer styles to be pretty ugly and not worthy of their costs. The woman testing did make me chuckle because all she kept saying was "hmm; how odd" and "that's most unusual" as I was saying whether number 1 or 2 was better each time she tried different. I did ask if I was saying the right thing at one point :) She told me there was no right or wrong, but that my results were 'unusual'.. hahaha. Anyway, turns out I need for reading/computering, but also for distance when driving at night (same as before). She suggested varifocals, but the boy who served me said they always say that, and suggested seperate glasses - 1 pair to keep with me for reading/computering, the other for keeping in the car (he also said those ones would be good when at the cinema - as I've only been once in 10 years I think I'll just keep them in the car :) ). Plus the varifocal lenses worked out more expensive in just one pair of glasses, wihtout the frames (I would have gone for 2 pairs had they been a decent price) than I actually paid for 3 pairs (I got an extra pair for work so I don't have to keep taking them back and forth) including the night driving ones having an anti-reflective coating on them. Of course, when I go back in 2 years if I still need them and they have helped then I would consider going for just the 2 pairs with the varifocals lenses but for now I don't see the point in wasting money I haven't got :) The optician also picked up on me having a dry cornea - I'd not mentioned to her that I was having problems with my eye feeling dry as I wanted to see if she was able to see if something was wrong, as if she hadn't I would have put it down to something else. Thankfully there is no damage to my eye for that to be the cause, and she suggested it's probably menopause related - another symptom to add to the list. I only wish the dropper the drops she prescribed me were easier. They have a little push button on the bottom which will only dispense the correct amount of liquid needed, which is a great idea except that it's so bloody stiff I nearly gouged my eye out trying to the get them in. I now have to rely on my Mum - who can't see a thing at the best of times herself - to get them in for me. Several times they've ended up on my forehead :)



Sunday, 27 March 2016

An odd week

Well not odd in a strange way, but odd in a trial/error kind of way. Actually, it's probable not been odd at all in reality, but I wasn't sure how else to start this. I did have a hiccup with a feminine product at the beginning of the week and have shared the review of the thing at the bottom of this page, so men you do not need to read it; ladies if you're considering ever using a mooncup then it might be worth you having a read. Sorry it's a bit graphic. 

Work has been very up and down this week but things are good and we've had an exceptionally good month which is always a wonderful thing and a fabulous feeling. 

I did have a bit of a blip on Saturday when some friends a few weeks back had mentioned a get together then nothing got mentioned to me again, but the next minute there were pics of them all drinking and having a good time on Facebook; felt a bit let down but got over it soon enough. It seems to be the done thing with friends these days so I should have expected it really. They're sweet enough when I'm with them but I'm always an after thought, and that's fine. At least I know where I stand, unlike some that pretend to be friends but then bitch about me behind my back when I stop letting them treat me like shit. As it was Jase phoned me and made me go out to play with him so I didn't end up sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. His go out to play was slightly different to what I thought as he was working, drove me to a dodgy area of a town I dislike, parked in a back road between an 8ft wall and dirty old car park, where he left me for half an hour while he whipped off to do his job :) We did go up the hill after for a cuppa; something I've not done for a really long time. I did also discover another friend lying to me as well this week. I'd like to know what I did to warrant being lumbered with people that are only in it for themselves. It didn't help that Saturday was the 4th anniversary of Donna's death; her's was one friendship that was definitely a 2 way thing and I miss her so very much. 

How typical that I get 4 days off over the Easter weekend and wake up Friday morning with the most minging cold - it's a good job I didn't end up going camping this weekend. I was going to go down on Saturday night to meet up with them all but nobody got back to me on it so I planned on doing something else, but that get canceled due to be them (and me) being full of minging cold. Same thing happened for Sunday too when I was meant to be meeting up with my number one. She's due to give birth in the next 2 weeks so a cold is the last thing she's needing right now. 

Lack of sleep this week has made me very touchy which is not good when living with an elderly relative who likes to scrape her knife and fork together (a noise that really winds me up) who likes to pick at her fingers (thus making a flicky noise all evening) and who has now taken to talking all the way through TV shows - I've had a running commentary on some to the point I've not even needed to be watching, while during others she's constantly asking me what's going on or why someone is doing something. I remember how angry she used to get with my Nan for doing the same so never thought she would do it to me - yet she does. Still, she's my Mum and I only have the one, and aside from those annoyances I wouldn't swap her for the world. 

I did get angry with her on Monday when I finally got it out of her that she doesn't want to do the 2 nights in the camping pod I booked for us. I had an inkling she didn't but whenever I mentioned it she made out she was up for it, then it turns out she wasn't and she told me the reason she never said anything was because she didn't want to upset me. Told her it pissed me off more that she didn't tell me. I'm sure she'll do it again though. 

Review of the mooncup - not really for men to read unless your wife/girlfriend is thinking of getting one.


I so wanted to be able to rave about my mooncup and re-iterate all the wonderful things I had read about them on their own site and after my first 24 hours I was ready to rave about it. Aside from being a bit uncomfortable to insert and extract, all was good. Then came my 2nd night. As someone who suffers with heavy periods I always set an alarm for every 2 hours to change tampons, and not being 100% convinced about the mooncup as it was my first period using it, I did the same. Went to be at midnight, removed at 2 - all was fine. Same at 4, which then prompted me to think it was worth risking doubling up on the time (I didn't have work so thought I'd try an 8am lay in too). At 7 I was woken by the most excruciating pain I've ever known. I've experienced crippling stomach pains, I've had a major kidney infection, a grumbling appendix and the pain of all 3 didn't even come close. I also felt wet. Practically falling out of bed, I noticed the wet feeling came from the fact I was covered in blood - my sheet, my mattress (a memory foam one that I have had to replace) my pj's and myself, covered. I made it to the bathroom believing the mooncup to have unsealed and upon trying to remove it couldn't find it (I never cut the stem as I wanted  to make sure I was fully comfortable with it before doing so yet still had nothing to grab on to for removing).   Apparently what the reviews on this site don't tell you (but ones I have found elsewhere do) is that the mooncup can in fact be vacuum sucked inside you; as a result there is then nothing stopping you from bleeding (as I did) and if it's gone too far there's nothing to grab to extract. I tried squatting as it suggested, I tried relaxing (which isn't easy when you're in so much pain) but still nothing. Chatting with a friend afterwards I discovered that this happens more often than people would think. My excellent pelvic muscles made sure it stayed where it had been sucked into. Once it had been sucked in it was stuck. I guess I should have realised when I read through the reviews (on their own product site) and didn't come across a single negative one that all as not as it seems, as nothing is 100% perfect, but I bit the bullet and took the risk. I won't make that mistake again with anything.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

They're COWARDS

not Martyrs; they're not fighting for a cause, or in the name of religion. They are just idiots who are blowing themselves up (well some of them, others realise they're not brave enough to take their own lives after all so they leave their vests and do a runner, making them even bigger COWARDS). Yet while they blow themselves they also take out innocent men, women and children. Oh yes, it takes a real hero to kill a child doesn't it? The heroes are the men and women who put their lives on the line to help those innocents who have been mercillously injured and murdered by these COWARDS - there really is a need for caps when describing them for that is just what they are; COWARDS. 

They're not Martyrs, for a Martyr will take only themselves out of the equasion for their cause. A Martyr is NOT a murderer; a Martyr is NOT a COWARD. All these PATHETIC COWARDS achieve is death, destruction and pissing off people that might at some point have felt some sympathy for their cause if they'd gone about things in a different way, and if people knew what their actual cause was? The child they have blown to bits has more courage than these things (they're not worthy of being called humans) could ever dream of having. 

Only the weak minded can be brainwashed, and these COWARDS are most definitely brain washed into thinking they are doing something for a cause, which just goes to prove how very WEAK they really are. They don't go head to head with a trained killer who has the tools to be able to defend themselves; they target women, children, the elderly. That makes them the biggest of all COWARDS.

Do they really believe that by murdering an unarmed child they are making themselves some kind of hero? If so they are as dellusional as they COWARDLY.

I don't normally comment on things like this for I don't know enough about things to feel I can comment, but today I realised I know all I need to know. It doesn't matter what they think, feel or believe in. It doesn't matter what I know about their cause, their religion, the reasoning behind anything. What does matter is that I am so sick of these COWARDS going out into the world, murdering defenceless people (children included) because they think they will gain something from it. There are no virgins waiting for them and If I was a believer in such things I'd like to hope the devil is there ready to make them suffer for all eternity, all that awaits them is death and even more people left opposing their cause, their comrades and their religion. They are causing their own people to suffer through their ignorance and cowardice and actually just really end up making themselves look like uneducated, ignorant fools - albeit child murdering uneducated, ignorant fools. 

Friday, 18 March 2016

Change the record - please

Goodness me, what is it with people? For as long as I can remember I've had male friends - in fact my first friend as such was my cousin (he's a day younger than me - had to get that point in)  who happens to be a MALE. We spent loads of time together as kids so it's almost inevitable that I would learn how to deal with males and ingratiate myself as 'one of the boys'. We were flung in the bath together when we got dirty (which was quite often as muddy water never stopped me from playing - he wasn't quite so keen on getting dirty but had very little choice when out with me) I was climbing trees one day, while playing with cars and trucks the next (and my jacks - how I loved those random little metal shapes and the funny smelling pinky/red coloured ball that came with them). I also played with dolls - I had a great double pushchair with a hood either end that would take twin dolls (of course I only really used it for one so she had more room to stretch out - that explains a lot about me these days :) ). Alongside my cousin was my next door neighbour who we shall call Alan (because that's his name) :) He was the same age as me and when I wasn't with my cousin, I was up the woods playing with him - back when we were kids our parents used to let us out to play. I remember we got stuck in mud up the woods one day that was so deep I couldn't get my welly out. Eventually my foot came out (minus the sock - why do socks always remain?) while the welly stayed put. It took both of us to pull it out by which time the foot that had been in it was caked in mud (as were both of us) so I took off the other welly to match and walked home bare footed (something I still do often today - walk barefoot that is, not get stuck in mud... although!!! ). Back then people were more sociable and the fencing between our houses was about 2ft high and wire, and we laughed at each other as our Mum's stripped us both off on the doorstep before dragging us off to the bathroom to clean us up. Maybe because of that, and the baths with Martin, I've never had any hangups when it's comes to being around males and I think nothing of stripping off in front of male friends. I never thought of Martin as anything more than my cousin, or Alan as anything more than my friend. We'd have to share beds on sleepovers (not that they happened often) and I remember they always consisted of fights over who was taking up too much space. Never once did the thought of checking out each others little bodies occur to us, and I will admit I find it quite sickening when people seem to think it's odd that we shared baths and beds; to me anyone that finds that odd is obviously a little bit odd themselves (maybe even slightly perverted in a way). Alan moved away when I was 6 and I can't tell you how sad I was to lose my best friend (in an odd turn of events he ended up becoming Jason's neighbour and friends - Jason being my bestie these days, yet we didn't meet each other until 10 years later).

My Dad was a fireman on the railways, then a bus and finally a coach driver throughout my life, so spending time with him, also meant spending time around all the other males. My Dad was one of 4 brothers, and my Mum had an older brother also (not that we really saw him and he definitely doesn't count in my world as family) so again all my peers were males too.

By the time I got to school I found I got on better with the boys than I did with the girls, and that's when it really all started. Even in infant school I was picked on for having boy friends (that's friends who are males and not boyfriends as the joined up term of the word). One girl in particular (Anita) would pretend to be my friend to make friends with the boys, but when she didn't quite fit she took to bullying me - I have an extra dimple on the side of my face where she smashed a housebrick into me (we were in juniors by then). All this started because of my friendships with boys. By the time I was a teenager things got intensely worse on the bullying front - usually always centred around me being friends with the boys other girls had a thing for, although sometimes also because I didn't have the latest designer clothes, until one day I decided enough was enough and finally stood up for myself. However, that still didn't stop people accusing me of being more with friends than I was. I still didn't get it. These boys (as they were back then) were my friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't even remember as a teenager ever looking at any of the boys I was at school with as anything other than friends (except for maybe one - yes, there was definitely one, but I could never let on as I knew (thought I knew) he felt different. I ended up using him as a confidante when me and my boyfriend - who was older and had left school - were having issues. Secretly deep down I was hoping he'd tell me to dump my boyfriend for him, but he never did.. hahahahaha). That last bit (about secretly hoping) is a joke by the way as I know he reads my waffle and we always wind each other up over such things :)

Inside of school I didn't really have any female friends as such - there were a couple of girls I chatted to, got on with and still see these days, but we were never hangout with each other friends. We woudn't have confided in each other. Thankfully the 2 female friends I had outside school who were part of our little 'gang' were just like me (well one of them; the other I'm not entirely sure of). They had boyfriends from outside our group who were older, and just saw the boys we hung out with as friends. One of the girls would often have all night house parties where we'd get an older friend to buy cider (ahh.. the days of merrydown) and share a bottle between 6 of us, before crashing out in her house wherever we fell. I shared a sofa bed with 4 other guys one night - again, to me this was nothing more than mates crashing out. There was no funny business and I'm sure I can speak for them when I say anything untoward was never even thought of. That, however, didn't stop people from accusing - sadly one of those accusing was in a fact a male friend. He loved nothing better than making up stories and accusations about other people (sadly even as a grown me he still behaves in such a way) He accused me when I was with my boyfriend of "having it away" - his words - with another lad from another 'gang' who often overlapped and interloped with ours. To this day he still tells people I did the deed with this lad (I kissed him once when we were playing a game of 'spin the bottle'). The friend that did the accusing is like that though; he liked to stir up as much shit as he could - he's the one recently that accused me of sleeping with one of my oldest friends husband. I have nothing to do wtih him any more (the accuser, not the husband) but I'm sure when he gets togehter with mutual friends he still fills their heads with lies about me and who I have/haven't slept with. Sometimes I think it's a jealous thing, others it's just because they were made to be nasty little spiteful creatures.

The point I've been trying to make (not very well I know, but I do like to go all round the houses) is that I don't understand why some people find it so hard to believe males and females can be friends. I've had it all my life - that's where I started before I got off track. The boys at school; the boys I hung out with. My friend Dave (who is like the big brother I never had). We got on so well (still do) but never once did we look at each other as anything other than friends. We were dared to kiss each other once (you know what it's like at 14? As long as it's not illegal or going to get you killed, you're probably going to accept a dare). We both said afterwards it was the most disgusting thing we had ever done (I still think to this day it was wrong). Not because either of us was a bad kisser, but because we were (are) just good friends. That didn't stop people from questioning us and our friendship though. I used to get so bored of trying to explain how ours was just purely a friendship. That's why I was so upset last year when I was accused of sleeping with my friends husband (they had split by the way). Not just because he's her husband, but he's a friend. That one was done maliciously though so in a way it doesn't really count. That was down to a pathetically sad individual who likes to cause as much shit as he can for others; he gets his kicks from doing so and gains nothing other than getting his kicks. He told me once a social worker friend of his said I had to be a lesbian because I said I thought Sandra Bullock was a beautiful woman (yep, that's the kind of twat he is). Have to admit found that attitude from a social worker a bit odd though; I only hope she treats her clients better, or she could really be screwing with some disturbed heads. But now, it's happened again and I am sick of it. 

I have Jase - you all know about Jase because I talk about him a lot (I moan about him a lot too) but someone saw a photo of the 2 of us on facebook (gotta love fb and people taking things the wrong way) put 2 and 2 together and came up with 9. Why can't people just accept me and him are 2 people that met on a bus 30 years ago, who struck up a friendship and are still as good friends today? I've been there through all his girlfriends; he's been there through all my boyfriends. We've never been anything other than friends, we never will be anything other than friends. Are other people so shallow (or desperate) they they can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex? Why do people automatically jump to conclusions? I don't see my friends hanging out with members of the opposite sex and immediately think they're sleeping together. All I see are a couple of mates hanging out having a laugh and a good time. I love Jase to bits, and in recent months he's really stepped up to the plate and proved himself to be one of the best friends I've had, but the thought of him touching me in an intimate area, or kissing me, actually makes my skin crawl, yet some saddo out there has decided to get a little rumour going that me and him are more than friends and it pisses me off. WHEN I find myself a man who is brave enough to take me on as his girlfriend, a man who I think worthy and deserving of me giving him my time and investing some energy into, then I will let people know if I choose to do so. WHEN (notice I said when and not if). Until such time those of you with nothing better to do with your sad, shallow little lives, go and play with the traffic on the motorway and stop dreaming up crap that isn't, hasn't and won't be occuring. Better, still go and find yourself a life so you stop trying to meddle (stir up shit) in mine.

Monday, 14 March 2016

Menopause

What is it and what does it mean to people? I believe that's a good question to ask, but can't answer for anyone other than myself. What it is (according to the experts) is something that women will go through when they reach a certain age (some will start younger than others; some will have hardly any symptoms, while others will have loads). The only thing I can tell you is that it is currently the bane of my life and I can't wait until it is all over (sadly it has only just begun - well, it started 2 years ago, but as I've been told it could last me 15 years (and more) then it really has only just begun).

As I have said above, I can't speak for any woman other than myself, but I'm amazed at how many different things about me and my body that have changed in the past 2 years. How many different things I now experience that I have never done before. It's like I am a completely different person (a person I really don't like some times). 

I have also learned the everything I was told about the menopause, and what to expect when I reached that age, is completely different to what I am experiencing. I only ever heard about the hot flushes, occasional angry/tearful outbursts and irregular monthly cycles. This appears to not be the case; there are more than just these 3 symptoms. 

Below I have listed all the things I am currently experiencing. I really hope no more get added to the mix. I've tried not to be too descriptive (I could be a lot more detailed) when explaining the symptoms but at the same time I don't want to skirt round them; if someone had explained to me a little bit more I might have been better prepared and known what to expect when the time came. 

Crawling

This is the oddest sensation I think I have ever experienced. It started back in the summer when it was a lot warmer. At first I put it down to the heat, then I blamed my cat and dog saying they were obviously infested with fleas. A trip to the vets ensued, where I was told there wasn't a thing to be found on them (good job really or I would have wasted a fortune on flea treatments for them both).

Next I blamed washing powder and actually contacted the company who's product I use and have always used to see if they had changed any of the ingredients in their washing powders. They came back with a definite no.

An allergy test showed there was nothing wrong there either. This left just one thing. The Menopause. The itchy, crawling feeling I experience on a regular basis can apparently be associated with menopausal women. I had never heard about this sensation before. Whenever women I know that have been through all this were talking about their symptoms, not one of them ever mentioned the crawling.

It literally feels as though billions of tiny little insects are crawling all over, under and through the skin. The sensation is not just isolated to one part of my body either. It happens all over, from top to toe. The only thing that seems to help is by taking an antihistamine (although my doctor told me they probably only act as a placebo to my own mind, and aren't actually helping, as the sensation is not related to an allergy *point to note if you do take one, make sure it's non-drowsy if you're at work*). However; if taking one makes me think the issue is treated then so be it. Sod what some doctor says. 

Flushes (Topical Moments)

Over the years I have worked with many women going through the menopause (what delightful working conditions I have dealt with at times). I have witnessed many of them having their hot flushes (or tropical moments as they are called these days). Oddly all these women appeared to experience them in the same way. They started by suddenly going very red in the face; next they would begin to fan themselves, before removing layers of clothing. This would be accompanied by them sweating quite badly (enough for it to run down their faces or for their clothes to get very wet at times).

I have not had this happen. While theirs seemed to work from the outside and top to bottom, mine come from within and start pretty much in the centre of my body. They start with the odd sensation of having wet myself (when I in fact haven't and am not damp in that area at all - sorry if that's too much info for some of you). I then feel my body warm from the inside, as if someone has lit a fire in the pit of my stomach, causing the blood in my veins to bubble slightly, before reaching boiling point. I end up feeling as though every part of my body is at this boiling point, except for the very outer layer of my skin which always feels icy. It's as if this icy layer is keeping the heat inside and not letting it escape. These moments can last anywhere from 5 minutes to several hours. I do get to the stage sometimes in bed where I suddenly have to rip off every item of clothing I may be wearing, before throwing the covers off; annoyingly though as soon as I do this (because of the icy feeling) I then need to pull everything back on and over. I don't seem to be able to find a happy balance between the 2 extremes of temperature. To feel boiling hot and freezing cold at exactly the same time is truly a very odd experience. 

Irritability

I have noticed that for several days each month, I have the tolerance level of a bear that has been woken from hibernation with a raging toothache, or a wasp that has had enough of being swatted away from the pot of jam. 

I've always been the kind of person that gets irritated by things quite easily, but could normally do other things to stay tolerant. Not any more. The things that just irritated me before, now wind me up to the point where I could happily bitch slap people; I've even been tempted to wrap a keyboard around someones head (the other day I had the urge to stab a screwdriver in someone's eye; thankfully I am still rational enough to know not to do that, but it doesn't stop me wanting to). I think out of all the bits and pieces I'm experiencing this is the worst one. I have no control over any of them (they strike when they want to). There are pills, creams or people to talk to when the others symptoms make an appearance, but this anger just comes from nowhere.

Talking to people about how I am feeling when this irritability hits me, just pisses me off more because they tell me to ignore it (if I could ignore it I wouldn't be getting so angry in the first place). Other people have told me to get some HRT but I remember when I was on the pill what taking things to alter your natural body and hormones can do; if I was to feel anywhere near the way I did when I was taking the pill then there's no way in the world I would take anything. I was evil back then, with a capital E. I actually managed to lift a 22 stone man (I weighed about 9 stone at the time) out of the arm chair he was sunken in to by the throat, before dragging him into the kitchen. I was just about to bring the blade of a bread knife across his throat when my friend walked in and stopped me. If the people telling me to play with my hormones had known me then they would beg me to stay away from any kind of HRT. 
 
Tears
 
I knew that one of the symptoms was that some women become more emotional. As someone that can cry at a movie (and who will never watch certain films because I know I will cry) I had prepared myself for this, or so I thought. I can cry at things that haven't happened yet. How mad is that? Just thinking about something bad that might (or might not) happen and I'm a blubbering wreck. Sometimes just sitting doing a crossword can bring about tears. There is no rhyme or reason to it at all. I can understand if I am watching/reading something sad orif I am talking about someone that is no longer here. But doing a crossword? Whatever is there to cry about when doing a puzzle? Oh no look, I got 3 down right, oops, here come the tears. It's absolutely ridiculous. How do you explain to someone when they ask what's wrong, that there is nothing wrong? I'm amazed I've not been committed at times.

Dryness - then not.

I'd heard about how some women suffer from a form of vaginal dryness (sorry to any males that may be reading from this point onwards, although it may help you understand your woman if you are :o) ) . Now as someone that's not currently sleeping with anyone (let's face it starting a relationship when I'm blowing from hot and cold each day would not be a wise decision) I didn't think this would affect me (just shows how even at my age it is still possible to be ignorant of things). When I'd heard about it I thought it meant you got a little dry in the old canal down there, meaning that it can make it painful when having sex. I didn't actually understand/realise it meant the whole of my vaginal area (inside and out) would become dry. I also didn't know that along with that dryness comes the itching. So bad sometimes I want to get a hair brush to scratch (not good when out and about). It can be totally unbearable one minute, the next back to being normal and moist. So very odd. The worst thing is I have long nails and sometimes I just have to scratch. I have been known to take the layer of delicate skin just inside the area off, causing an awful lot of bright red blood to appear. Really not a nice experience. 

Then for 6 days a month it all gets a bit gloopy - again, I'm sorry to any men reading. By gloopy I don't mean (what do I not mean?). It's hard to explain really. It feels constantly as if you are wetting yourself (thank goodness for tena lady :) ) yet there's nothing wet at all. The Tena's stay dry; the only thing that lets you know things are a bit off is when you pee and wipe - that's when the gloopy feeling/experience happens. 

Hair (top and bottom)
 
"Some women may experience thinning hair" it said in a leaflet I read that the doctor gave me about the menopause. What it didn't mention is how, yes the hair down below may thin out a little bit, but that it might also spread further than it did before. At one time I had a nice, neat little triangle. I now have a triangle with the with a semi-circle shape at the top, and an extra trail on it that pretty much stretches all the way round to my butt. WTF is that all about? I know that some blokes when they go for waxing have a back, sack and crack wax, but I never believed that as a woman I would have to ensure such a thing (minus the back and sack.. haha). I can no longer go to the salon to be waxed due to the embarrassment of it all, and as such have had to invest in a bikini line trimmer that has an epilator attachment (I am sure you can only imagine how much water that can bring to the eyes when you reach the no-man's land area between front and back?). For those of you that have never used an epilator, grab some tweezers and pull several pubic hairs out at the same time - that will give you some idea. Then continue for every single hair you have :) 

Then there is the hair upon my head. Thankfully that's not thinning quite as quick (although there are way too many grey hairs appearing at an alarming rate) but no matter what shampoo I use, I just can't get it to look clean. I can wash it, blow dry it, get it looking luscious, then half an hour later I look like someone has emptied a chip pan over my head. My fringe hangs in clumpy odd shaped pieces, that often stick further up my forehead, when it should be falling like a lovely shimmery curtain, ending just above my eyebrows (those things now have a mind of their own too and over night 6 inch ones that grow at random angles can appear). The rest of my shoulder length brunette locks, that only minutes before had bounce movement and body to them, now just hang like damp streamers caught in a rain storm. Add to that the exceptionally itchy scalp which brings about delightful dandruff style flakes, and you really do have a contradiction in itself. 
 
Memory
 
From being someone that had a cracking memory (other people used to tell me what they were up to weeks in advance so I could remind them) I now find myself in the position of having to set reminders on my phone, computer, on notelets dotted about, and tell other people what I'm up to, just to remember even the most mundane thing. To begin with I joked it was because I had so many different things to remember, but I know that's not the reason. I know it all connects with my Inability and Stupidity, which all lead back to menopause (at least I hope it's all part of the same thing; not sure I'm quite ready to be losing my mind just yet). It's amazing how quickly I can forget what I am doing too. I can go to the kitchen to put the kettle on and think of something that needs doing (that's a memory so it doesn't always fail me) but after doing that I'll go on to do something else. An hour or 2 later I might suddenly remember I was making a drink. It gets frustrating at work though as I should always be at the top of my game then. Having a bad memory at work is not a good thing and I've made some real newbie errors recently because of this memory loss (and as someone that's been doing the same job for 30 years a Newbie error is something I should ''never''' make). 

Headaches

I've experienced hormonal headaches since I first became a woman (not that I was a woman when it all first kicked off; you can hardly call a 9 year old a woman) so I've learnt to live with and deal with them over the years. A minor one will go, a bad one will need a pill or 2 to get rid. A really bad one might require more than 2 pills, a bucket to be sick in and a dark room to lay down and hopefully sleep. The headaches I've had recently don't seem to fit in to any of these categories. They really are just an ache. A dull, thudding ache either at the back/top of the head, or behind the eyes but deeper inside the head. They don't require a pill as such because they don't cause any pain, but now and then a pill has been taken to see if it will remove it (it's more annoying than painful) however, so said pill has no effect whatsoever. It's all very odd; almost like the very first twinges of what could be an absolute corker of a head splitter, but it never gets any worse, yet doesn't get any better. It just comes at some point during the day, and leaves as quickly at another point during the day. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink. If one is going to appear it will, but I know it will leave equally as quickly as it arrives whenever it feels like it. Occasionally the beginnings of a migraine will start - those of you that have those will understand the kaleidoscope that goes on in your periferal vision. If I catch them the second I get the first flashes I can avoid it being too bad, but let it go on longer than 3 minutes and I'll stick my head down the loo, pop a dozen pills and pray that the end comes quickly. 
 
Terror/Paranoia
 
Sleep is something I don't experience much of (see the paragraph below) but when I do there are the nightmares; ones that can't be remembered upon waking, but you know they were bad by the way it's hard to catch your breath. I can feel my heart not just pounding, but beating against my chest with a sledge hammer to get out. The terror that opening my eyes or looking around the room, is going to show something that I really don't want to see or couldn't cope with. Is there someone in the house about to axe me to death? or worse? All rationale goes out the window in those split seconds between waking and getting a grip back on reality; add to that any fears I normally have at the best of times, being heightened by 100 (or more) %. If you're afraid of the dark then begin sleeping with the lights on when menopause hits. If you have a fear of spiders (or any other creepy crawly, rodent, slithery thing) then get someone else to regularly check your house for these fears will be worse than they've ever been. Ghosts? do they exist? don't they? it doesn't matter. Any rhyme or reason will go out the window. I am a massive skeptic of anything paranormal, but during those waking moments after the nightmares I'd believe in anything. Thankfully the cold light of day puts everything back in to perspective, but at the time nothing will alter or take away those feelings. 

Insomnia

I climb into bed tired; sometimes at the point of exhaustion as I've had a week of insomnia, nightmares when I have actually managed an hours sleep, tearful moments which add to the tiredness, and I am ready to close my eyes and not open them until the following morning.

My head hits my lovely soft pillows, my body sinks into my mattress. The room is pitch black. The dog stretches out next to me, the cat curls up on the spare pillow. The 3 of us are set. I close my eyes, I feel my body relax then my mind begins to drift. I'm falling asleep, then '''BOOM''' I'm wide awake. My eyes feel heavy so I close them again. I want to sleep. I know thinking about not sleeping will stop me, so I go through the relaxation techniques I have been taught. My feet relax, ankles, legs, my whole body is relaxed. My mind is silent, I'm about to drop. '''Wham''' it ain't gonna happen. Do I get up? Read a book maybe? Make a camomile tea? I've tried them all. Lavender (hate the smell but was willing to try anything). Geranium oil (in a red hot bath this helped relax me but again within an hour I was awake for the rest of the night). Calms, Sleep Aid, Doctor Prescribed sleeping pills. Nothing. It doesn't matter what I do, something inside refuses to let me sleep. 

This lack of sleep at night then means at random points during the day I suddenly find myself almost at the point of nodding off; how is that ever a good thing? One minute bouncing around doing what needs to be done, the next my eyes tell me they're tired. Does that sound mad? My eyes tell me? They do though. It's a different kind of tired to the general *yawn I'm tired*. Suddenly my eyes become heavy and ready to close; at these moments I could also cry very easily even when there is nothing to cry about it. It's as if my eyes are saying "If you won't let us shut for sleep then we'll just cry". It really is all very random.

Embarrassing
 
I really won't go into details on the boil sized cysts that make an appearance now and then in a very delicate area. Showing one of these to your doctor, expecting them to make you walk away with a big sign round your neck saying '''unclean''' is just the pits. 

Thankfully the doctor said "oh poor you, one of the downsides of raging hormone's I'm afraid. Try not to scratch them so they don't get infected, but other than that there is nothing you can do to rid yourself of them. Do change to an antibacterial wash though rather than a regular shower gel, oh and '''don't''' keep washing a dozen times a day. That won't help. It's nothing to do with being unclean, it's purely a hormonal imbalance". Yeah right. 

They can also be quite painful as they raise up from the surface. Luckily they don't hang around too long but anything over an hour is too much. 

Inability

Oddly I can cope with most of these symptoms if I put my mind to it, but the mushy head drives me crazy. I used to be one of those people that no matter what was going on in my life, could still function in my day to day life and at work. At home I'd be a complete mess, but nothing ever affected my ability to do my job. Now? Nightmare. I have to write things down (see memory loss above), have made some really silly mistakes that should never be made, mistakes that the usual me would never have made. That is beyond frustrating. Those moments have almost on many occasions bought me to tears. It's just basic functioning. I could do my job with my eyes closed while doing handstands sinking in quicksand, backwards. Now to suddenly find that at times I am not capable of doing the most basic thing does my head in so badly it's unbelievable. As for any kind of concentration skills I may have previously had, they've gone right out of the window. I have the attention span of a teenage hormonal lad that's just watched a perfect figured 20 something female walk by in a bikini. A big fat Zilch. I can't even tell you how my accounts package at work can reduce me to tears, and if one more person tells me it's not difficult I will batter them with a big stick. With the old Sarah head I might agree with them, but inside this mushy head it's bloody difficult. Again this is wildly frustrating for someone like me that used to pick things up easily. 

Stupidity
 
What a great one that is. I have this very day had one of those such stupid moments. All morning my shoe had been really tight on my foot to the point where it felt like it was really pinching. I assumed it was because I am wearing thicker socks than I had on yesterday. Turns out it's because I had the laces tied too tightly. All morning. 7 hours I was in them, for 7 hours they pinched. At what point did I become a stupid person that doesn't think to check the tightness of the laces, before looking for another reason as to why they pinch? It's these kinds of things that are so not me, well the me that hadn't reached this point in my life. 

It wasn't until I got home the other night I realised I had spent all day at work with my top on, not only back to front, but inside out (thanks to anyone that saw me that day and didn't bother to tell me). How did I not notice? It was a v-neck top, not a bloody polar neck. One day recently I managed to put every single item of clothing on either inside out or back to front, although thankfully that time I noticed this myself before I left for work. 

I've put my freshly made cup of tea in the fridge, and left the milk on the side. Not so long ago I forgot to take the microwave meal out of the metal dish it was in. Have you ever seen what happens when you set a microwave to high for 12 minutes and hit the start button? I don't advise trying it I must admit.

Flatulence

Another embarrassing one is the amount of wind that pushes it's way from my body. I'll admit I've never been one not to pass it now and then, but '''never''' to the levels since this all kicked off. Pre this age I might have been able to hold it in or be a bit more discreet. Now there is no hope of that happening unless I literally want to blow up (which would then make a real mess with my body parts splashed all over the place). Mind you I'd rather it come out than have the feeling of needing to let it go but not being able to. The pain of holding it in I can tell you resembles a mild period pain kind of ache.  

Indigestion
 
Not something I had ever suffered with in my old life (let's face it this is now the new me and my new life). Several times in recent weeks I've actually thought I was in the middle of heart attack (not helped by the bouts of paranoia that often take over me, which make me believe my time really is up even though I'm nowhere near ready for it to be right now). Thankfully a dose of one of those liquids that is meant to ease indigestion does help (as does a really good belch). At that point the pain goes and my head reminds me that I'm not in the midst of my untimely death. It can be quite frightening the first time it happens and I have a new sympathy for anyone that has ever suffered from indigestion. 

Menstruation

Even more up and down than they were before - and they were bad enough. At least before I would get a period pain or 2 several days before it started. That could be every 9 days, or every 8 weeks. There was no pattern to them but the pain would give me the head's up. Now though, it just happens. Sometimes there are 15 days between one ending and the next beginning, other's there can be 40 days between the end and beginning, but they all just start with no warning. The pain comes the day after now, by which time I have already learned it's happening, because it's already happening. They still last 9 days though - that much hasn't changed, and there is no build up or down, they start heavy, the continue heavy, and they remain heavy until they just stop. It costs me a fortune in sanitary products (which we have to pay VAT on because they're classed a 'Luxury' and not a neccessity. How the FFFF can they be a luxury?).

Water

Another joyful experience is the swollen feet and *kankles*. I'd say it's due to water retention but I can still pee for England with much regularity so it's nothing to do with that. Before I might have blamed it on the fact I am on my feet all day but now I have people working with me I tend to spend more time sitting with my feet up doing paperwork, and all the boring crap that goes with it, but for several days a month no matter what I do, my kankles swell up, and I look like an oldie that's not been taking her water pills enough. 

Cravings

Anything sweet (which for a savoury person is really quite concerning). Strawberry sour pencils are a particular fave (although I don't like how their outer sugary coating makes my teeth feel). Not just those though, I've discovered I like Co-op's mini caramel shortbread (never liked before) and their rocky road bites are to die for. I could eat a dozen jam doughnuts in one go, and follow it up with sweets, and more sweets. I was always a savoury person before, only wanting anything sweet the day before the hormones kicked in. Now, I could eat sugary shit all day, every day. 

Rashes

Another thing I have noticed is how a rash will suddenly appear for no reason. Nothing there one minute, the next there is a mini rash, or a couple of bite style looking spots that will itch like buggery. Half an hour later they will be gone again. Now to me if they were bites of any kind they would certainly hang around a bit longer than a few hours (and normally in my experience they need cream or an antihistamine to get rid of the things) but these just come and go. Anywhere and any when. On my arm, leg, back, I've even had them on my bum. Who would have thought such little things as hormones (what are hormones?) could cause so much chaos. These rashes are totally separate to the crawling skin.

Heartbeat

This one worried me for a while (so much so I made a trip to the doctors - ooh look there's that paranoia again) but every now and then the old heart rate seems to race (or feels like it's racing) as if I've just run a mile in 4 minutes, when I could in fact just be sat watching TV. Once this racing starts, it's slightly scary, sets off the paranoia, which in turn then causes the heart to race a bit more with the fear and extra adrenalin. It turns out this is all perfectly normal and to be expected. Now when it happens, rather than panicking (thinking I'm having a heart attack) I just take some nice deep breaths, and normally within a matter of minutes things are all back beating as they should be. Again though this is something I never knew could happen. 

Eyes

A new symptom that started 4 months ago is dry eyes. This one scared me a bit at first as I have a friend who works tirelessly to raise money for brain tumour research and I got myself bang on that it was all to do with that, but it's another symptom - oddly it happens around the time the gloopyness happens. Basically I wake up in the morning and my right eye is so dry it feels as though someone's thrown sand in it. Occasionally it feels as though it has something in it, other times it's just the dryness. It lasts no more than half an hour, and if I rub it (stupid thing to do really with an eye) then it waters eventually and that sorts it again until the next morning. A couple of times I have woken in the middle of the night and experienced it (one day it even happened with the left eye) but it only lasts a couple of mornings a month and the rest of the time it's all normal.

Spots
 
As a teenager I was lucky enough not to have to worry about spots; a lot of my friends would get some quite nasty ones, but it was a very rare occurrence for me to suffer with such things. Not so much now. I keep finding (feeling to begin with) huge red angry looking things at the side of my nose and on my chin. They take days to do anything (other than look red and angry) and are not nice at all. They don't help the paranoia either as I feel like my customers are all staring at that awful red spot when I am serving them; how are they ever able to take me seriously when I am exploding like a recycled teenager? 

As you can see, I've been having some odd and different experiences since this all kicked off. I didn't have to share them with you all, but I was sat here waiting for the crawling feeling to wear off after taking another pill, so thought I'd explain to those of you that have been putting up with me recently, why I might be acting more strange than normal. 

To any ladies that haven't yet hit menopause I hope I may haven't made you dread the inevitable even more; for all it's faults and annoyances I do know that in a few years (possibly 13 more) it will all be over and done with and life can return to normal.

To all you males that took the time to read through this, when your ladies hit menopause don't go giving them a hard time. Remember this thread and know if she is threatening to rip your head off, it may not be because you've done something, it could be because you've done nothing :) 

I forget to mention (see memory) that I also at times lose the ability to spell or will miss out words. I find this hard as I was always an exceptional speller but I just can't remember how to spell certain things (you will notice somewhere in here I have '''who's''' instead of whose.