Monday, 21 November 2016

Infections, Funerals, Crystal Balls and Flickering Lights

What a subject line for an entry :) 

After suffering for a week with toothache I decided it was time to finally head off to my dentist where it turns out I've been grinding/clenching my teeth a wee bit too much and have managed to loosen one slightly - that's where the pain is coming from - the infection was nowhere near my tooth though and was in fact in my cheek (I thought I'd scratched it on some pork crackling the week before - DOH).  Not sure when I became a clencher as it's not something I've noticed myself doing before. I guess maybe I'm a little more worried about my boobie lumps and swollen lymph glands than I thought I was. I did think (hope) that maybe being on antibiotics they would go down (after all they can swell if your body is fighting an infection) yet they are still very much up. Only another 9 days and the 4 weeks I was asked to wait is up though, so I can then get back to the doctors and get it looked into properly.  My whole week seemed to revolve around my tooth and the shop, the shop and my tooth - pretty much par for the course though in my life :) 

Then came Friday, a day I had been dreading for it was the day of Jason's Mums funeral. They'd tasked me with her flowers. Not a big thing as it's my job, yet whenever I am making them for people I know I always get a little more stressed out then when making them for strangers. Not that anyone gets treated differently for I have only one level when it comes to my work and that is to always make every item to the best of my ability. I think it's just because I don't want to disappoint a friend. Along with the tributes his sister had asked me to decorate their mums casket (made of wicker which was lovely) with some ivy garlands around the sides and some roses tied into it. Is it wrong to say I was looking forward to doing this? I got into work early so that I could get everything done in time for I wanted to go to the funeral in the afternoon (I also didn't want to go) and I knew I was having to close for an hour while I went to the funeral directors to sort the garland out. The part of me that didn't want to go was winning the battle against the part of me that did (I say that but I never wanted to at all, I just felt I should be there for my friend and to say goodbye to his Mum who was always so lovely to me). The main tributes I'd prepared the afternoon before so they weren't an issue but I had weddings on the Saturday that needed my time, a function that evening and of course I needed the ivy for the casket. Arriving at the shop ready to get ton with things I was stumped - my wholesaler had failed to arrive. My meticulously planned morning had been lead astray. By 10am I was beginning to panic for the funeral directors wanted me there at 11 and I was still waiting on the ivy and had done none of the other jobs I should have had ready before I left. I started to feel as though the universe was conspiring with me as at that point there was no way I was going to find the time to go to the funeral - I had a little chat with his Mum and thanked her as I figured she'd had a hand in it also. Jase came in to collect something for the funeral and could see how far behind I was. When I told him it meant I may not make it he said "work is work". I stewed on that for over 2 hours wondering if he was having a dig that I was putting work first or if he was saying he understood.  He left at 10.15 and as he pulled away so the ivy I needed (with my wholesaler) arrived. I can't tell you have relieved I was, for I'd already made the decision I was going to have to use the artificial ones I had in the shop for there was no way I would be able to get any nice enough to put round the casket and she deserved the very best. 

I arrived at the funeral directors 15 minutes early (better to be early than late) to find them in complete turmoil. They weren't anywhere near ready for me. The casket wasn't sealed and they'd not moved his Mum from the viewing room the previous day. After 20 minutes the 2 girls working there came back to tell me they couldn't get the casket sealed and were going to have to wait for one of their male counterparts to arrive but he could be a couple of hours. I told them I'd leave the ivy for them to do but got the reply they were too busy so asked if I was able to dress the casket without it being sealed - this was agreed the best thing to do. As it was when I got to his Mum I was able to help one of the girls seal her (my first ever time in all the years I've dealt with funerals). Not having enough room inside they had moved her into the garage area (she'd have hated that as it was bloody cold out there - only 5'c when I was there). 2 other caskets were there also. Finally I was able to get to work doing what needed to be done. I had a chat with her as I was going, mentioning how I knew she would hate being so cold and how I wish I'd taken a jumper with me (I'd assumed I'd be working inside so only had on a t-shirt). She was quite close to one of the others in there so I moved her over slightly to work on one side, but it still wasn't far enough as I found when I bounced my fat arse off one of the other coffins. Apologising to the gentleman (I wasn't even sure when I said sorry if it was a gentleman - thankfully his name plaque suggested he was) I got on with things chatting eventually with all 3 of them when the lights began to dip and flicker.  I thought this a bit odd then put it down to the fact I was in the garage area so the lighting wouldn't be as up to scratch there as it was inside - turns out that one of Jason's other friends had the same thing happen to her when she'd been to view his Mum who was inside at the time!!!! I explained to his Mum I wasn't going to make the funeral as I had a lot to do and didn't really need to say goodbye, but also that I'd feel guilty not going but was sure she'd understand. When I'd finished I said my goodbyes, left and had no plans to go to the funeral. 

Back at the shop I found myself getting on far better than I thought I would and by 12.30 (the funeral was at 2.30) I couldn't get this nagging voice out of my head that kept saying I'd regret it and feel guilty if I didn't go and that if I was truly Jason's friend I would be there for him. Another voice (that one of reason) kept telling me he would have enough people there, yet the nagging one was getting stronger by the second.  I knew then I was going to have to go. Then a customer came in wanting something made up. I told him it would be 10 mins so he said he'd pop into town, pay some bills and be back. Then another customer came in (she never buys anything and can be hard to get rid of but she was a welcome distraction at the time). She knew I was meant to be going to the funeral and asked why I'd changed my mind so I explained it all to her. She said she thought I'd regret it if I didn't go at which point I said I needed to leave by 1.40 at the latest to get there in time and was waiting on the customer coming back. If he didn't turn up it would be too late. I had stuck a sign on the door saying I was closing at 1.30.  At 1.29 I took the sign down for the guy had not come back and I saw that as my sign not to go. Just 30 seconds later I saw him drive up the road, a box sitting happily on the side of the back bench for 3 days fell off and the sun came out through the clouds shining directly onto me. I put that closed sign back up on that door and made it to the funeral and now I am so glad I did. I think I would have felt so guilty if I'd not been able to make it. Not really what you would say of a funeral but it was in fact the nicest one I've ever been to. It was at the new crematorium 15 miles away and the place was so light and airy it made what was an extremely sad occasion a lot easier to bear. The 2 others around us are dark, dingy and mournful places, this was filled with light and love and had a truly wonderful vibe to it - not what you would really say about a crematorium, I know.  His sister had organised everything and she did a truly wonderful job - she did her Mum proud, that's for sure. 

Now, the crystal ball. hahahaha. I've never believed in such things as seeing into the future with them and bought it as a gift for someone who was after one for photographic purposes - they ended up going and getting their own so I wasted money buying it and will now keep it for myself. I may have a play on a photographic level with it, but I may also have a go at seeing if I can see the mist and the future in it :) :) Watch this space 😂😂😂 No, before someone thinks it, I am not mocking it in any way, shape or form and will genuinely make sure if I try I do so properly and with the respect such a thing deserves. 

Thursday, 17 November 2016

My job at times

can be really sobering and make me realise just how very lucky I am.

Not that I have felt lucky this week - until today (I actually started this yesterday but ran out of time so further down the page is changes to tomorrow, which is in fact now my today). I've felt mighty pained and grumpy if I'm going to be totally honest with you all (and why would I be anything else with you?). I've also been a little scared with a touch of sad added to the mix. 

It started Saturday. That slight niggle in my tooth, a wee bit more sensitive than normal when I had my cuppa at work but I thought nothing of it.  After finishing for the day I headed home and took the dog for a long walk in the rain - she didn't like it much but I think it was the best walk I've been on for a really long time. Everything about it was lovely, including the rain bouncing off the trees leaves making sploshing sounds on my coat. The layer of leaves on the ground all differing shades of red, yellow and orange made for a beautiful natural carpet to walk upon (a bit slippy in places but nothing to worry about and I managed to stay upright - not an easy thing for me with my lack of balance). I could happily have walked for hours - the dog, not so :) 

By later in the evening after getting all my jobs done I began to relax and little and that's when I realised the dull thud from my tooth was still very much there. Now, being the type of person who hates going to the doctors (I had to have been - was - really worried to go about the boobie lump the other week - yes, it is still there as are all the others but I think now they may begin to go, reasons being you will see if you are bored enough to carry on) I decided that I may have a bit of an infection starting so needed to nip it in the bud. Out came the garlic cloves (always a great thing for drawing an infection out) and once I'd got over the horrendous stinging sensation that comes from using it, I was fine - I think the alcohol I drank helped also :) It didn't help quite so much when I woke at 2am ready to rip all my teeth out from the right side of my mouth. I've been lucky when it comes to infections and have had only 3 that I know of in my life (not bad when you consider I've got that gum disease - if you smoke GIVE UP NOW. It's not just bad for your lungs it can fudge up your gums too - take it from someone who suffers now because of it). Anywho, the tooth I had pulled a while back used to get a bit iffy now and then but a clove or 2 of garlic would always draw the crap out so I knew what to do to try to get this one sorted. By Sunday teatime I did begin to think that maybe the route I was going down wasn't my best idea for it began to twang as well as throb, but I'd not needed to take an aspirin or anything so I didn't consider it to be "that bad". By the time I got to be Sunday night I was shattered and I stank - garlic was leaking from every single pore. I went up about 11.30pm and was still awake, tossing and turning trying to sleep at 1. I must have dropped off but by 2 I was wide awake again and in so much pain I almost took a pill. Not one to take them unless I really have to I stuck with it finally dropping back off about 4am. Now, I need to tell you that Myrtle was also feeling a bit poorly over hte weekend (I was ready to whip her to the vets first thing Monday although thankfully she picked up a little - as I type this she is fully fit and back to her 'normal' self :) ). The pair of us were not doing well, she'd been awake with me the whole time I was. Suddenly, at 5.13 my bedroom door flew open, my Mum stood in teh doorway yelling "Sarah, are you ok?" My reply was "yes, shit have I overslept?" at which point my light went on. Now the light is directly above my bed and the only time I switch it on is if I am looking for something; I'd NEVER switch it on at that time of day. Mum flicked the switch just as I opened my eyes. I won't tell you the words that spewed from my mouth - they weren't pleasant. Turns out either me or Myrt had been making funny noises (I'm assuming we were snoring) and Mum thought one of us was dying. It's really sweet she cared enough to check but having on just got to sleep I was less than impressed. That then was me awake for the rest of the day.

The toothache began to get a bit worse (I was still not giving up) and more garlic ensued, along with some pain relief pills (I'll admit I considered the dentists on Tuesday but ruled out making an appointment just in case I needed to whip the dog down the vets - getting her better was higher on my list of priorities than getting my infection sorted). 

Tracking back a bit, Monday was the night of the Super Moon and I'd spent Sunday cleaning the telescope, working out how to attach the camera mount to it, then how to get the camera attached, so I could get outside and take some photo's - it was way too cloudy and I didn't even see a sliver of it.  The same thing happened Tuesday (although it was smaller it would have still be good enough to see).  Why did I tell you that? Well, as it happens by Tuesday night I was in agony; the garlic had failed, the painkillers were not working and I got that fizzy popping sensation you get when you know you have an abscess. It took me forever to get to sleep (again I think it was around the 4am mark and I literally then just passed out from the pain and exhaustion). Next thing I know Mum is flinging the door open, not giving me time to think about what's happening or focus on anything, yelling that the moon is outside the back of the house. It was 6am (I don't have my alarm set for another hour after that time). It took me 1.5 hours and so many attempts I lost count to tell her that there was no way it could be photographed in the morning as the light was too bright, the moon also too bright, nothing would really come out other than a bright white dot on the screen. This was was heard in a different way and before I knew what was happening she was complaining about the camera I recently gave her (because she complained her camera doesn't have a viewfinder on it and she can't see the screen to take pics so I gave her my canon eos which does) that it was useless if it couldn't take a shot of hte moon with her than ranting about where I'd put her old one. Finally she found it, by which time I was more than a little pissed off and left her to go to work. 

B/y lunchtime I was feeling thoroughly fed up. I was tired, in pain, and had (still have) a mountain of things that need doing, when an older lady came in to organise some funeral flowers. Turns out they were for her son, her middle son. She gave birth to 3 boys (apparently would have loved a girl). The youngest was killed in a car accident at the age of 18. The one she was ordering the flowers for is her 2nd son. He just dropped dead in mid conversation with his wife. As if that isn't bad enough, her eldest son is currently battling cancer and she said not likely to live to the end of the year. Suddenly my early mornings didn't seem quite so bad. My raging toothache (that could have been sorted on Monday had I not been so stubborn and gone to the vets) wasn't quite so painful as the heartache this lady was suffering. I felt very small and insignificant in the world again. I can't tell you how sorry for this lady I felt. To lose one child would be bad, to lose 2 is unthinkable, but 3? Don't ever tell me there is a god for nobody deserves that. 

I'm still going to complain - it's what I do and I do it well. I'm still going to rant about things and feel sorry for myself - we all do it, but it's nice to know when I get too carried away my job is there to knock me back to earth with a sharp bump and kick, to remind me just how bloody lucky I am. 

Oh, I now have antibiotics too; I'm hoping that not only do they remove the infection from the tooth, but also they make the lumps go down, for if one section of google is to be believed the lymph nodes swell when the body is fighting an infection - of course they also swell if it's something more sinister, but I believe it's not. Wasn't quite so sure when I had some pretty mean hot flushes the 3 nights I didn't sleep. Never had anything like them before and I know that the nasty lymph issues can cause that, however I then realised Mum had switched the heating on, I'd changed to a different sheet (not one of my cool ones) and someone (not me) had closed my bedroom window. Last night with the colder sheet on, the heating off and my window open again not a rise in body temperature was to be had :) 

Monday, 7 November 2016

That moment you realise

that your body is not rebelling against you because it's fighting some nasty life threatening disease (as such - in a weird kind of way that is also exactly what it's doing). It's because I have allowed toxic people into my life and slowly one by one they have been poisoning me. Not in a literal sense (of course) but very much in an emotional and spiritual sense. I've allowed these people to get to the very core of my being where they've gladly infiltrated to the point where I have allowed myself to become so run down on every level that now the physical symptoms are exposing themselves and manifesting. My body has had enough; it's telling me I need to step away, get back to me, start looking after myself. I know some people (my doctor) will say "take a holiday". If only it was that simple. I A) can't afford to, B) don't have time to. I'm running a small business (that has been having it tough in the past few months). I can't walk away from it. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning and I absolutely love what I do. I consider my self truly blessed to be doing something I love. Of course I would love to be able to take a week or 2 off, get away somewhere, chill out. The reality is though that is not going to happen, in fact now I am back to being completely on my own in the shop it's looking highly unlikely it will happen at all for a good few years to come. That's fine. I don't work for someone else and can take advantage when it's a bit quieter. I will admit having only had 10 days off this year though is hard, especially when I work 58 hours each week over a 6 days, sometimes there are Sundays thrown in too but I do what I do because it's what the business needs and one day it will make enough money for me to earn a decent wage and take on some staff to help out - one day. Until then though I have to keep it at. Aside from my current medical ailments I am fighting fit and working long hours is not an issue in a physical sense - not really in a mental one either if I'm in the right frame of mind. In answer to whether I am still suffering with the lumps and bumps, yes, I am. They don't seem quite so bad this morning but it's definitely my lymph nodes that are swollen and full of hundreds of little cyst like bumps. That's what has made me realise I am being poisoned by toxic people. Those glands only swell if your body has cancer (I've ruled that out) you are fighting an infection - I don't feel as though I am although have had a cold threatening to take hold over the past 5 weeks (another sign my body is struggling) and I did have chicken pox at the beginning of October so maybe all those things are contributing, but I think the biggest thing is that I have just become "rundown" in the general sense and my body is reacting to that, trying to fight itself to get me back where I should be. That's why I need to "let it go" move away from those spreading their toxins. Maybe I need to learn how to meditate! If the brain and mind are good then the body should follow suit, shouldn't it? I'm going to eat some garlic cloves and add some turmeric to a drink several times a day though, just in case. Both are meant to be good natural healers for helping fight infection; they may well help the glands go down (or at least reduce the lumps in them :) ) They do feel much better today but anything that might help can never be a bad thing :) I've kind of let go of one issue, although not if I really think about it. I guess the whole Roger/Nicky scenario hurt me a lot more than I tell people (myself included) that it did. Of course I was being stupid to believe it wasn't hurting. 2 people I've spent my life defending shit on me from a great height - why would I really think that wasn't hurting? Why would I lie to people telling them I was ok with it? Have moved on from it? Until just now I didn't realise how much it still affected me, how hurt I was by such a betrayal from people I trusted. Yes, I always knew Roger was a lying 2 faced cnut, but I'd seen another side to him also, a vulnerable side, so I allowed him to remain in my life. I defended him when others rounded on him so for him to behave towards me in such a way was never going to "not hurt". I was a fool to believe it wouldn't. As for Nicky. I considered her to be the best friend I've ever known. She knew every single thing about me, about my life. There was nothing I didn't tell her over the years. She knows each and every single one of my deepest darkest secrets. For her to think so badly of me, well, that really hurt. I won't ever lie about that. In fact that hurt more than any other hurt I've experienced. To think she believed the lies she was being told about me is actually quite soul destroying. I would never have done anything to hurt her. She tarred me with her brush while knowing that I would never do such a thing. I can only assume she did it to make her feel better about herself and her own actions. It just goes to show how you really can't trust anyone. In a way it's like a whole grieving process except the people are still alive. I'm sure once the 4 years are up (that seems to be the norm for me when it comes to grieving loss) I'll finally move on, although I am hoping by the time I get to the end of this entry I'll have started the process in my own tiny pea-brain and will in fact be over it a lot sooner. I think part of it is that I have also finally started to grieve for Donna. Having been through so much in the years since she died, her not being there has been so very hard. She's the one person I would have gone to, spoken to about it all. She would have made me put things into perspective, dealt with it sooner. A few weeks back I picked my phone up to ring her, needed desperately to talk to her about something, and she wasn't there. To think people have taken advantage of me, shit on me, treated me so bad knowing I had lost my best friend makes me hate them even more and I shouldn't have hate inside of me, because that can eat you up, destroy you. I need to let it go. I need to let her go, I need to let Roger and Nicky go. I need to let Annette go too (I'll get onto her in a mo). How I let go I don't know but I do know if I don't then that hatred and anger will manifest itself into something more serious and then there will be no going back. It's so easy to sit there and say to someone else "let it go, move on". The reality of that is so much harder, especially when it's been caused by people you've been so close to. Then there's Annette - I think she's been the catalyst to this. She is the straw which finally broke the camels back. Where do I start on how badly she's hurt me (although I'm more angry and pissed off than hurt). I guess it goes back to Longleat, although had probably been going on longer than that, it's just I finally saw more of what was going on - ooh no, it goes back furhter as I'd been to see Take That in the May with number 1 and leading up to that all Annette kept saying was "I'm glad number 1 is going with you, but I hope she does pull out as I'd love to come wiht you". I think she believed if number 1 was unable to come I was going to give her the spare ticket for nothing. I remember at the time thinking I'd rather give it away to someone else than let her have it for free. Now what kind of person would think such a thing? One who felt as though she was the one who always ended up paying for things - I think you'll find if you bother to read on why I feel such a way too.

Thursday, 3 November 2016

When faced with one's own mortality

Many times over the years I've had time to pause and think about life - occasionally love and the universe figure too!  I've considered my own mortality often (as I guess we all do to a point) but it wasn't until this week that I realised one day I really won't be here any more; one day it will all be over. I'm hoping it's not going to happen for many, many, many years (I have set myself the goal of reaching 96 and I believe that's more than doable) yet it's not stopped me from thinking about how I would feel if it all ended tomorrow? 

Pissed off, I'd definitely be pissed off if it was to end tomorrow for there are still many things I want to do with my life - obviously going back to the States on a re-visit to the places I saw a few back is top of my bucket list (visiting the remaining ones I've not been to a close second, as well as visiting family over there).  I don't want to sit on my cloud and think about how I desperately only ever really wanted to visit the states. To not be able to do so would make me most unhappy.

I also don't want to sit on that cloud and say to myself (look away now if you are family!!!! look AWAY)... "shit, was that waste of space really the last person I was intimate with?". Dear Life, please don't make it so. I've been a good girl (most of the time). I deserve so much better than that. 

After my Dad died I realised people don't live forever, that even the strongest people are not immortal and so I made a point to live each day, make each moment count and always tell people how I feel about them (whether that be good or bad). I told myself I'd never let anyone use or abuse me, would never let anyone put me down or make me feel bad about myself. On those things, I failed - BIG TIME - although I do tend to tell the people I love that I love them (kind of). It was so easy to fall back into the person I'd always been though, to let those people use and abuse. To tell myself I had plenty of time, or that people knew how I felt about them, how they'd made me feel (whether good or bad). Life pootled on and I went with the flow. 

Then Louis died. That one knocked me for 6. He'd never make 30. One evening he was on the phone to me, the next morning I was getting a call to say he was no more. There one minute, gone the very next. Again it made me think about life, how we never know when that angel of death may come calling for us. Again I promised myself to make sure I lived my life - all of the above things I'd told myself after my Dad. 

Yet again, I fell easily back into the life I'd had before, going with the flow wiht one slight difference. I began to tell those good people in my life how I feel about them - often. Poor Jase, I'll never forget how he reacted when I told him I loved him, and I really do. Not in a "love" him sense, but I love that man to bits. He drives me crazy, is a total pain in the arse, makes me want to slap him about the head (really hard) often but I wouldn't be without him in my life. He's been there for me this year like no other has been. I only wish I could do more for him right now, take away some of the hurt and pain he's going through. He's hurting so bad and there is not a thing I can say or do to make it any better. No amount of words, hugs or love is going to bring his Mum back. I guess all I can do is be there for him as he goes through this tough phase - he knows I'll always be there, and I really will. 

Then Donna. If my Dad and Lou had shaken me up, Donna dying just about destroyed me. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me. At any time. Now, in my defense since she passed I have made more of an effort to get out and enjoy life (sadly being poor does restrict a lot of activities I'd love to be doing). I do try to seize every chance at a day/evening out, spending time with people I love, doing things that I enjoy. Even so, it wasn't until I found that lump in my boobie on Sunday that I really faced up to my own mortality - I now have 9 in that one boob so am thinking that's it's definitely something odd but I don't think it's as life destroying as I thought on Monday. In fact I think it's most likely to be connected to the menopause crap now. That doesn't mean if they are all still there by the end of the 4 weeks the doctor told me to give I won't be getting it checked out again. I'm sure cancerous lumps don't just appear over-night as the lumps I have seem to be doing so but I'm not a medical expert and have no clue on how/where or why they are appearing  - I just keep telling myself to trust my doctor's judgement and hope that it's something minor and annoying and not sinister or life threatening.

Anyway, back to the whole mortality part. All week I've been thinking about someone (yes, a man). I've not seen him in 20 years but thinking about him this week I realised there are things I never said to him back in the day. Things that are of no consequence in the grand scheme of things but they are things I wanted him to know. He needed to know how his actions affected me - still affect me. Telling him won't make an ounce of difference to either of our lives except that I will have finally got it off my chest. I doubt in all that time he's even given me a second thought and that's fine. Life moved on. We moved on, built new lives (I believe his has fared much better than mine!!! :) ) 

It was thinking about him though that then got me to thinking about other people who have been in my life. People who may have done me a favour that I never really thanked them for. People who have made a difference in my life that probably don't even know how grateful I am to them. These are people who were part of my life growing up, who I then drifted apart from (as you do). I have no doubt whatsoever I don't need to thank them for anything, for the won't have thought about what they did/were doing; it would have just been something they did. We all things for others without thinking that may mean nothing to us, but can mean so much to them. I know just yesterday Jase thanked me for being there for him this week. He never needed to do such a thing. He's my friend, he's hurting, he's going through the toughest time of his life. I wouldn't not be there for him. That's what friends do, that's why we're friends. To those people who were there for me though it was nothing it was just what they did; to me it was everything. These people need to know. I can't sit on my cloud and think to myself "Sarah, you should have told them". Now, whether I choose to tell them directly, via text, email, facebook, or if I just write a letter that never gets posted, I'm not sure just yet but somehow or another they will know.  By the time I depart this mortal coil everyone (good and bad) will know how their behaviour has affected me. Some of them probably won't like what I have to say. Others' will think I've finally lost the plot, and one can never really be contacted directly. I'll still write him a letter none-the-less. Maybe when I'm 96 and pop my clogs he might still be alive and about to celebrate his 99th birthday. I'll get someone to send it on to him then!!! I'm not telling him to leave his perfect wife and life for me (not my style at all) but I do have things I want to say that should not be said to a man who is married. I have more respect for his wife (who I have never met and know nothing about) to do such thing. He's happily married and while I would never turn him away if he knocked on my door told me he'd left his wife and it was me he wanted all along (oh sooooo many times I have dreamed of that moment ;) ) I would never be cruel enough to send it to him all the time they are together.  Not that I believe he would suddenly come running (again, I've dreamed that also) but because I know how I'd feel if a woman contacted my man saying the things I'd like to say to him.. hahahahahaha. Of course if my thinking it or putting it out there was to send some huge shock-waves through the ether than so-be-it :) Maybe she could run off with another guy?? That would be good. Then I'd tell him.. hahaha. Oh my goodness; I'm a vulture circling, just waiting for the right time to pick off that piece of meat :) :) Not that I think I need to tell him. In all honesty I think he's known for as long as I have. He just never felt the same way. Not gonna stop me though. He'll still get a letter and not necessarily the kind you are all now thinking. He may be my one true love (now I 'm having a 'Shrek' moment) but he was also a complete and utter arsehole at times. I certainly don't have rose-tinted glasses on.

The only people who won't get a letter written are the ones that have been there as a constant in my life. The ones who I tell on a regular basis how much I love them and what they mean to me. Numbers 1, 2 and 3, David, Jason, Chris, my family - they all know.  The old friend though, the one who did more for me than he could have known he was doing - he doesn't know; he deserves to know what a great person he. The 'friend' you know, the one I believed to be a friend who turned out to be nothing more than a using 2 faced lying piece of shit? She needs to know. Whether they get told now or after I reach 96 remains to be seen, but one things for sure. I had a wake-up call on Monday (and let's face it I'm still not 100% it's nothing sinister). I'm going to damn well make sure I actually wake-up. I'm going to smell that coffee, I'm going to make those changes and from this moment on everyone who is kind will know I am grateful to have them in my life; those who are tncu's will also know they are no longer welcome. For the next 50 years it truly is All About Me. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Absolutely terrified

Oh my; what a week. 

There have been a few things occur since my last entry.

On Wednesday last week I noticed I had a lump appear on my stomach. By the time I went to bed that night I had 2. I thought them a bit odd, but told myself they were too high and close to the skin to be attached to any vital organs (a google search reiterated this fact also - most odd for google as it normally suggests someone with something trivial like a cut finger is about to die). Thursday those 2 had grown to 3 - all very odd, yet still nothing that I was concerned about.

Then came Sunday and I found a lump on my left breast. I don't think I've ever felt such a fear in my life, all the while the logical part of my brain was telling me "it's nothing to be worrying about". I made the decision to leave it a week just to see if it went on it's own. Then I made the silly mistake of mentioning it to my Mum, who told my brother, who told me to "get it sorted". They were right of course (not that I'd ever tell them so). 

Monday morning I rang my GP surgery expecting to be told to ring back the next day, where a game of cat and mouse would begin between us until I reached the point of exasperation. When I was able to get thought right away and then get an appointment for later on that day, the paranoid version of myself screamed "oh my god, you have cancer, you're going to die" while the logical part said "wow, how lucky to get through so easily". 

I'm still (48 hours later) still trying to decide if she thought I was wasting her time or not, but she checked out the lump on my breast, and one of the ones on my stomach telling me she thought it was nothing to worry about, they were small enough that if there did turn out to be a problem it would be caught in time, and asking if I had any more. At that point I answered "no" because I didn't. I walked away with her telling me to give it a month, keep an eye on it and if it's got bigger, changed shape, or I get any more symptoms to ring her and she'll get me an appointment at the breast clinic to get it checked.  Ok, so far so good. Then came last night, when I found another lump in the same left breast and what feels like it could be one under my arm (not sure on that and it could have just been me being paranoid). This morning there is definitely another lump in the breast though but one of the ones on my stomach appears to have gone down. It's all most odd and whereas Sunday I was thinking the unthinkable, today I am more intrigued than scared as I am wondering if the lumps are all in some way connected? It is weird how they all appeared within a week of each other, are all about the same size and although they don't hurt, once I've had a prod they tend to sting/throb for a while. I'm almost certain that if they were sinister they wouldn't just appear overnight, but I am no medical expert so will do as I was told, wait out the month and then see where I stand.

One thing this has taught me (well, reminded me) is that life really is way too short. What if the lump had been cancerous? How long could I have expected to still be here? 1 year? 5 years? It's made me more determined than ever to now get this fundraising sorted. I don't want to wait for something sinister to happen to me, therefore garnering help because people feel sorry for me. I want to do it while I am still in my prime - the sooner, the better. 

The other thing to happen was the Mum of the friend I want to take away with me lost her own battle with cancer on Saturday morning - she was just 65 and still had many things she wanted to do with her life. I don't want to be her at that age, wishing I'd done more. That's why I will keep up with the crowd funding page I've set up and will promote as hard as I can and will hold on to hope that someone out there will kick-start it all off for me.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

That's an hour of my life

I'll never get back. 

Last week I saw that Take That are touring again next year; as you all probably know since they first formed I have seen them every single time they've toured, with the exception of a few years ago when they took Robbie Williams back (I refused to go on principal and felt they were selling themselves out taking him back). I've never had a single problem in getting tickets (normally really good seats) so imagine how excited I was to see that if I pre-ordered their new album through a website (I refuse to name and promote them) I could get priority tickets today - they go on general sale on Friday. "Marvelous" thought I. Great seats are on their way. 

Logging on I was really chuffed to find dot on 9.30am (the time they went on sale) I got straight through to the arena I wanted only to find the seating chart wasn't loading which meant I wasn't able to choose the seats or proceed any further. This went on for 27 minutes until finally it was there, I was and it was all systems go. I was able to choose the block I wanted the seats in, able to chuck 4 tickets in the basket (only want 3 as I don't have a friend to take any more but thought I might be able to find someone - the other 2 are for 2 other friends who are going with me), things were looking great as I proceeded through to the checkout. Once there I clicked on the "Buy tickets" button and that's when it all went wrong. A window appeared saying they were experiencing high volumes and the tickets I wanted were either unavailable or already taken. At that point I was then sent back to the main page where I had to refresh several more times (as earlier) to get the seating plan to appear. It showed up, the block I wanted was still available so off I trundled again, only to find once I click "buy" it did exactly the same as before.

Feeling a bit frustrated I started again; same block, same amount. Whizz bang whoosh, off we went to checkout. Next time I got booted back to the main screen the block I wanted was gone, so I had to look through, find another I thought would be good and start again. 17 times I tried for that block, each time being booted back to the beginning when I got to checkout. By now I was beginning to get quite angry. A quick twitter search showed that it was happening to people all over. After the 17th time as with before, that block then disappeared, and suddenly only dearer tickets were showing up. At that point I took it down to just the 3 tickets we needed as I didn't want to get stuck with an expensive one I couldn't get anyone interested in. 19 times this time I got to the checkout with the same block; still NOT a single ticket purchased. In all I went through the process 117 times, covering several blocks. 20 times I tried with one block that showed just 3 tickets remaining - EVERY SINGLE TIME for those 20 times it showed just 3 tickets remaining. Did I get them? Did I feck. Angry doesn't even begin to cover the rage that was burning through my body. I was livid that a so-called big 'professional' company could fkcu up in such a way. Finally just 3 tickets remained at the venue I wanted; they were VIP ones at almost £300 per ticket - way out of my price range so I had to admit defeat and give up - along with thousands of other people. Talk about a shambles. I thought Ticket Master were shit when it came to ordering tickets but they are effortlessly smooth compared to the shower of shit in charge of today's. I even closed the shop for an hour so I would have time to get the tickets booked and paid for without losing out if a customer was to come in. I needn't have bothered.

I have already cancelled the album I pre-ordered. It's not released until March next year and when it does come out I shall order it elsewhere. They can shove it up their.......... 

I do feel slightly aggrieved at Take That also and feel they sold their fans out today for the sake of a few quid in pre-sale orders. 

On the plus side thought, it's money still in my bank account not spent, and that can never be a bad thing :) 

Monday, 24 October 2016

Marvellous Monday

and a great weekend - well, ish, kind of :)

A passing comment from a random thought that entered my head, saw me spend my whole weekend moving furniture from one room to the other. Before removing said furniture though it all had to be taken apart!! To take it apart we had to remove every single item that was on the furniture (when I say there was a lot of stuff on those units, I mean there was a LOT of stuff on them). Once in their new rooms they had to be re-built (and I thought they were hard to take apart). Everything that came off them then had to be put back on, but before doing so it needed to be sorted. I also had to build 3 new units as well to take the stuff we had. The reason for this move around? To get ourselves a proper working craft room.

Over the years Mum and I have collected a lot of stuff (most of it crap). We kind of fell into crafting thanks to a tv program dedicated to the world of crafts (it covers all sorts). We watched a woman play with rubber stamps and glitter one day and became hooked. Now, I tend to only stick to parchment crafting and cross-stitch. Mum likes to do all sorts (she's an amazing painter who doesn't get her brushes out enough). By the time my brother moved out we had enough bits and pieces to open up our own store :) Instead I moved into his room - the smallest in the house - and my room was turned into a craft room. However, it ended up becoming a dumping ground for everything that we couldn't find a home for, so one day I said if we weren't using it for crafts then I wanted to move back into the room (it's a lot bigger than the one I was in) and so we moved the craft bits in the small room, destined at the time to never be used again. Then 6 months or so ago Mum opened the door and started to make some cards. I then found my parchment bits and since then we've been actively crafting again. The introduction of a cutting machine a few weeks back saw us both trying to squash in a room not really big enough for one of us so we could learn how to use it. Numerous times since then we've squashed ourselves but it was getting to the point where I could see the squashing would become too over-powering, we'd close the door, and leave it all behind again. Then, out walking the dog a week or so ago I said "why don't you move into the craft room and we move all the craft bits into your room". I assumed this comment would be met with strong protestations, was surprised when it wasn't dismissed (it wasn't discussed either). Then it wasn't mentioned again until Thursday of last week when Mum said "I've been thinking... " and she agreed it made sense to do it. By 9pm Thursday evening we had visited Ikea (we went there purely to price up what it would cost us to get some new shelving units) returning home with 2 trolleys worth of bits. There were shelves, draws, storage boxes and some cactus (I know, they don't really help with storage but they were pretty :) ) Not planning on spending anything I was mighty grateful I'd taken my debit card with me - even more grateful to the bank for my overdraft. 

Friday, Mum couldn't do much to start clearing as she had the hospital so I planned on going home after work Saturday and the 2 of us getting it sorted (I'd worked out a routine that wouldn't cause too much chaos or confusion). I should have told Mum my plan for by the time I got home the upstairs of our house looked as though a hurricane had blown through. Now, I'm not complaining for she get it all cleared out, it's just that she didn't think about where she was putting it and there was stuff piled everywhere.  We ended up working our arses off (sadly only a figure of speech for my fat wobbly one is still just as fat and wobbly as it was before). By 6pm Mum said she had to stop for the day - it wasn't a bad thing as we'd done really all we could do for the day. Although it had been her idea to stop she complained all evening about the mess. 

Yesterday saw us both up at the crack of dawn. The dog didn't know what had hit her when she'd been out walked and exercised by 8am. Then it was all systems go. Every hour Mum complained about how we were getting nowhere fast and that we were never going to get it all in the room. Every hour I pointed out just how much we had accomplished and that everything before had fitted in the other room so it was definitely going to fit in the bigger room. By the time my brother turned up at 4pm we were on the home stretch. By the time we closed the door last night there was just one shelving unit to tidy and all the rubbish we were getting rid of to go in the bins. Tonight I have to sort out power for all the electrical items and then we are good to go. Hopefully now we won't spend so much time watching crap tv and will in fact get our creative juices flowing. I already have several projects I want to get started, along with a few I need to finish. 

I can't believe how many muscles I used moving, lifting and shifting - certainly some I didn't even know existed any more. There were also injuries. Thankfully not big ones but I snapped several nails!!!! Mum took a shelf unit to the left boobie (that almost took her breath away) and I actually cried when the backing from one unit decided to flip itself up, smacking me square across the chin splitting both inside and outside. It hurt like a bitch, I can tell you. Thankfully the worst damage was outside - not that I'm really thankful as the inside stings like crazy. I'm just glad the nails that were still in the backing missed me. I dread to think what might have happened had they not been - eek. 

Today though, was mighty marvellous.  I started the day with a letter waiting for me thanking me fore some flowers I did the week before last. Then another customer phoned me to thank me for some I did last week. Clive came in and we had a really good chat about the business and bounced some ideas about between us on where we want to go and what we're going to do in the next year or so. It's all moving in the right direction. I managed to get a priority pass to try and order tickets for Take That next year - I'll be on the phone the second the box office opens on Wednesday morning. Then some little boy this afternoon nabbed me for a chat. He was no more than 4 but was so cute I almost wanted one of my own - almost :)  He really made a great day a marvellous day. I will most definitely not say "no" to more like it :)

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Life, Death and everything in between

I've been doing some thinking recently - never a good thing for my poor little one brain cell - about life, or should I say "death" to be more precise. Not sure why as there are no anniversaries this month of people passing from my life, and as far as I'm aware I don't have any life threatening illness, but it's been there, at the forefront of my mind.

Maybe it's my age although I plan on being on this planet for at least another 50 years so can't understand why I would be thinking about it so much right now. I'm not feeling sad, depressed or any other manner of thing that could suggest my thinking about it. In fact I'm quite the opposite right now.  I believe only good things are happening, going to happen. I thought earlier how unlike me that is until I realised it's not at all. I'd always believed myself to be a pessimist yet how can someone who believes things will always work out how I want them too, be pessimistic? That doesn't make sense (then again, neither do I most of the time :) ) I never go into something thinking "this won't work". I always believe it will not only work but be far better than even I could consider it being. Every time I buy a lotto ticket I convince myself it's because I'm going to win. When I started this blog it was because I thought people would be interested (ooh, does that mean I'm a narcissist rather than an optimist? well now, that's a whole other blog entry!!) I try to always see the best in people even when I know there's not actually anything good about them. I think that's why so many 'friends' (loosely used term these days) have treated me the way they have, because no matter how shitty they may be, I always try to justify that they have some nice parts to them and I can always find a positive from all shitty friendships/relationships whether that be getting to meet someone else from it (I'd never have the kids in my life if Id not met their uncle - he screwed me over big time and is most definitely the epitome of the "C" word, and not in a friendly way yet because of him I have 4 amazing kids in my life now). Even the nasty, vile, piece of shit I fell out with a couple of years ago had his 'nice' moments. During those (which admittedly were very few and far between) he made me laugh and laughter is never a bad thing. So you see, things are not all bad. The fundraising page I set up asking strangers to pay for me to have a holiday is another recent example of my optimism. I truly believe there are people out there who will make a donation. I've been honest and upfront about what I want the money for, they know it wont be used for anything else, and I think there are people out there who will understand the passion I have and want to help me achieve that dream. Just because nobody has come across it yet - the company won't make it live until it has at least £100 donated from other sources - I know that if I keep sharing it someone reading this, or the other blog I have set up dedicated to raising the money will make that first donation. From there it's all going to be plain sailing (although I'll be flying out to the states, not sure I could spend that much time on a boat and it would also mean I get to spend less time exploring if I was to spend 4 days crossing the Atlantic ;) )

With all of this going on in my life right now (I have several other projects on the go also) you'd think death and dying would be the last thing to occupy my thoughts, yet it's there, every day, yelling at me to pay attention.  Last night while chatting to Mum I realised I am now the age she was when Dad had his heart-attack. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have been for her. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I had a 21 and 12 year old at home when I took a call telling my my husband of 26 years was at a hospital in Leicester not expected to make it through the next hour. To me back then she was older, wiser, in control and able to cope. Now at that same age I can imagine how terrified she must have been. How young she must have felt, how alone with so much responsibility placed on her shoulders by myself and my brother, because at that point in our lives we needed our Mum more than I think we ever had. I feel so young for my age how she was mentally able to compartmentalise and get through it all is beyond me. I guess you do what you have to do. I've dealt with stuff that I've not been mentally ready to deal with but just got on with it so I should think that was the same for her, but she was so very young - as was my Dad being only a year older than her. How did he cope at such a young age knowing his life was about to end? Knowing his wife was too young to be a widow, his kids way too young to fatherless! I find the whole thing sad yet fascinating. I think about how I would feel if I knew I had such a little time left - let's face it I haven't go a clue how long I have, I just tell myself I'll be here until I'm 96 but for all I know it could end tomorrow and I guess that's what's got me thinking about it so much. I still have so many things I want to do in my life that I don't want it to end tomorrow. That's why I have no shame in setting up the funding page. I'll be dead a really long time, I want to make sure I can enjoy every day that I am here, on this planet we call earth, living a life rather than just existing with one. I have faith I'll keep going until 96, I strongly believe it, but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I have to have a small amount of doubt or I'd keep putting doing everything until later, and as I have learned in this life, later is never guaranteed so I'm trying to take the bull by the horns and get on living this life right now. All I need to make it perfect (other than the money to pay for things, or course) is to find a few more hours in the day to get it all done - although some of that is down to my own bad time management). 

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

All change

I had a little change with this blog - those of you who visit often will probably have noticed, those of you who are passing by on your first visit (RUN.. quickly.. run away NOW.. save yourselves). The reasoning behind it is because I have started another one elsewhere and the template they gave me for it is quite calming and made me feel all mellow. I came back to this one, saw how stunning the photo was as a background (I took and it's of the cove so it's going to be stunning) but realised just how dark it was. I'm not in a dark place any more, so I figured this should reflect me (or there's not much point) which is why it's not all calm, pretty and mellow - all the things I dream of being one day :) 

My other blog isn't anywhere near as interesting as this one, so you can imagine just how boring it is, but it gives me something to do; stops me playing Candy Crush which can never be a bad thing. I've also not been on facebook since Monday - technically that's not true as I got notification someone had replied to a comment I made the other day so I did read that which is being on there, yet not at the same time for I've not posted any crap on my own and haven't really bothered going through anyone else's either. Everyone seems to have got rather boring. I also don't have a lot of friends anymore which could also account for why there isn't much going on :) 

I found a section earlier when I was fiddling about trying to learn how to write an html code that will allow me to set up "members only" areas for which I could charge people to access - if only I had something of interest that I could offer.. hahaha.. I did think it might work for Jase's site that I set him up for he could allow paying members access to certain photo's but he's never bothered to do a thing with it since I spent a week sorting it (and all the social media bits too) for him. I know he's not done anything too, not just because I check to see if he's posted anything, because I also logged on and changed all the passwords. I wanted to see whether he appreciated all my hard work and was going to utilise the bits I'd done for him to promote his photography. I am aware he has a lot going on his personal at the moment, yet when I set them all up he never had a thing aside from work and as he's still able to go out and about to play I'm sure it wouldn't hurt him to take 10 minutes out to get on top of things - he could actually make some money from it if he just put in a bit of effort. I guess at the end of the day he's like most people. Love the idea of making money, can't be arsed to put in the effort. If only I could get paid for the amount of effort I put in - not just to his, this one and my other one also. I just don't have anything to offer for paid membership - sadly. (I did manage to sort the hmtl code out I was looking for too,  in case you're wondering if I was able to achieve what I set out to do). Maybe I could just set up a forum on here that people have to pay to access? What would it be for though? Also something like that needs permanent admins to keep a check on things and I don't have the time. Dammit; I'd do pretty much anything right now to be earning some extra pennies. Why do I not have a genius idea to make some? When I say pretty much anything, there are of course some things I would not be willing to do. 

On the subject of making money, recently I've seen some pretty random worthless things selling on ebay for astronomically crazy prices, so I'm chancing my arm with me original iPod. If any of you fancy sharing it to see if we can get a mad price bid going on it please feel free to do so. You'll find it listed HERE. It's got plenty of people watching, nobody bidding. Help this middle-aged woman out, let's share it to the world :) 

Is time flying by this week for anyone else, or just me? Not just this week really, in general? I feel as though I get to work, put the front out and before I know what's happening have to bring it back in again. I remember being told when I was young to make the most of it as times flies when you get older. I thought the person telling me such things was crazy, until I got older (you all thought I was going to say 'old'then, didn't you?) I try so hard to make each day count (fail miserably most of the time). I have so many projects on the go right now I keep promising myself I will get finished - they're not getting even close to being so. I have no clue where the time is going to. It scares me a little as it's my life disappearing away. I don't want to become a pile of ash too soon. Hopefully that won't happen for at least another 50 years which means I get to life this current life over again with a few more years as a bonus. Of course it will never be like it was, but that doesn't' mean it can't be better. I am sure as I near the end a lot will be different; that doesn't necessarily mean it will be bad. I've found a new optimism with regards to life recently, I feel really positive about what is still to come for me. Don't get me wrong, I know there is going to be bad, a lot of bad probable, but my goodness there is going to be some amazingly great stuff too. Just you watch this space (damn these happy pills are good!! ) :) 

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Fuzzy hair and fund raising

This menopause lark just continues to give. By give I am being sarcastic, of course, because it's a bloody pain in the arse (back, legs, head and all other parts in between too). Right now though the thinning hair is really pissing me off and is quite possibly the hardest of all symptoms to deal with, for I have fine, limp, lank and shapeless hair on a good day. I've all the lotions you can think of (most of which just make it more greasy and lank looking than usual - it's not a good look). I considered cutting it all off, but my whole life I've wanted long hair, it's taken me 2 year this time to get it to this minimal length and I am not ready to give up on that just yet (plus short fine hair looks like I have less than a longer length). This has left me with just one option, something I would not have considered had I not given all other options a try. Something that belongs back in the 20th century, yet I've bitten the bullet and gone for it. Today, I had a perm :) My hair still looks fine but thicker than  it looked beforehand. I doubt very much I'm going to leave it curly for normal every day events (being seen out in public other words). I shall straighten it. I know that seems a bit double-dutch and daft; have it permed just to straighten it, but the perm has thickened it out more, so therefore when I do straighten it won't look quite as fine and sad looking as it did. Had I not had to have several inches cut from the length (to ensure it wasn't too fuzzy - we failed, it's so fine on the ends it's still fuzzy) I might have considered leaving it curly.. hahaha.. as if... 

Check out the red cheeks.. bloody menopause
Now, the fundraising. I could tell you it's for a great and worthwhile charity that's going to help lots of people, but that would be a lie and if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that it's not worth telling a lie. No, this fundraising is purely for me :) I remember being told many times that if you "don't ask you don't get" so I've set about asking. Completely random strangers will at some point come across me (my fund raising page) and they may be a really kind person with a £5 or $10. I know they could put it to good use, but how many will? How many people last night bought an extra pint even though they'd had enough already. How many ordered extra food knowing they wouldn't eat it? There are over 7 billion people in this world. If less than 0.00002% of them donated just £10 I'd have more than enough to head off back to the states. That's less than a couple of pints in a pub, the extra sides with your pizza delivery you don't really want. I can't tell you how desperately I want to go back there, but I just don't earn enough to pay for myself. Why should someone else pay for me? Because they're kind, because they know I'll appreciate it for the rest of my life. Just think; if 0.0002% (a few ore person than needed - theres a 0 missing) of people gave £10 I could fly first class.. I literally have no shame any more :) 

I know some people reading this will be shocked I've done such a thing (it really is not like me as I am always the one who ends up paying for things). Others will think what a great idea and wish me the best. There will be others who are disgusted at me - several "friends" who already know have voiced their disapproval, but do you know what? I don't give a shit. Anyone that knows me who thinks so lowly of me is not worthy of my time and are obviously not a friend to begin with. Strangers who think bad of me mean nothing to begin with so certainly won't affect me going about my daily life. What makes me laugh is one person who has voiced disapproval not so long ago donated £300 to a film maker to produce an independent movie. They thought nothing of giving their money away to someone they didn't know, knowing the person would reap the rewards and monetary benefit that could come from endorsements for the film, yet they think I am out of order wanting a few quid to go on a trip for which I will have amazing memories, wonderful photo's but will make no future money from. 

This time, I will raise the funds one way or another (not sure selling my body is such a good thing though unless I sell it by the pound as I am unable to give it away these days; I am going to have a clear out of things under my bed, sell them and add the funds to the pot. I know there's a car stereo under there worth a couple of hundred, plus stuff in the loft; its sat there doing nothing when it could be making money on eBay for me) I won't be going alone. I want to be able to spend time at the places I visit, experience them, learn what I can from them, rather than sitting on a coach for 9/10 hours a day looking out of a window, passing by places I wish I could stop at but can't as the route isn't down to me. I have places picked out that I can spend time at, learn about, enjoy, experience. Sadly my friend pool is extremely limited these days (between weedling out the nasty ones and others dying it's dwindled somewhat) so I can only really travel with Jase (he's the only person who would be willing to come with me so really he is my friend pool), but he'll never be able to come up with his own funds, so it's not just me I need to raise the money for. I need to be able to pay his share too. Number 2 last week expressed an interest also though in all honesty if I can raise the funds, she's available to and Jase hasn't raised anything himself then I may well have to drop him, taking her with me instead. That means I'll have to do the driving but it's only fair if he's not made any effort - currently he's leaving everything to me and after spending hours setting him up with social media outlets to display his photo's that he could sell and not using a single one then I'm not really sure I should be doing anything to help him have a holiday, although as said he's the only person I have that I can ask, who would be willing to spend 3 weeks with me.. I have managed to save £350 myself in the past year so I'm not expecting others to pay it all for me. 

I reckon if the people who still owe me money decided to finally be decent and pay me back I'd be halfway there. The one's who said "I don't have it right now, can I pay you when I get paid the end of the month?". The other's who let you pay the deposit on a trip to then decide they can't go - yet fail to pay back their share which is lost to the travel agent (their small print is awful). The one's who promise to pay you back by a date, yet you never see a penny. Those who you're out with that suddenly don't have any money on them so you end up paying. The journeys you've done where you've paid the fuel, entrance fee and bought the lunches because the "friend" had an emergency bill to pay. The people who've been desperately in need for the deposit on their new home but don't have enough to get it to the estate agent in time so they ask to borrow - never pay it back. The one person whose kids needed new shoes so when they get a puncture or break down they come to me for help, get it, NEVER pay it back. If all of those people did the decent thing what a great start to my fund raising it would be :) Mind you I'd rather anyone who donates does so anonymously (I don't need to feel indebted if it's a friend who's helped me) so I'd not know if it was those people paying me back or not; I'd like to think maybe it is though - I still like to try and see the good in everyone, even those I know really don't have a nice bone in their body. 

For it to go live on the fundraising site I have to raise £100 through the site itself.. once there it's really down to the kindness of strangers.. I'm hoping before then some other people come across this, think I'm worth a small amount of their pennies and help me get on the way :) 

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Family, Friends and a spiritual home

Don't worry, I'm not going all peaced out and loving on you with mention of my spiritual home - ok, well maybe I am; just a little bit :) 

Months ago the Ugly ones (not that any of them are really ugly) let us all know they were coming back to this side of the pond and would be playing just down the road from home. Straight away I got in contact with the nutty one to let her know and to see what she wanted to do about going. She's not been well this year and has hardly been out (well, with me that is, turns out that she has in fact moved on to another set of friends and is going out and about - she just chose to tell me she's not up for it, or in fact forget to ask me). Anyhow, that's another story. I commandeered us both a ticket each and said if she didn't think she would be up for it to let me know and I'd ask my number 2, to see if she fancied tagging along (at 17 I figured she might fancy doing something a bit different). As I said the Nutty one and I haven't seen each other much. I've offered to get takeaways and go spend an evening with her, asked if she wanted to go to the beach for some fresh air, told her to let me know when she's feeling up for a day/night out, and heard nothing - hence why I was so upset (nay, pissed off) when she was a lulworth castle the other week and came out with some crap about thinking I was busy - it would still have been nice for her to ask if I was going. I let it slide though as I kind of knew she was going to do it to me, so it didn't really surprise me that much to see her there. She tried to tell me stuff over whatsapp the next day about how she got crossed wires and stuff, but I didn't bother to read it. At that point she proved herself to not be the person I thought she was, to not be the friend I had believed her to be and I planned on doing the whole ugly kid experience with her then moving on. When she never replied to any of my messages regarding the ugly night (sent via text and messenger - I'd deleted WhatsApp as she was the only person who ever sent me messages using it) I decided she was obviously not well enough to go so asked my number 2, who was well up for it. I can't even tell you how disappointed I was to arrive at the gig on Sunday night to meet up with a mutual friend who had a bit of a go at me for being so mean and nasty to the nutty one and told me I needed to go inside and apologise to her for being so - she had arrived with one of her other friends after all (not the friend who messaged me a few months back to also accuse me of being a bad friend) apparently her Mum and sister sorted her out with a VIP pass; it would have been nice for her to tell me beforehand for had I not bit the bullet and invited my number 2 at the last minute I would have ended up going it alone - a bit mean and naughty also when she knew I had her sorted). Had I been a different kind of person I would have kicked off, but I know it's what she does to people. Keep them close all the time they have a use then move on. Still, it wasn't all bad. I had some good days/nights out with her where laughter was had and new contacts were made. Had it not been for hanging out with her I would not have the ugly ones in my life and wouldn't have experienced some pretty great evenings thanks to them. This is why it wasn't worth me kicking off, why I won't kick off at her, but why I will just walk away and leave her to it. I know whenever they are in town she will be there, and I will always be polite and will be genuinely interested in her health and how she's doing (it's just how I was bought up) but she's killed any hope of us being the good friends I always believed us to be. You do not treat friends the way she has been with me this year.

Right, enough of all that. I wasn't even planning on sharing any of that. I guess it's upset me more than I thought it had.  So, back to Sunday. I picked the number 2 up at just after 10 and in the week had given her free reign of where we could go for the day. She chose Weymouth (a girl after my own heart that one). Driving along the seafront when we got there it was really busy and there wasn't a parking space to be seen. I told her not to worry, I was always able to find a space in this one spot by the fair (well, I think it's called a fair area because it has a couple of kiddy rides). There were many cars in front of us slowing down on the way looking at what could have been parking spaces so I thought if there was a space further down it would have been gone and was already planning on going into town when there it was; on the bend, outside the fair, the space I always seem to be able to park in. It's never failed me yet :) 

We got out the car and made the skyline viewing thingy they have our first port of call. I've been there twice in the last year promising myself I would go up it but never having the time before. It's only open from 11 - 3 (which seems crazy to me but I'm sure they've worked out when they take their money and when they don't). As we got to it there was just 1 person in it, so it looked good for us to have the same thing. Sadly that was not to be and we ended up surrounded by people with kids (one of whom didn't stop screaming the whole time, although I did feel sorry for him as I think he was genuinely terrified). On such a beautiful day we were afforded a glorious vista to see for miles from it, so it was worth putting up with the kids - although they could have cleaned the windows a bit, as it did ruin most of the photo's we took having to do so through grubby windows.

After leaving there we headed into town so I could purchase a jumper or something as it was bloody freezing - by the time I had purchased a warming garment it had heated up and said garment is still in the bag the shop worker put it in when I purchased it. I shall take it out and wear it at some date in the future, I am sure of that. From there we headed to the seafront cafe for a spot of brunch. It's really not the best food to be had, but the queue for the chippy was about 30 deep and we didn't really have the time to waste. 

We mooched around Weymouth for a bit, but before heading back we got ourselves a ride on the merry-go-round. I have not been on one of those since my number 1 was a kid. I think number 2 thought I was going to back out (she really didn't want to go on it) but I bought us a token each and we hopped on that spinney up-and-downy thing. I asked the guy working it beforehand if they had a weight limit - he just stared at me blankly.. hahahaha. I didn't realise quite how fast they go; that thing whizzed round like crazy, Number 2 started to video me but ended up just taking shots of the floor where she couldn't stop laughing. For someone who was so adamant she didn't want to ride on it, she sure did a good job of enjoying herself. :) We also grabbed ourselves some candy floss that we chomped on while sitting on the sand (it's ok. I made allowances for the food that day and still managed to lose 2lb).

Leaving Weymouth behind we headed to the hill up at Bowleaze Cove as it's a good spot to take photo's of where we had just been (it would appear number 2 is a budding photographer so she would be excellent to take road-tripping with me when I go to the US. Ooh, in case you didn't know I have set up a crowdfunding page to help raise funds for the road trip - I know, I really do have no shame left any more :) :) ) You can find it here if you want to share a pound or 10 - please do as they won't let it go live on their site until I've raised $100 via them :) When we got to the hill there parking was non-existent. I mentioned to number 2 that again I never normally have a problem and have always been able to park right by the cafe every single time but it looked as though it wasn't to be. I drove down to the bottom and on the way back up - about halfway - saw a spot so pulled in. When we got to the top, right outside the cafe was not one, but 3 parking spaces. I should have believed and had more faith. They'd never failed me there before, they didn't fail me on Sunday either. My own lack of faith saw up waling up the hill - not that that is a bad thing. The exercise helped burn off the slice of cake we ate with our cuppa while there. When I say slice, I mean chunk. By chunk I mean a whole cake - at least it was big enough to be a normal sized whole cake. I couldn't  eat it all. Mind you, a coffee cake that had overtones of lemon was a bit odd, and number 2's chocolate cake definitely tasted as though it had been made with raisins - most odd. On the way back to the car I saw a sign for a roman temple. In all the many, many, many, thousands of visits, I've made over my lifetime, I had never seen the sign before. We headed up to have a look. I'll admit to be slightly disappointed. I didn't know what to expect but a flat square of stones with a bit of cement (that really could have been made by bodget builders a fortnight ago) were all there was awaiting us. Not somewhere I'll be in a rush to go back to. 

Then we made our way to Lulworth Cove, via Durdle Door. I always feel as though I am going home when I head there. It really is the place I feel most like me. Driving onto the campsite I wanted so badly to be visiting my grandparents and staying in their caravan for a month, but those days ended years ago, so I carried on to the public carpark. Number 2 and I took ourselves on a stroll up to the top of Pimple Hill - I had a play with the 360 google app thing I've got while there.. click this link, take a look and tell me what you think :) Some of the cows grazing on the stroll up there got a bit close and stompy a couple of times. On the way back they'd eaten so were much happier :)  The view from the top is just stunning (as you'll know if you've checked the 360 link). It really helped being such a glorious day. The only thing I didn't like that I could see was the huge crane in the grounds of the house I really wanted to win the lottery to buy. Turns out the people who bought it have flattened it and judging by the amount of steel and concrete I could see they are going to build some modern looking thing that will be totally out of character with the area. I'm all for modernisation but not at the expense of the aesthetics of somewhere. The outside was proper characterful and blended in with the area and surrounding places perfectly. Just goes to show what you can do with money. Once back down the hill we took a stroll through the holiday park. It's not really changed that much since I was a kid. They do now have running water in the vans so no need to run round to the loo's at night, in the dark, cold and rain :) They've added a lot more vans too so taken away some of the grassy and rustic area's but like everything it's about money and if taking away bits gets another £7k per year then they're going to do it.  I do think the touring vans and electric hookup tent pitches are genuinely more private now though than the static vans and that's not necessarily a good thing. It wouldn't stop me having one down there though if I had the money to pay for one, although I'd have wanted the same spot my grandparents had (which was empty for years) but now has a van on it :( I walked number 2 round the whole site taking a little stroll down memory lane which was lovely for me. I'm sure she was bored to tears by it all but if she was she never let on.

Our next stop was the cove itself - now, I am all for paying parking charges if it means I get to park and am near where I want to be, but at £2 per hour, with a minimum of 2 hours, I did think it takes the piss a bit. We weren't going to be there that long as time was already running away with us and we had to get to Southampton on time for the gig. Still, they have you by the short and curlies, so we paid our dues (begrudgingly) and head up to Stair Hole as our first port of call, where my retained knowledge from geography at school was put to use and number 2 had her very own geology lesson from me :) Instagram oddly helps too as I follow a couple of geologists on there - the things you can learn in random places these days :) Of all the places we visited the beach down at the cove was by far the busiest so we stood just back and never actually headed onto the shoreline itself, but number 2 got a good view of it all, and I am sure we will go back at some point too. 

By the time we left if was almost 6pm and part of me was considering not going to the gig at all (I know, can you believe I would have even thought such a thing?). We managed to get there just as they opened the doors to let the minions in so never got to hangout with anyone beforehand - except a guy we met in Bournemouth last year who came and gave me hugs and hellos (bless him he also stood behind me inside so stopped anyone from pushing into me - he should really have stood by my number 2 :) ). Somehow we managed to get front row, center stage (only ever not been front row once and that was because we chose to sit on the sides, not because we couldn't get there to begin with. They were great (as always) although not as good as I have seen them. Had it been my first gig I'd have been wowed (like number 2 was) but because I've seen them sooooooo many times now I have others to compare them too and Sunday is low down on the rankings - still amazing though. The only downside was the guy next to number 2 who got in an altercation with 3 women behind who had done everything they could to push him and number 2 out the way so they could get to the front. Somehow punches got thrown and this guy smacked number 2 in the face. I'd not realised as I grabbed her and pulled her to me that he'd already got her so when I saw she was crying I laughed telling her not to be so daft, these things happen (I thought I'd got her out of harms way). When I found out what he'd done I wanted to smack him myself but security had removed him. It kind of turned out to be a good thing though as she then got a hug from Whit and my favourite song dedicated to her, and after the gig we caught up with Tim (not seen him since last year) and she also got to meet Cordell, Zac and Klaus (hugs and photo's came from T, Z and K) so she was a happy bunny. I think had she not been smacked she possibly wouldn't have got the attention. I've promised her next time (she wants to see them again; I believe she is a convert) that we'll get there early enough for her to spend some time with them before the gig.

I finally fell into bed at nearly 2am Monday morning (to be woken at 5) so was a little bit tired and not with it yesterday but it was most definitely worth it :) 

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Well, that's something I never thought I would do :)

Today, I did something I never thought I would ever do. I set myself up a Go Fund Me account and I'll be honest, I'm genuinely not ashamed to have done such a thing. I've seen people over the years set these things up to raise funds for all kinds of things (a new car, a playstation and one hundred games, a conservatory, paving for a driveway, to finance a competition) and never once thought about diong one for myself. As someone who wasn't allowed to Carol Sing at christmas, or Trick or Treat at Halloween (this was seen as a sign of begging and our family DO NOT beg anyone) I always thought that by setting up funding pages for things other than sending someone with a life-threatening illness away to be cured, was a bad thing. Then I sat back, thought about how badly I really do want to go back to the states before my time on this planet has ended, how unless I win the lottery the chances of me being able to save to do so are pretty slim (as I woudn't feel safe to go alone and whoever I could talk into coming with me I would have to pay for as well - whose going to pay for a trip that's not really what they want to do?) and it struck me that there are peopel in this world (like me) willing to help out someone else, so why not see if any of them are willing to help me. There's only so much stubborness within me, at some point it had to give. Don't get me wrong I am still doing to save as hard as I can and have been sorting through bits and pieces I have that I might be able to sell so I can add to the savings fund myself (I think the total I could raise if I sold everything I actually own would be about about £200 but it all helps - if I thought I could sell my body I would even consider that right now, but I think unless I cut myself up and sold myself by the pound, the chances of selling me are even slimmer than they are that some random strangers are going to fund my trip - that last bit by the way is a lie really as I would NEVER sell myself to anyone for anything; I may have no shame but I do have some standards and I don't want no nasty diseases or itchy bits either :) ). 

I think part of the reason for finally swallowing my pride is that just recently I have realised my own mortality and it's hit me that we really are not here for long and need to make as much of our time here as we possibly can. I keep seeing all these meme's about how life is for living and that we need to make "each day count" but these are shared by people who have the funds to live the life they want, people who don't have to worry about where the money is giong to come from to ensure the electric bill is paid. These are people who earn more in a week (sometimes day) than I earn in a month and while I am no stupid enough to think that just because they earn so much doesn't mean they can afford to do all they want - let's face it we all live on the edge and push our limits to what we can/can't afford - these are also people who have husbands/wives/boyfriends and girlfriends. People who don't have to live with their elderly Mum because tehy are too poor to live alone. People who have someone else that can save with them so they can once a year or so go out and live their lives, live their dreams. I don't have that. I don't have an other half of me that can help me raise the funds, work overtime to put aside some for holidays and days out. It's just me and I tried to better myself by starting up a business in the hope that would make enough money to hire people - helping them make money - and afford me a great wage. Don't get me wrong it's doing ok, but I'm earning less than I was at 16 and am still not at the stage where I can afford other's. Some peopel see this as a failure but to me the fact it's paying it's bills in these economically hard times for small businesses is a result of the hard work and long hours I have put into it. I've sacrificed my life to make this work and it is working; that can never be a failure. Besides what other job could I do? For every job out there, there are 300 people waiting for it and the only skill I have is floristry so I could only ever do retail work which pays peanuts. I consider myself a very lucky person to do a job I adore and to do it for myself, but even lucky people need help now and again which is why I set the funding page up :) 

Just for the record, the company won't put my page on their website lists until it has raised a minimum of £200 so if any of you reading this are feeling generous the link to donate is HERE :)

My ideal dream would be to head out there in September/October 2018 - that's how long it would take me to save my share if I don't go anywhere or do anything for the next 24 months and if I am able to sell all the bits I own but if an anonymous someone will too much money is reading this right now wants to donate £10k (this would stop me sitting in cattle class on the flights) then feel free to hit the link here and donate away. It will all be greatfully received and I could head off in April 2017 instead (if there's enough left after I've paid the taxman his cut - yep, any money raised had to be declared and taxed on :(    

What if I don't raise enough? Not an option; I believe I will raise exactly what I need - I still believe there are good people in this world :)