I've been doing some thinking recently - never a good thing for my poor little one brain cell - about life, or should I say "death" to be more precise. Not sure why as there are no anniversaries this month of people passing from my life, and as far as I'm aware I don't have any life threatening illness, but it's been there, at hthe forefront of my mind.
Maybe it's my age although I plan on being on this planet for at least another 50 years so can't understand why I would be thinking about it so much right now. I'm not feeling sad, depressed or any other manner of thing that could suggest my thinking about it. In fact I'm quite the opposite right now. I believe only good things are happening, going to happen. I thought earlier how unlike me that is until I realised it's not at all. I'd always believed myself to be a pessimist yet how can someone who believes things will always work out how I want them too, be pessimistic? That doesn't make sense (then again, neither do I most of the time :) ) I never go into something thinking "this won't work". I always believe it will not only work but be far better than even I could consider it being. Every time I buy a lotto ticket I convince myself it's because I'm going to win. When I started this blog it was because I thought people would be interested (ooh, does that mean I'm a narcissist rather than an optimist? well now, that's a whole other blog entry!!) I try to always see the best in people even when I know there's not actually anything good about them. I think that's why so many 'friends' (loosely used term these days) have treated me the way they have, because no matter how shitty they may be, I always try to justify that they have some nice parts to them and I can always find a positive from all shitty friendships/relationships whether that be getting to meet someone else from it (I'd never have the kids in my life if Id not met their uncle - he screwed me over big time and is most definitely the epitome of the "C" word, and not in a friendly way yet because of him I have 4 amazing kids in my life now). Even the nasty, vile, piece of shit I fell out with a couple of years ago had his 'nice' moments. During those (which admittedly were very few and far between) he made me laugh and laughter is never a bad thing. So you see, things are not all bad. The fundraising page I set up asking strangers to pay for me to have a holiday is another recent example of my optimism. I truly believe there are people out there who will make a donation. I've been honest and upfront about what I want the money for, they know it wont be used for anything else, and I think there are people out there who will understand the passion I have and want to help me achieve that dream. Just because nobody has come across it yet - the company won't make it live until it has at least £100 donated from other sources - I know that if I keep sharing it someone reading this, or the other blog I have set up dedicated to raising the money will make that first donation. From there it's all going to be plain sailing (although I'll be flying out to the states, not sure I could spend that much time on a boat and it would also mean I get to spend less time exploring if I was to spend 4 days crossing the Atlantic ;) )
With all of this going on in my life right now (I have several other projects on the go also) you'd think death and dying would be the last thing to occupy my thoughts, yet it's there, every day, yelling at me to pay attention. Last night while chatting to Mum I realised I am now the age she was when Dad had his heart-attack. I can't even begin to imagine how that must have been for her. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I had a 21 and 12 year old at home when I took a call telling my my husband of 26 years was at a hospital in Leicester not expected to make it through the next hour. To me back then she was older, wiser, in control and able to cope. Now at that same age I can imagine how terrified she must have been. How young she must have felt, how alone with so much responsibility placed on her shoulders by myself and my brother, because at that point in our lives we needed our Mum more than I think we ever had. I feel so young for my age how she was mentally able to compartmentalise and get through it all is beyond me. I guess you do what you have to do. I've dealt with stuff that I've not been mentally ready to deal with but just got on with it so I should think that was the same for her, but she was so very young - as was my Dad being only a year older than her. How did he cope at such a young age knowing his life was about to end? Knowing his wife was too young to be a widow, his kids way too young to fatherless! I find the whole thing sad yet fascinating. I think about how I would feel if I knew I had such a little time left - let's face it I haven't go a clue how long I have, I just tell myself I'll be here until I'm 96 but for all I know it could end tomorrow and I guess that's what's got me thinking about it so much. I still have so many things I want to do in my life that I don't want it to end tomorrow. That's why I have no shame in setting up the funding page. I'll be dead a really long time, I want to make sure I can enjoy every day that I am here, on this planet we call earth, living a life rather than just existing with one. I have faith I'll keep going until 96, I strongly believe it, but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I have to have a small amount of doubt or I'd keep putting doing everything until later, and as I have learned in this life, later is never guaranteed so I'm trying to take the bull by the horns and get on living this life right now. All I need to make it perfect (other than the money to pay for things, or course) is to find a few more hours in the day to get it all done - although some of that is down to my own bad time management).