I love a merry-go-round, sang Howard Donald on the Take That song "Here".
Sometimes the merry-go-round is great fun, others not so, but one thing's for sure, what goes up must come down, what's down can only go up. I started the week down, really down, in fact at one point I never thought I was going to get back up again. On Tuesday I felt as though my whole world was crashing down around my ears. Having had a bust up with my little old Mumsy I found myself in the position of looking for somewhere new to live (we're all sorted now, but I do feel I've outstayed my welcome and that the 2 of us probably shouldn't be living with each other). Then a wholesaler let me down - not their wisest move. Even less wise was getting the welsh woman that works for them, who I dislike immensely on a good day, to phone me (3 hours after I'd tried to ring them and left numerous messages about them letting me down). When she uttered the words "well it's not my fault" I saw red; first time in 20 years I've proper lost my temper, had it not been for a customer coming in the shop to place a funeral order I really think I would have driven to where she's based and followed up on my promise of ripping her throat out with my bare hands. I literally descended into the "red mist". I was livid. This though then lead to tears - not because I was sad (at the time) but because I was so bloody angry and it's easier to cry than get arrested for GBH (or murder)). Once the customer had left I'd calmed down a wee bit and this was when the proper tears came, for I picked up my phone to ring Donna. I planned on asking her (telling her, I never had to ask her for anything) that I was going to stay with her for a while (to give Mum and I a break) but of course, there was no answer. She's not there any more. That's when the tears came. That's the first time since she died I've not been able to stop them. My heart broke all over again. I broke and for a while I wasn't sure I was ever going to be mended again. I realised for the first time (proper) that my best friend is truly gone; she's not there, she won't be coming back. I miss her so very much. However, it was also the day I discovered I had chicken pox so that would explain why I was quite so emotional as I was..
The week got better though. Not because of anything in particular (for I am still very emotional and could easily cry, but that's just part of the grieving process that I seem to have finally entered - I know that's what it is, I understand it, and I know it will pass when the time is right) but because I told myself I still have a life, I have everything to live for. If I was feeling miserable the only person to make me smile again was me; nobody can take away how I feel, nobody else can make the pain go away. It's one of those things I have to deal with, on my own.
On my own. Hmmm.. aren't I just? I also realised this week that my 2 closest friends are a short fat guy who is over-opinionated on everything. A pedantic middle-aged guy who is always right - even when he's wrong. A guy who's selfishly considerate (he can be kind on an emotional level but is a selfish twat most of the time). He does give great hugs though and knows when I'm going off on one to just let me get on with it. He doesn't try to make me talk but will listen (for 2 or 3 minutes before interrupting and talking about other stuff) when I need to get it off my chest. The other? A middle aged, pot smoking native american career criminal with anger management issues. They're not Donna replacements (she can never be replaced, and the fat one has been in my life longer than she was, the angry one almost as long) but they are the 2 people I trust more than I trust any others in this world. The little fat man can be trusted because he has a brain like a sieve and forgets most things he's told anyway :) The angry one, just because he's always there for me, regardless. I've been so mean to him at times, taken out my pain, anger and sadness on him, and still he let's me throw more at him. He wasn't in my life for a couple of years (my choice) but I am so glad I got him back. I don't know what I'd do without him sometimes - what I would do without both of them really.
Don't get me wrong; I have a couple of other friends (yes, really just only a couple) but they're not people I share with. I consider them friends, but they're more like family; I don't see them often - the family that you don't really invite round (and vice verse) or spend time with yet you enjoy being with them when you get together and when we do see each other we pick up right where we left off. Hence why I don't share with them (there are some things you don't talk to family about - besides I don't think we're close enough that I would talk about personal stuff with them). They do say that as you get older you realise it's not about how many friends you have, but the quality of the ones you do have that matters. That is so true yet it doesn't mean I don't have room for anyone else, I'll just be a lot more wary about who I let in and trust in future. Especially after recent events with people I considered friends.
The words above don't really make it sound as though I had any up's this week but I did. I see the realisation part of it all as an up, for it means I learned something, and isn't life all about learning? I finally started to grieve (not a nice thing but far better to get it out than keep it bottled up). I lost my temper and while that is never a good thing it reminded me that I can lose it. That I am still alive, very much so. For so long I've sat back, let people walk all over me, backed down, been a pathetic little creature allowing others to treat me bad; this week that changed. I accepted the things I can't control while taking control of the things I can. I'm very much alive and intend to be for a lot longer. There will be more bad days in the coming weeks, of that I am 100% positive, but I also know they won't last. I'll work through them, deal with them and one day the rainbow will shine brightly again. That time is just around the corner. I can feel it, smell it, sense it. Life is about to get interesting.
Another good thing; I finally got a selfie with the dog.. hahaha.. well.. kind of :) I laid on the ground, camera ready. She ran towards me, I snapped off one shot, before she then launched herself at me wanting to smother me with sloppy staffie kisses, before head butting me so hard I ended up with a bruise - no, for those of you ignorants reading this, the head butt wasn't deliberate, she was trying to give me more kisses.