Angry

Jeez am I angry, to the point where I have just ordered myself some herbal calming pills - because, well, in this world trying to get in to see a doctor for help is totally non-existent - and I feel I need to do something or I am going to blow. 

I can honestly say I am exceptionally grateful we have such tight gun laws in this country; had I been living stateside (it's only their gun laws, property taxes and medical system that have stopped me making the move) I would quite possibly be sitting in a cell right now wondering how I could end my life because I would never survive prison.

I am angry at the shithole this country has become; how we're being dragged down holes each-and-every day with nobody doing anything to stop it. I am angry at the wrong people always getting away with things. I am angry that my Dad worked himself into an early grave, that my Mum has worked her ass off her whole life, that I have worked as hard as the two of them and on the very rare occasions they, or I have needed help it wasn't there, yet I look at my business neighbour and his wife driving round in brand new 4x4's, living in a council property that they get the rent paid on because his business isn't making enough (cough, cough - on paper at least) for them to be earning. He put on a bit of a hobble for a few months and got a disabled badge enabling him to park wherever he fancies (and he uses it to his advantage). Like his, my business doesn't make enough for him, mine doesn't make enough for me to life the 'high life'. I earn just £700 per month, each month, yet I get not a pennies' help from anyone. Never have done. I have been homeless (at the time I had been on our councils waiting list for 7 years) and got told there was nothing to be done unless I had kids, or a drink/drug issue. Discriminated against for being barren when it comes to child producing and because I never let my drinking become an issue (only a social thing) and I was too afraid to take drugs. Thirty five years now I've been on the waiting list (I renew every year out of principle) and have been overlooked every-single-time. Then I had to watch new flats being built opposite my shop; watch a girl move in whose parents are multi-millionaires. She had her own annex on their house but didn't like that they were able to see how many men she has coming-and-going, so she got herself pregnant (the parents still have the little one every day) and put her name on the housing list. Within weeks she was given one of the brand new flats! She wants for nothing, drives a brand new merc, all paid for by Mummy and Daddy, yet got housed straight away. And people wonder why I get angry!

I now live with my Mum again for a few reasons. Originally because I couldn't (still can't) afford to live elsewhere and now because she is getting on in years, and suffers from drastic sight loss (caused by a mistake made at our local hospital who couldn't give a shit about patient care) so she can't really be living on her own any more. I love her dearly, she is an incredible woman but because of her now failing eyesight she is struggling to do every-day-things. This means I have taken on more responsibility; not an issue, if I lived alone I would have to do it, but to her it's a big issue and she gets angry she isn't able to do things any more. She gets angry she has to rely on me so often (as nobody else is around that anger is directed at me) and because she is not able to get out-and-about like she once was, because she can no longer tell a weed from a flower (for a woman who would spend hours pottering in her garden to not be able to is a big thing) she is no longer able to keep her mind as stimulated as it once was (a huge car accident when she was a child has probably not helped either) she is also getting quite forgetful, and this causes her to be very repetitive and when I have to listen to the same story for the 10th time that day - if I tell her she's already told me she still keeps telling me, or will then get in a strop - it can get very frustrating and mentally draining for me. I know it's not her fault and hate myself when I sometimes snap at her for it but you try living with an elderly relative who tells you the same things multiple times each day. For those of you who are going to message and tell me how lucky I am to still have my Mum 'Yes, I am fully aware of that and I dread the day she may not be there any longer' but also "Fuck you". I've lost my Dad, I know what it's like to lose a parent. That doesn't make them some kind of demi-god though. She is still a human, but so am I and sometimes it's hard, really hard, and harder because I remember the woman she used to be. I've had people DM me on Twitter because I might have had a rant about her (don't like what I say, click the 'Unfollow Button') and others tell me that she looked after me as a kid, listening to me repeat myself constantly, telling her the same story, showing me multiple times how to do, or use, something. You are correct, she did, however they (and you if you have been thinking that way) are missing two huge fundamental differences. Firstly, I never asked to be born; her and my Dad chose to have me, therefore they chose to do whatever it took to raise me. I never got a say in any of it. Secondly, and this is quite a big one, I may have been shown how to do things once-or-twice but then I learned and carried on without needing to constantly shown. My Mum's memory is going so I could show her a hundred times each day how to do it, and the next day, and the next day and so it goes on, because her memory is only going to get worse. If you think me bad for having a bit of a moan about her because of that then maybe you're the arse, and not me. 

As frustrated I may get with my Mum I get far angrier for her, on her behalf. Of course there is a risk every time you have an operation, you have to sign a form to say you respect that, however, hers WAS avoidable, and I am angry she put her trust in those people (Mr Kirwan especially) and their/his ineptitude has seen her lose the sight, has caused her so much angst, anger and stress. They have taken away from her the life she had. She can no longer go anywhere on her own unless she knows the place. She can no longer do the hobbies she used to do. We as a mother/daughter can no longer go out for days as we used to, rambling through woods, hiking along towpaths, dodging branches; she can no longer see birds to be the avid birdwatcher she was. All of that was taken from her through no fault of her own and I am so angry at the people who have put her in this position, who refuse to take responsibility for it and who are still not doing the job they are paid to do. They've pretty much washed their hands of her as if she is an inconvenience to them. That doesn't just anger me, it enrages me, and I can fully understand how sometimes, some people will go and do horrible things to people that have wronged them or a loved one. They are only still walking/breathing because (as I've said above) I would not cope being in prison. 

I've spent practically my whole life doing things for myself. I never had anyone to do anything for me, and parents who would guide me but never actually do things for me because they wanted me to learn how to do it for myself (for that I am truly grateful) but there are times when help is needed, and would be appreciated. I never asked for it though because of how I was raised, but then things got tough, I was struggling to keep up with some things and had for years had people keep saying to me "You don't have to do it alone" or "Stop being a martyr and ask for help". All these people offering their services should I ever choose to need them and so a few months back I found myself finally doing something completely alien to me and I asked for help. Those I asked all came back with "absolutely, no worries and I am here for you" and yet still I wait. Still I do it all, whilst they come up with multiple reasons they are not able to help or do what they said they would do. Sciatica, drama with their family, they tasked someone else to do it for them and thought it had been done, colds, being called away on an emergency job, feeling a bit off so delaying for another week... then another... then another until it gets to the point where it cannot be delayed any more and I end up having to put it onto my ever-increasing list of things that need to be done. I'm angry about that; not with them, but with myself for finally being weak enough to ask for help and then for expecting those who have been offering to actually get around to helping. What pisses me off most about that though is when they ask for my help they expect it immediately and I go out of my way to make sure it is done for them! I have a mountain of rubbish to get rid of at the shop that my business partner said he would remove between Xmas and New Year. So far I've removed half of it because he's been nowhere to be seen, instead he's having to decorate his daughters room, or walk a neighbours dog and so it will transpire that the other jobs he's meant to be doing in the shop as well, will end up on my list. THEN, I get his Dad coming in giving me shit because I've not made an appointment to go and see someone who could bring a lot more business to my shop. When I pointed out that between working 60 hours each week, sorting the shop bits his son should be doing, organising most of the parts of his job, as well as running the home and looking out for my Mum, time is not always on my side to get out and visit people, he came back to me with "yea, yea, just more excuses". How he doesn't have broken legs right now is beyond me; again, I remind myself I would never survive prison. 

As I sit writing about the shop I've just had a customer in who's not visited since we extended the shop. His first words were "ooh, someone's doing alright for themselves and raking in some money". WHY do people automatically assume that? We're not raking it in, we're not making any money, in fact right now I don't even know if there is enough to pay the bills at the end of the month. The reason we extended was to try to see if we could attract more people into the shop and aside from a lot of sweat (and a few tears) all it has cost is the price for some flooring - that we got on special offer - and three pieces of wood that we made shelves from. The rest is what we already had, just repurposed. 

I'm angry at the lack of customer service you get these days. I pride myself on my customer service, even when it comes to customers I could happily brain. I need a new dentist. In the past 2 weeks I have phoned over a dozen, all of whom have answerphone messages because they "are experiencing a lot more calls then usual and currently extremely busy but do please leave a message, or drop us an email and we'll get back to you shortly". Of the 12 so far not a single one has got back to and I have followed all of them up with more calls, answerphone messages left and emails. A complete lack of service. As I said I need to get some quotes for replacing our kitchen floor - although I think we may just have to shut the door to the room, move the fridge into the hall and pop an air fryer in the lounge until we can purchase the winning lottery ticket and be able to use it again. Until then I'm still waiting for people to get back to me with prices. Don't even get me started on the company I bought a camera from who sold me a second-hand one at the same price as a brand new one, affording me no warranty and to send it back would have been at my personal cost to the USA - I believed I was buying from a UK company. That pissed me off because I worked hard, saved even harder to be able to afford to buy it. I could have bought a second-hand one off ebay for half the price. Good, decent, honest, hard working people always seem to get shit on. 

I'm angry that my Mum and I have spent the past 5 years trying to get the house back to a great condition; years of no money and her having to struggle after my Dad died meant that basic bits were often overlooked. We've had all the kitchen replaced, a new roof on the house and garage, new central heating system and rads. We've the bathroom refitted, all the windows and doors replaced, only to now find we've had a leak under our kitchen sink for what could be years, that has caused puddling under the house, and has caused most of the joists to rot. The insurance won't pay up because it's classed as general wear-and-tear and because we're currently working out way through the house with other bits - we're waiting to have the walls replastered and the old fireplace bricked up - inside it looks as though we haven't bothered to do anything to it. Wear and tear. The roof leaked, we replaced it, understanding that can came under wear-and-tear. The windows rattled and had gaps in; we replaced them (although the company who fitted them were shit and we'd have been better off with our old ones) because that was general upkeep of a property. How many people rip up their flooring each year to check their joists aren't rotting? We had no indication of what was going on under there; we just had one floorboard by our sink that was a bit bouncy and we assumed that was down to it not having as much underlay as the rest of the flooring, thereby making it feel bouncy. To put the new joists in - which we are going to have to do unless we seal up the room and never use it again - they are going to have to rip out our whole kitchen. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. 

I'm angry at the way some family members, and (so called) friends have/are treating my Mum. Do not get me wrong she can be the biggest pain in the ass going, but she's still a human with feelings and a kind human she is too. She'll put herself out to visit family/friends on their birthdays and at Christmas, only for them to shove a card through the door days before her actual birthday, or not even bother with her at all. Don't get me wrong; she's not looking for gifts and never expects people to visit as we know a lot of them don't live the way we live; their houses are clinical and everything has a place. Ours is lived in, we hold our hands up to not always being the tidiest, and because she can no longer see, there are times she thinks she has cleaned well and it may not be to a surgical standard - I don't always have time to run around after her checking when I get in from work. We're fine with that; if people don't like how we live they don't have to come in but would it really hurt them to knock on the door and hand a card over? They could easily say they "can't stop" but just wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday in person. It's basic fucking manners. It's treating someone who has treated you well and respected you with a little bit of respect in return. That shouldn't be too much to ask for. 

I'm angry at those who always expect yet give nothing in return. I'm going away for a weekend with some family members. I asked them to have a look at some properties to see what they fancied and said we need to get booked. They've left it all to me to sort it which means I'll end up paying and have to do everything I can to get my money back, then they'll most likely not like where I've booked and it will cause an issue. If I don't book it that will be wrong though as they will have made the effort to book the time off because we agreed on a date. 

I have a daily battle with a group of Albanians who want my business premise. They harass and try to intimate; they will block my car in, refusing to move when I ask, and if I am unable to park my car where I can see it all day when I finish work I'll find my tyres have been let down. The local council are definitely on their payroll, and it wouldn't surprise me to find the local constabulary are too for they couldn't give a shit, have said unless I have proof it's them doing my tyres, or they physically harm me there is nothing they can do. I have video evidence of two of our finest from the local constabulary who made it look like they were doing everything they should when one of the Albanian properties was raided by immigration but who hightailed it the split second they saw I had a security camera, a camera which picked up all the illegals running away twenty minutes BEFORE the raid took place! To this day I have never been asked for that footage. I'm also angry that conditions imposed on them regarding a block of flats they are building, that we were assured would be adhered to have been flouted each-and-every day and nothing is done about it. This directly affects my business, but what do I, a lone woman in an area full of ruthless men matter? I don't have funds to pay off my local council and police force because I pay all my taxes, unlike them, and if I can find how they are fleecing HMRC then I'm damn sure someone with the correct knowledge would be able to as well, but do they? My previous neighbour who they hounded out - they want all our premises - made a miniscule error (less than £5) on her tax return. She then had all her business and personal financial for the 7 years prior combed through by the powers-that-be, yet the lot hounding us all haven't paid a penny in tax since they took over 6/7 years ago. I guess their being "Cash Only" businesses means they have enough spare to grease the palms of the people who could, to all intents and purposes, crush them, 

Then when I get home I have a neighbour with huge mental health issues; she really (for her own safety) should be in a home getting help but the government closed down all the units and facilities so she is left to her own devices (until she's really bad when they admit her to the general hospital for a few days!). She has taken to parking her car so it is blocking access to my garage. Because of her issues asking her to park outside her own garage (which would block nobody) could easily see me on the ground with multiple stab wounds. If I catch her on a good day it's not an issue but on a bad day it's safer to not say a word. Again, there are people who should be able to help me with this but they don't give a flying fuck. 

I know all the things I have whined about fall under the "First World Problems" heading and I fully appreciate how pathetic and whiny I must sound when there are people in my town sleeping in wet clothes under bridges right now; there are people desperately doing all they can to keep a roof over their heads. Older people are having to live in one room because they can't afford to heat their house. My problems are nothing compared to theirs, but then that makes me angry too, angry for them, angry because nobody is doing anything to help them. We're meant to be a first world country yet we have people living in third world conditions. The divide between the rich and poor has always been big but these days it is so huge I'm not sure it can ever be pulled back. The only ones without money who don't seem to struggle are the ones who are able to 'play the system'. I was always told "Crime doesn't pay". What utter bullshit that is. All I have ever seen, witnessed and experienced is the decent honest people being shit on and the dishonest pretty much laughing in their faces. The cheats, the liars, they get away with it all and the ones who are in positions where they are meant to be helping people, only ever help their own. I am sick of it and I am angry.